I'm so incredibly lost...

Marcellus_08
Marcellus_08 Posts: 253
in Motivation and Support
Usually, I'm not the whiny type....or at least I'm not the type that whines to people outside of my mom and best friend. But its time I ask for serious help. So here I am.

I'm 23 years old, and I gave birth to my son November 17,2012 thirteen weeks early. Due to extreme brain damage, we decided to take him of life support. Hours before he passed I was told that I can never have kids again. It killed me. I felt like I was grieving the loss of my son, and all the kids I wanted to have after him. Long story short, I'm lost.

I have always been raised to eat my feelings, if you're sad, have some ice cream. We all know (me included) that of COURSE this isn't the right thing to do. Unfortunately its all I know. I just don't know where to pick the the pieces up again. I just need help and guidance. I don't want my bad habits to turn into my daughters bad habits. I don't know where to start.

*Some people have sent me a personal message asking what happened, so I guess here is the link to the blog about Zaine stoy for those of you interested*

http://themarcellusfamily.blogspot.com/2012/12/zainesstory.html

Replies

  • lina011
    lina011 Posts: 427 Member
    Im lost for words myself....... im sorry that you happened to you.

    Maybe replace that icecream with writing your feelings down or going for a walk, when im upset i seek my treadmill i run so fast and hard that it makes makes me feel better.

    Seek some professional help, take one day at a time . Im not much help
  • g0hard0rg0h0me00
    g0hard0rg0h0me00 Posts: 52
    Oh goodness, I am SO sorry to hear that. That is absolutely awful and I can't imagine it. Maybe a good playlist and a half hour at the gym would be nice. I can't imagine how to cope with that, but acknowledging it and asking for help and wanting to not cope by eating is a great start. Maybe try stocking up on healthier alternatives. For example 90 calorie bread and laughing cow wedges instead of bagels and cheese. Healthier ice cream bars, I really wish you the best and feel free to add me or message me if you need extra support! And as I'm sure you do, keep your daughter in mind and remind yourself that you are doing it for her. Wish I could be more help.
  • Rogue_Minx
    Rogue_Minx Posts: 71 Member
    Sometimes you just need to grieve.

    I'm not a professional therapist, and I'm sure that a ton of people on here are going to disagree with what I have to say but oh well.

    Honestly, now isn't the time to worry too much about what habits your daughter may pick up. Enjoy your ice cream, just in moderation. I don't have any children nor do I plan on ever having any so I can't comment on the loss you've just experienced. But I do know that humans need to go through a grieving process before things start to return to normal.

    Try to go about your life as you normally would. Talk to people who are close to you. Bring them closer to help you heal.

    Sorry I don't have much constructive advice. I wish you well though.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    I honestly don't know what to except that I'm sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out to you.

    I mean this is the most nice and concerned way, are you seeing a therapist or any professional to guide you through this difficult time? If not, I would suggest doing so and asking them for help on this.
  • KimBeron
    KimBeron Posts: 50 Member
    From a mom who lost her daughter.....life will now be a new normal, pain does not ever go away and forever I believe I will yearn to have one more day with my child. You have a daughter? I have a son and I now am putting all my energy into losing weight and being healthy so that I can enjoy everyday I have left with him. Stay strong!
  • KimBeron
    KimBeron Posts: 50 Member
    Might also want to look into Compassionate Friends, somedays it helps me realize I'm not crazy.
  • kiddoc88
    kiddoc88 Posts: 244 Member
    First of all let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Feel free to send me a message if you need a listening ear
  • HeatherTransformed
    HeatherTransformed Posts: 213 Member
    I am so so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you have been dealt way more than is right for someone your age. :o(

    I lost my only child on November 16, 2010. I was lucky enough to have 14 years with him, but feel completely cheated because I lost my only child. I also feel I'm too old to have children. So though I don't know how you feel... I have an idea.

    You are still young, sweetie. Adoption may not be where you saw your life headed, but it is most definitely an option.

    I was overweight when I lost my son and continued to gain weight after his death. Finally I had enough. I wanted something different and have since lost 55 lbs. I deserve to be happy with my body. I may not be happy with my life.... I may not be happy with what I have been dealt.... but I can be happy about my appearance.

    You CAN do this. You CAN make changes. You know what you need to do and though it may seem like a hard battle some days, as long as we're moving in the right direction, we're doing good.

    Best of luck to you, sweetie. If you want you can add me. :o) I log daily, so am always here if you need someone to bounce things off of someone.
  • chelkins16
    chelkins16 Posts: 51 Member
    Hello, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Emotional eating can be a hard habit to break. You say you have a daughter. When you are sad or having trouble coping, and feel like ice cream will take away the pain, why not instead just play with your daughter? She is a gift and children have an amazing way of cheering people up. I do not know how old your daughter is, but you could go to the park, take a walk, get down on the floor and play, or just talk to her. It may help to temporarily take your mind of things and improve your mood. It may also strengthen the bond between the two of you.

    I also like the suggestion of writing your feelings down. You could start a blog, you never know who you could be an inspiration to just by sharing your story. It may also help you connect with people who have been through a similar situation.

    My heart goes out to you and your family.
  • JustANumber85
    JustANumber85 Posts: 644 Member
    HUGS. I have no words.
  • Barbellerella
    Barbellerella Posts: 1,838 Member
    So sorry for the pain your going through. Just know there are still people left in this world that care. ((Hugs))
  • ParkerH47
    ParkerH47 Posts: 463 Member
    Im so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.

    If you can, try seeing a counsellor, there may be some free options in your area that you may want to look into?
    First and foremost I would take care of your emotional health because that is so important, and stress hormones and emotional eating can have a detrimental effect on our weight. Luckily, diet and regular moderate intensity exercise are really good at regulating mood and improving depression.

    I wish you the best of luck!
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
    I read your blog...My heart is breaking for you. I wish I had the right words for you...please show yourself as much kindness as you can during this terrible time. Therapy is the only thing I can recommend. God bless you and your family.
  • erinxo13
    erinxo13 Posts: 892 Member
    I want to give you the biggest hug. I am so incredibly sorry that happened to you. I can only imagine how difficult that blog post must have been for you to write. I know it sounds a bit trite but I would really look into getting some type of counselling, so many feelings to deal with right now. I hope you're doing better soon, and know that little Zaine is up there watching over you. <3
  • terijoestoes
    terijoestoes Posts: 205 Member
    So sorry for your loss. I have a friend who was told she could never have children and she has 4 now. Unless you don't have a womb or it is physically dangerous to have another child, drs. Don't know everything. Don't give up hope til all avenues are explored. Use other tools to deal with your grief. Grieving is a process and everyone gets through it at a different pace. Try a grief support group and leave your heart open to all possibilities
  • Cherie7575
    Cherie7575 Posts: 233
    So very sorry to hear about all that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope it helps just a little to talk about it. Love and light to you and your family. Take care of yourself.
  • sauza
    sauza Posts: 159 Member
    Oh Honey, you've got to grieve. First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, under the circumstances I wouldn't yet worry about my comfort foods. You didn't mention whether or not you are up to any cardio, but cardio will produce endorphins which will help stabilize and improve your emotional state. I have a friend who had to deal with some incredible grief and her method of coping was to walk for her comfort foods, which were ice cream and candy. She just strolled, but in her case it was 2 or 3 miles between her chosen ice cream parlor and convenience store. She told me that at the end of it all those walks brought her back to a balanced healthy place. In fact, she swears they changed her life. She now believes walking changed her life in the most positive way. She was able to meditate, contemplate without it turning to depression because she was "in motion" rather than sitting or lieing in the bed. She had not been particularly interested in fitness, but became more than interested. At the end of her grieving periond instead of having gained weight and having more issues to deal with, she had actually lost weight and built cardio strength and great legs and so forth. Just a thought. Again, sorry you are dealing with such loss. Good luck to you. Hope you are able to take a stroll and feel a bit better for it.
  • Ofaatu
    Ofaatu Posts: 42 Member
    I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little man. I just read your blog and I am in tears.

    Your pain is still so raw and your loss so recent. I wouldn't even bother trying to worry about your weight or exercising until you feel you are really ready.

    Again, my thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of yourself and your family and worry about weight loss later.
  • Marcellus_08
    Marcellus_08 Posts: 253
    Thank you to all of you for taking the time to write to me and give suggestions. I am not currently seeing a therapist but I think every single one of you suggested it , so maybe I will haha.

    Thanks again responding.
  • RDawn7
    RDawn7 Posts: 38
    My sincerest sympathy goes out to you in your time of grief and loss. I don't think you sound whiny at all. You need to grieve, and you need to talk about it. The best thing I can do for you is offer up prayers for you and your loved ones. If you ever need to keep talking about it, I am hear to listen. I am a psychologist by trade and can offer you my knowledge. Good luck to you and again please free to add me on your friend's list.
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
    I just read your blog and I couldn't imagine going through that. My family's prayers are with you in this time. You need to grieve and talking about it helps.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    The Compassionate Friends is an amazing support group for grieving parents of all types and all ages. I strongly recommend you find a group near you and pay them a visit.

    Do give yourself a chance to grieve and be gentle with yourself. When you are ready to focus your energy on getting back in shape, you can do that, but for now, I think you might need to focus on grieving. A professional therapist really would be an excellent thing, too.

    ~*~ hugs ~*~
  • JanaCanada
    JanaCanada Posts: 917 Member
    My deepest sympathies re: your loss. I can't even imagine how heartbroken you must feel.

    I am a bereavement recovery (BR) facilitator. There are classes like mine all over North America. They are free and the volunteers are very well trained. Please do yourself a HUGE favour and look into them. Start with the hospital nearest you. If they can't direct you to a BR class, phone a hospice or funeral home. Funeral directors are usually very keen on where to find a class. Finally, understand that most ministers must take a "grief course", so call a local church. In fact, many churches themselves offer grief support classes.

    I don't know how old your daughter is, but chances are good that she is grieving, too. Rainbows International is a wonderful BR course for kids who have lost a parent or sibling through death, or even divorce. For locations near you, go to www.rainbows.org.

    God bless you on your journey. xoxox

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