Help! I think I'm a spinster!

thinking_thinly
thinking_thinly Posts: 143 Member
in Motivation and Support
To make a long story short, I am 23 and have never been kissed. I have suffered from anxiety/depression/ self esteem issues my entire life. Basically, I have never felt like dating. I've either had the blues... or never had the self esteem to date. My healthier lifestyle has helped my mental health as much as my physical health, but I am still toooooooo scared to start dating. Basically, I feel too old, too inexperienced, and lacking confidence to get into a relationship. Any advice fore me or comments from people in similar situations?

Replies

  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
    Yup. If you can afford a counselor you should seek one out who has experience with this specific issue. This is something that has plagued you for a long time from what you're saying, so it sounds like something that will be hard to overcome by yourself with just advice from people on the internet.

    And if you want to date, you should do everything in your power to make that possible for yourself. And if that means enlisting professional help, do it!

    Also you're nowhere near too old. I'm 40 and a socialphobe and even I know it isn't too late for me to get out there and date. And I plan to, quite soon. Eff em if they don't like me, I'll move on to the next until I find one that does!
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Yeah..what Mara said. Go seek a counselor/psychiatrist and figure out what is really behind all of this.
  • sherri33s
    sherri33s Posts: 104 Member
    I have anxiety at times.. I take a deep breath and say what is the worst that can happen. I try to live life to the fullest.
  • lmbs1966
    lmbs1966 Posts: 57 Member
    You are not a spinster, change your attitude and go out and have some fun! It's never too late to start. Good luck! (first time I ever did anything was when I was 28, and now he is my hubby for 19 years.)
  • tuckerrj
    tuckerrj Posts: 1,453 Member
    I don't want to sound condisending (sic?), but darlin' you're 23. You have so much of life ahead of you. Find a good counselor, find an intelligent pastor, someone and work out some of these issues. I felt exactly like you. I met a wonderful woman, found Christ, got a job and although my life isn't perfect. . . . I'm doing pretty well. At 54, I'm SOOOO glad I didn't give up at 23. It can work out. Don't give up. Please!
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    I think the minimum age requirement for spinsterhood is 30.

    Go out and have fun for a while. Don't think about relationships. You're too young for anything serious. Just dip your toes in the very big ocean of life. :)
  • grassette
    grassette Posts: 976 Member
    You sound perfectly normal to me. So many people are in your shoes. Don't let the magazines tell you different. We are not all popular with gazillions of BF's. Lower your expectations, and don't be in such a hurry. Focus on being a good person and developing your interests and passions and meeting people who share them. Things will fall into place.
  • dukeninja
    dukeninja Posts: 50 Member
    Take your time, there's no rush. Spend time with people you like, be happy in yourself, and its only a matter of time before guys will ome and ask for your number. You are a good looking woman, and no doubt you have a personality to match, so be picky about who gets the privilege of spending time with you. Don't be afraid to take the lead occasionally, and do it confidently-there's nothing more attractive to me that a woman who knows what or whom she wants. Then go with the flow, things will occur naturally, although be boundaried and do not let men get you in situations you haven't agreed to. But above all else, enjoy the whole experience!
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Being chemically-in-your-brain depressed is a bummer! Been there!
    However, keeping a positive focus and not believing negative self-talk is essential whether you are depressed or not.
    Develop the habit of thinking/saying positive things, and pushing away/not dwelling on negativity.
    This is really important.
  • thinking_thinly
    thinking_thinly Posts: 143 Member
    Oh, I have already sought out a therapist and have *most* of my mental health issues straightened out... I just lack MAJOR confidence! I am THE definition of a wallflower!
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
    I think the minimum age requirement for spinsterhood is 30.

    Go out and have fun for a while. Don't think about relationships. You're too young for anything serious. Just dip your toes in the very big ocean of life. :)

    Well that makes me a spinster! Think I'm going to trade my spinsterhood for cougarhood soon, though. ROWR!
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
    Oh, I have already sought out a therapist and have *most* of my mental health issues straightened out... I just lack MAJOR confidence! I am THE definition of a wallflower!

    Well, your counselor needs you to kick her butt in gear to help you with self confidence, because that is very important. Don't let it mess you up! Deal with it right now while you're young.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    I'd talk to your therapist about this then. Maybe they can help you plan a way for you to change your way of thinking because the only person that is keeping you down is yourself. Best of luck :)


    And spinster at 30? Eh..I am divorced so I guess I forgo the title :D
  • MorbidMander
    MorbidMander Posts: 349 Member
    Um, how can you see yourself as a spinster when you're not even out of your 20's? It' not unusual for people to not date, I didn't for the longest time. Everyone is different. I didn't get my first kiss until I was almost 19.
    I'm now 21 and I've only dated two guys in all that time. Both of which asked me out because I'd never ask a guy, because I never really cared for dating anyway since I was happy alone. My first dating experience was for an extremely short amount of time because I didn't like the whole dating thing to be quite honest. The guy I'm with now, we've been friends for 7 years, and he's my best friend. So, I got lucky and found the love of my life REALLY early.
    In my opinion, no, you aren't an odd-ball or weird for being 23 and not have been kissed. If this is effecting your life a great deal, then yeah, maybe seek a counselor to help you with the anxiety over dating. If not, there is nothing wrong with being ok with being alone..
  • HSingMomto7Kids
    HSingMomto7Kids Posts: 345 Member
    You are not too old. You are still young!!! Just keep taking care of you and all else will fall into place.
  • seaKind
    seaKind Posts: 136
    oh... if only... to be 23 with a fresh pure slate to write on. My was so stained and blotted by then, with regrets a mile long!

    What a beautiful blessing you have given yourself- and your someday-hubby-to-be! Cherish that (and enjoy some confidence in that gift too!)!
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    First, there's no need to time-pressure yourself.
    All those popular culture/societal "should"s -- chuck 'em. You've been doing a lot of work on your physical and mental health. Part of that is finding out what YOU want. Honor your wants and needs. Honor the time you need. It's time well spent.
    What makes you happy? What would make you happy? What does it take to get there?
    Can you get there on your own, or do you need help? If yes, what kind of help? If counseling, then go for it.
    Learn to trust yourself and your decisions, including socially.
    If you want to date (NOT "if you feel you should want to date because that's the done thing"), what type of person are you interested in? When I felt ready to settle down again (after happily living alone for 13 years, after a divorce), I made a list of qualities I wanted in a partner.
    How can you best connect with someone who has qualities you want in a dating partner? (I met my partner in a writing group.)
    It's never too late.
    Don't give up.
    March to the beat of your own drummer. There's some beautiful syncopation out there. :-)
  • krazyforyou
    krazyforyou Posts: 1,428 Member
    There is a bigger issue under the surface. Please check your insurance and seek counseling. Been there, done that.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Oh, I have already sought out a therapist and have *most* of my mental health issues straightened out... I just lack MAJOR confidence! I am THE definition of a wallflower!
    Just follow your natural interests and talents and develop them....That's what makes life interesting!
    It's actually good to feel this way sometimes.....I feel this way when I start something totally new and out of my comfort zone.
    Step out here and there and do something productive and building.
  • DamnImASexyBitch
    DamnImASexyBitch Posts: 740 Member
    23 is so young! It makes me sad that people assume there is something mentally wrong with you because you haven't been rode around the block.

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