Should I just give up on her?

Ladysquire
Ladysquire Posts: 61 Member
in Motivation and Support
When I started changing my diet/excercise in order to lose weight, a lady I work with got all excited and wanted to do it with me. I bought scales for the office, put some charts together to track our progress and promised I would motivate her and hold her accountable. She was really pumped and did better than me for the first couple of weeks! Great!

Now its been 3 weeks since she's weighed in. The last time she did she had gained weight because she had a 'bad week' and since then has continued to eat badly so she just avoids the scales and avoids me. I tried to get her to at least weigh in so she could see where she is and take control of it but she's getting quite snappy with me. I haven't really pushed too hard but I did promise her that I would help keep her on track so that's what I'm trying to do.

She seems to hate me for it right now so should I just forget it or do what I said I would and keep on at her?
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Replies

  • dantrick
    dantrick Posts: 369 Member
    don't give up on her. Just don't say anything about it any more, talk about something else. when she is ready she will come to you, then be there for her to help her out.
  • AcampoGirl
    AcampoGirl Posts: 52 Member
    Hard decision. I actually was in the same situation but we don't work together. She is like a Aunt to me and we always talked about dieting. Long story short, we stopped walking and talking about it. I finally told myself that I have to worry about myself so I did. Before MFP I lost about 27 lbs on my own. Well a couples months by myself I started losing motivation, thank God I found MFP!!
    So my opinion, worry about yourself! She'll eventually come around.
  • Doodlewhopper
    Doodlewhopper Posts: 1,018 Member
    As the coon hunters say, call in the dogs and pee on the fire, time to pack up and go home.
  • samantha1242
    samantha1242 Posts: 816 Member
    I find it pretty hard to include people in my " weight loss journey" for this reason. It's really hard to keep someone motivated who isn't really "ready" to actually change their lifestyle. You could always just check with her, in a nice friendly please-dont-hate-me-for-helping-you way, to see if she is still interested in joining you in your weight loss adventure. Or you could create a challenge for a week like "walk this many km/m in a week" or something along those lines to try and re-jumpstart her motivation. Sometimes people like competition to keep them going :)
  • SToast
    SToast Posts: 255 Member
    My best friend and I started this journey together on November 1st. She was really into it...at first. The first week she'd text me trash talk about how she was going to beat me (we were competing for loser having to clean the others house) and stuff like that. We were doing Jillian's 30DS and she would tell me her squats were deeper, her jumping jacks higher, etc.

    Then she drifted off, I'd text and ask her how her workout went and she wouldn't text back. When I'd call her and talk I'd ask her how it was going and she'd say "oh, well, I haven't worked out for a couple of days". She stuck with it for about 10 days total. At the end of November she asked if we could extend into December. Sure why not? But this month has been more of the same.

    I haven't given up on her but I don't push her about it. I just ask her "Hey, have you seen Jillian lately" or something once in a while but I figure nothing will get her to stay on track until she is ready to do it for herself. But at the same time, it was pretty fun to have someone to lose weight with for those first 10 days. It did, however, teach me that I can motivate myself to stick with the program.

    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    i agree! being direct may be helpful. it also forces her into an emotional corner. keep your eyes protected. (kidding a bit. but not about being direct)
  • mzjessicaxo
    mzjessicaxo Posts: 330 Member
    Motivate yourself, or come on here! We are here for you. Let her sulk in her own misery, she's more than likely jealous that she doesn't have the self control you do. It's hard to watch you succeed when she just wants to grab dinner at a fast food joint on her way home (which I'm sure she regrets right after)

    Keep up the good work, and forget about the haters.
  • mk_hammer
    mk_hammer Posts: 105
    I agree with the above--ask her if she still wants to do this with you. If not, fine. If she still wants to participate, great.

    The important thing is to make sure you don't let her throw off your groove. You keep doing your own thing, and keep up with your MFP peeps to stay motivated!:smile:
  • RadioactivePirate
    RadioactivePirate Posts: 212
    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    It really is that easy.
  • BCSMama
    BCSMama Posts: 348
    I agree with the most direct approach. If you feel comfortable enough with her, I'd say something like "Do you want me to keep bugging you about the fitness stuff, or are you taking a break?" That way, she has an easy out and hopefully won't feel bad if she isn't interested anymore. Hopefully things will be less awkward if you know where she stands. Just be as nice and understanding as possible. Who knows, she may come around and ask you to help her again.
  • Akimajuktuq
    Akimajuktuq Posts: 3,037 Member
    Weight loss, or getting healthy, is a solo journey (unless you are a single mom and can force it on your kids, like I have! lol) and I think the best attitude is to welcome her company if she chooses to participate but leave her alone if she doesn't. Invite her, but don't pressure her.

    However, if she starts to resent your progress and blames you for not encouraging/supporting her enough, then don't involve her at all in what you are doing. That's when to give up. No one can change someone else and no one is responsible for what another person does or does not do.
  • Queen_Adrock
    Queen_Adrock Posts: 130 Member
    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    ^This. If they say they've lost interest, tell them that you'll be there if they want to start back up again.

    There are a few people who are inspired by my weight loss and have said they'd do it too...but I often find that they're losing weight because they see that I look better, and they'd like to look better too, but they don't fully understand that it is hard work, constant tracking, going to the gym, and it takes a LONG time. I've lost 30 pounds, but that's been over 7 months -- and if I gave up when I wasn't seeing results, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am now! It takes a mindset of REALLY wanting it, not just being inspired by someone's weight loss (since inspiration quickly dwindles).
  • youngblood_2010
    youngblood_2010 Posts: 15

    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    Yup.

    Sorry, but this about the 5th post I've come across in the past few days similar to this (where the OP doesn't know how to broach a subject). Have we forgotten how to talk to people?
  • sarahisme18
    sarahisme18 Posts: 574 Member
    Just sounds like she got discouraged. Let her know that one gain isn't the end of the world, and that nobody is judging her!
  • AliciaStaton
    AliciaStaton Posts: 328 Member
    Hi it sounds like you are a good friend and are trying to help your friend. There is only so much you can do. Yes it is nice to have a friend there along the way but it sounds like she is not in a good place at the moment. My friend and I started our change of lifestyle (because its not a diet) and we are still there. She goes to Slimming World and has done great and I am on here and have lost 32lbs so far. Maybe worth changing the subject and see what happens. At the end of the day this is your journey and only you can take the control, the same for your friend its in her hands.. Just be a friend even if she doesnt want to join you on your weight loss.:bigsmile:
  • aproc
    aproc Posts: 1,033 Member
    Yes, she obviously knows she's off track. If you've been trying to help her lately and she refuses and is snappy then it's time to stop. Nobody likes somebody else nagging them and reminding them of their weight problems constantly. She will just have to really want it before she will try losing weight again.
  • Ladysquire
    Ladysquire Posts: 61 Member
    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    Yep you're right. I'll just ask her. I know asking her this outright will probably make her feel bad BUT like others have said, I should concentrate on myself. I'm not judging her, I've been there before when I haven't really been that motivated but for whatever reason now it's all becoming a lot easier. I feel like I've flicked a switch!

    At first it was great because there was that competition. She was very motivated because she was a few KG's lighter than me and she intended to keep it that way. That's not the case anymore and she's totally checked out.

    I will say it quickly and then run away to avoid any objects that are thrown my way
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    i have a friend like that. she's given up. she lost but gained it back.

    i dont push but i let her know my NSVs and my setbacks to help motivate her. i share cool recipes i find or workout blogs.

    dont give up on her
  • Ladysquire
    Ladysquire Posts: 61 Member
    ***Sorry, but this about the 5th post I've come across in the past few days similar to this (where the OP doesn't know how to broach a subject). Have we forgotten how to talk to people?**

    Thanks so much for your helpful response!

    No 'we' have not forgotten but sometimes its helpful to have anothers view on the situation. Not yours obviously.
  • HazelDiva1913
    HazelDiva1913 Posts: 194 Member
    I do not think it will be easy for you to ask her directly but I think that is the way to go. Ask as nicely as possible "Are we still on this journey together?" She can only be honesty with you. If shes been snippy in the past, chances are she may be snippy answering this question, but at least she will answer it. I have definitely been in this situation before on both sides. Do not give up on her. It may take her seeing you do well for her to come back around. :-)
  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    Sounds like you figured it out already.

    Like Samantha, I can't really ever include anyone. I have learned that lesson. And its best to count on the one person I can count on. And thats me... It just like trying to find a gym buddy... My old gym buddy's idea of doing some good at the gym was, sitting in the sauna & the hot tub... Hey! what about 30-45 on a machine or in a class? She never wanted to do it. Nor did she want to stay on any nutritional program with me.

    And the friends that really know me, & help me, are RIGHT HERE on MFP. And I'm finding, more and more, they are the friends I can count on. They always make me feel that I'm not alone. Funny how there can be all kinds of people around you, and the ones that ARE really by your side, are RIGHT HERE on MFP even if they are accross the country, or in another country. :smile:

    Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.
  • sugarlips1980
    sugarlips1980 Posts: 361 Member
    I agree you sound like a good friend but I wouldn't push it with her...let her come to you and get support if/when she's ready. She's clearly made a start but lost her mo jo, it's up to her to decide when she's ready to try again. Best thing you can do is be a great example by sticking to your new lifestyle and if she sees the results you're achieving that may motivate her. You could tell her you're loving your new lifestyle and you won't hassle her but if she wants to join you you'd be happy to team up for support again.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member

    Just ask your friend point blank "Do you still want me to try to keep you on track or have you lost interest?"

    Yup.

    Sorry, but this about the 5th post I've come across in the past few days similar to this (where the OP doesn't know how to broach a subject). Have we forgotten how to talk to people?

    It's not so much that we have forgotten to talk to people, it's that our culture has come to the point that are afraid to be direct with one another, for fear of hurting one another's feelings. We are so afraid of being impolite or non politically correct that we are afraid to be real with one another. Passive-aggressive-ism has become a way of life.
  • Ladysquire
    Ladysquire Posts: 61 Member
    My old gym buddy's idea of doing some good at the gym was, sitting in the sauna & the hot tub...

    You mean that's not 'working out?!?! :)
    Damn it!

    She was doing really well at the gym too. Again, better than me at first! I'll ask her and then just get on with it myself.

    There are some great motivational people on here. It's a brilliant tool.
  • atjays
    atjays Posts: 797 Member
    Well I'm not sure how long you've been on here but you can look around and see that a good chunk of people fall off the wagon. Although the internet is much easier to just slip into the abyss without having to face any embarrassment of your failures. In real life it's not as easy. Her having to see you every day at work and then to be nagged about it (even though she gleefully agreed) is probably a huge hit to her self esteem, even more so since you're doing well. Let her be and hopefully she'll come around.
  • craftycatlady
    craftycatlady Posts: 16 Member
    I've been that friend before. It's easy to get started, hard to keep going. The direct approach is definitely a good idea, and also keeping the door open and continuing to be supportive and encouraging. Just because she isn't on the journey now doesn't mean she won't meet up with you later on it. :)
  • Ladysquire
    Ladysquire Posts: 61 Member
    @atjays

    Indeed which is why I'm quite mindful about her feelings and honestly I haven't nagged her. Just a couple of gentle nudges but I've no doubt that it FELT like nagging to her.

    I'll be nice
  • Brenda_Pancakes
    Brenda_Pancakes Posts: 288 Member
    I'm the type that being too direct comes off as pushy; especially when it comes to weight loss stuff. When she's ready; she knows that you're on a mission and don't mind having a teamate. For now, she probably wants to do her thing. So I say let her. Might be the time of year...

    I have a coworker that we made a deal together to go to the gym for a class every week. Same class, same night. After a month, something came up every single week. After 2 weeks of her backing out; I quit bugging her about it. Just not something she's into at this time. No biggie. I don't think that's "giving up"; it's letting her get back into it at her own pace.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    Been there... 3 times.. each time it ended up being just me because the person lasted a month or two at most. And then they'd try to derail me too. "I don't feel like going to the gym, why don't you come watch a movie with me?"
    Now if someone is excited about anything I'm doing I'll tell them how I do it, and I'll be happy for them if they actually do it, but they're on their own.

    90 percent of the time when that person hears "exercise", they're no longer interested anyway, because they were sure my weight loss involved a pill or weird diet.
  • NCchar130
    NCchar130 Posts: 955 Member
    When I started changing my diet/excercise in order to lose weight, a lady I work with got all excited and wanted to do it with me. I bought scales for the office, put some charts together to track our progress and promised I would motivate her and hold her accountable. She was really pumped and did better than me for the first couple of weeks! Great!

    Now its been 3 weeks since she's weighed in. The last time she did she had gained weight because she had a 'bad week' and since then has continued to eat badly so she just avoids the scales and avoids me. I tried to get her to at least weigh in so she could see where she is and take control of it but she's getting quite snappy with me. I haven't really pushed too hard but I did promise her that I would help keep her on track so that's what I'm trying to do.

    She seems to hate me for it right now so should I just forget it or do what I said I would and keep on at her?

    Agree with the others who said 'just ask her directly.' But I know it's hard. Especially when someone has said they're depending on you to help keep them accountable, it's hard to know when to push and when to let up. I know if I were your friend, I would be angry at myself mostly for failing - that's the main reason I haven't asked anyone to hold me accountable. If I fail, I prefer to do it privately LOL and also I just do better at things with better results if I can maintain my self-motivation and compete with myself only.

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