criticised or embarrassed because of your weight
muchmoretolove
Posts: 244 Member
hi everybody, this is my first post on mfp and it might be a long one so please bear with me; brevity is not my best friend! i hope that this reaches you in good health : ) firstly, i would like to stress that this is not supposed to be a negative or self-hating post, i just wanted to know how you have reacted to situations where you have felt criticised, discriminated against, embarrassed or ridiculed because of the weight that you carry, however much or little it may be.
when you're on either extreme of the scale, sometimes people's harsh comments are inevitable, with personal experiences varying from one individual to another. to be honest, comparatively, i have not been so hard done by as fortunately, i have been surrounded by people who appreciate me for who i am. but that's not to say that it has never happened; i've been called a 'fatty', 'that fat girl' and have had my hand slapped away from food at large family gatherings. i'm not saying i don't deserve this; i am saying that nobody does.
a recent incident that really hurt me was a few weeks ago when my family and i went out for dinner. i sat next to my younger brother who is eight years old (but he looks about twelve, this will seem more relevant as i progress) and to put things into context, i am twenty years old. a lady was sitting at the table next to us and i started smiling and pulling faces at her baby. the lady was very friendly and we soon started chatting and just before we left, she asked me, "aww, so is this your little boy?" referring to my brother.
my eyes started to well up and i felt so embarrassed, i said "no, he's my brother; i'm only twenty years old" and she replied, "oh, and i asked if he's your son! that's a bit mean, i'm sorry." i just kept telling her "it's ok, it's ok" in a hurry because i didn't want to attract any attention and i didn't want my family to overhear, and then i rushed out.
i felt miserable for the rest of the day and i cried quietly in bed too. i just felt so awful. it made it worse that she was so nice and this was just a genuine, casual observation. it didn't make me change anything because i had already embarked on my journey towards a healthy lifestyle. it literally did nothing other than make me feel bad. so i'm curious, when you face such situations, how do you react? do you fight your corner, does it inspire you to action or do you just feel bad and move on or not feel anything at all?
when you're on either extreme of the scale, sometimes people's harsh comments are inevitable, with personal experiences varying from one individual to another. to be honest, comparatively, i have not been so hard done by as fortunately, i have been surrounded by people who appreciate me for who i am. but that's not to say that it has never happened; i've been called a 'fatty', 'that fat girl' and have had my hand slapped away from food at large family gatherings. i'm not saying i don't deserve this; i am saying that nobody does.
a recent incident that really hurt me was a few weeks ago when my family and i went out for dinner. i sat next to my younger brother who is eight years old (but he looks about twelve, this will seem more relevant as i progress) and to put things into context, i am twenty years old. a lady was sitting at the table next to us and i started smiling and pulling faces at her baby. the lady was very friendly and we soon started chatting and just before we left, she asked me, "aww, so is this your little boy?" referring to my brother.
my eyes started to well up and i felt so embarrassed, i said "no, he's my brother; i'm only twenty years old" and she replied, "oh, and i asked if he's your son! that's a bit mean, i'm sorry." i just kept telling her "it's ok, it's ok" in a hurry because i didn't want to attract any attention and i didn't want my family to overhear, and then i rushed out.
i felt miserable for the rest of the day and i cried quietly in bed too. i just felt so awful. it made it worse that she was so nice and this was just a genuine, casual observation. it didn't make me change anything because i had already embarked on my journey towards a healthy lifestyle. it literally did nothing other than make me feel bad. so i'm curious, when you face such situations, how do you react? do you fight your corner, does it inspire you to action or do you just feel bad and move on or not feel anything at all?
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Replies
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I actually manage to forget I'm a fat *kitten* at times. And then I remember, tragically, as I'm trying to buy new clothes.
My embarrassing moment- I had to get an extra seat belt in an airplane last month! *&$%!!
Yea the old you're fat and of parenting age= pregnancy. Horror.0 -
When I was 16 a woman at the laudromat asked my 6 yr old sister if she was helping mommy do the laundry. My sis said - No she is my sister.
Fast forward 35 yrs - My sis and I were at the mall and we went into the Photography studio that she and her family had the Christmas photos taken at. While we were discussing the possibility of the two of us having our pics taken together - the woman behind the counter asked if my DAUGHTER and I would be interested in this special package.
My sis and i walked out and just laughed so hard. I have always looked older than my years. And maybe the fat helped make that even worse. Sis says it is because I don't dye my hair.
Please don't take this to heart. People are bad judges of age. And yes the weight can cause you to look a bit older. But don't let it tear you up. Just go on and enjoy your life. And welcome to MFP!!!
And stick your tongue out and smile!0 -
Honestly, some people are very bad judges of age. And on top of that, if I strike up conversation with a young woman and she seems mature for her age: articulate, put together and willing to reach out to an older person I might think she is closer in age to me. So, maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was her. Either way, she didn't mean to hurt you so try and put it behind you.0
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Maybe she just assumed you were a Mom because you were so great with her kid
...Maybe she just thought you looked very adult and mature, and it had nothing to do with your weight or looking 'old'
or....Maybe she has cataracts and can't see worth a damn?
Try not to let others judgements bring ya down, just remember all the wonderful things about yourself!0 -
I think some people just look older, regardless of age. Ever since I can remember, people have thought I was older and have been SHOCKED to realize that I am actually X years old. People always think that I'm my mother's sister. One time, I was sitting next to my uncle (who is 50, I'm 23) and someone asked if I was his wife. The worst instance I can remember is when I was 17 years old, and sitting outside the mall waiting for my mom to pick me up, and this random lady started a conversation with me and asked how old I was. I told her and she went "WHAT? I'm 38, and you look older than me!".
I don't really have any advice, because I'm also super-sensitive to that stuff, but I just use as motivation to lose weight and developing a thicker skin.0 -
Seems like an extremely minor incident to me. Why cry over such a small thing? Not everybody looks their age, and being overweight obviously does not help this. Mistakes are made and people move on with their lives. She probably felt worse than you did!
As for me, any criticism or embarrassment caused by my weight has never been a big deal. I ate myself 100lbs+ overweight, it's no one's fault but my own that I looked like a fat slob. If I had actually cared, I would have done something about it years ago, but since I didn't I just accepted it as the consequences of my actions.0 -
Honestly I don't think what the lady said is really an insult because there is a big difference in you and your brothers ages, and it's not unusual these days for someone who is 20 to have a kid. It would be worse if you were like 15 or something. :ohwell:0
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These experiences can feel very painful. At my girlfriend's family party earlier this year I was going up the steps to check on my sleeping grandson. I was wearing socks so I slipped on a few of the wooden steps on the way back down. A little boy about 4 or 5 years old ran over to see what the commotion was. I overheard him tell his Mommy (rather loudly), "The fat lady fell down the steps." I can chuckle about it now, but at the time I was mortified. Then at a similiar event, someone who didn't even know me very well said to my cousin that she thought I was someone else at first glance. The someone else weighs over 400 lbs! I weighed about 260lbs at that time. My partner made it her business to tell me what was said as a way to shame me into loosing weight. Sadly, I fell into a depression and just ate more.
Through spiritual practice; prayer and meditation. Practicing extreme surrender, reliance on Spirit, Self-Love, Self-Forgiveness and forgiving anyone else I needed to (and refusing to go to anymore of my partner's family gatherings...LOL!) I started to accept and love myself as I was before I changed one thing. As a matter of fact I'm on Day 12 of a 21 Day Fast from negative self-talk and harsh inner criticism that I am doing with a group! Feel free to join!
It is through these practices that in November when someone asked my sister as I sat down next to her, "Is that your mother?" that I was able to laugh and not feel offended or hurt at all. I was so proud of my progress! Later on I found out that the person who made the statement was mean mugging me because her boyfriend was eyeing me on the dance floor. LOL!
Be gentle and patient with yourself and others. Take one day at a time and determine to be the best you that you can be.
Don't let anyone here tell you how or what you should feel. Feel what you feel and then release and move on!0 -
When I was 16 a woman at the laudromat asked my 6 yr old sister if she was helping mommy do the laundry. My sis said - No she is my sister.
Fast forward 35 yrs - My sis and I were at the mall and we went into the Photography studio that she and her family had the Christmas photos taken at. While we were discussing the possibility of the two of us having our pics taken together - the woman behind the counter asked if my DAUGHTER and I would be interested in this special package.
My sis and i walked out and just laughed so hard. I have always looked older than my years. And maybe the fat helped make that even worse. Sis says it is because I don't dye my hair.
Please don't take this to heart. People are bad judges of age. And yes the weight can cause you to look a bit older. But don't let it tear you up. Just go on and enjoy your life. And welcome to MFP!!!
And stick your tongue out and smile!
i love this advice; you're right! i will think about this next time something like this happens, hehe i was feeling outraged whilst reading your anecdotes until i reached the point where you mentioned that you walked out and were able to just laugh about it. i guess for most things, if not all, it's a matter of perspective!0 -
Honestly, some people are very bad judges of age. And on top of that, if I strike up conversation with a young woman and she seems mature for her age: articulate, put together and willing to reach out to an older person I might think she is closer in age to me. So, maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was her. Either way, she didn't mean to hurt you so try and put it behind you.
wow you are all so wise on mfp, i might post my concerns more often! by nature, i am very chatty and approachable; i probably would regard myself as mature beyond my age so that could be the reason behind the misunderstanding : )0 -
Maybe she just assumed you were a Mom because you were so great with her kid
...Maybe she just thought you looked very adult and mature, and it had nothing to do with your weight or looking 'old'
or....Maybe she has cataracts and can't see worth a damn?
Try not to let others judgements bring ya down, just remember all the wonderful things about yourself!
that's true, i am very maternal, it could just be down to that! thank you so much for your kind words xo0 -
I think some people just look older, regardless of age. Ever since I can remember, people have thought I was older and have been SHOCKED to realize that I am actually X years old. People always think that I'm my mother's sister. One time, I was sitting next to my uncle (who is 50, I'm 23) and someone asked if I was his wife. The worst instance I can remember is when I was 17 years old, and sitting outside the mall waiting for my mom to pick me up, and this random lady started a conversation with me and asked how old I was. I told her and she went "WHAT? I'm 38, and you look older than me!".
I don't really have any advice, because I'm also super-sensitive to that stuff, but I just use as motivation to lose weight and developing a thicker skin.
oh my, sometimes you do wish people could be a bit more smooth about it! i've never been told i look older than my age so i think i just became very shocked.0 -
Honestly I don't think what the lady said is really an insult because there is a big difference in you and your brothers ages, and it's not unusual these days for someone who is 20 to have a kid. It would be worse if you were like 15 or something. :ohwell:
i'm past it now of course, but it wouldn't it be unusual for a twenty year old to have a twelve year old child?0 -
When I was a teenager people often mistaken my youngest sister (whom was born when I was 10) for my daughter, it had nothing to do with my weight as I was at a healthy weight until my 20's. Some people are just a horrible judge at age. As far as people slapping your hand that's horrible, you should slap them in the face next time! I've found the only way to get my family to stop saying horrible comments about my weight (and some of them made just as many comments when I was under weight about how 'gross' I looked as when I was over weight about how 'fluffy' I was getting.) I am just honest with them about how much it hurts me so at least they understand that what they are saying is out of line. Good luck, don't let anyone make you feel like you are worth less than they are!0
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Seems like an extremely minor incident to me. Why cry over such a small thing? Not everybody looks their age, and being overweight obviously does not help this. Mistakes are made and people move on with their lives. She probably felt worse than you did!
As for me, any criticism or embarrassment caused by my weight has never been a big deal. I ate myself 100lbs+ overweight, it's no one's fault but my own that I looked like a fat slob. If I had actually cared, I would have done something about it years ago, but since I didn't I just accepted it as the consequences of my actions.
it was the first time i was told something like this and so i became overwhelmed. i moved on obviously because you can't dwell on something like that for life but i merely wanted to share that experience because it did upset me, if only for a short while and i wanted to know how others have dealt with situations like these. i cry very easily, for myself, for others; i don't usually regard that a weakness; however, i agree with you on this case, i shouldn't have done. people will always have something to say, so i should toughen up. i admire your relaxed approach!0 -
These experiences can feel very painful. At my girlfriend's family party earlier this year I was going up the steps to check on my sleeping grandson. I was wearing socks so I slipped on a few of the wooden steps on the way back down. A little boy about 4 or 5 years old ran over to see what the commotion was. I overheard him tell his Mommy (rather loudly), "The fat lady fell down the steps." I can chuckle about it now, but at the time I was mortified. Then at a similiar event, someone who didn't even know me very well said to my cousin that she thought I was someone else at first glance. The someone else weighs over 400 lbs! I weighed about 260lbs at that time. My partner made it her business to tell me what was said as a way to shame me into loosing weight. Sadly, I fell into a depression and just ate more.
Through spiritual practice; prayer and meditation. Practicing extreme surrender, reliance on Spirit, Self-Love, Self-Forgiveness and forgiving anyone else I needed to (and refusing to go to anymore of my partner's family gatherings...LOL!) I started to accept and love myself as I was before I changed one thing. As a matter of fact I'm on Day 12 of a 21 Day Fast from negative self-talk and harsh inner criticism that I am doing with a group! Feel free to join!
It is through these practices that in November when someone asked my sister as I sat down next to her, "Is that your mother?" that I was able to laugh and not feel offended or hurt at all. I was so proud of my progress! Later on I found out that the person who made the statement was mean mugging me because her boyfriend was eyeing me on the dance floor. LOL!
Be gentle and patient with yourself and others. Take one day at a time and determine to be the best you that you can be.
Don't let anyone here tell you how or what you should feel. Feel what you feel and then release and move on!
i want to grow to become like this! i agree with the notion of accepting you're overweight and that something needs to be done but not berating yourself because of it. thank you for your advice : )0 -
Huh, so there is another side to the people who start scolding 16 year old girls about teen pregnancy because they are out and about with their baby sibling . . .Honestly I don't think what the lady said is really an insult because there is a big difference in you and your brothers ages, and it's not unusual these days for someone who is 20 to have a kid. It would be worse if you were like 15 or something. :ohwell:
i'm past it now of course, but it wouldn't it be unusual for a twenty year old to have a twelve year old child?
Honestly, I was surprised to hear that you're only 20 when I saw you profile picture. I would have guessed 30. If it makes you feel better:
-When I was 12, we brought my older sister to college. Every step of the way, someone would ask me how I was enjoying my college orientation.
-In a restaurant, a waiter referred to my dad's mother as his wife. My grandma was already 80 years old at that point.0 -
When I was a teenager people often mistaken my youngest sister (whom was born when I was 10) for my daughter, it had nothing to do with my weight as I was at a healthy weight until my 20's. Some people are just a horrible judge at age. As far as people slapping your hand that's horrible, you should slap them in the face next time! I've found the only way to get my family to stop saying horrible comments about my weight (and some of them made just as many comments when I was under weight about how 'gross' I looked as when I was over weight about how 'fluffy' I was getting.) I am just honest with them about how much it hurts me so at least they understand that what they are saying is out of line. Good luck, don't let anyone make you feel like you are worth less than they are!
aww thank you!
i think i will just put it down to that, some people are a horrible judge of age, i myself am a terrible judge of character! i love your slapping advice, it made me laugh so much! i will bear that in mind hehe. you just can't please people, if you're overweight, you're just plain fat and if you're not overweight, you're too skinny. any time i have lost weight, people have always assumed i stopped eating. my goodness, 'fluffy' is a terrible adjective! for me, it's usually the odd distant relative who will pass such comments or perform such actions and it's so public that i feel too put under the spot to retaliate appropriately. my stance appears to be giggling nervously (awful, i know!) though once at a wedding, when somebody told mum she should stop feeding me, my eyes watered but i did defend myself albeit a poor, incohesive attempt hehe! 0 -
If it's any consolation I'm a terrible judge of age, especially when it comes to people around my age
I've had two embarrassing moments that come to mind over the others, both last year.
Firstly at a theme park one of the attendants had to stand on the bar to push it down to get it to click in, this was pretty bad, worse still because I was sat in between two friends who were laughing the place down, those monsters
Secondly was paintballing, having to go up to the desk in front of a large group of mates (birthday do) and having to ask the cute attendant behind the counter if they had any special belts that I could use as the other did not fit, again my friends didn't let me live it down too easily.
I'm pretty laid back so they weren't too terrible, but it did make me think about if I wanted to go through life having to deal with these small situations constantly and thus they were a major catalyst for me changing my life.0 -
If it's any consolation I'm a terrible judge of age, especially when it comes to people around my age
I've had two embarrassing moments that come to mind over the others, both last year.
Firstly at a theme park one of the attendants had to stand on the bar to push it down to get it to click in, this was pretty bad, worse still because I was sat in between two friends who were laughing the place down, those monsters
Secondly was paintballing, having to go up to the desk in front of a large group of mates (birthday do) and having to ask the cute attendant behind the counter if they had any special belts that I could use as the other did not fit, again my friends didn't let me live it down too easily.
I'm pretty laid back so they weren't too terrible, but it did make me think about if I wanted to go through life having to deal with these small situations constantly and thus they were a major catalyst for me changing my life.
omg your friends! hehe i really like your laid back attitude, it's better to just view these things as small situations that you would rather not have to face, and thanks for reading my essay :P i am consoled : ) also, you did a great job of changing your life, i would not have been able to guess that you were facing similar things as recently as last year!0
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