Being honest...

Sara_Pulsifer
Sara_Pulsifer Posts: 40
in Motivation and Support
I thought that maybe if I write it all down it might hit home for me more so here it goes....

I have multiple eating disorder and body image problems. Started out with Anorexia about 2 years ago when I started college. I took a nutrition class and I took it way too far. I took it to an extreme and instead of being healthy I ended up hurting myself. I am 5'8" and at the time got down to about 105 lbs. I lost all my muscle because I cut out all protein and carbs and sweets. I got my MFP page and would cry if I ate over 800 cals a day. My parents threatened to send me away to get help if I didnt eat more...

I was at work one day and this rail thin girl came in and I found myself thinking wow she looks horrible, sick, and needs help... And my co-worker, being funny goes, "oh look, its your sister, rail thin just like you..." I didnt see myself looking like her. I couldnt look like that. I felt great and healthy. But to others I looked just like the girl... And it woke me up. I decided to eat more and not care as much anymore. It was soooo hard but I did it. I ate more and I gained about 30 lbs in a month and a half...

There is when the Binge eating started. I would eat soooo much food that i would feel sick. College being around food all day was a nightmare. Constant eating and not healthy, mostly cake, cookies, and sweets. All the weight I gained made me loose all sence of worth and confidence I had left. I let people take advantage of me, and use me. And on came the depression...

I fight will all three of them still every day. I didnt write this so people would feel bad for me. I wrote it for myself. I didnt want to hide it anymore. But I want the old me back. The happy girl that ate what she wanted and didnt care, who was happy and had no stress or drama. But htye hae sooo much control over me that it has been a hard battle. BUt im fighting it. Yeah I may still not eat as much as I should every day, and yeah I binge sometimes, and yep I cry almost every day. But everday Im getting inforemed and finding new possible ways to help with it all.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post :)

Replies

  • MandyinVB
    MandyinVB Posts: 21 Member
    Thank you for sharing your story...stay strong and take one day at a time :)
  • Sara_Pulsifer
    Sara_Pulsifer Posts: 40
    Im trying! Thank you!
  • ChristyRunStarr
    ChristyRunStarr Posts: 1,600 Member
    They say the first step is admiting it and I know what you mean-it's tough to "air eveything out in the open" so I applaud you for it :happy: You'll get through it one day at a time
  • iorahkwano
    iorahkwano Posts: 709 Member
    Better to binge rather than starve, at least!

    Have you tried joining support groups, group therapy meetings or talking to a professional who can help? I understand these things are more psychological and they might be able to give you good tools, motivation or helpful tips for this.

    Good luck :)
  • kmr4988
    kmr4988 Posts: 1 Member
    It's funny, I just closed this book right before I read your message... It's called "Fit From Within" by Victoria Moran, and it's lovely. It's all about healing yourself from issues with food. It's about being kind to yourself, recognizing your worth and honoring yourself with health and life... Your story sounds similar to hers, I wonder if this book might help you. :) Just a thought...

    Peace to you on your journey, you've taken an amazing step, just getting it all out there! I hope today is a great one.
  • Quasita
    Quasita Posts: 1,530 Member
    I only saw two eating disorder references. I am wondering if you really suffered from binge eating disorder, or if you felt that sick because of how low your intake was before? Have you been in nutritional counseling and psychological recovery?

    The reasons I ask is because I'm in recovery, and I was sick for a long time when trying to refeed because I was doing it too quickly. If you starved yourself long enough, you could be stuck in starvation and getting sick via refeeding syndrome, which is dangerous and can make it feel horrible when you are recovering. Professional help is a great tool to learn what is best for you and where you should set your goals, because when you start to waver or question, you have an "authority" to defer to instead of your own skewed view on food.

    Add me if you like. I've written several blogs about this topic, and support many people that struggle with ED. I've been in recovery for almost 10 years now... Meaning in treatment. I still trip up but I find helping others to be helpful for me too! :)
  • Sara_Pulsifer
    Sara_Pulsifer Posts: 40
    Ill have to look into that book...

    I have thought about therepy and doctors, but I feel like they will just put me on a "happy" pill and I dont wanna be happy because of meds. I wanna be happ and healthy because I truely am. If that makes sence?
  • gailmelanie
    gailmelanie Posts: 210 Member
    I can identify with the denial. My fear is of starving and wasting food. It is a struggle and I think the worst part is that the struggle will really never end. We will need to remain conscious every minute of every day of what we are doing regarding food, whether it's eating too much or too little. In the end we need to keep in mind that in feeding ourselves, we must first give our bodies what they need to live in the quanties necessary for health and life, then give our senses what they need to feel satisfied and fulfilled. The last part should only minimally come from food. We will have to seek and find other ways to measure our worth and reward ourselves than with food, eating or starving. We also need to accept others input, especially positive input, so that we can learn that we are loveable as we are and can change our behavior for our benefit as well as for others, if that seems necessary or beneficial. In other words, we need to learn to accept, care for and even love ourselves.
    You're on the right track and have taken the first step to a healthier future. Keep going.
  • Findekano
    Findekano Posts: 116
    I thought that maybe if I write it all down it might hit home for me more so here it goes....

    I have multiple eating disorder and body image problems. Started out with Anorexia about 2 years ago when I started college. I took a nutrition class and I took it way too far. I took it to an extreme and instead of being healthy I ended up hurting myself. I am 5'8" and at the time got down to about 105 lbs. I lost all my muscle because I cut out all protein and carbs and sweets. I got my MFP page and would cry if I ate over 800 cals a day. My parents threatened to send me away to get help if I didnt eat more...

    I was at work one day and this rail thin girl came in and I found myself thinking wow she looks horrible, sick, and needs help... And my co-worker, being funny goes, "oh look, its your sister, rail thin just like you..." I didnt see myself looking like her. I couldnt look like that. I felt great and healthy. But to others I looked just like the girl... And it woke me up. I decided to eat more and not care as much anymore. It was soooo hard but I did it. I ate more and I gained about 30 lbs in a month and a half...

    There is when the Binge eating started. I would eat soooo much food that i would feel sick. College being around food all day was a nightmare. Constant eating and not healthy, mostly cake, cookies, and sweets. All the weight I gained made me loose all sence of worth and confidence I had left. I let people take advantage of me, and use me. And on came the depression...

    I fight will all three of them still every day. I didnt write this so people would feel bad for me. I wrote it for myself. I didnt want to hide it anymore. But I want the old me back. The happy girl that ate what she wanted and didnt care, who was happy and had no stress or drama. But htye hae sooo much control over me that it has been a hard battle. BUt im fighting it. Yeah I may still not eat as much as I should every day, and yeah I binge sometimes, and yep I cry almost every day. But everday Im getting inforemed and finding new possible ways to help with it all.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this post :)

    I could have written this almost to the letter. I've struggled with anorexic-type EDNOS, BED, and bulimia. 2012 was a bad, bad year and I was very unhealthy until December, when I started to recover.

    I can't offer words of wisdom. I don't know for the life of me what made me better. It was sudden. I just couldn't do it anymore and it was remission or suicide. I chose remission. Are all of those thoughts gone? Of course not. But it's like, that nagging ED voice in my head just suddenly became, instead of something that dictates my every action, just a small, irrational part of my brain that I just laugh at 9 times out of 10. I think it may be that way for a lot of people - they have that lightbulb moment, and it's over. For others, it's a harder road. I truly wish you the best.

    I had an account before with a lot of friends with ED's and no real intention of recovery, and it was just too much. It was keeping me sick. That's important. Evaluate the company you keep. If they are keeping you sick, they have to go, no hard feelings, nothing personal. Add me if you need support from someone who has been there, but won't trigger.

    Best of luck.
  • alpine1994
    alpine1994 Posts: 1,915 Member
    Thank you for sharing. I went through a very similar situation, also in college. I ended up seeing a counselor at school who asked (along with seeing him) that I went to group therapy once a week. I was also on Zoloft for about a year to help battle the depression. I came out of everything a stronger, healthier woman. I know how hard it is, and while it may seem like this is your life, it is most likely temporary and you just need some help to pull yourself out of it. There is absolutely no shame in that, because you only get one life! Might as well make it the best it can be, right?

    I'm here for you if you want to send me a FR/message. And like another poster said, one day at a time. :)
  • gailmelanie
    gailmelanie Posts: 210 Member
    Ill have to look into that book...

    I have thought about therepy and doctors, but I feel like they will just put me on a "happy" pill and I dont wanna be happy because of meds. I wanna be happ and healthy because I truely am. If that makes sence?
    Good therapists who deal with eating disorders may offer you medication, but you are in charge of what care you actually take, meaning you don't have to take any medication you don't want to. Besides, the medication itself isn't the therapy, it's an adjunct to help the therapy work better. There's really no such thing as a "happy" pill. Cognitive therapy could help a lot to change your perspective and train your mind into new, more positive, constructive (not destructive,) and functional thought patterns. In the end it is mind over body when it comes to happiness and we can change our minds the same way we change our bodies. Training helps.
  • Erica262
    Erica262 Posts: 226 Member
    If you're still in school, head over to the student health center. If you make it clear from the very first meeting that you have no desire to take happy pills and you just want talk therapy, I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem. I would definitely suggest talking to a professional though. Seeking advice in these forums is great, but there's always a chance you'll receive some bad advice that could make it worse. Definitely take advantage of the health care and other resources provided to you by the school while you can. Also look into Operation Beautiful and check out that book. It's helped many people on their road to recovery from eating disorders.
  • Rum_Runner
    Rum_Runner Posts: 617 Member
    If you are on MFP you need to surround yourself with POSITIVE / NON-TRIGGERING friends. I too have an ED (although in recovery) and when I first started I got with other ED friends to "help" each other - turned out to be the worst thing to do. While a few were good and I kept them - others just triggered me and made me relapse!

    You need to have multiple pep talks with yourself daily!! Also, I don't know if you're on anti-depressents, but Look into St. Johns Wort - I love it. Its an herb, so no Rx needed and its all natural. I can take 1 on regular days or 4 on days when I feel down, anxious, pissed, or triggered!!

    Its good to get it out there. Try writing a diary!! Good luck and best wishes on your recovery and happiness!!
  • SandiNature
    SandiNature Posts: 11
    You are obviously a young, beautiful and intelligent girl. You are doing the right thing by sharing your plight and asking for help. It sounds like you are not living at home. Can I suggest that you reach out to your family? Maybe they have the resources to help you put a support system in place (i.e., a counselor, support group, financial, home care - cooking, laundry). Maybe reduce the number of classes you are taking, I suspect you place a lot of stress on yourself - maybe even a bit of a perfectionist? Can you go to school closer to home. Believe me one year will not make that big of a difference. Make this your highest priority. These type of issues can have lifelong effects on your body and emotional health. So give it the attention it deserves, that YOU deserve.

    You took the first step. The next step is to reach out to those that care about you, and get a support system in place. You are not alone. I can gaurantee that there are many others on your campus that are doing the same thing. If you can, start a blog maybe to share your experience, it'll help those others that are in your shoes, and maybe be beneficial to you.

    In my thoughts. Warmest wishes.
  • angelacooper3
    angelacooper3 Posts: 32 Member
    Ill have to look into that book...

    I have thought about therepy and doctors, but I feel like they will just put me on a "happy" pill and I dont wanna be happy because of meds. I wanna be happ and healthy because I truely am. If that makes sence?

    Sometimes being happy on meds for 3 - 6 months can get people feeling and acting in a more positive manner before slowly weaning off. ED's are more complicated that throwing a few happy pills at them though. You wouldnt hesitate to see a GP if this wasa physical health problem so should owe yourself the same duty of care for other hwalth conditions. Go see the Dr hon x
  • Sara_Pulsifer
    Sara_Pulsifer Posts: 40
    Thank you guys sooooo much for all the support, I knew this was the right place to open up :) You guys are amazing <3
  • elleloch
    elleloch Posts: 739 Member
    Wishing you all the best on your journey to get healthy - you can do it!

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