Almost step kid=stress=no wtloss
Mistyblu08
Posts: 580 Member
in Chit-Chat
Anyone have an issue with step kids that screws with your wtloss??? 17 year old who thinks he knows how to play mind games....quits his $10 and hour job with his boss/mom and is now living back at our house doing absolutely nothing except sleeping eating and smoking pot.....his dad tells him to get a job- quit smoking pot-get your car back-dont bring those friends over here-finish school and get your **** together.....so everytime we try to help him get a job etc etc etc- he doesnt like it or has something better to do...namely nothing....no work ethics here......I get so frustrated and pissed ....try to give him the benefit of the doubt- telling his Dad not to give up on him since hes just a punk kid trying to push himself around to see how much we will take- but I tell you its getting harder and harder to have his back and try to help either of them.....i eat and eat and drink beer out of frustration and sort of depression because i know this is never going to end- the kid is never gonna be more than he is right now becuase he doesnt want to be more......and what makes it more frustrating is i cant understand the lack of motivation in the kid and there is no way I can help him which is what I used to do best- help people lol not this time ....I guess I feel like I am failing him and so that brings on more frustration....ugh nasty circle......anyways- any ideas on how to work around this??? How do I get out of the gerbil wheel other than leaving the love of my life - which I cant do lol
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Replies
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He doesn't want to be more because he doesn't have to be. There's no consequences for his actions. He's 17, he's nearly an adult. His dad needs to institute consequences. He's currently running your house.0
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i have a stepkid whos 16 and does the same thing minus the weed. but it dont make me eat out of frustration. take ure frustration to the gym since its not legal to beat his *kitten*. thats what i do!0
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anyway why would u leave ure wife cuz him? its only one more year u have to deal with him. i have 2 for mine but as soon as hes 18 in putting in to transfer bases and just leaving the kid. lol0
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You are not alone and him being a step has nothing to do with it, trust me. Anyone's child can and does do this. My son 18yo is in the same boat and we've been thru the ringer with him. He does better and then gets worse. He has some issues other than just being lazy but I get so frustrated with him. He cannot stay with his dad anymore. They've adopted 2 young children (crazy yes) and he is not allowed to go over there so I have the total responsibility for him. I've told him if he doesn't get his act together in the next month, he will be living with friends and having no phone. His dad bought his car so I can't take that away. I took his phone away for a solid month and he got much better. I intend to do that again this weekend and give him 30 days to get a job. It is the biggest stressor in my life I can tell you. I pray A LOT!! Good luck with your son.0
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He doesn't want to be more because he doesn't have to be. There's no consequences for his actions. He's 17, he's nearly an adult. His dad needs to institute consequences. He's currently running your house.
yes I agree
and have told my fiancee that and I think he is starting to get it but they have never had any kind of discipline or respect at all but there isnt much I can do about it hence the frustration also.......thank you 0 -
i have a stepkid whos 16 and does the same thing minus the weed. but it dont make me eat out of frustration. take ure frustration to the gym since its not legal to beat his *kitten*. thats what i do!
lmbo yep the beating his *kitten* idea has crossed my mind believe me lmbo but not my kid....and I did a furious workout at home last night which did help some with venting as well as beating up some of the cals I ingested....I am a very emotional eater lol something I want to change just not sure how to go about it lol0 -
anyway why would u leave ure wife cuz him? its only one more year u have to deal with him. i have 2 for mine but as soon as hes 18 in putting in to transfer bases and just leaving the kid. lol
lmbo and I would be leaving my male fiancee ......and I guess we are kind of doing the same thing....we are building a house with only one bedroom....when its done this spring he gotta move out cuz this old house getting burnt down....a threat from his own dad though I am not sure that he will carry it out- hes kind of a softy lol0 -
Oh man this is a tough one!! I was a huge stonner from middle school till I was like 22.. So I can relate to him in some ways.. BUT I had a job since I was 16 (usually two jobs) and I was out of my parents house but the age of 17!! I'm sure he will eventually mature and catch his head.. But I say tough love is the way to go!! I wouldn't kick him out on the street. But I wouldn't give him spending money, make him pay his own bills!!!! (cell phone, car, insurance, maybe even atleast $50 a month rent) prepare him for the real world.. Don't let him be a freeloader!! I always had to pay for everything myself so I knew the value of a dollar.. He wants to act like a adult and do illegal things then he needs to grow up and take responsibility! I have nothing against pot, I think its harmless and a great stress reliever but it makes you procrastinate! I think your doing the right thing by trying to be supportive for your spouse and step-son, so good job. I think the kid should have boundaries yes!!! But be careful, pushing a teen too hard leads to rebellion.. Stupid kids think they know it all, I say this from experience because I'm 24... So my teen years are still fresh I can relate to both sides! GOOD LUCK!! I don't think there's any way around this, all kids go through stages!
IDEA: instead of turning to food and beer to cope with your stress.. Find a new hobby and occupy yourself! or go get a massage to relieve your stress, or channel that frustration and stress toward workouts or yoga!! Hope this helps. 0 -
You are not alone and him being a step has nothing to do with it, trust me. Anyone's child can and does do this. My son 18yo is in the same boat and we've been thru the ringer with him. He does better and then gets worse. He has some issues other than just being lazy but I get so frustrated with him. He cannot stay with his dad anymore. They've adopted 2 young children (crazy yes) and he is not allowed to go over there so I have the total responsibility for him. I've told him if he doesn't get his act together in the next month, he will be living with friends and having no phone. His dad bought his car so I can't take that away. I took his phone away for a solid month and he got much better. I intend to do that again this weekend and give him 30 days to get a job. It is the biggest stressor in my life I can tell you. I pray A LOT!! Good luck with your son.
I raised both my boys (now 21 & 22) by myself ....and yes it was frustrating at times and no they werent perfect by any means lol but they respected me and they learned a work ethic etc etc ....and yes we butted heads but I always made sure I came out on top or lose their respect....boys need a firm hand....well all kids these days need a firm hand but its a whole lot easier when they are your offspring lol ....I prayed A LOT too back then ....mostly to hang onto my sanity and for them to stay alive long enough to realize you dont have to be a total **** lol0 -
I don't have kids, so I don't have practical advice to give. I just want to say that I was a total *kitten* at 17 and it took being dropped on my *kitten* completely out into the real world before I figured out what I needed to do. Not saying that's what you need to do, only that if that's what happens, you didn't fail the kid.0
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Stop making excuses. The choices are abound on how you perceive the challenges and "stress" before you. I swear I heard somewhere that exercise is a GREAT stress reliever.0
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Oh man this is a tough one!! I was a huge stonner from middle school till I was like 22.. So I can relate to him in some ways.. BUT I had a job since I was 16 (usually two jobs) and I was out of my parents house but the age of 17!! I'm sure he will eventually mature and catch his head.. But I say tough love is the way to go!! I wouldn't kick him out on the street. But I wouldn't give him spending money, make him pay his own bills!!!! (cell phone, car, insurance, maybe even atleast $50 a month rent) prepare him for the real world.. Don't let him be a freeloader!! I always had to pay for everything myself so I knew the value of a dollar.. He wants to act like a adult and do illegal things then he needs to grow up and take responsibility! I have nothing against pot, I think its harmless and a great stress reliever but it makes you procrastinate! I think your doing the right thing by trying to be supportive for your spouse and step-son, so good job. I think the kid should have boundaries yes!!! But be careful, pushing a teen too hard leads to rebellion.. Stupid kids think they know it all, I say this from experience because I'm 24... So my teen years are still fresh I can relate to both sides! GOOD LUCK!! I don't think there's any way around this, all kids go through stages!
IDEA: instead of turning to food and beer to cope with your stress.. Find a new hobby and occupy yourself! or go get a massage to relieve your stress, or channel that frustration and stress toward workouts or yoga!! Hope this helps.
mmmmm thanks for the inside scoop:) I have never done nor will I do a drug....i figure beer is bad enough lol .....his mom took his car cuz he doesnt have a job to pay for ins and his dad has said that he wont pay for any of that for him but he is a lil wishy washy on stuff so I am not holding my breath lol I was raised that way too and so were my kids- paying for your own stuff etc so maybe thats why I dont understand it lol and yes I am well aware about kids and stages....my boys are out of the house now and we went through it all too lol .....mmmm like the massage idea:) and your also right about doing something else besides being destructive towards myself- thank you!! 0 -
I don't have kids, so I don't have practical advice to give. I just want to say that I was a total *kitten* at 17 and it took being dropped on my *kitten* completely out into the real world before I figured out what I needed to do. Not saying that's what you need to do, only that if that's what happens, you didn't fail the kid.
thank you- hopefully it doesnt come to that:)0 -
Stop making excuses. The choices are abound on how you perceive the challenges and "stress" before you. I swear I heard somewhere that exercise is a GREAT stress reliever.
Is it an excuse?? .... idk perhaps it is ....I have always internalized issues to the detriment to my health....trying something new by trying to talk it out and get feed back.....and I KNOW that exercise is a great stress reliever but the others are an old habit ...the first thing I think about and reach for.....doesnt make it right...just saying.....but perhaps your right....distance myself from the **** and go exercise and let them deal with it lol0 -
This has nothing to do with him being a step child. Just go to the gym to work off the stress, worry about yourself.0
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I really feel for you. Raising kids is tough. My mom had both ends of the spectrum with my sister & me. My sister was like your stepson, while I tried not to make any waves. After all, my sister was making enough!
I've been dating a man with two young children, a 5-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. The 7-year-old is a master manipulator of her father, and it KILLS ME, haha. What it comes down to is consistency. My boyfriend feels guilty because his ex-wife has primary custody, so he softens a bit when it comes to his kids. His daughter sees this and plays on it to get what she wants. She also imitates her mother's way of getting what she wants: bad-mouthing, attention-getting, etc. It's pretty impressive for a 7-year-old. :laugh:
From what I've read, you and your fiancee are not on the same page. In your previous posts, you've mentioned that he is a big softy and is kind of wishy-washy on following through with consequences/threats. That needs to stop. Your stepson knows his dad won't kick him out/make him pay for things/let him fail, so he continues doing what he's doing. Sit down with your fiancee and address this (nicely, of course) and see if you can come up with a plan to address your stepson's behavior. Let's face it, he's 17. His patterns of behavior are ingrained, but IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RELEARN. All of us on MFP are evidence of that.
Best of luck to you, hun! :flowerforyou:0 -
It's very simple. STOP HAVING THE KID'S BACK. If he isn't responding to it, quit helping him. How fast do you think he will straighten out if you stop buying things for him, stop cooking for him, and tell him he needs a job to pay for his own crap? If you keep letting him get away with not having a job, why the hell would he bother getting a job?
My parents never bought me anything once I was legally old enough to work. If I wanted something, I had to get a job and earn it. That went for everything, from a TV or video game to my first car. That went a long way to instilling me with a strong work ethic, as I was a teenager, and I wanted stuff. I worked, and I was able to buy stuff.0 -
I really feel for you. Raising kids is tough. My mom had both ends of the spectrum with my sister & me. My sister was like your stepson, while I tried not to make any waves. After all, my sister was making enough!
I've been dating a man with two young children, a 5-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. The 7-year-old is a master manipulator of her father, and it KILLS ME, haha. What it comes down to is consistency. My boyfriend feels guilty because his ex-wife has primary custody, so he softens a bit when it comes to his kids. His daughter sees this and plays on it to get what she wants. She also imitates her mother's way of getting what she wants: bad-mouthing, attention-getting, etc. It's pretty impressive for a 7-year-old. :laugh:
From what I've read, you and your fiancee are not on the same page. In your previous posts, you've mentioned that he is a big softy and is kind of wishy-washy on following through with consequences/threats. That needs to stop. Your stepson knows his dad won't kick him out/make him pay for things/let him fail, so he continues doing what he's doing. Sit down with your fiancee and address this (nicely, of course) and see if you can come up with a plan to address your stepson's behavior. Let's face it, he's 17. His patterns of behavior are ingrained, but IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RELEARN. All of us on MFP are evidence of that.
Best of luck to you, hun! :flowerforyou:
at 7 huh? lol well they say us girls learn early lol glad my dad made sure I respected him and my mother.....well anyone older than me was considered an elder and therefore deserved respect.....split families are tough though....I was lucky growing up in that my home was solid....never realized how lucky til now though lol
you are correct- we are not on the same page at all lol i was tough on my kids cuz I wanted good solid grown men when I was done...that was my goal....my mom says I spoiled them though so maybe I wasnt as tough as I should have been but they good young men now so I dont think I did too bad lol ..........I think he is trying to make up for the divorce in ways even though the boys have both lived full time with him since but he would rather be their friend I think than disciplinarian which I get ...its tough but they also dont respect him which makes me mad.....he deserves better....we have talked about it and what his son is doing and how he is going to handle it but like I said he is wishy washy and wont stick to it lol other than kicking them both in the *kitten* I am not sure what more Ican do....I have tried helping son out with gettng jobs..school work......etc he just isnt interested ....but your right learning new behaviors is doable thank you!!! good luck with your angels as well 0 -
It's very simple. STOP HAVING THE KID'S BACK. If he isn't responding to it, quit helping him. How fast do you think he will straighten out if you stop buying things for him, stop cooking for him, and tell him he needs a job to pay for his own crap? If you keep letting him get away with not having a job, why the hell would he bother getting a job?
My parents never bought me anything once I was legally old enough to work. If I wanted something, I had to get a job and earn it. That went for everything, from a TV or video game to my first car. That went a long way to instilling me with a strong work ethic, as I was a teenager, and I wanted stuff. I worked, and I was able to buy stuff.
true- thank you0 -
I feel your pain. I have a 17 1/2 year old step son who is generally a very good kid but has zero motivation or work ethic. Kids these days are so freaking entitled. I say it's time to realize it's really not your concern. Let your fiance deal with it and try to ignore it. That's kind of what I do now. He's almost an adult. If he doesn't want his own money and a car, that's on him. It's his dad's responsibility to deal with his son. It's yours to support your fiance and take care of yourself. Best of luck!0
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I feel your pain. I have a 17 1/2 year old step son who is generally a very good kid but has zero motivation or work ethic. Kids these days are so freaking entitled. I say it's time to realize it's really not your concern. Let your fiance deal with it and try to ignore it. That's kind of what I do now. He's almost an adult. If he doesn't want his own money and a car, that's on him. It's his dad's responsibility to deal with his son. It's yours to support your fiance and take care of yourself. Best of luck!
Thank you! I have been telling me myself that for months lol for some reason its very hard for me to do but I think you all are right on this one....I am just going to have to find an outlet (exercise) and let daddy and son figure it out 0 -
I feel your pain. I have a 17 1/2 year old step son who is generally a very good kid but has zero motivation or work ethic. Kids these days are so freaking entitled. I say it's time to realize it's really not your concern. Let your fiance deal with it and try to ignore it. That's kind of what I do now. He's almost an adult. If he doesn't want his own money and a car, that's on him. It's his dad's responsibility to deal with his son. It's yours to support your fiance and take care of yourself. Best of luck!
Thank you! I have been telling me myself that for months lol for some reason its very hard for me to do but I think you all are right on this one....I am just going to have to find an outlet (exercise) and let daddy and son figure it out
Perfect! It will be hard at first, but you will be glad you did! And I'm sure they will figure it out! It's a tough age!0
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