I'm afraid for my sister...

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Shayyy01
Shayyy01 Posts: 290 Member
in Motivation and Support
i first want to start by saying i love my sister. I love everything about her.. but i am afraid for her. She is morbidly obese, and has been told by her doctor that she needs to make life changes or she could suffer some medical conditions that could other wise be avoided. Now here is the hard part.. she thinks everyone is wrong. She thinks she eats well and she cant exercise. I've tried in many ways to be subtle and offer my help. She doesn't want to hear it from my dad and i, to her we are the extreme. I can understand that, but i'm not telling her to she has to run 5 miles, or be in the gym for 3 hours. I just ask her to go on walks with me, or go to water zumba with my mom. She wants none of it. I believe ( and i am not doctor, but from my own experiences and journey) that she has un healthy relationship with food. I'm not sure how to get her to see it any other way. I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her feel worse, i just want to help and i'm unsure how to that. My husband said we should have an intervention, but i feel like that would just take it to a whole other level and i do not want to do that to her. The last thing i want is for her to feel embarrassed or upset with us to the point she wont talk to any of us again.. but if i have to do that to potentially save her life i will. I do not want to see my sister unable to get up, unable to the things we take for granted. I do not want her to get sick and have the feeling of "its to late".. any advice would be appreciated. I'm just scared for her, apart of me understands that she needs her "aha" moment. I'm just afraid it will come to late. =(
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Replies

  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    Some people, especially if not looking, don't get their 'AHA' moment. Instead they need more direct pushes, for example you can have a private conversation with her at home and tell her how you feel and what it would feel like if you lost her, whether it was to bad health taking over her life or ultimately an untimely death because of her habits. Assure her that all you care about is seeing her for years down the road being happy, healthy and full of life rather than on medications or worse.

    Cause if she is at the point where there is medical concern and the possiblity of illness due to her current habits she needs a eye opener, one that can show her what she is risking if she doesn't take a step in a better direction.
  • Athena125
    Athena125 Posts: 102 Member
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    People usually lose weight when they are ready. If she really wants something, meets someone new who believes in her or feels being overweight is getting in the way of something she really desires, then she will start to see it as a problem. I'm wondering if there isn't a larger issue here, like being depressed due to other issues or safety (some overweight people feel safer being overweight from past abuse, etc.). Until the real issue is addressed, losing weight will be difficult.
  • brittDbritt
    brittDbritt Posts: 19
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    you should have her watch those medical shows with people who have to be cut out of there homes and tell her that you love her and that you only want whats best for her.and that it would kill you to see her end up becoming like one of those people getting cut out of there house.and tell her that she wont be doing it alone and that you will join her in her healthy meals and exercise.and tell her that small changes make a big different.let her know that she dosnt have to do anything extrem just walking everyday and better foods are good enough to help at this point.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    Doctor tells you you need to lose weight or suffer the consequences. You:
    A. Attempt to fix the problem
    B. Ignore the problem until it gets worse or something happens that scares the jeezus out of you and makes you attempt Answer "A"

    Unfortunately there's not much you can do but be an example. Pushing her constantly isn't going to work, she has to want it herself. It can be scary to know you need to change, but hopefully the fear of what will happen if she doesn't will outweigh the discomfort of starting a new life and changing some old habits. Best of luck.
  • Goldie_13
    Goldie_13 Posts: 71
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    I think it's super sweet of you & I had my aha moment right around the time my Dad sat me down & was like you've gotta get this under control while you still can. I love my Dad with all my heart & know he was coming from a place of love. Tough love is what helped me with my parents but that doesn't work on everyone. IF the doctors visit didn't scare her then I don't know what will. I'm sorry you're going through this sweetie.
  • swordsmith
    swordsmith Posts: 599 Member
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    Sorry to hear that but there is not much you can do but keep trying. My family tried to get me to get healthy for 20+ years- my AHA moment was literally turning on a bathroom light, seeing myself in the mirror (I looked dead), and going- "oh hell no- I am changing my life now". And I never looked back.

    Almost 2 years ago I couldnt get off the couch without my wife literally pulling me up. Now its half marathons, mudders, krav maga and serious weight lifting. Add in taking control of food versus food controlling me But only because I WANTED to and still do.

    Your sister is in full blown denial- it may be better to get her into counseling first then get her to diet and exercise.
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
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    you should have her watch those medical shows with people who have to be cut out of there homes and tell her that you love her and that you only want whats best for her.and that it would kill you to see her end up becoming like one of those people getting cut out of there house.and tell her that she wont be doing it alone and that you will join her in her healthy meals and exercise.and tell her that small changes make a big different.let her know that she dosnt have to do anything extrem just walking everyday and better foods are good enough to help at this point.

    I would be insulted if someone had done this to me. She needs to have a heart to heart with someone who is near her size who is trying to get healthy. She won't feel as judged or embarrassed. Find someone in her life who has chosen to get healthy and is near her size to talk to her. I chose to get healthy on my own, but my husband (who is bigger than me) would gently tell me I was eating way too much.
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
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    It can be scary to know you need to change, but hopefully the fear of what will happen if she doesn't will outweigh the discomfort of starting a new life and changing some old habits.

    As her sister, your role is going to be so crucial once she does decide to make the change. Gently encourage her, let her know you're there for her, and just keep being her support system the way you have been. She will come around eventually.
  • chauncyrenayCHANGED
    chauncyrenayCHANGED Posts: 788 Member
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    Have you considered writing her a letter? You can express all of your concerns with her in a gentle & loving way. I think telling her what you told us (how you know you and you're dad are the extreme and how she can start off slowly) will go a long way.

    Maybe you can mention that you won't bring up the issue again and that you are willing to help in any way you can when she is ready.

    This way, you have done everything you can do, and are letting her come to her own decision without pushing her too hard.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!
  • BorgieMN
    BorgieMN Posts: 116 Member
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    When I was 456 pounds everyone could have told me how fat I was until they were blue in the face, and it wouldn't have mattered. I knew I was huge, I knew I had a problem, I was just stupid and did nothing about it.

    It finally got to the point, that I decided to do something about it.

    Trust me, she knows she has an issue. Until she decides its time, I really don't think there is anything you can do.
  • NeverGivesUp
    NeverGivesUp Posts: 960 Member
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    Maybe an intervention with her closest friends and family. You can't do anything really for someone who doesn't want to help themselves but maybe an intervention might help. She is killing herself with food.
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
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    i first want to start by saying i love my sister. I love everything about her.. but i am afraid for her. She is morbidly obese, and has been told by her doctor that she needs to make life changes or she could suffer some medical conditions that could other wise be avoided. Now here is the hard part.. she thinks everyone is wrong. She thinks she eats well and she cant exercise. I've tried in many ways to be subtle and offer my help. She doesn't want to hear it from my dad and i, to her we are the extreme. I can understand that, but i'm not telling her to she has to run 5 miles, or be in the gym for 3 hours. I just ask her to go on walks with me, or go to water zumba with my mom. She wants none of it. I believe ( and i am not doctor, but from my own experiences and journey) that she has un healthy relationship with food. I'm not sure how to get her to see it any other way. I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her feel worse, i just want to help and i'm unsure how to that. My husband said we should have an intervention, but i feel like that would just take it to a whole other level and i do not want to do that to her. The last thing i want is for her to feel embarrassed or upset with us to the point she wont talk to any of us again.. but if i have to do that to potentially save her life i will. I do not want to see my sister unable to get up, unable to the things we take for granted. I do not want her to get sick and have the feeling of "its to late".. any advice would be appreciated. I'm just scared for her, apart of me understands that she needs her "aha" moment. I'm just afraid it will come to late. =(

    Also, you're a great sister :flowerforyou:
  • skinnybitchbarbie27
    skinnybitchbarbie27 Posts: 306 Member
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    What I am about to say probably won't help you at all. I was always heavy as a child, to my teens, etc. My mom saw her "aha" moment when I was in 5th grade after my littlest brother was born. She got very healthy and that woman to this day amazes me. She always tried to push me along but the more she pushed, the more I thought I was a broken product. I didn't think she loved me anymore because I was heavy. In my teens it got worse. She had become really athletic and amazing looking *hell she still looks amazing* and she would have sit down talks with me about my morbid obesity (morbid is such a hurtful word because again, it points out the abnormality) and it would push me further and further away. My whole family was athletic and here was fat me, reading books and attached to music in my headphones 24/7. I would come home from school with articles about obesity cut from magazines laying in my bed with a little note that says "just thinking about you, mom". I look back on that now and realize she was trying her best to do anything she could for me to have an "aha" moment but at the time, I wasn't ready for change. I was so upset that she couldn't just love me for who I was. Maybe your sister is feeling this from you and your family.

    I didn't get my moment until I reached 330lbs. No doctor or scare tactic was going to give it to me. 8 months before I got serious I was almost put in the hospital due to my high blood pressure and was put on a double dose of medication for it. I was 21 years old. that wasn't right. Even though I knew that (and for many that would have been the push I needed) that wasn't it. The more your weight is pointed against you the more it sinks some of us into darkness. It just verified that I am hopeless and therefore deserved to die this way.

    I hate to say it, you can sit there and talk her ear off about it but it turns into nagging which just pushes people away. Love her for who she is and set an amazing example. You can lead a horse to water but unfortunatly you can't force it to drink.
  • Pinkgurl13
    Pinkgurl13 Posts: 47 Member
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    I dont know if this is why your sister acts this way....

    but for me whenever my family tries to tell me i need to work out or eat healthier i feel offended so i purposely push back by acting like there isnt a problem. But... i know there is. Try approaching it in more of a positive way, so that she doesn't feel so offended.
  • Emily3456
    Emily3456 Posts: 42 Member
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    I agree that she needs to have her 'aha' moment and ultimately that needs to come from her, but it might help both her and you if you wrote her a letter with some of the things that you posted here. I think if you have the time to sit down and write out what you want to say you will have the best chance of phrasing things in the least offensive way. Also, it will prevent her from getting defensive and derailing the conversation (and possibly turning it into an argument).
  • BroiledNotFried
    BroiledNotFried Posts: 446 Member
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    People with an emotional attachment to a vice don't respond to logical arguments against their vice. They will only respond to their own emotions, when they are ready to give up their vice.
    (At least that's what I've learned trying to get some of my family out of an abusive religous cult they are embroiled in.)
  • Shayyy01
    Shayyy01 Posts: 290 Member
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    Thank you guys for all your comments!

    I really like the letter idea, but i also understand that "nagging" isnt the best route.
    I'm that way..the more you force me into something that harder i will fight to get away.


    <3 thank you guys, i'm going to run this all by my family and pick a route together.
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
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    Constantly mentioning it is way worse than holding an intervention. Everytime you nag, she needs to shut you out and she may well do it with food. If you do decide to hold one, please get a professional to mediate the process. An intervention is not just saying " you are killing yourself." It is also committing to not enabling that person.
  • bekinator
    bekinator Posts: 103
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    What I am about to say probably won't help you at all. I was always heavy as a child, to my teens, etc. My mom saw her "aha" moment when I was in 5th grade after my littlest brother was born. She got very healthy and that woman to this day amazes me. She always tried to push me along but the more she pushed, the more I thought I was a broken product. I didn't think she loved me anymore because I was heavy. In my teens it got worse. She had become really athletic and amazing looking *hell she still looks amazing* and she would have sit down talks with me about my morbid obesity (morbid is such a hurtful word because again, it points out the abnormality) and it would push me further and further away. My whole family was athletic and here was fat me, reading books and attached to music in my headphones 24/7. I would come home from school with articles about obesity cut from magazines laying in my bed with a little note that says "just thinking about you, mom". I look back on that now and realize she was trying her best to do anything she could for me to have an "aha" moment but at the time, I wasn't ready for change. I was so upset that she couldn't just love me for who I was. Maybe your sister is feeling this from you and your family.

    I didn't get my moment until I reached 330lbs. No doctor or scare tactic was going to give it to me. 8 months before I got serious I was almost put in the hospital due to my high blood pressure and was put on a double dose of medication for it. I was 21 years old. that wasn't right. Even though I knew that (and for many that would have been the push I needed) that wasn't it. The more your weight is pointed against you the more it sinks some of us into darkness. It just verified that I am hopeless and therefore deserved to die this way.

    I hate to say it, you can sit there and talk her ear off about it but it turns into nagging which just pushes people away. Love her for who she is and set an amazing example. You can lead a horse to water but unfortunatly you can't force it to drink.

    this is great advice. i've been in your shoes almost exactly as i've seen both my sister & my husband make horrible personal choices to pack on pounds and feel worse and worse about themselves. i can't preach because i'm on my own journey, but i'm not emotionally scarred anymore (key word) from people pointing out that i could drop a few pounds. i know and accept that the fat i put on my body is temporary- i put it on & i can take it off. but they both get very defensive when the subject comes up. it breaks my heart because they are the two people i love more than anyone in this world. i know that clued in by their defensive angry feelings at the mere topic, that the cause is a much deeper issue that must be addressed. none of us on the outside will be able to affect them. they have to decide to love their bodies & take care of them, just like we all take care of our homes & our cars. you can't make someone take pride in something that they're neglecting & punishing for whatever reason.

    hardest thing in the world to those of us who see that from the outside. they have no idea how beautiful they are.... yet.

    i think we just have to keep appealing to that beautiful lovable person that they don't see, & pray their eyes would be opened sooner than later.
  • oshika789
    oshika789 Posts: 4 Member
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    Weight is obviously a very sensitive subject, and if your sister is morbidly obese my heart breaks for her. I myself want to lose the 30 pounds that I've gained since high school, and even that is embarrassing to me, and makes me feel bad about myself sometimes. If your sister is morbidly obese then I'd imagine she is easily 100+ pounds overweight. Think about if you had over 100 pounds to lose. It has to be overwhelming. Losing weight isn't easy, and the more you have to lose the harder it seems.

    I know you love your sister and are trying to help her, but let me put a little different perspective on it. From your photo you look to be a beautiful, young, slim woman who is (recently?) happily married. Have you always been slim? Has your sister always struggled with her weight? Being sisters, there's probably a kind of "competition" between you (real or imagined) and no matter how genuine your concern for her, or how gently you make suggestions, it may just prove (in her mind) how easy everything is for you, and how far she is from what she wants in life, which is discouraging to say the least.

    You can't make someone work out or eat right, and she already knows her weight isn't healthy. But in order for her to lose weight and get healthy she has to make the decision for herself, in her own time and on her own terms. I think the best thing you can do is STOP trying to help, and just be there for her as a friend. If my family was constantly offering me weight loss advice I'd feel like that's all they saw me as... extra weight that needs fixed... instead of ME, the creative, kind, funny person I am inside. Help her built some self-confidence and happiness and see what happens. Just my thoughts, hope it helps!

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