guilt, shame, sickness

windycitycupcake
windycitycupcake Posts: 516 Member
in Motivation and Support
i am embarrassed to admit this but i decided to do it because part of the reason i decided to participate in the social aspect of mfp is so i could hold myself accountable by having a community of supportive people to make these sort of proclamations and confessions to. it seems to have worked in the past so i am hoping it will work again.

i have been doing so well but last night i had such an episode, it was like what i used to do when i was sick and weighed over 200 pounds. eating and eating and stuffing myself until i couldn't hold it in and had to throw up and then eating more. yes! i know it's sad and gross. i thought i had healed myself by changing my lifestyle and committing to good health but last night terrified me.

i am trying to pinpoint what exactly triggered it but all i can think of is loneliness and general sadness. i don't want to have to worry that whenever i feel lonely i will do this to myself it is sick! not to mention i spent so much money on this disgusting food...
it happened late at night and i did not log it which is also a first..i've been logging for 125 days and never missed a single food, not even condiments.

i have tried reaching out for help on here before but end up deleting my posts because i am embarrassed, but that doesn't help because shame and secrets lead to more bingeing. i must have thrown up three or four times last night and not because i stuck my finger down my throat but because i was just physically too full and my body made me.

i never want to do things like this, even when i am sad. i don't know if anyone has suggestions or not but for me i decided to post this on the public forum even though it embarrasses me because this is the only way i can be accountable for what i did.

sorry if this grossed you out i am just trying to get better so hopefully making this public and having it stare me in the face and embarrass me will prevent me from sweeping it under the rug like i used to do.

Replies

  • Poods71
    Poods71 Posts: 502 Member
    I think the fact that you posted this is very brave and a step forward. Don't stress about one slip up. I have never really had a problem like this so don't think I would be able to advise you properly but hopefully someone on here will have some good advice to help you.

    Good luck and don't stress youself about one slip up, tomorrow is another day :flowerforyou:
  • fearless_
    fearless_ Posts: 75
    I'm sorry, I wish I could help you.
    Just know that you aren't alone.
    Maybe you should seek counseling...
    It WAS only ONE night..
    Try to keep it to a minimum...

    I do it to :/ but sometimes it just clicks to not eat that much..
    sometimes it doesn't
  • ObtainingBalance
    ObtainingBalance Posts: 1,446 Member
    It's very honest of you to post this. Don't be worried about judgement here, people want want to help. If someone is going to judge you, then theyre not worth the time.

    Your episodes sound like binge eating. Throwing up is a form of purging... do you struggle with bullimic tendencies?

    It might help to get a professionals advice... but basically find your trigger foods /situations and try to steer away from them.... keep certain foods out of the house .

    Food can become a crutch/coping mechanism for people... aim to find other hobbies. There are binge eating support groups on here. Good luck
  • charleneagilmore
    charleneagilmore Posts: 37 Member
    Windycity,

    You are strong. Stronger than you think. it shows because you posted this even though it is embarrassing and shameful to you. I can relate because I too have been battling some very recent 'need' to binge. And frankly, I'm not quite sure why either. And just like you I really don't WANT to do it, but feel almost like I HAVE to. It's an awful feeling.

    I'm sure lots of folks will reply that there has to be some underlying reason for this behavior- and I am sure there is.. but, until you figure that part out, perhaps for us the key is figuring out how to deal w/ it. Sometimes, our coping mechanisms will work and sometimes they won't. Just don't let one episode make you feel like all you've done to lose 60 lbs was in vain. It wasn't. It isn't. and you are STILL on the right path.

    Stay calm, stay strong, carry on. Best of luck to you.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    It's very brave of you to post this. Wish I could help but I think you may need to seek professional help. You said you have done this before and you aren't sure what the trigger is. I think with professional help, you may be able to pinpoint that trigger and learn to overcome it.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    It's good that you are saying something. Sadness and loneliness are common around this time of year, so you're not alone there.

    You would be well served to find a friend or family member to talk to, or someone at your church. Or maybe start volumteering - that will get you out of your head and you will meet new people.

    Something that helps me when I am in a sad mood is to start writing in my journal. I have one on my computer. So you can pour out all your feelings and desires, and you will be able to solve some of your problems this way. It really works. The only one you can ever really be accountable to is yourself, anyway.

    I recently watched a film and one of the doctors said she often prescribes this: Attach a reminder to your mirror.....look into your own eyes and say this to yourself daily, "I love you unconditionally, right now." ...then wait for a ll the negative stuff ("I'm unloveable, I'm fat, I'm disgusting") whatever you say to yourself. But the thing is, in about a month you will start to feel a shift in yourself.

    Good luck . You have the power within you to heal yourself. We all do.
  • Mpol2
    Mpol2 Posts: 442 Member
    First of all, don't be ashamed. You did it. You own it. You try to figure out why. But today is a new day.....move on, chin up.

    Sounds to me like you may want to reach out for help to an ED support group or counsellor.

    But don' t let this kill your successful logging streak... And don't let it knock you off track ....you have come too far to quit. At least do a quick calorie entry for yesterday, best guess, and then get back on track RIGHT NOW. Good luck, honey, and hang in.
  • icimani
    icimani Posts: 1,454 Member
    Good for you for reaching out for some support. I know what kind of courage it took to post it - that's a huge step! .

    It sounds like you need more than what a social forum like this can provide. You need to talk to a professional about the loneliness and sadness, and your relationship with food. I will tell you that what you're going through is not at all uncommon. Lots of people eat to feel numb, so they don't have to feel the loneliness and sadness and a host of other emotions. I can certainly relate. For yourself, please reach out once more to a professional therapist or counselor. You're worth it!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't have any advice, but I hope you can love yourself enough to seek some help for this.
  • MichaelFunaro
    MichaelFunaro Posts: 66 Member
    Sometimes certain foods trigger that affect in me, so I try to steer clear of them. Sugar has that affect on me. All I can tell you is not to beat yourself up over it. What happened is done and now you move on. You learn and try to avoid it in the future. I think we all do that from time to time, but if you can identify why it happened, then you are learning from the experience and that is something good that came out of something bad.
  • jynxxxed
    jynxxxed Posts: 1,010 Member
    I don't have any other advice than definitely seeking some professional help, but I do think you should try to log it. It will help make it reality and maybe assist with your mindset the next time you're considering a binge. Not logging it is almost pretending like it didn't happen.

    Best of luck :flowerforyou:
  • lovechicagobears
    lovechicagobears Posts: 289 Member
    I almost had a horrific binge a couple of weeks ago when I was traveling for business. I was exhausted and lonely, missing my boyfriend and kitties, in a hotel room in a strange town (and not an exciting town, or that would have been awesome). I had a TV and a bunch of food. I didn't want to binge, but I couldn't think of anything else.

    Finally, I walked across the street to Meijer, a 24-hour grocery/department store. It sounds silly, but I walked around for an hour or so, just browsing things. It helped to be around people, even though I didn't know them, and it was distracting enough to keep me from reaching for food. By the time I walked back to my hotel room, I felt more relaxed and ready to read until I got sleepy. I did buy some fruit to eat while I read.

    I remember doing that after hard breakups - going to a coffee shop with a book or walking around the 24-hour stores - because it allowed me to be near people without feeling like I was imposing on anyone (especially when it was late at night).

    I know some people HATE going to coffee shops and restaurants alone, but I find that if you have a good book with you, it can be very relaxing and fill that need to be near people without actually socializing.
  • Missylydia
    Missylydia Posts: 304 Member
    I almost had a horrific binge a couple of weeks ago when I was traveling for business. I was exhausted and lonely, missing my boyfriend and kitties, in a hotel room in a strange town (and not an exciting town, or that would have been awesome). I had a TV and a bunch of food. I didn't want to binge, but I couldn't think of anything else.

    Finally, I walked across the street to Meijer, a 24-hour grocery/department store. It sounds silly, but I walked around for an hour or so, just browsing things. It helped to be around people, even though I didn't know them, and it was distracting enough to keep me from reaching for food. By the time I walked back to my hotel room, I felt more relaxed and ready to read until I got sleepy. I did buy some fruit to eat while I read.

    I remember doing that after hard breakups - going to a coffee shop with a book or walking around the 24-hour stores - because it allowed me to be near people without feeling like I was imposing on anyone (especially when it was late at night).

    I know some people HATE going to coffee shops and restaurants alone, but I find that if you have a good book with you, it can be very relaxing and fill that need to be near people without actually socializing.

    I do this too! And I also find that fruity and herbally teas help. My personal favourite is lemon and ginger. It is warm and comforting and tasty so it feels like a treat.
  • riveraphx
    riveraphx Posts: 380 Member
    i don't think you should be embarrassed. i honestly wish i was there, to give you a hug. i think counting your calories and logging your food may just be putting a bandaid on a deeper wound. it sounds like there are issues that make you sad and your coping mechanism is food.

    i really hope that you're able to get in contact with a therapist that can help you discover and heal from those issues that maybe are the real reason behind your binging.
  • dancerom
    dancerom Posts: 174 Member
    Wow... thank you for posting this. I would like to honor you and your honesty for this step.

    And I would like to tell you, that it is normal to feel ashamed and guilty for uncontrolled things that happen to us. It's normal and human. But it's not necessary.
    And in the end it doesn't help you overcoming a behavior, because you (we all) keep the things we are ashamed of in the dark.
    And so they get mightier. By bringing it to the light (and the public) you did a first step towards healing yourself! Congratulations!

    And I am sure you know yourself what the next (maybe tiny little looking) step (but feeling huge) for you would be .

    I wish you luck and honesty and a lot, a lot, a lot of patience and love for yourself!
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    Whether its food or something else, when you're going through recovery there is always the chance that you backslide. The important thing is that you keep coming back. Yea, you messed up but none of us is perfect. Look yourself in the mirror, forgive yourself and move on. Keep coming back.
  • ic3co0l
    ic3co0l Posts: 57 Member
    Don't be embarrassed.. we are only human.. and most definitely there are people who the same experiences as you. You are not alone!

    I personally have major anxiety and the only way I treat it or cope with it.. is through food. I binge until I feel sick. In the past I used to throw up some.. and do it again.
    Whenever I feel SAD or LONELY, I tend to get an anxiety attack.. and the only means for me to cope right away is to eat something (usually something unhealthy). My anxiety has progressed more severely throughout the years. Now when I experience anxiety I literally get a pain in my brain (headache), and sometimes I get pains in my stomach. So right away, I have to over-eat, over-indulge to satisfy *make me happy in the moment. Often results in REGRET... however there was nothing else I could do in that time to cope with the physical pains of loneliness and sadness. I FIGURED, instead of food as a coping mechanism, I have to find something else perhaps medications. Although a part of me does not want to take anxiety related meds.. because I took anti-depressants in the summer and was horrible for me. INSTEAD, I have researched online to find something natural that can help with me anxiety/mood. And I've found that taking Omega 369 for example, has calmed my sense down a lot.. it aids in supporting healthy brain function. The chemicals in my brain feel a bit more stable and I no longer have those pains in my brain when I'm going through an anxiety episode. After treating the root problem, anxiety.. I don't feel the need to have these crazy binges... eating yourself because there is nothing else you can do.. feeling. It's almost like a feeling of suicide. Sometimes I wish I was addicted to drugs or used cigarettes to cope instead, so at least I wouldn't be fat.

    What I'm basically trying to tell you, is that you have to find out the main source of the problem and how to fix it or ALLEVIATE IT.

    Also what is best is preventing yourself from sadness.. I know I make it sound like it's the easiest thing to do.. but it is DO-ABLE. My problems that created loneliness, still exist.. however I just have a new change of heart on my perspective. Sometimes you can't change anything at the moment, you can only change about how you FEEL OR VIEW the situation.

    "In life we have a second chance, it's called tomorrow"
    "You don't have a problem with food, you have a problem that you're trying to solve WITH food"
    Find out the root of the problem, whether it be how to deal with the sad emotions or how to get yourself or better yourself in your situation. I know it's tough, trust me.. i've gone hell and back.. but I know it is possible.

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