No Motivation and No Support

Options
FluffyMarshmallowKitten
FluffyMarshmallowKitten Posts: 32
in Motivation and Support
So, before I had my son, I had all the motivation in the world. I had lost 30 lbs and was on a roll with it. Once I got pregnant it all went to hell. I gained that 30 lbs back and have only lost 8 of them since I had my son (over a YEAR ago!). I can't seem to muster up the motivation I had before him. Granted, my living situation has changed and now we have my fiance's children living with us, too. So needless to say, I'm a bit stressed out trying to meal plan for everyone, work 8 to 6, keep a clean house, and try to keep my sanity. Exercising seems to be the last thing on my list.

Also, I'm having a hard time getting everyone to stay on the meal plans I make. I'm not perfect either (my lack of motivation has come with a lack of will power, too... oh, that donut looks good. So does that candy bar!) but when we're home, and I've taken the time to plan out our food, it'd be nice if everyone could at least stick to it there.

I woke up late and my boyfriend started breakfast. We had agreed on a healthy breakfast of turkey sausage (or bacon), omelets and a healthy smoothie. I come to omelets, brown sugar covered bacon, and croissants. *sigh* ...

Well wth?! I have suggested to him MANY, MANY times that I would like to separate our grocery shopping and meal plans and my son and I would just eat separately from him and the kids. He gets extremely upset at this and it always ends in an argument with us not talking for the rest of the day.

He wants to see me lose weight (not for him, but he knows it'd make me feel better), but he does absolutely NOTHING to help me lose it. He says he'll exercise with me, and doesn't. (I feel stupid exercising alone in front of his children because they're not the most polite children and I really don't want their rude little comments being thrown at me while I'm making an *kitten* out of myself with the exercise videos). He says he'll eat healthy, and then I come out to breakfasts like that.

It is just a losing battle and to have no motivation on top of that is just really discouraging.

Any advice or suggestions on any of the topics I covered would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wits end here. I don't want to give up, but I'm at that point where I just don't know if I care anymore.
«1

Replies

  • Stenobun
    Stenobun Posts: 166 Member
    Options
    Get up before everyone else to do your workout. That's what I do and it really starts my day out on the right note, feeling good about myself and less stressed. And don't try to tailor everyone's meals. If they don't eat what you make, they don't eat. If your boyfriend makes something fattening for breakfast, you don't have to eat it, even though it's difficult to have it staring you in the face. Consider it an opportunity to practice control over your choices because those fatty foods are always going to be out there anyway.
  • Wickedwitch22
    Wickedwitch22 Posts: 3
    Options
    I have the same sort of situation. No support from my Husband - won't even walk with me and doesn't help - he is the cook in the family now that I work full-time and he works another shift so it's his responsibility for meals and it's just not healthy. My 2 boys are extremely picky and I would like them to eat healthier so we are struggling there as well. Same with you with keeping a full time job, tending to the boys, housework etc.... the thought of exercising is last on the list and usually gets skipped. I need to lose about 40 lbs. and I have the will power just struggling with what are the right things to eat because I'm also extremely picky.

    :flowerforyou:

    I'm willing to give support if you need it.
  • FluffyMarshmallowKitten
    FluffyMarshmallowKitten Posts: 32
    Options
    Get up before everyone else to do your workout. That's what I do and it really starts my day out on the right note, feeling good about myself and less stressed. And don't try to tailor everyone's meals. If they don't eat what you make, they don't eat. If your boyfriend makes something fattening for breakfast, you don't have to eat it, even though it's difficult to have it staring you in the face. Consider it an opportunity to practice control over your choices because those fatty foods are always going to be out there anyway.

    I will try to wake up earlier. That's a good idea.

    I would love to not eat what he makes, but it turns into a fight. Maybe if I do it a few times, though, it will send a message to him.
  • ivette423vc
    ivette423vc Posts: 13 Member
    Options
    My husband says we should do things together: eat healthier, go walking or running. But then he just goes back to his old ways and it's rather difficult to eat salad with chicken while he is eating a lasagna and drinking soda. It affects me sometimes but at other times I just motivate myself. :wink:
  • TNAJackson
    TNAJackson Posts: 686 Member
    Options
    I'm sorry. That's so rough! My husband is the same way... wants to see me lose the weight because he knows it'll make me feel better, but does nothing to help me. Won't eat differently (although he's pretty thin already), won't exercise with me, but he doesn't cook at all, so I don't have any suggestions about the breakfast thing. In your situation from this morning, I probably would've eaten an omelet and said, "Thanks, but the rest of this stuff isn't in my daily calorie limit."

    I know you have that mini eliptical machine... pull that bad boy out and start up again, if you haven't already. And then utilize your breaks at work to take a 15 minute walk around, if you can. Add that extra calorie burn in there. If may only be cardio, but when you get home, if you could talk to your husband about POSSIBLY (I know how hard it can be with little ones and kids) getting 15 or 20 minutes to yourself in your bedroom to lift small weights or something... that way you get your cardio at work and your strength training at home. Something is always better than nothing, that's my motto.

    Are you the sole dinner maker in the family? If so, you could either plan and make your and your son's dinners ahead of time and just reheat them while you make the family's dinner fresh, or you could do the same for the family's meal and make yours fresh. It's so hard to do this when the others in the household aren't on board with you. I'm in the same boat. :frown:
  • stunningalmond
    stunningalmond Posts: 275 Member
    Options
    I would explain to your fiancee (at a non-meal time) that you want to eat healthy and if you choose to eat something different from him and the others, it's not because you're trying to be difficult, it's because it's important to you. He doesn't have to eat the same thing, but for him to get mad because you want to eat healthier seems selfish of him IMO.

    I second the getting up earlier too!!

    Good job losing 8 of the lbs!! It's a start!!!
  • MariaLivingFit
    MariaLivingFit Posts: 224 Member
    Options
    It took several years for my husband to come around and start eating better (we have two kids). I used to cook a regular meal for him and the kids and a healthier version of the same thing for me. For example, when making steamed veggies, I take out my portion before I butter the rest of it for the family. When I make fish, I bake mine and fry the ones for the family. I'll make rolls to go with the meal for the family, but I'll have a salad instead. Take baby steps with the other members in your family, but take charge of your own eating right away. If you are setting the example by making better choices, the rest of the family may follow eventually.

    These days, my husband is MUCH better and wants to eat better and workout - it just took him a long time and several diagnoses (osteopenia and barrett's esophagus) to get him to this point. Have patience, but concentrate on yourself for now. Good Luck!
  • ltweaver
    ltweaver Posts: 15
    Options
    Get up before everyone else to do your workout. That's what I do and it really starts my day out on the right note, feeling good about myself and less stressed. And don't try to tailor everyone's meals. If they don't eat what you make, they don't eat. If your boyfriend makes something fattening for breakfast, you don't have to eat it, even though it's difficult to have it staring you in the face. Consider it an opportunity to practice control over your choices because those fatty foods are always going to be out there anyway.

    This seems like pretty good advice. I am not in the same boat (my husband is working MFP with me), but I really hear and feel your pain. I'm really sorry that you don't feel supported at home. If it were me, I would just choose to eat something different -- and politely but firmly reject what is offered that doesn't fit what you need. One of the things that I learned from WW that stayed with me is that you DO have the right to reject food that isn't what you want or need. Try role playing with a friend (or on your own - in the mirror), to tame the response so that it doesn't inflame the situation (seriously, there've been times when I wanted to tell colleagues to... never mind).

    It's also possible that your boyfriend a "feeder" and/or that he equates giving you the food he loves with saying "I love you." Maybe you can sit down with him during a calm time and discuss it -- explain how it undermines your goals for yourself and the two of you, and that you know he doesn't mean to hurt you, but it does (at least that's what I'm reading between the lines - sorry if I'm wrong).

    And come here -- we'll do our best to keep your spirits and determination up!
    Add me as a friend if you like - I'm just starting this and I know it will take me a long time to lose what I need to.

    Hugs -
  • candctaber
    candctaber Posts: 274
    Options
    I'm right there with you! My husband does not do any of the cooking, but complains when I cook healthy foods; brings home my favorite candy bars; always wants to go out, ect... It is always something. We live very close to our church & he gets mad when I want to walk instead of drive & will NOT even think about walking with me. He is more over weight than me and refuses to do anything about it.

    I have to help myself even without their help! I have lost several pounds without his help & will get these last 20 pounds off!!!

    Good luck to you all!
  • ltweaver
    ltweaver Posts: 15
    Options
    My husband says we should do things together: eat healthier, go walking or running. But then he just goes back to his old ways and it's rather difficult to eat salad with chicken while he is eating a lasagna and drinking soda. It affects me sometimes but at other times I just motivate myself. :wink:

    Good for you! It might sound strange, but I'm glad my husband gained enough weight to be on this trip with me - it's hard to go it alone when those around you are eating whatever they want to, etc.
  • valldeperas5
    valldeperas5 Posts: 9 Member
    Options
    You can do this! Yes it is HARD, Yes it takes being focused on YOU and Yes you are worth it! Don't give up! I find that if you can go to a gym or find a exercise class away from home that tends to set you up for success or you can do what I do and put a tv/dvd player in your bedroom and exercise in there with the door locked. You have to remember that as the mom YOU set the tone. I often have given up that control and let everything get out of control....but when I set things up and I follow through with the plan....the rest of the family doesn't really have a choice but to follow. I agree that if you cook something and they don't want to eat it...they can find their own meal. That is what I do with my very picky daughter. She falls back on Nutella or PB sandwich. I also keep a electric griddle on the counter and I cook my own breakfast every morning and if anyone wants an egg I make it for them otherwise they can get it themselves. Until I decided that I was worth being happy with the way I look (and I am FAR from it) I was in the same boat you are. Please feel free to friend me and we can do this walk together.:happy:
  • MellyGibson
    MellyGibson Posts: 297 Member
    Options
    First of all - I'm sorry for your situation - I know how difficult it can be.

    Secondly - You're doing this for YOU, right? PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! For example: You wake up to an unhealthy breakfast, DON'T EAT IT! Go start your own breakfast (if you can). When he whines about it tell him that you both agreed to eat a healthy breakfast, so you're going to!

    You had a child - you KNOW you're strong. So prove it to yourself (and everyone else)!!!
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
    Options
    Do your own shopping and make your own meals, it's 2013, you don't need the permission of your boyfriend to do this.

    Your weight loss doesn't depend on help from other people. Sometimes you have to realize that you're up against the unhealthy eating habits of other people, and lose weight regardless. If you put them in charge of whether you succeed or fail, you'll fail. So separate yourself, and if you can't do that completely, then you'll have to deal with just eating less.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Options
    Imagine you've got a strong and sexy and powerful bosslady alter ego within. What would she do to get the job done?

    Whatever she had to.
  • mdonovan
    mdonovan Posts: 44
    Options
    Why would he get upset that you're eating differently? He couldn't think you're the first mother/wife to eat something different than the rest of her family in the interest of her health. And if it bothers him that much, oh well. Let him be upset. He'll get over it. Maybe he you guys can put together healthy meal plans for the whole family? Everything doesn't have to be protein shakes and ground flax seeds, just use portion control with meat and fresh veggies, frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, things like that. That's all I've done, with a bit of cardio (by bit I mean 30 minutes every night), and this site and I'm down 20lbs in two months! As for the kids, put them out of the room when you're working out. Kids, unfortuantely, can be jerks sometimes and like to say whatever pops in their head. If you let them know you're exercising and eating well, you're setting examples for them when they're older and they know that healthy living takes work. Maybe try getting a dance workout dvd and get the kids to do it with you? You can do it. This is one of those times when you have to put yourself first :)
  • FluffyMarshmallowKitten
    FluffyMarshmallowKitten Posts: 32
    Options
    All wonderful advice everyone. Thank you very much!
  • CandyDiehardBAMF
    CandyDiehardBAMF Posts: 41 Member
    Options
    I like what everyone else had to say in response, but wanted to add my own experience. My family loves to eat and they give you crap if you don't eat.. I am in a situation where I live on my own but eat at my mom's due to a lack of an oven, long story, so I have had to do portion control and modify things on my own, with their criticism, but once they saw how happy going down 3 jean sizes made me, it seemed like my "weird" eating was just accepted. Granted I am a picky eater, but they are also pleasers, so started to make a lot of my favorite foods. I am still struggling at times with myself but I have support from them, as much as they can support lol.

    So I was thinking if you just get up before everyone else to work out, and eat what you want or less of what is there, and results pour in... he may change also and be more supportive/understanding. Also, MFP is absolutely GREAT for if you don't have all the support around you at home, etc. Friends here are purdy awesome and I could not have gotten to where I am without that help.

    Good luck on your journey!
  • AWSnider53
    AWSnider53 Posts: 2 Member
    Options
    We (myself included) have all kinds of excuses for not eating right. Our reasons for not eating healthy will not change. All those distractions and temptations will still be around. The government cannot legislate a fix. Unless you get locked in a room or only have access to the food that someone else provides, the only person who can change the way you eat is you. Appetites can change over time. It typically takes weeks of discipline to change bad habits and to develop good ones.
    You have to be the instrument of change in your life. Do a lifestyle inventory:
    1. Who are the people I trust to love me and care about me, people who I love and can trust me?
    2. What kind of exercise program do I have? Is it food motivated or health motivated? Does it make me feel good about myself or juts taste good/bad?
    3. What kind of work do I do? Is it meaningful, fulfilling? If it is not, what kind of hobby(s) do I have that are fulfilling and meaningful?
    4. What kind of intellectual pursuits are fulfilling to me? Do I read books or depend on TV? Are they lame, entertaining, immoral, challenging, provocative, or otherwise?
    5. What do I do to feel good about my family life? Do I do what I know is right and most loving or do I just try to keep people happy and peaceful?
    6. What kind of spiritual life do I have? Do I participate in something -- church or otherwise -- that helps me strive to a higher cause?
    7. Do I rest well? What can I do to rest better in the time I have to rest.
    As you consider these questions, make a checklist of measurable goals. Rate your progress in real numbers. Be realistic and honest. Admission of failure to reach a goal says the goal was either too lofty or some work needs doing in that area. Get help -- accountability groups, persons, partners, friends.
  • reneeramirez4christ
    reneeramirez4christ Posts: 112 Member
    Options
    No one likes fighting with their spouse, but you're not just fighting for anything, you're fighting for your health and the health of your son. Above all else, the health of your children should come first. Stand up for what you want and what you deserve. Start doing your own grocery shopping, if he gets mad, let him. Explain to him, without you yourself arguing, but calmly explain that you are doing this for you and your son and you want to be in better health so you can take care of the family, something you won't be able to do if you get sick from being unhealthy. After a little while, hopefully he will understand. Remember, you are responsible for the health of your children. If they do not learn at an early age to eat healthy, then they will struggle the older they get and will have more health problems.

    Good luck to you!
  • MoonGypsyQ67
    MoonGypsyQ67 Posts: 121 Member
    Options
    Any advice or suggestions on any of the topics I covered would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wits end here. I don't want to give up, but I'm at that point where I just don't know if I care anymore.

    I am so sorry that you are having a rough time with this because having your family on board with you would be ideal, but it is not always the reality. I can see how this would drive you to your wits end and I don’t want you to reach that point where you don’t care anymore. The fact that you said you don’t want to give up and that you posted on this board looking for help shows that you have the determination to keep going and that is what you need to feed into!

    The idea about getting up early to do your workout is fantastic! Do it if you can and know that some days are going to be harder than others. I planned to get up yesterday morning before work to do a walking dvd, but hit the snooze instead. I even have a 1-mile workout which is about 15-20 minutes, but I rolled over instead. However, today I had a 4 mile Leslie Sansone dvd ready to go at 4:30am! Everyone else in the house was dead asleep and I was walking with Leslie!!!

    My hubby does all of our cooking and sometimes I have to pass on certain items or take a smaller portion of things. Keep raw veggies on hand as well and when dinner is served, make sure that you have plenty of veggies to help fill you up. You can still have dinner (or breakfast) with everyone, but maybe your plate is half veggies and the other half can be filled with much smaller portions of what is being served. Keep fruit and nuts on hand too to use as fillers during your meals. You could always have just one slice of that bacon and maybe a one egg omelet or even half an omelet with a small orange or apple. There are ways to modify and sneak your good choices into the meals. This way you are still eating with everyone and still enjoying some of the same things. Don’t forget to keep logging everything so you can get a feel for the ways you can modify those tempting meals.

    My point is that you CAN make this work! it just might take some creative modification on your end and that is where the people here on MFP come into play.

    Feel free to add me as a friend if you want. I am no health guru. I am just learning as I go along like most everyone else, but I am willing to follow you on your journey towards a healthy new you! I wish you all the best!!!!

Categories