Terrified of Intimacy
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JustJazmyn
Posts: 1
I've lost 23 pounds since joining MFP in July and 65 since January. I am proud of my weight loss, but I feel it is insubstantial because my stomach is still too large and I have horrid stretch marks. I have dated two guys in the past year, and ended it with both rather quickly. I didn't want them to see my body. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted with what I see. I know weight loss is a slow process and it's going to take patience and time to see the kind of results I'm looking for, but I don't want to wait to have a relationship. How do I get over this paralyzing fear of being intimate?
I am 5'7 and 158 pounds.
I am 5'7 and 158 pounds.
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Replies
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You stomach isn't what they are looking at when you are naked or getting frisky. Most men aren't going to care about a few imperfections and you're probably much harder on yourself than any man worth having would be. If it really bothers you get some cute little nightie type things that cover that area when you're getting intimate.0
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Maybe you should work on esteem issues before you contemplate getting involved in a relationship....you shouldn't feel that badly about your body. If a man is worthy of you getting naked with him, he shouldn't be the type of guy who would freak out over some stretch marks, you know? And I am pretty positive that most men would not be focused on your stomach anyway.
Maybe wait to share yourself with someone else until you address why you feel "disgusted" by your body. 0 -
First of all congrats on your tremendous loss...howd u do it? As per your post1.Dating doesnt require sex. 2If you arent comfortable with your body you will continue to have issues in this area. 3.Accept yourself first and others will follow.4.For your strecth marks I suggest vitamin E oil or bio oil0
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Hi JustJazmyn,
I'd recommend that you make intimacy not a part of dating. In other words, if there's no wedding, there's no sex. Nowadays that's a pretty radical way of thinking, but I think you should remember that you're worthwhile and not let anyone have what is precious without that commitment.
(Start the hate mail now, lol!)
My favorite quote for this situation: If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.
Stay amazing.0 -
Hi JustJazmyn,
I'd recommend that you make intimacy not a part of dating. In other words, if there's no wedding, there's no sex. Nowadays that's a pretty radical way of thinking, but I think you should remember that you're worthwhile and not let anyone have what is precious without that commitment.
(Start the hate mail now, lol!)
My favorite quote for this situation: If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.
Stay amazing.
I agree with the last two sentences! He does NOT deserve you if he can't accept you with what you consider to be an imperfection. If he loves YOU, that truly won't matter.
As for the rest of it, whether or not to have physical intimacy in your relationships, with or without marriage, is a very personal choice. You have to be able to do what YOU are comfortable with. If the reason you aren't intimate is because you feel self-conscious about your appearance I think you need to examine why you feel that way. You are adorable! If this is a problem, make sure you feel comfortable enough to talk to any potential partners that you might have with why you're self-conscious. Odds are anyone you'd feel close enough to, to talk to them about this will have already proven to you that he's worthy of a relationship that could lead to physical intimacy.
And yes... stay amazing!0 -
first great job on the weight.
second i'd like to point out that intimacy and sex arent necessarily the same things.
my guess is that you are mistaking the two (which it seems some of the people who have responded are as well) intimacy SHOULD be a part of dating and i dont mean necessarily in the sexual. my guess is that you you dont feel comfortable because you havent been intimate enough (ie getting to know them, letting them getting to know you, a sense of closeness, etc) before attempting to have sex.
intimacy is more an emotional, menta and spiritual connection than a physical one. work on the mental/emotional connection and odds are you werent feel so self conscious about your body0 -
you need to address this issue, Ive lost 65 pounds and still hate my body, wheni bend over my stomach rolls, when i bend over theres ceullite on my *kitten*, laying on my back my boobs flop over, you cant be waiting for perfection youll never see it that way0
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Hello JustJazmyn,
When I first read your post, I thought you will either need to not date until get comfortable with your body, or you need to get comfortable now and deal with the flaws. But then, something else came to mind.
Why not get to know a man and he get to know you and you don't become intimate until you feel comfortable. How about letting the man you are interested in know your fears and your insecurities. He will either love you more and run away. Then you can make a better assessment on how to handle intimacy.
Also know that intimacy does not have to include sex. Let it be intimacy of the mind and of heart. Real vulnerability comes from sharing what's inside of us and being confident enough to let someone else see what cannot be seen on the outside.
With that said, since you don't want to wait to date, don't. But make good choices about dating, wait for sex until you are ready for all that comes involved with it. And, if you believe in counseling, maybe talk with a professional who may be able to give you tips on how to handle sexual intimacy whenever you are ready to go there with someone.0 -
Hi JustJazmyn,
I'd recommend that you make intimacy not a part of dating. In other words, if there's no wedding, there's no sex. Nowadays that's a pretty radical way of thinking, but I think you should remember that you're worthwhile and not let anyone have what is precious without that commitment.
(Start the hate mail now, lol!)
My favorite quote for this situation: If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.
Stay amazing.
This. There's nothing wrong with waiting. Enjoy the dating!0 -
I know how you feel. I'm a light weight, but because I have no muscle, I look heavier than I am. I too am scared of being in bed, because well, my past boyfriend was a stick and all muscle, and a new guy I am seeing is ripped. I think the key is finding your comfort zone. For me, it was wearing stuff (like lingerie) until I felt comfortable enough in my own skin. I think the other key is finding a guy that you feel comfortable with, someone who won't judge you because you have a little pudge here or there. But another fun thing to keep in mind when it comes to the bedroom: It burns lots of calories in there too! haha
Hey, if you need any other support or help, I'd love to be friends on here! Just add me if you want. Good luck! 0 -
As a guy. By the time I see your tummy, I'm not going to care. HAHA no offense but you are being silly, you most likely ended your relationships due to lack of confidence, not any perceived flaws. If its THAT big a deal to you spice it up.
get some lingerie that covers it up, or makes it like a game.
Or just go with a doggie or reverse cow girl.0 -
I've lost 23 pounds since joining MFP in July and 65 since January. I am proud of my weight loss, but I feel it is insubstantial because my stomach is still too large and I have horrid stretch marks. I have dated two guys in the past year, and ended it with both rather quickly. I didn't want them to see my body. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted with what I see. I know weight loss is a slow process and it's going to take patience and time to see the kind of results I'm looking for, but I don't want to wait to have a relationship. How do I get over this paralyzing fear of being intimate?
I am 5'7 and 158 pounds.
Beauty is just a light switch away.
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Find the guy you intend to marry and wait until marriage. If he loves you enough to marry you, he'll probably love you through thick and thin 0
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take your time and establish a deep, long friendship with the next guy. It will not matter a bit what your body looks like if you truly connect with a good man/guy/friend. i'm older, have been around that block and I think you're maybe asking the wrong questions:-)
merry christmas,
t0 -
first great job on the weight.
second i'd like to point out that intimacy and sex arent necessarily the same things.
my guess is that you are mistaking the two (which it seems some of the people who have responded are as well) intimacy SHOULD be a part of dating and i dont mean necessarily in the sexual. my guess is that you you dont feel comfortable because you havent been intimate enough (ie getting to know them, letting them getting to know you, a sense of closeness, etc) before attempting to have sex.
intimacy is more an emotional, menta and spiritual connection than a physical one. work on the mental/emotional connection and odds are you werent feel so self conscious about your body
^^^This is very good advice!!!0 -
http://www.operationbeautiful.com/about-2/
Operation Beautiful... you should do this fun challenge. You might end up loving yourself, your body and seeing what a beautiful person you are inside and out.
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Try faking confidence. Wear something really sexy and pretend you don't care, pretend you're super hot. Funny enough, if you think that way then you start to look that way, and then you start to believe it. It really is all your perception, if a guy has gone to that point with you he doesn't care about little imperfections. Women are way harder on themselves than most men are!0
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My ex saw this one day and sent it to me. I always remember it.
"Girls are always trying to cover up. A lot of females I've been with seem to have a hard time being naked, without covers or the lights off, without the security of clothes. But when I'm with a naked girl, all I can think about it is how excited I am. How lucky I am that she trusts me enough to be there with her. And I never notice anything except how hot she looks."
"Sometimes, after sex, my girlfriend will ask me, 'What are you thinking about?' Honestly? I'm just thinking about how awesome that was and wondering when I'm going to get to do it again."0 -
First of all...we are the same height and my goal weight is 175..
This is not an intimacy issue though...it is a you issue. Perhaps time for some counselling and body and self acceptance lessons.
Most if not all men might not even notice the things you do, let alone mind. They are just happy and grateful to be having sex.
If you are confident and feel sexy...that is all that matters. And you can have a non-flat tummy and stretch marks and still be those things.0 -
Heavy petting0
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