14 Year Old Step-Daughter

megalin9 · January 2013

I have a 14-year-old step-daughter who is overweight. While she plays fast-pitch softball and school volleyball, she is very out of shape and has steadily put on weight over the last few years due to extremely poor eating habits. She wears a size 16 jeans, and my guess is that she is around 185 pounds at about 5'5" or so. Her poor eating habits are a result of her father (he has had full custody of her since she was a baby) who also has extremely poor eating habits. I don't buy junk food, but I can't control what my husband buys. I can only control what I and my 2 little ones consume. We also eat separate most of the time. When I cook dinner, they refuse to eat what I've cooked, so they eat out. When we eat out together, I know how to make healthier decisions. I have had many conversations with my husband about what he and my step-daughter eat, but I've come to accept that, when it comes to him, his health is something only HE can want to change. I can't push that on him, so I've let it rest. However, with our kids, their health is OUR responsibility. Although we have a great relationship, I'm her step-mom; if her dad doesn't see a problem with something, then my hands are tied.

Recently, though, her dad has started to make comments to her about needing to go on a diet starting on New Year's so that she can be ready for softball this spring. While I don't agree with his methods (I would never tell her she needs to "go on a diet"), I'm glad he has realized that there is a problem. So last night, she started talking about all of these changes she's going to make: start eating breakfast, stop eating late-night snacks, start packing lunch, 1 roll instead of 4, smaller portions, 1 cup of sweet tea instead of 6, start running the hill in our back yard, etc. ***Let me add that she is an incredibly smart, funny, confident, selfless, helpful, and responsible young lady and a wonderful big sister to her two siblings (4 and 2). I don't see any poor self-esteem or negative body image issues with her. I only see a young girl being honest with herself about her weight and wanting to be the best athlete she can possibly be.

However, I want to keep it that way. I am so excited that she wants to make healthy changes to her diet and be more active, but I am being really honest and admitting that I have no idea how to be encouraging to her without contributing to any kind of negative self image issues. She is 14! The last thing that I want is for her to start weighing herself and counting calories and whatnot. I just want her to feel better, to feel stronger and faster and perform better in her sports, but to do that, she has to lose some weight. She is finally admitting this to herself and seems ready to do the work, but she needs the support of her parents. Her dad isn't going to be a great support because he's not going to make any changes to his own diet or activity level. I'm the only person in her life who knows anything at all about a healthy and sustainable way to lose weight, but I don't want to overload her with all of the information I've learned on MFP. I want to keep it basic, but I want it to be effective.

How can I help my 14-year-old step-daughter get in better shape without crushing her currently positive self-esteem?

Thanks!

Meg

LoraMora · January 2013

#1) Empower her to learn what her food choices mean by signing her up on myfitnesspal.

#2) If you need more help, bring her to weight watchers.

purpleipod · January 2013

I'd just educate her about food and portion control. You obviously can't force her to follow but I'm sure once she starts to see changes she would get excited. I wish I would have gotten my weight under control when I was a teen.. I would've saved myself the last 10 years of head/heartache.

keith0373 · January 2013

We used this site to introduce 2 of ours with similar issues to the whole idea of watching what they eat. We also include them in our walks when the weather is good and go for family hikes on weekends. We keep kid gloves on with the girls. With the boy, he gets it a little more straight forward, because he doesn't respond to anything else.

Mine are also older. Daughter is 16.5 and Son is 18.

dmurphy1975 · January 2013

The fact that she is aware that she needs to make changes is a great start. My step-son is also 14 and up until recently was not concerned with his weight. Since I started on MFP and have lost weight while still eating the foods that I love he has seen that it is possible and is beginning to watch his portions and has even joined me at the gym a few times. The key is that we never really pushed him to make these changes only showed him by example how to make changes. My advice is to be ready to answer her questions and offer support when she needs it. Who knows maybe your husband will even come around if he finds himself eating alone.

juliaamilee · January 2013

Include her in what you do. Not this is what I think or this is what I do. But would you do it with me type stuff. WIll you help me cook. Let's try somehting new approach. Tell her your going walking, invite her to go. Tell her that she is talking about some great ideas and you would like to do it to. Have fun!

peckish_pomegranate · January 2013

My parents got involved like this and I developed an eating disorder. So, be careful.

florymonde · January 2013

I don't think a dedicated weightloss program is a good idea for a 14 year old. There's too many negatives and restrictions.

Just focus on the positive changes in her behavior and do what you can to reinforce them in a positive way. No don'ts!
I would have to practice thinking of things to say, myself, like:

"That salad looks delicious"
"I saw you had a good run on the hill this morning, great job"

elgray26 · January 2013

I would lead by example.
Talk to her about what you are doing to get/stay healthy.
Don't make it a..."you should do this" kind of conversation.
Whatever exercise you do, maybe ask her to join you?
Make this change she's decided to make a positive thing.
If she already has a positive outlook and high self esteem, build on that.

Dani_wants_to_be_fit · January 2013

It's a little bit of a tough situation, I was her weight at that age and it definitely is a delicate time shall we say as we are going through changes etc. But like I said, this is a VERY delicate stage so you need to handle this with care as to not hurt her confidence and self esteem as well as avoiding any chances of an eating disorder (I know it's something you either have or not, but you don't need to see if it's a trigger or not)

All i can advice is definitely avoid the words diet, don't set weight loss goals and rewards etc. Just try and do more with her, find some fun activities and invite her along. Swimming, walking, tennis, badminton, cycling, running. Or even buy a fun dance DVD and get her to join in (make a joke and fun out of it) Try and cook some healthy treats, for example you can manage to make a pretty yummy hamburger which will have less fat, cals and a lot better than a fast food take out burger. Make sure there is a decent supply of fresh fruit around so when she is a little hungry she has something to turn to.

With her dad, sit him down and talk to him about the effects of childhood obesity and how she is almost there (No offence to your daughter, I was there and I know from experience I was just bordering obese) Use scare tactics if you must, do some research and say about the pressure on her joints, talk about diabetes etc. He needs the most work I guess =/

MommaKit79 · January 2013

Help her realize that it isnt about weight or image but that it is about Being Healthy!

I happened on this one day when I was home. It was on the Ricki Lake show...

www.allstride.com/

This is a site specifically designed to help overweight children and their families. Again, it focuses on being healthy, not about image or the number on the scale. They are still growing so, they could lose inches of fat but gain inches in height and you wouldnt know from the scale.

And yes, make it a fmaily thing, not something she does on her own. And, if you tell her she will become a little stronger and healthier (not thinner) to play ball better, she may be more interested as well. AND, her playing ball is GREAT for her!! :-)

lovemykids58 · January 2013

There is a site that branches off MFP that is for the younger people (17 and under) I would suggest that site to her. I know you said you dont want her to have to worry about counting calories and what not but she does need to learn what she is putting into her body. Its better she learns is now then later on when she could possibly be VERY over weight. Take it from someone who grew up over weight. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT I WAS DOING.

She may not say anything to you about her weight- but believe me, she gets mean comments from her peers and its hard being the "big" friend when all your friends are under 125lbs. I've been there

I think you are an awesome step mom for reaching out to help her. Good for you! She is lucky to have someone like you. Best of luck to you both!!

Leigh_b · January 2013

I think it's important to keep the focus on being healthy and not on being any particular weight. Help her to understand how to make healthy choices. Don't tell her she can't eat something. If you completely eliminate something she loves she will not learn how to eat in moderation. Teach her how to pack a healthy lunch. Help to to choose healthy snacks. And then encourage any and all activity. Look for kids running clubs and other things she can get involved in to stay active. There is a local marathon where I live that offers a 'kid's marathon' where kids run a total of 25 miles in the 8 or 10 weeks prior to the race (broken down into several 1/2 mile and 1 mile runs 2-3 times a week) and then on race day they run the remaining 1.2 miles of the marathon. They get a T-shirt and the same finisher's medal that the adult marathon runners get. It's a great program for teaching them how to commit and train for a goal and helps them to stay active. Maybe there is something like this where you live.

MrsPong · January 2013

We had poor eating habits growing up, mostly my dad.
We moved to a new city and they were building a brand new YMCA. My mom signed up the family before it was built....
My dad then moved out and mom no longer bought the stuff he liked (chips, cookies etc)
She was walking to get out of the house and when the ymca was built and opened she would take us all (we were under driving age...)
She knew we had to get thinner... I was not "fat" but overweight and my sister was really heavy. She paid for the gym and brought us there, also paid for the food in the house.....the rest was up to us.
When I got my driver liscense I went every day after school and lost the weight....my sister did not.

My mom never pushed either of us to lose weight, but as I recall she mentioned to my sister many times "not to eat that your overweight or go to the gym" and my sister did not/has not forgave her....

My best advive from my story: Be a role model. Cook extra of what you are eating so she has the choice to eat it...take her shopping with you so she can buy what she wants to eat and maybe include her in activites...but never push. She will get there...only if she wants too.

Jewcybabe · January 2013

Since MFP isn't really set up for kids under 18, consider taking a look at sparkteens.com. There is a wealth of age appropriate resources and she can set up an account and log her food and exercise there....

AlsDonkBoxSquat · January 2013

First, I think you should totally encourage her. Instead of discouraging her from snacking at night (if she's anything like me it's an unreasonable expectation) make sure there are cut fruits and veggies in the house. Make ranch or onion dip with greek yogurt and cut up a crap load of carrots . . . you feel like you're being naughty but really you're getting a bunch of protein while satisfying that crunchy/snacky desire. cut up apples and spray with lemon juice to keep looking fresh (keep them from browning). People tend to go for a whole cut apple before they will go for a whole apple that they have to gnaw at. Give her the C25K running plan.

However, more then anything else, the most important thing you can do is educate her. Get her onto your diary and show her the that tastey quality choices exist, and that her goals and co-exist with the things that she enjoys with advanced planning and portion control. So many times we think it's a simple matter of move more and eat less, but it's a greater balance then that . . . move to meet your fitness goals and potential, eat to fuel your body, and do both in such a manner that you are enjoying life and don't feel deprived. It's also important to note that she is still a teenager and therefore will have a greater caloric intake necessity than say me at 35. She should not be limited to 1200 calories. If you have her start keeping a diary have her start with a paper diary that she keeps and is honest about for 2 week, put it into an online diary (I would never suggest on here as this is for the 18 and over crowd) back dating to analyize her eating habits, and then make changes a little at a time.

luckyroot · January 2013

If you have the space, make a shelf in the pantry or cabinet with healthy snacks. Give her a list of healthy food choices. Make a couple "sample meal plans" (I know that when I was her age, I needed ideas of what was good and what was not good). If she's never had any experience in this area, she truly might not know that eating popcorn is okay but eating buttered popcorn is not. Things like that.
With your knowledge of healthy eating, she will surely be a success with your help! Good for both of you!!

KenosFeoh · January 2013

If it were me, I'd lead by example, provide healthy meals, and invite her to do activities with me.
Never-ever critique what she's eating.

My son's ex-wife has terrible eating habits, and she has a son from a prior relationship who was severely overweight by the time he was 5. When he was about 17, he decided to turn his life around, lose the weight, and get into shape. And he did! Never underestimate the power of a teen committed to change.

ypena78 · January 2013

I know what you mean. I too am a step mom . and our 16 yr old is in the same boat. she is tipping the scale of 225lbs. I started eating better & exercising to be a role model, maybe if she saw me do it, she would follow, then I started losing weight, then she got motivated for a bit, then she said, maybe if you had a gym membership I would go with you. So I did, but she stopped. So I had a talk with her biological mother, because we too have custody of her & her older sister. & I told her mom that this is not okay, I've had doctors talk to her. & it hurts me cause when we go shopping, she can't find anything then she gets depressed. but I too don't know what else to tell her either. Just Praise your step daughter a lot so she can feel motivated. Be her role model. and I am glad she wants to make this change and I'm wishing her luck that she sticks with it. I know in the beginning it is hard & she will want to quit but a lot of praise can go a long way

good luck on both of your Journeys

maryannelk · January 2013

Include her in what you do. Not this is what I think or this is what I do. But would you do it with me type stuff. WIll you help me cook. Let's try somehting new approach. Tell her your going walking, invite her to go. Tell her that she is talking about some great ideas and you would like to do it to. Have fun!

This is great advice! It will build your relationship and her healthy living skills! Kids need to learn is that there is no "failure". So if you have the 6 slices of pizza, it's not the end of the world and you don't punish yourself the next day. It is what it is and you move on. If you can model acceptance of yourself, it sends a really powerful message.

sobriquet84 · January 2013

constantly trying to "educate" her on healthy foods, portion control, calorie counts, ect very likely will cause her to resent you. be gentle with those things, and don't feel like you need to educate her every day.

instead, you need to, first, have a serious talk with your husband. don't be afraid to hurt his feelings, this is your child you're talking about. don't accept anything but his agreement to support your efforts and to be on board with you. he needs to understand that he is sabotaging his daughter's health and happiness. that said, next, start to encourage her to help you in the kitchen with healthy snacks, foods, meals, without necessarily saying they're "healthy". have FUN with bright, colorful, fresh food. ENJOY smells together. ask her to chop/dice, stir. when you have lasagna or cake, oohh and ahh over it. make those things a treat, make it known they're treats, not staples.

i for one believe food should be celebrated. its all just a matter of shifting what kinds of food you celebrate. she'll learn the numbers and science and all that as she gets older. for now, just focus on helping her gain an appreciation for healthy foods, take the stigma out of them for her, and help her gain a new appreciation for chips/sodas/junk foods/desserts/fattening foods as treats (that should be enjoyed as such).

wibutterflymagic · January 2013

Include her in what you do. Not this is what I think or this is what I do. But would you do it with me type stuff. WIll you help me cook. Let's try somehting new approach. Tell her your going walking, invite her to go. Tell her that she is talking about some great ideas and you would like to do it to. Have fun!

I like this approach. I agree with another poster that said a structured weight loss program is probably not a good idea. Just lead by example. You want her to be healthy not to be on a "diet". Don't talk in that sense. Don't talk about restrictions on foods, talk about portion control. Include her in finding new healthier recipes that you can make together. Talk to her dad and make him realize that what he does is going to affect her. Kids follow their parents and he needs to be onboard too. Even if he doesn't make major changes he's part of the family and he needs to eating with the family and helping instead of harming. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you want to accomplish. Good luck.

erinsueburns · January 2013

I really don't understand the negativity to food tracking/logging for teens. I'll definitely agree that a strict and aggressive weightloss regimen would be inappropriate. However, she is definitely of an age to understand the math of it, and the only way for her to know what things actually count for it, is to see that, to be able to eat something, and log it and see how she feels, then compare it to something else eaten and logged. That Hostess cupcake two pack doesn't seem nearly so tempting once you have eaten it, are hungry 30 minutes later, and then see that that is 320 calories compared to say 2 cups full of strawberries for 90 calories which are just as delicious and long term much more highly satisfying. And if she has had a poor diet all her life, she probably has no idea of what the actual values of the things that she is eating are, that the muffin she is eating may be really two or three servings, that the value sized meal she is eating may be more than an entire days calories. She doesn't likely know what real portion sizing are. And the best way to do that simply is to measure and track it. Doesn't even need to be weight loss. Start at maintenance levels so she can see where she should be. And letting her do her own logging, spreadsheets, whatever (doesn't have to be here) puts the control in her hands without making her feel like you are scrutinizing everything she eats.

It doesn't need to be an idea of calorie cutting. It more can be an idea of "If then" as in "if I eat_____ then I feel_____." Or "if this is what is appropriate for them then___fits into this way."

LoraMora · January 2013

I agree with erinsburns above. They have to know what their food choices mean, and logging on MFP gives them the information to control themselves and takes the parent out of "controlling" their diet.

Parental control over what a teenage girl eats is a recipe for disaster.

My 14 y/o girl is struggling, too, so I'm now enrolling her in WW (at her request).

MFP worked to help educate her, and was very helpful, but she started refusing to log in (b/c she knew she blew her calories) and has continued to gain weight.

I cannot get in the middle of controlling her food choices for the reasons many of the comments above have referred to.

vjohn04 · January 2013

#1) Empower her to learn what her food choices mean by signing her up on myfitnesspal.

#2) If you need more help, bring her to weight watchers.

no. no. no.

I would HIGHLY advise AGAINST these recommendations.

She's a kid. Help her make healthy food choices. Don't have her count calories. Give her good, wholesome food. Encourage outside activity and fun exercise.

erinsueburns · January 2013

#1) Empower her to learn what her food choices mean by signing her up on myfitnesspal.

#2) If you need more help, bring her to weight watchers.

no. no. no.

I would HIGHLY advise AGAINST these recommendations.

She's a kid. Help her make healthy food choices. Don't have her count calories. Give her good, wholesome food. Encourage outside activity and fun exercise.

I'll agree, I am not a fan of weight watchers for children, and I don't know that HERE is the best place for a teen. But at 14 she is way past the point of a parent giving her the correct foods and expecting that to solve the problem. She needs to internalize the logic of it all, see concretely what foods are and are not. Personally, I started with www.nutritiondata.com it let me plug in entire days and looks at everything all at once. But spreadsheets would work too.

now_or_never13 · January 2013

Start with portion control. Show her what a portion of veggies look like, a portion of meat, etc. Emphasize that more veggies should be eaten at a meal for example than pasta or rice. Teach her to cook if she's interested.

Workout with her! If you are going for a walk, invite her along. If she has a Wii play the active games together (wii active, dancing games, etc). Go on bike rides, rollerblading, run the hills with her, etc.

If she isn't doing it alone it may be better for her and she will hopefully be more willing to stick to. Have her set a goal for herself. Nothing huge. Make sure she knows you are there to talk to and help her when needed. Encourage her! As another poster pointed out, tell her "great job" if she went for a walk, or run.

Explain to her how restaurants prepare their foods (fried, butter sauces, oils, etc) and explain how package food is prepared (sodium, sugars, preservatives, etc).

Show her healthy options when you go out to eat.

Tell her there are ways to make restaurant foods at home that are much healthier than when eating out and taste just as good.

Dad needs to be in it too... he can't go out and bring home take out. He needs to be on board and he needs to help her as well. If she is serious about it than he can't always be bringing home take out, inviting the family out to eat, bringing home chips, cookies etc.

lily653 · January 2013

I agree with encouraging her. It sounds like she has made the decision to make the changes and the changes all sounds positive healthy ways to lose weight. I also agree with encouraging her not to focus on the number on the scale but on the positive changes she's making to improve her health. What the previous poster said about including her in what you do, I think that's fantastic. Being able to cook healthy meals is a great tool for weight loss and working together to find new, healthy, declious recipes would only improve the situation. And since it sounds like she's bought in to the idea of making healthier choices she may be more apt to eat the meals you cook and then maybe dad will too!

lily653 · January 2013

Dad needs to be in it too... he can't go out and bring home take out. He needs to be on board and he needs to help her as well. If she is serious about it than he can't always be bringing home take out, inviting the family out to eat, bringing home chips, cookies etc.

Also this ^^^ dad has no right to make any comments about his daughter's weight when he's contributing to the problem.

janeite1990 · January 2013

You are a great mom, step-mom, and wife. What a nice approach to the whole issue! I agree that you can't change your husband. How great that you really get that!

megalin9 · January 2013

Huge thanks to everyone for your advice!

She has actually done 2 races with me and loved them! She surprised me with how well she did. Being an athlete, activity isn't the hard part; it is definitely the food. I think trying to teach her portion control and better choices is the best way to go, and I'm going to have to have a serious talk with her dad...again. Making sure I have plenty of fruits and veggies on hand for snacks is a great idea, as well. We bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred last night. I work-out every day at the gym on the campus where I work, so I'm not sure I'll have the energy needed to do this with her, but I'm definitely going to try and definitely going to encourage her. She's excited about it!

I want her to have a good relationship with food, to have a basic understanding of nutrition, portions, and calories in vs. calories out in hopes that she will never have to use a site like this to lose weight. I am adamantly against the calorie counting. Her focus should be on her school work, sports, friends, church, and staying active while having fun - not logging her food.

14 Year Old Step-Daughter

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