I don't want my kids to have ED, but how do I handle this...

debi_f · December 2012

I am fuming at the moment. Fuming!

I got overweight through emotional eating and my chocolate obsession. It was my own fault. I did it. I found a way to lose the weight. That's all fine and good. I have two daughters who have been watching me "diet." I did it through low-carbing (and I'm continuing my low-carb life style, because it makes me feel better).

My oldest daughter is on the verge of dangerously underweight (in fact, the Dutch government monitors her weight, because she is so thin). She is 12-1/2 years old, probably 5' 2 or 3 and weighs less than 75 lbs. She's thin. But the kids eats! Everything! Her weight is a combination of genetics (her father is very thin, and I was a very thin child) and the fact that she hasn't hit adolescence yet.

But that's not what has me so mad. It's my younger daughter, who's just 8 years old. She is average height and weight for a Dutch child (which means she fairly tall for an American kid, but still average weight for her height, if not a bit thin). She also eats a lot, but her favorite foods are breads, crackers and cereals. Yes, she's into her carbs. I let her have them (within reason, of course).

Because she's not as thin as my older daughter, though, my husband has decided that the youngest is "on the verge" of having obesity problems. He yells at me (in front of her) when I make her toast or give her bread with her lunch. We live in Holland! Bread is what kids eat! Heck, these people even make chocolate-sprinkle-sandwiches for kids' lunches! It's tough for me at times to keep my hands off bread, and I have no intention of cutting grains from my daughter's diet, but this morning, my husband started in on me feeding her whole wheat bread at lunch times and said that her "diet" needs to be more tightly controlled, or she'll have the same problems I had with my weight.

Now, he never said she was "fat." But she stood right there while he said these things, and she's not stupid. She heard the word "diet" and "problems" like mommy had, and she started crying. Crying! On the way to school, she wanted to know if she was "fat," too, and said that she didn't want to go on a diet (because I had to give up so many of the things she likes, such as ice cream over the summer, the yummy french breads, etcs).

She is not in the least bit overweight. She is healthy and well-adjusted (well, as well-adjusted as any normal 8-year-old! ha ha!), but now I'm afraid that she'll end up with body issues for not being genetically built like her waif of a sister! Both of my girls are healthy, but they're just not built the same way.

How do I stop this from happening! I've told my husband that he's not allowed to use those types of words around our girls (nothing in combination with "diet" or "problems") and to keep his comments restricted to me... alone! I can try to cut back on her bread consumption if he wants, but she's already pretty good about that! I'm also afraid that she'll make the connection between my new restrictions on her "diet" and what her father said about her having "weight problems" like I had.

AHHHH!

Okay, end of vent. Thanks for reading.

TavistockToad · December 2012

you need to get her father to explain that he didnt mean she was fat and that he was wrong in what he said.

plus you really need to consider how he talks to you... me and my husband never shout at each other, even when we are having arguements and would certainly never do it in front of anyone else.

Spindrift2012 · December 2012

I suggest that you ask your husband how he would feel if someone stood in front of him and talked about his eating the same negative way - or made negative comments about any other of his features/behaviour. Its bad manners, apart from anything else, to stand in front of another person and talk about them as if they're not there, no matter whether they are your 8 year old child or not.

And I agree, your husband needs to sit down and explain exactly what he meant to your daughter.

I do think that you have to think about how you talk about food in general. So I never say to my 5 year old 'No thanks I can't have ice cream because I'm on a diet' , I will say 'No thanks I don't feel like an ice cream right now because I'm not hungry'
I haven't excluded anything because of being 'on a diet'. I've been eating less bread, but I've been doing that 'for a change' and 'because I like salad'. So I'm trying to give her some positive messages about food and the choices we make rather than saying that I'm not allowed things. She does ask whether a food is 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' (they cover this topic at school) and I will often say 'Its OK in moderation' . I think that approach would help in your household. Then none of you would treat foods like bread as being completely unhealthy - because a well made loaf of bread isn't unhealthy.

And I'd be livid if my husband shouted at me like that.

bathsheba_c · December 2012

If your husband is that concerned, then maybe you should have him accompany you to the kid's next physical so that he can hear from the doctor that she is average weight for her age and height.

In addition to the negative message your daughter is getting about her weight, I'd also be concerned what she is learning from watching your husband yell at you.

jamielovesjbs · December 2012

i agree with the other people, your husband needs to apologize to your daughter. now, if my husband yelled at me in front of the kids, i would privately punch him in the nuts, but that's just me.

if your daughter sees you loving yourself and your body, she will learn to love herself no matter what peole say. that being said, the world is vruelenough, without having to hear it at home. goodl uck!

NocturnalGirl · December 2012

You need to talk to your husband about this. There is nothing wrong with carbs and getting her to go on a diet when she isn't overweight just isn't right. If her father really is concerned, just keep her active and healthy, and that is all.
I agree with others, get the message clear to her that she isn't fat and there is nothing wrong with her weight or appearance. More importantly, while health is important, she can learn to love herself and realise body image isn't everything. Young children take things to the heart very quickly, lead by example and try not to focus on your own body or diet too much around her. Good luck!

debi_f · December 2012

Thank you, everyone. My husband loves the girls and really has their best interests at heart, but sometimes he's such a dolt about the way he handles things (and today was among his worst). I just don't think he understands... At all... What words can do to young minds, especially when those words are highly critical.

BCSMama · December 2012

Your husband needs to stop that right away. Your story really hit home with me. I was the normal weight sibling to a thin brother and we had an overweight mother who was always dieting and a father that tried to control everything I ate. He did the exact same thing you describe your husband doing when I was your daughter's age. I am now 34 and it STILL hurts to think about that. My brother would be allowed to eat whatever he wanted, but I would only get like 1/2 of a waffle at breakfast because my dad wanted to "watch what I ate" and things like that. Like your husband, he loved/loves me and also had my best interest at heart, but had no idea the damage he was doing.

At that age, what she hears can have a much bigger impact than you realize. I had disordered eating in high school and a horrible body image for years, didn't eat nearly enough, etc. and I firmly believe it all started with my dad being so controlling and negative about food when I was younger.

Whether she is overweight or not, discussing it that way in front of her will do more harm than good, and the harm could be pretty significant.

I don't mean to be harsh, but like I said, your story brought up those very unpleasant memories of my own childhood experiences with my dad and food and I don't want any other little girl to have to go through that.

CJisinShape · December 2012

IMHO, the bigger deal you make of this, the weirder your kid will feel. Just tell her at mealtime That her Dad didn't like seeing you have to work so hard and wants to save his beloved daughter the same trouble. Tell her she doesn't have to give up any of her favorite food, but adding new foods (like veggies), can help her when she gets older to avoid the hassle you went through, and no, there is nothing wrong with her. Tell her father that you love him, and appreciate his concern, so you'll be serving her more veggies, and letting her appetite determine the amount of bread

axialmeow · December 2012

What your husband did is almost unforgiveable IMO. I'm sorry your daughter had to witness that. I went through similar as a child and it really damaged me.

debi_f · December 2012

BCSmama and Axialmeow, I'm so sorry you had/have problems! That is exactly what I'm trying to avoid with my daughter!

I haven't mentioned any more about it to her (after telling her that she is a wonderful kid who is beautiful both inside and outside and who is loved by both her mommy and daddy very much), but I'm struggling with how to incorporate hubby's changes without causing her any stress. She's a very active kid (stress on that "very"), as well as smart and sensitive.

Guess the only thing to do is to load up her plates with lots of fruit (which she loves) and the veggies she'll eat. The other goodies will just have to become ... I don't know... "scarcer" (is that even a word?).

HiKaren · December 2012

If your husband is that concerned, then maybe you should have him accompany you to the kid's next physical so that he can hear from the doctor that she is average weight for her age and height.

In addition to the negative message your daughter is getting about her weight, I'd also be concerned what she is learning from watching your husband yell at you.

I agree with bathsheba

janesmith1 · December 2012

I've dealt with an unsupportive spouse in my Binge Eating Disorder issue before. You need to fight back, not in front of the kid but if you have to do it in front of the child - ie, if HE is making a big deal in front of her, you, imho, need to take a stand right there & yell at him back.

Tell him to STOP IT NOW and that you will NOT PUT UP WITH IT.

Get angry at him, put the daughter in the car or get out of the house with her and let him FUME.

You need to tell him right then and there!

Then later on when things are calm, you need to continue to talk to him, and tell him everything you said here, and you should print this page out or send it to him.

Tell him that he has to STOP THE BS WITH FOOD NOW & that he is CAUSING MORE PROBLEMS with his CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.

That is my opinion. I stopped my DH from his bs ways but it took years. But you have to keep on him and keep stopping him. Yes it causes drama but the spouses do not understand that they are creating more harm then good.

BTW, I love carbs. It's not carbs that cause fat, it's cals!

I don't want my kids to have ED, but how do I handle this...

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