On my way to recovery (Eating disorder topic)

I have never had a diagnosed eating disorder, but have been plagued with disordered eating patterns and ideas about food for as long as I can remember. I'm sorry that you have had these issues. Food is such an everyday thing - and you can never seem to get away from it. I've never purged, but I'm a sugar binger and emotional eater. I've tried every diet on the books and starved myself with the aid of diet pills for way too long. My metabolism was shot by 27. Nothing I can do to change the past, so I'm moving forward...slowly...day by day...sometimes minute by minute.

I find that reading is helping me. I check out every book that I think will be remotely helpful to my journey. I also remember every day that is just part of my journey - change will not come overnight. But, if I can make tiny steps towards a healthier way of life, then set backs will never take me back to ground zero. I will always be moving forward.

I work out regularly. I pack meals to work and snacks most everywhere else I go. I take supplements that I feel help my body. I try to live a healthy lifestyle all around - but fun. I'm not so focused on the "rules" anymore - I shun diets that tell me that I can't have something - but, I listen to my body. I retain water after eating a piece of bread? Ok, I don't eat that anymore. I test things and I find what is right for me.

Good luck on your journey. :-)

Man can I relate to you ladies. Through out my entire elementary-junior high I had been overweight. In 7th grade I was 5 '0 and weighed 167lbs. That doesn't seem that bad but when you are called M & M because you are short and wide it gets to you. My sister, who was also overweight had recently lost alot of weight and was getting such praise from friends and family. So the summer after 9th grade I wanted to change so I could go back to school starting my 10th grade year as a new person. I exercised healthy (riding my bike, doing tae bo and other exercise DVDs) and ate alot of tuna and tomato sandwiches. I went back to school and got great responses from my classmates. (Why I cared what people thought irritates me to this day and I can tell you exactly which kids made fun of me...which is also pathetic because I'm sure they don't remember a thing). I got such great responses that I started to restrict more and more. By the end of 10th grade I was full blown anorexic. I kept food logs and rememberings only having like 350 calories on some days. I joined all kinds of after school activities (track and field, stage crew, spanish club) just to stay busy and I was able to hide the fact that I wasn't eating from my family (even though i'm sure til this day how obvious it was). I remember weighing myself on the scale and seeing 102 lbs! I can't even imagine that today. I must have not had an ounce of muscle on me. So 11th grade comes and I could only starve myself for so long, i started binging and feeling disgusted so I purged alot, then i started abusing laxatives. My system was soo messed up. I kept a diary and I remember just writing in it how much I HATED myself. My senior year I stopped purging. I became very depressed because I had put on some weight (not alot...but I wasn't a stick anymore), I was just so tired of the cycle. I lost alot of friends because I was always afraid to go out where they might have food and it was like I couldn't eat infront of people or my stomach was always so bloated from binging and not purging. So my senior year was supposed to be my best and it was really rough. I went to college with the want to major in exercise science and learn how to properly and safely be healthy. Which I did. I felt college was the only way to beat my eating disorder, when you have a roommate and you are with people all the time as a freshman you can't really binge binge or have your stomach digustingly full. So I did gain the freshman 15 because I didn't eat the best, as I began my major classes I got healthier and healthier. I write english papers on eating disorders so I could do alot of research and I read alot of books about exercise and nutrition.

I know this is long...but long story short. It does take time. I have a healthy lifestyle now. It's all about creating habits. I do have days when I am emotional and I want to just eat...but I feel like my body works better now and I eventually reach the point when my body actually tells me it's not hungry anymore. I do count calories still and I do exercise almost everyday, but now it's because it's my life. I would feel wierd if I didn't take care of myself. I now am focused on health and eating to fuel and I feel super deprived if I limit myself to 1200 calories now. I love exercising and I do not over-do it anymore like I used to. I workout for about 1 hour. Sometimes just under, sometimes I break up a cardio workout and a yoga workout so it may be 1 and half hours throughout the day. I feel GREAT. I really messed up my stomach while I was purging, so I do suffer from being bloated alot and I feel that I lack alot of enzymes to break my food down. I do take a strong probiotic which seems to help. I have not taken a laxative and will NEVER again. That prob messed me up the most. It was absolutley horrible. I have learned to not care what people think as much, and to just be happy and confident with myself. I do eat wierd mixtures of foods and i'm ok with that. I don't care if my boyfriend thinks I am wierd because that mixture of food is what I learned satisfies me. I have also learned not to judge people through my whole process. Everyone has a story even if it's not obvious. The last few years after graduating I worked at a corporate fitness site for verizon doing personal fitness coaching, I did personal fitness coaching and orientations for another fitness center after my internship, and now I am a health and fitness specialist for the airforce. I feel my journey helps me relate to everyone, because the truth is...if you haven't lived through an eating disorder or been through it with someone you love, you really can't fully understand how messed up your mind can be.

If you need any help please message me. I really am glad you posted this. It's very brave because I don't feel like I could talk about my experience until I knew it was over. Then I knew I had beat it.

P.S. Since my eating disorder I flucuate my weight between 127-130lb and have held that weight for the last 4 years. I have competed in a powerlifting meet and won natiionally for my weight class! Now I realize how feeding your body and exercising properly can transform your body. Because muscle and strength is soo much sexier. Guys like girls who have curves...I got quads of steal now...and the lowest my weight got in the years after my eating disorder was 120, which I weighed in for my competition becuase I was a little dehydrated so I could make the 123 weight class. The day of competition I was back up to 125...:)

It is so hard to admit that you have an eating disorder. Yet it is so liberating to actually get it out . I also have one. I'm a binge eater. And it has really been a hard road and I'm probably far from recovery since I don't even know how to treat it, I read a lot about it and as much as I'm so willing, my stomach always finds a way to overpower my will to heal. If I wasn't exercising I'd be over 250lbs. I sometimes find that I need to overexercise to compensate for the 3500 calories I would have consumed in 1 day. At some point I wished I was anorexic or bulimic since @ least most of them have smaller bodies. But I'm huge. So u r not alone @ all