This is my story...

I keep reading about so many of you out their struggling and it is breaking my heart. I know its not easy, all of us fall down sometimes. But I don't want anyone to quit. You have all come so very very far. Your doing this for your health, for your kids, for the man/woman you love. Not a one of you are quitters. You are all stronger than you know! You have the ability to be a conquer. If you ask God to help, stay faithful, and believe in yourself all things are possible. I am going to share my full story with you now.. i am not doing this for pity. I am not doing this for applauds. Every victory i have ever had is do to God. I just hope you will take what God wants you to take from my story, and I hope what you mainly will take is a new found determination.



I was born to a very poor family in Texas. I was child #7 of 9 and it was not a happy household. My parents were very abusive drunks. My dad drank himself out of job after job. He "lucked out" when I was 3 and inherited a farm. He drank it under by the time I was 4. The abuse seem to intensify during that time. I (thankfully) can't remember everything but I remember my mom slapping me quite often with an extension cord, and my dad shoving me down a lot and sometimes kicking me. Anyway, my two older sisters ran off during this time and we were homeless for a while. I remember sleeping on a river bank and praying to God that i would die because i was so scared. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I remember telling God if He wouldn't let me die then He was just a lie. I can look back at that moment now an it breaks my heart. But at the same time I now know it was part of God's plan... I am not sure how long we lived on that river but bad storms came and it flooded. We took off to Fort Worth and stayed with some of Dad's friends and in shelters. About the time i turned 5 my dad landed a job for a few weeks. He took what money he had and we moved into a slummy 2 bedroom apt. It was filthy, crawling with rats and roaches, but was owned by a guy that was alright I guess. When my dad drank himself out of his job, again, the landlord (Victor) gave my dad a job working on his dumps. He payed my dad barely enough to cover the rent and their booze, but dad was happy cause he could go to work drunk as long as he did crappy enough to pass. We got food stamps but my parents mainly sold those. I was always so hungry (I think my issues with food were born then). There was a few nights me and my younger brother and sister shared a can of beans and nothing else. Before I turned 6 all my older sisters where gone. 1 even became a *kitten* and addicted to drugs (she would be 30 before she got clean). The beatings continued and no one cared. We lived in a run down area and the school was dirt poor. My parents rarely bruised our faces but it wouldn't matter. NO ONE CARED. The beatings didn't stop till my dad was given a choice to quit drinking or die. I was 11 then. Things got a little better, but by then I hated my mom and dad. I had been verbally, physically, mentally, and even sexually abused (by my mom). I got good grades at school, and had become quite the conman but I didn't really have friends. This continued till i was 17. I met a girl, and ran off with her. The day i hit 18 we married... 3 years later we divorced. Then began a succession of girls... Till i got a married woman pregnant... The baby was mine and died but when she was a few months old. I never got to see her or touch her but a lot of me died with her... And i dove into the bottle. Relationships lasted weeks, and I sponged off friends. Then I found the perfect pigeon. Her name was Vanessa, she was 20 years older than me and just desperate for anyone to touch her, love her. I quit drinking (well i cut down to a few a night) and worked part time while i bled her dry. But one night while I was drinking a beer and watching porn (she was at her daughters house... her daughter was my age and we slept together several times behind her moms back). I did what guys do while watching porn and started flipping channels. I guess i started to doze and then it was like time froze and time went fast all at one time. I know I heard the voice of God. He told me "this is not what I have attended for my beloved child". I sank to my knees and begged God to forgive me and wept and wept. The next day i moved out, and went to stay with a friend. I got a better job and got an apartment. I backslid a lot (mainly one night stands) but I joined a church and sought the face of God. I ballooned from 180 to 320 during that time. Mainly it was depression and loneliness. I felt like I had no real family (though the church poeple were nice to me) and no real connections. But during that time i decided to join the army. I watched my cals, worked out 2-4 hours a day and was down to 165 in a year. I wont say all the ugly things i did in the army. I don't like talking about combat or what it entailed. All i will say is i did whatever my country asked me to do.... Enough of that.......... I got hurt in combat and a genetic inflammation disease (rhabdo) "woke up" and compounded the issues. Once i was healed the rhabdo got me released from the army. I got a job but was very depressed. But i stayed true to God and my love for Him. That led me to my wife and my beautiful children. I gained almost hundred pounds but with God's help i have lost 50 of it already.

I couldn't have survived any of this with out God. Even when i doubted Him, His existence, or just plain hated Him, He still loved me. He never turned His back on me. He will never turn His back on you.

I just wanted to share my story. Remember that no matter how close you are to giving up that God has you. Trust Him.

I love you all my dear friend.

Blessings,
Ed