Suggestions needed

ninerbuff
ninerbuff Posts: 48,989 Member
in Chit-Chat
For those whose parents are still alive and in their 80's, how do you approach taking the car keys away? My mom has gotten into a couple of fender benders (she hit them) and now I'm really concerned that she's not able to drive safely anymore. So the problem? My mom is very independent and taking keys away from her would cause huge resentment toward whomever does it. I don't want it to be anyone from my family, so are there any suggestions on how to approach this without really involving them?

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Replies

  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    With my grandma, we started disconnecting things in the car so it wouldn't run. When we took it in to get fixed, it was always something very expensive and she didn't want to pay for the car. It isn't the most honest approach, but it worked.
  • bloodysore
    bloodysore Posts: 77 Member
    See if you can talk to her doctor about your concerns. My grandpa's was willing to tell a white lie and say he was not fit to drive when he technically still was (though he does have a major drinking problem).
    If you have siblings you might consider talking to them and seeing if you can get together for an 'intervention'.
    There's no easy way to do it, but it needs to be done, especially if she in endangering others.
  • bloodysore
    bloodysore Posts: 77 Member
    With my grandma, we started disconnecting things in the car so it wouldn't run. When we took it in to get fixed, it was always something very expensive and she didn't want to pay for the car. It isn't the most honest approach, but it worked.
    Haha, that's great!
  • mllst18
    mllst18 Posts: 188 Member
    I guess it depends on how lucid she is. My hubby's great grandmother was also driving erratically so her kids told her that her license expired or her tags expired....also check with where you live because you might be able to anonymously report her to the DMV or her doctor and have them take it away. Hope this helps! Sorry you're in that position!
  • Bess_74
    Bess_74 Posts: 68
    I agree with the speaking to her doctor suggestion. Call before her next appointment and set up a time that you can speak to the doctor and share your concerns. The doctor will not be able to provide you with specific information due to HIPPA laws, however he/she should willing to listen to you. You may also want to contact the DMV and report that she is an unsafe driver. With my grandma my mother went to the doctor with her and spoke to him when she was out of the room. The doctor was unaware that she was still driving and started the process to revoke her licence....my grandma never knew that my mom was involved.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    I agree with the speaking to her doctor suggestion. Call before her next appointment and set up a time that you can speak to the doctor and share your concerns. The doctor will not be able to provide you with specific information due to HIPPA laws, however he/she should willing to listen to you. You may also want to contact the DMV and report that she is an unsafe driver. With my grandma my mother went to the doctor with her and spoke to him when she was out of the room. The doctor was unaware that she was still driving and started the process to revoke her licence....my grandma never knew that my mom was involved.

    This. Doctor and contact DMV to see what you need to do to have it revoked through the system. Super sorry you have to go through this, it sounds like a really sad place to be with someone you love . . . how to do the right thing while hurting them the least.
  • tlspratley
    tlspratley Posts: 24 Member
    Contact her doctor or if she has gotten into any incidents for which the police were noted, blame it on the police.
  • jingoace
    jingoace Posts: 219 Member
    If you contact DMV & tell them you are a concerned family member, & that they should take away her license to drive for public safety. They will do it for you, & it only takes one phone call. The Elderly sometimes need their keys taken from them, before they hurt more people than just themselves while driving.

    If she is really independent, you may want to provide her a driving service either via on-call family members, or find a service she can call anytime she wants to go out... let her retain her independence, just not driving herself!
  • jgandy13
    jgandy13 Posts: 24
    We recently had to do this with my great grandfather. We had to explain he was endangering other peoples lives and that isn't okay. He now also lives with my grandparents. He is VERY independent; works out daily and goes out and whatnot. It was not an easy transition. Good Luck!
  • ttlmallen
    ttlmallen Posts: 19
    I don't envy you in the least. I am in a similar situation with my Dad and have been stressing for some time over what to do. It doesn't help that I am an only child and I live out of state. We have asked them to move closer to us, but they don't want to do that. My Mom doesn't drive and their really isn't anyone near by that could help them out, so it's quite the dilemma for me. I worry every day that he could ending up seriously injuring or killing someone. I wish you luck with this most difficult decision.

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