friends that bail????

bethvandenberg
bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I have a friend that lives out of state. We go through these periods of time where we text often throughout the day and joke around and just bs. We've been friends for over 22 years. Then all of a sudden the texts will just stop. The periods of time can last from a week to up to years. WTH?

I take it like I did something or said something (even though I know I didn't) and then I get all upset like why aren't they talking to me anymore.

Someone or a bunch of y'all is it weird for me to be upset when they suddenly quit communicating or should I just blow it off?

Replies

  • the_journeyman
    the_journeyman Posts: 1,877 Member
    It's better to find friends that would bail you out if you get tossed in the clink!.

    JM
  • DoomCakes
    DoomCakes Posts: 806 Member
    Speaking from experience... it can be frustrating but sometimes they are busy. I'm guilty of not texting one of my best friends out of state, or even forgetting! It actually upsets me that I forgot and I worry I offended her. Sometimes that makes me wait longer to text. But I don't know, maybe something is going on in her life?

    I also know it from the other side, but sadly, my out of state friend is there for me than in state friends. They bail on me when we're supposed to do stuff or hang out, or more annoyingly, will post pictures and brag about all the cool stuff they did with the other person on facebook and I'm seeing it like "well, would have been nice if I was even invited..."

    If you feel it's a serious issue, or that maybe you've grown apart, I'd advice letting it blow over. Don't fret and make yourself upset over it. If she comes back then be happy, if not, let her do her thing and you do your thing. :)
  • cloe31
    cloe31 Posts: 75 Member
    I have a friend like that to but we live 600km away so it's hard to keep in touch sometimes. But when ever we see each other it's like nothing has changed. Every one has their own life to live and some times it's hard to stay in touch. I don't think it has anything to do with how much she cares for you.
  • AmberLee2012
    AmberLee2012 Posts: 540
    Weeks or a month or two I can see (due to the distance) but years is quite strange. If she is the person that always initiates the texts, I would text her when you haven't heard from her in a few weeks. If it's always you, then maybe the friendship isn't as strong as it used to be. You don't have to cut her off, just take it for what it is. Or, you can talk to her about it and see what she says. If you have been friends for 22 years and it bothers you, hopefully you feel you can discuss it with her.
  • Brunner26_2
    Brunner26_2 Posts: 1,152
    I don't think it's weird, but I'm usually the one who stops communicating. Some people just don't maintain connections over a distance.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    I'm a low maintenance friend. I'll go a long time without calling, textiing, or emailing and then will . . . and to me it feels like it's just been yesterday since I've spoken to my friend. This is who I am, my friends accept me for who I am. If they need me I'll drop everything, but otherwise I just go on auto pilot and live my busy life.
  • shayyyface
    shayyyface Posts: 66
    couple comments...

    sometimes that happens. I have a friend like that. we text constantly ..then for like amonth nothing.
    remember though, its a two way street, you can always reach out to her...maybe she feels the same way haha
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
    Do they have a reason for not responding once they get back in touch?
    I'm assuming that you're trying to keep up your end of the communication and they don't respond back to multiple texts, calls, etc?\

    Long distance friendships are hard. I have several, but I don't count on them for much of my day-to-day emotional well being. We all need friends on different levels. My long distance friends tend to be ones that I don't communicate w frequently, but when we do talk, there's an instant click. They are the ones who I might turn to, or them to me, when there's something "big" going on (a breakup, a death, etc). In between these events, we might not talk for months. We have long since stopped sending birthday cards, etc because everyone is just too busy. They are still my friends and I wouldn't give them up because of a long silence.

    It's your decision what to do about this friend, but it seems like life may just get busy on the other end... if you're not okay with that, don't respond after the next silence. But I wouldn't be too hurt by it... most likely it has more to do with what's going on in the other person's life than it does with anything you've said or done.

    Good luck :-)
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    All right... here's the thing. I'm terrible at maintaining long distance relationships.

    When my best friend lived in town we were like two peas in a pod. Saw each other ALL THE TIME. But since she's moved... not a single call. Not a single email.

    Nothing.

    BUT I see it this way; It's mutual. She hasn't contacted me EITHER. So i guess we're both bad at this. And it's unfortunate and sad but that's the way it goes.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    it's just strange how it stops. I'd be great with ok catch you later but it seems it just ends hanging there. I wouldn't be so freaked out as I know we live far away etc, it's just strange. Then when it starts up it's them that sends the texts again and I'm like well hello. Strange I know. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I obviously just feel that text ediquette should be like a phone call. Catch you later. bye.

    Thanks for the input. I'll get over it. :)
  • ka_bateman
    ka_bateman Posts: 230 Member
    I'm a low maintenance friend. I'll go a long time without calling, textiing, or emailing and then will . . . and to me it feels like it's just been yesterday since I've spoken to my friend. This is who I am, my friends accept me for who I am. If they need me I'll drop everything, but otherwise I just go on auto pilot and live my busy life.

    I love my low maintenance friends! I have a friend out of state that I see once every two years or so and talk to once a year...maybe. But we get together and it's like nothing's changed. With family and work and school, I just don't have time to talk to all my friends all the time. I'm thankful for the ones that I have, b/c they're exactly like me.
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    My best friend and I will go months without emailing. She's 4 hours north from me. I don't panic or worry I did something wrong. I just know she's got her own stuff going on. Just like 2 weeks can fly by for me, I know it happens to her too.

    If she didn't talk to me for years though that's different. I would be reaching out until I got a response.
  • sdavis448
    sdavis448 Posts: 193 Member
    My best friend of 13 years, and I do it

    We are both responsible for it though. We live 1,500 miles apart. there are times we'll talk ad text for 3 days straight, and then we'll go 2 months without a phone call.. just occasional facebook comments.

    Life juts taes us in differant directions sometimes. Toe honest I don't want to talk to her as much because I dont' like somef the choices she makes. And I don't like hearing about them all the time (mostly drinking too much). Does it change the fact that she's my best friend?? nope. never. I'll love her forever, bu we don't have to talk every day or every week for that to be true.
  • RVfrog
    RVfrog Posts: 213 Member
    I wouldn't worry about it ....a friend is a friend. My friends are busy and there are weeks before I hear from them. They have a life and I have a life but we area still friends. I don't need my friends to make me happy and they don't have to fill my time.....we know we are friends and if one of us needed the other one.......we are a phone call or text away. Just enjoy having the friend. Just my 2 cents worth.
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    All right... here's the thing. I'm terrible at maintaining long distance relationships.

    When my best friend lived in town we were like two peas in a pod. Saw each other ALL THE TIME. But since she's moved... not a single call. Not a single email.

    Nothing.

    BUT I see it this way; It's mutual. She hasn't contacted me EITHER. So i guess we're both bad at this. And it's unfortunate and sad but that's the way it goes.

    This happens, and it's sometimes shocking, particularly when the level of emotional intimacy you have shared ran deep.

    As I approach my 7th decade on this earth, my thoughts on friendship are this: accept it for what it is. Some friends fade in and out over time. Others are friends-for-the-moment--vacation buddies you meet and never see again, for instance. Other friendships revolve around something in common: work, parenting young children, etc. Once the thing in common recedes so does the friendship. A precious few might be completely close and enduring over decades, but those truly are rare, in my experience.

    I suggest lowering your expectations, and if you still enjoy this fade in,-fade-out friendship, accept it for what it is.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    This happens, and it's sometimes shocking, particularly when the level of emotional intimacy you have shared ran deep.

    As I approach my 7th decade on this earth, my thoughts on friendship are this: accept it for what it is. Some friends fade in the out over time. Others are friends-for-the-moment. Other friendships revolve around something in common: work, parenting young children who are friends, etc. Once the thing in common recedes so does the friendship. A precious few might be completely close and enduring over decades, but those truly are rare, in my experience.

    I suggest lowering your expectations, and if you still enjoy this fade in-fade out friendship, accept it for what it is.
    [/quote]

    I can totally accept our friendship fade in/out for what it is. I just need to remember how it rolls and not take it personally. :) Thanks
  • MostlyWater
    MostlyWater Posts: 4,294 Member
    friendship can't be one way.
  • devenwarvel
    devenwarvel Posts: 26 Member
    I say just bad "text etiquette"...I am NOTORIOUS for it! My friend just got on me this weekend for just stoppig a conversation with no "Bye". But to me, texting is so informal I see no need to end it "properly". I may get busy, or have no response, or just decide to respond later, then forget! If she's initiating the contact, then she obviously still cares:)
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    I'm one of those people. I have a handful of friends I've had since HS that I communicate with. I might not talk to them for a few years, and just out of the blue start texting and calling, then drop off again for a while. It's normal to me. But, I think other people think it's weird. Oddly enough, I feel very connected to those people. And, they tell me the same. I don't know why. I'm just wired that way. I only talked to my mom about twice a year and never talk to my dad. I just don't. I stopped trying to figure out if something is wrong with me. It doesn't matter. Nothing is wrong with me. I need people in my life at various times, and it's really that simple. The people in my life understand that. Many people don't understand it at all, and is why I have a small limited group of friends. I noticed some people get really offended if I don't at least call them every week. That's just too much for me. Not enough stuff goes on to talk every week.At least, in my view. If we have some news, then great. But, most people don't have any news, and I'm not one to just blather on. I talk with a point. I don't just like to just discuss my day today, which was the same as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I get up, workout, shower, eat, go to work, come home, and go to sleep. There is literally nothing to talk about. I don't knwo how people talk every day to each other. What could you possibly have to say?

    But, if any of my friends needed me, I'd be there. I'm not cold, and I'm not ignoring them. In my view, we're just doing our thing. I have confidence that everything is cool, and we'll get together when the time is right. It's kind of a zen thing with me. i just don't worry about it or even think about it, really. But, as I said, I have had people tell me that it's weird and they dont' understand it. It's just not a big deal to me and I have a hard time understanding some peoples incessant need to consantly be reassured that we are still friends. I find that very odd behavior.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    All right... here's the thing. I'm terrible at maintaining long distance relationships.

    When my best friend lived in town we were like two peas in a pod. Saw each other ALL THE TIME. But since she's moved... not a single call. Not a single email.

    Nothing.

    BUT I see it this way; It's mutual. She hasn't contacted me EITHER. So i guess we're both bad at this. And it's unfortunate and sad but that's the way it goes.

    This happens, and it's sometimes shocking, particularly when the level of emotional intimacy you have shared ran deep.

    As I approach my 7th decade on this earth, my thoughts on friendship are this: accept it for what it is. Some friends fade in and out over time. Others are friends-for-the-moment--vacation buddies you meet and never see again, for instance. Other friendships revolve around something in common: work, parenting young children, etc. Once the thing in common recedes so does the friendship. A precious few might be completely close and enduring over decades, but those truly are rare, in my experience.

    I suggest lowering your expectations, and if you still enjoy this fade in,-fade-out friendship, accept it for what it is.

    VoV makes a good point. I'd also like to add that dependability can matter more than constancy. A number of my friends from grad school share my rather hectic profession (duh, they're grad school friends). One friend I was really close to for years, she and I are both terrible at keeping in touch. BUT when one of us has something major happening, a big decision to make, a sick parent, a work project we can't handle on our own, etc. we are there for each other. To me that matters more than whether I get a monthly, or even weekly email from that person.
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    All right... here's the thing. I'm terrible at maintaining long distance relationships.

    When my best friend lived in town we were like two peas in a pod. Saw each other ALL THE TIME. But since she's moved... not a single call. Not a single email.

    Nothing.

    BUT I see it this way; It's mutual. She hasn't contacted me EITHER. So i guess we're both bad at this. And it's unfortunate and sad but that's the way it goes.

    This happens, and it's sometimes shocking, particularly when the level of emotional intimacy you have shared ran deep.

    As I approach my 7th decade on this earth, my thoughts on friendship are this: accept it for what it is. Some friends fade in and out over time. Others are friends-for-the-moment--vacation buddies you meet and never see again, for instance. Other friendships revolve around something in common: work, parenting young children, etc. Once the thing in common recedes so does the friendship. A precious few might be completely close and enduring over decades, but those truly are rare, in my experience.

    I suggest lowering your expectations, and if you still enjoy this fade in,-fade-out friendship, accept it for what it is.

    VoV makes a good point. I'd also like to add that dependability can matter more than constancy. A number of my friends from grad school share my rather hectic profession (duh, they're grad school friends). One friend I was really close to for years, she and I are both terrible at keeping in touch. BUT when one of us has something major happening, a big decision to make, a sick parent, a work project we can't handle on our own, etc. we are there for each other. To me that matters more than whether I get a monthly, or even weekly email from that person.

    ^^Exactly. Those are your true-blue friends who engage and support you when it is most needed. I actually think straining to keep in touch too often over a distance, when life is going along on its mundane course, might wear out the friendship. I say that as someone who has to work really hard at small-talk and tend to avoid it.

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