I can't wait to prove her wrong this time!
Lisa1971
Posts: 3,069 Member
Hi all. Does anyone out there have a "frenemy"? It's basically a person you thought was your friend but is very mean and nasty. Well, I have one that I will call Amy. Amy and I have known each other since high school. Since high school we have BOTH put on weight and she is constantly letting know how fat I am. Yes, I have a mirrow and yes, I know the size of my butt thank you. I would NEVER say anything to her about her big fat butt because well, it's rude and I wasn't raised that way. I am 5 foot 3 and 186lbs. Amy is about 5 foot and weighs about 145. She keeps telling me how fat I have become and how I will NEVER get down to her weight of 145.
Before I found this wonderful site I never tracked my calories. Never. I only estimated them and then when I did start tracking them it really opened my eyes just how much I was eating! I couldn't believe that I used to eat so much and then wonder why I wasn't losing weight. DUH!
I had a baby 5 months ago and Amy is constantly letting me know how fat I am and how it will be impossible for me to get any weight off. Gee, thanks. I can't avoid her because both of our daughters go to preschool together. The other day she called me and when I answered she said "Hey, what are you up to besides eating." How rude!
So now I am even more bound and determinded to lose weight slowly and steadily. I am so grateful for this wonderful site!
When I do lose the weight I will be tempted to "rub her face in it' but I won't because then it would make me just like her and I despise those kinds of people.
So just wondering if anyone else knows people that are like this or am I the only one?
Before I found this wonderful site I never tracked my calories. Never. I only estimated them and then when I did start tracking them it really opened my eyes just how much I was eating! I couldn't believe that I used to eat so much and then wonder why I wasn't losing weight. DUH!
I had a baby 5 months ago and Amy is constantly letting me know how fat I am and how it will be impossible for me to get any weight off. Gee, thanks. I can't avoid her because both of our daughters go to preschool together. The other day she called me and when I answered she said "Hey, what are you up to besides eating." How rude!
So now I am even more bound and determinded to lose weight slowly and steadily. I am so grateful for this wonderful site!
When I do lose the weight I will be tempted to "rub her face in it' but I won't because then it would make me just like her and I despise those kinds of people.
So just wondering if anyone else knows people that are like this or am I the only one?
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Replies
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If it isn't possible to cut her out of your life--though I would continue to look for that possibility if I were in your shoes--and you don't want to confront her directly, which is your choice, I would simply ignore her, and keep using MFP. One day you will weigh less than she does and eventually you will reach your goal, and I will bet long before either of those things happen, it will become very obvious to her that you have lost and are losing and that SHE is the one who is staying "fat." Regardless of what conclusion she reaches--either way YOU WIN!! Good luck and don't let rude mean-spirited twits get you down!!!0
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Can I just say What a *****? Who goes around telling their "friends" that they are fat? I'd ask her flat out - "Why do you say that to me? How would you like if someone always told you you were fat? Do you think that is helpful in any way in my life?" These are really honest and truthful questions - not at all attacking her back. She'll probably say that she's trying to motivate you to lose weight. Then you can tell her that it just motivates you to drop her as a friend.0
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Just read the post under my first one, and THAT is also pretty good advice---especially the last sentence!!!:laugh:0
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I have a friend who is a bit heavier than me. Whenever i am eating healthy and exetcising she always acts like I'm doing something drastic and unhealthy - like starving myself or something!!! 1400 calories a day isn't starving by any means! I think it's just that she is insecure and wants tolose weight too - without cutting down on her food.
Ad far as your "friend" goes - maybe she thinks you look better than her. Even though you weigh more she is shorter so I'd be willing to bet you two are very similar in size! Don't let anyone get you down! Lose the weight for you and be prout of every little accomplishment you make!!
Good luck!!!0 -
Dont let people discourage you or get you down, they are just jealous because they know you CAN and WILL do it....these types of people only make you want it more.
I had a similiar situation...not with a friend but with my boss at work. He would make comments about my weight and it hurt....and ontop of it all his wife is no "Slim pickings" I had been saying for over a year I was going to get started and get this weight off once and for all. And I finally did it, I have lost 77lbs total (I lost near 30 pounds before I started using MFP) and now he is as nice as can be to me and he has nothing much to say to me anymore and leaves me alone.
I used to be a pushover and people use to take advantage of me at work whenever they had the chance because I allowed it....because I was very overweight and hid myself and wanted people to like me so I did whatever they wanted....NOT ANYMORE. I have not only gotten healthy but have found my self confidence and my dignity in the process.
I cant even tell you how much nicer people are to "Thinner" people and the amount of respect shown as well. Its sad....0 -
It sounds like "Amy" doesn't like herself at all and the only way she can make herself feel better is by making someone else feel small (or in this case, not small--ha, ha that is a joke, no rudeness intended.). It is sad that she feels this way. But I am impressed with how you handle it. You have not sunk to her level or returned the snide comments. And I do know from my own experience how hard it is to not say the things you want to say when someone is hurting you with words in a "polite" context. Dealing with people like this is taxing to say the least. It really sounds like she does not want you to lose weight, after all, if you lose weight, what will she have to make her feel better about herself? I know it is hard to ignore these kinds of hurtful comments, but do your best to let them bounce off of you. You know you are worthwhile, and you know why you are where you are. And unlike Amy, you ARE doing something about it. THAT is something to be proud of. And you did not resort to putting other people down to make yourself feel better. Stand strong in what you are doing and why.
Here is something to think about. If you could know that Amy was going to say something to you about your weight, what would you want to reply? Think about it and consider different things you could say in response to the things that she is likely to say (or has said in the past). For instance, if she says, "You are never going to lose any of that weight since having your baby!", you could say, "Well, I certainly won't if that is my attitude!" Or you could use a more tactful approach and say,"I appreciate your concern for my weight, but I have decided to take it one day at a time. By the way, Amy, how are you working on your weight problem?" Of course, saying any of these things without sounding retaliatory is hard, because when someone insults us for no reason, we want to lash out. That you haven't done so shows your character, just as her hurtful words show hers. At any rate, I would recommend figuring out what you would like to say in response to her verbal assaults and then practice saying it (or at least writing it down a bunch of times), so that when the time comes and she inevitably does make another one of her snide remarks, you are ready and waiting with just the right words to take the wind out of her sails.
Good luck and we will be here all along the way as you DO prove her wrong!! You know you will--and likely so does she!!!0 -
that's no kind of friend. I can think of one way for you to lose 145lbs real quick....0
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I wouldn't call someone that is so rude and insensitive my "friend" . That is a very special honour for someone to be called that. There are always people that have to belittle someone else in order to make themselves feel better, but in your shoes I would just tell her, that as long as my friends and my family is ok with me, what business is it to her? I am very good at giving people the cold shoulder and the way I feel is, that if I am just measured on what I look like then hey, go find someone else to annoy.that's no kind of friend. I can think of one way for you to lose 145lbs real quick....
My friends like me no matter what size I am, they cheer me on when I try to get healthy and lose weight and they comfort me when I failed and I have a lot more to lose then you. Life is too short to bother with someone like that....0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:that's no kind of friend. I can think of one way for you to lose 145lbs real quick....
good one!!!0 -
I don't have a 'friend' like that but I come from a family that likes to comment on weight.:noway: I agree with letting her know those remarks are not o.k. Some people need obvious and definite boundaries and she is one of them:frown: . You don't need to be mean and hateful but a firm response seems necessary. Just keep up the hard work and do what you need to do to feel healthy and confident. You are worth it.:flowerforyou:0
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Wow... how awful for you. :noway: Even though your kids go to preschool together, I would seriously try to distance myself from her. You don't need that and don't deserve it. I agree with the other advice you've received about confronting her.
But most importantly, stick with this site!! Not only will you find supportive people, but you will have the tools to achieve a healthy lifestyle. This site makes it so easy! I wish I had found it years ago.
Best of luck, both in your journey toward health and distancing yourself from that "frenemy."0 -
Hi,
I have one of those friends troo. I've known her since the 7th grade. That's like 40 years okay?
And I know how you feel. You don't want to end it with her because of the length of time. But take it from me. It won't stop. I limit my time with (Lill).
And if you don't find a better reason to lose weight, you won't. Do it for yourself, and your kids. They need a good, healthy mommy. When I don't want to do it. I try to think of my two little grandboys I'm raising. Be blessed. kc0 -
The things people will say and do to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm glad you are a better person then she is. You can and WILL do this and you will be so proud!!!0
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Hey, just be glad that you're not like that!
Loose the weight for yourself, not just to show off to this person, she's not worth it, but YOU are!
And good for you for joining MFP and wanting to get fit and healthy, keep coming here, everyday, track your food and you will see the lbs begin to come off.
Good luck to you.0 -
I have never heard the term frenemy before. I'd dump her if she talks like that her child will also talk like that and you sure don't want your daughter to have a friend like that. In some cases like mother like daughter. I have never had a true friend that has ever said negative thing like that. As you I was raised properly also, please thank you and excuse me are always used and that goes for my kids also. Gook luck but I wouldn't answer the phone or associate with her unless it had something to do with school even then I'd avoid her.0
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I definitely know what your talking about. I haven't had it personally with fitness but in other situations. You definitely need to cut them out of your life. It's important to get rid of the negative. The negative will always bring you down. You need to make sure you are doing this for yourself instead of to compete with someone else! It will stress you out way more if you try to compete. You can definitely do anything you put your mind to, just get rid of the friend!!!!0
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Hi there... I agree with all the below comments... she is not a friend at all if she can say such hurtful and insensitive things to you...
I have lots of friends who are all shapes and sizes and not once has one of them told me that I'm fat!!! What an awful thing to say to someone... it would be different if she said it in a way that showed concern for your health but that's obviously not the case!
I agree with however said that she would be a quick way to lose 145 lbs!!! LOL
It's hard to distance yourself from someone you consider to be a friend, but, true friends accept you for the way you are and don't say hurtful things to you!!!
Good luck and stay true to your weight loss goals!!!
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MY I PROPOSE MY PERSONAL BELIEF ? (It has helped me let go when necessary)
Someone very close to me questioned why it is that some "once-great-friends" turn out not to be....
I think people serve a purpose, and when that purpose is fulfilled things shift.
They were there as support for whatever the period called for.
They were what we needed at that particular time and that time ended.
As we enter a new time, we seek new supports.
PERHAPS ITS THAT TIME...?
Esp now, at this important phase of my life, I want to thank all of you MFPers (P-ers, how funny)...
for being here for me. :smooched: mj0 -
As my mama always told me: Kill 'em with kindness :laugh: .........and just flash a big grin and walk away!! :bigsmile: It really makes them wonder what you are grinning about!!0
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That's my mother; she's a little shorter than me, a lot skinnier, and a LOT b*tchier. Ignore Amy and focus on you - and don't forget that once you get down below her, take the high road and tell her she's "aging well" instead of fat.0
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For what it's worth, I think you're a beautiful mommy! Remember beauty and strength come from the inside... it's just a matter of letting them work their way to the outside, too 0
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that's no kind of friend. I can think of one way for you to lose 145lbs real quick....
This is the best response !
Your "friend" will tell you that you are "too skinny" when you get to a healthy weight and ridicule you all the same.
You will find out real fast all of the people who are supporting you and who will be sabotaging you. I've flat out told people to not offer me desserts, etc and they'll continue to actively try to get you to "be bad". It is the misery loves company psychology. Some people don't really want you to succeed. It is quite sad and I hope that you find the internal will power to do it for yourself.0 -
YES!! I feel your pain!!!! I have a frenemy that outweighs me by almost 200lbs and the other day we were at rehearsal dinner for a wedding and she stood up from the table with her back to me and was like "oh I thought my dress was gonna come up, so I turned to you cause you know what it looks like under there when you're fat!" and she is my bfs best friends gf....UGH! Then we were all walking by stores the other day and I was like.."oh that top is cute" and she goes..."GIRL! you know nothing in that store will fit either one of us!!!"....okay...seriously??? She talks to me like we're close in size and my mom says it's because she wants to feel better about herself but omg. I know what it feels like to be overweight but dont drag me down and be a jerk just because you are not motivated enough to do something about it!!!!!!! I cried for so long about that. It hurts, no matter if the person is smaller, the same size, or bigger!! IT HURTS!!0
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I swear, some people can be so rude! I definately think that she says those things to make herself feel better about how she looks. One thing that's for sure about life....what comes around, goes around. I think you should NEVER judge or make fun of someone. It will ALWAYS come back to bite you in the booty! I have a sister who always had a 'problem' with overweight people. She was always a skinny kid and didn't have the best eating habits but never gained an ounce from it. I always have struggled with my weight since puberty! I lost about 70 pounds after I had my second child and her bad eating habits (and metabolism) have caught up with her and now weighs around 180-185. She's become what she has always hated, judged and made fun of. She now realizes (the hard way) that losing weight is not as easy as it seems. The best way to shut your 'friend' up is to make her eat her own words and prove her wrong. Good luck!!!0
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I have a sister in law just like that!! Now that I've dropped 10 lbs. and still loosing I can tell she's truly just jealous. Maybe your friend knows that your prettier than her or have a better personality and this is the only way to bring you down or make you feel insecure!! Keep going and I'm sure she'll find something else to talk about!! Some people you just don't need around or maybe keep her for the motivation. Everybody is good for something I guess good luck on your weight loss goals. 0
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I know you have known her for a while but dang it I would dump her and only deal with her when you had to. No one needs to deal with that kind of negativity in their lives.
You will find nothing but positive people and information here on this site and that is what we all need.
Of course, as others have said being able to rub her face in your weight loss without saying a word will be good motivation.
:laugh: :bigsmile:0 -
Let her keep saying these things then one day turn up to pick up your child looking hot! When you weight the same as her you will look much slimmer because you are taller. Next time she says something rude about how you look, tell her it is the angle she is at down there!0
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Wow. I wouldn't even call this person a "frienemy"! She just sounds like an enemy, flat out. She sounds like a toxic person that you should cut out of your life as much as possible. Even if you can't avoid her completely, you don't need to pretend to tolerate her. By pretending to tolerate her, you are, at some level, encouraging her abusive behavior. I'm not blaming you or anything, but at some level she must think that her behavior is okay to you. Ick!0
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Toxic friends, cut them loose, you deserve better. And do this for yourself. your are worth it.0
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