Shallow or personal preference....?
Replies
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I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
^ Exactly.0 -
I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?
This is exactly why you are shallow. You can't get past his physical appearance to even give him any chance.0 -
I've dated men of various sizes. I've found that if his personality is attractive to me, the extra 20 pounds (or even a little underweight in one case) have not been factors in physical attraction. I have a type I'm drawn to if I had to define it, but in the real world, that has not held true to the men I've bern involved with.I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?
But the personality out weighs the physical....that makes it different. I just know i don't want a man to force something with me....0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I have friends of all races and some will not date someone else simply because they are white, or, black....but they are friends, they know them well...they just wont DATE that person...is this also shallow?
Yes. It's racist and shallow.0 -
I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?
This is exactly why you are shallow. You can't get past his physical appearance to even give him any chance.
This was an example....not something that i have done or been through honestly. I was trying to say, shallow or not, why force an attraction with someone if it is not there. If a man does not want to date me despite KNOWING me because i am black, short, or because my boobs are not big enough, i want him to just leave.0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I have friends of all races and some will not date someone else simply because they are white, or, black....but they are friends, they know them well...they just wont DATE that person...is this also shallow?
Yes. It's racist and shallow.
How is that racist though? My black friend does not like black men...she dated a few and it just didn't do it for her. she doesn't curse black men or not befriend them, she just doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them.0 -
I don't find it shallow not to want to date someone if they are extremely over weight. At a certain point you aren't attracted to someone.0
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Racism isn't just black vs white. It can be white on white, black on black, ect.I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I have friends of all races and some will not date someone else simply because they are white, or, black....but they are friends, they know them well...they just wont DATE that person...is this also shallow?
Yes. It's racist and shallow.
How is that racist though? My black friend does not like black men...she dated a few and it just didn't do it for her. she doesn't curse black men or not befriend them, she just doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them.
You're not getting it. Anytime you say I don't want to date someone because of {insert any instance here} with 100% certainty you are being shallow. You are closing the door on a possibly fantastic relationship because you're close minded. You're 23, and hopefully someday you will grow up.
I don't find fault in someone TRYING or CONSIDERING and saying you know what I just don't have that attraction factor for you. I'm not saying someone HAS to reciprocate feelings just to be nice. I'm saying you should be open to ANYTHING and not have such narrow, superficial perimeters.0 -
Racism isn't just black vs white. It can be white on white, black on black, ect.I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I have friends of all races and some will not date someone else simply because they are white, or, black....but they are friends, they know them well...they just wont DATE that person...is this also shallow?
Yes. It's racist and shallow.
How is that racist though? My black friend does not like black men...she dated a few and it just didn't do it for her. she doesn't curse black men or not befriend them, she just doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them.
You're not getting it. Anytime you say I don't want to date someone because of {insert any instance here} with 100% certainty you are being shallow. You are closing the door on a possibly fantastic relationship because you're close minded. You're 23, and hopefully someday you will grow up.
I'm not saying someone HAS to reciprocate feelings just to be nice. I'm saying you should be open to ANYTHING and not have such narrow, superficial perimeters.
I understand what YOU mean now.....even though PERSONALLY, saying no to someone because of what ever reason with 100% certainly is being closed minded rather than shallow. Whether someone else thinks i am shallow or not, i will not force someone else on me just like i dnt want someone to force me on them....
"I don't find fault in someone TRYING or CONSIDERING and saying you know what I just don't have that attraction factor for you. " --- some say even this is being shallow....
it seems that whether someone is shallow or not is more of an opinion rather than a solid fact.0 -
I hate shallow people.0
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I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
If i say I will never date someone who is 500 lbs that makes me shallow?0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
If i say I will never date someone who is 500 lbs that makes me shallow?
I guess so..... =/ sorry love. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think shallow is really pertaining to not having a lot of depth, and caring only about appearance for a superficial reason. Would you not date a guy who weighs 250 pounds because you're embarrassed of how the world would view you for being with someone so large? Are you unable to befriend a 250 pound man because society might assume you're in a relationship and you can't handle your friendship being viewed as more by strangers? If you're simply not attracted to someone, I don't see it as shallow. I see it as personal preference, and you can't control that. That would be like saying gay people are shallow for simply being gay, or straight people are shallow for only being straight.
Personally, I feel like it shouldn't matter whether you're being shallow or it's just your personal preference, if you can't be attracted to someone larger, being told you're shallow won't change the situation. The fact that you care whether it's shallowness or preference makes it seem like you're not actually shallow.0 -
I think shallow is really pertaining to not having a lot of depth, and caring only about appearance for a superficial reason. Would you not date a guy who weighs 250 pounds because you're embarrassed of how the world would view you for being with someone so large? Are you unable to befriend a 250 pound man because society might assume you're in a relationship and you can't handle your friendship being viewed as more by strangers? If you're simply not attracted to someone, I don't see it as shallow. I see it as personal preference, and you can't control that. That would be like saying gay people are shallow for simply being gay, or straight people are shallow for only being straight.
Personally, I feel like it shouldn't matter whether you're being shallow or it's just your personal preference, if you can't be attracted to someone larger, being told you're shallow won't change the situation. The fact that you care whether it's shallowness or preference makes it seem like you're not actually shallow.
This i do in fact understand!!!!!!!!! Thank you. :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
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I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
If i say I will never date someone who is 500 lbs that makes me shallow?
I guess so..... =/ sorry love. :flowerforyou:
Doesn't that miss the shades of grey involved?0 -
okay, serious questions, does WHY someone would not do something determine if they are shallow or not. like "I would never date someone who is 500lbs BECAUSE his health is at risk and don't want to be with someone who has such a great potential to die because of his weight."I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
If i say I will never date someone who is 500 lbs that makes me shallow?
I guess so..... =/ sorry love. :flowerforyou:
Doesn't that miss the shades of grey involved?0 -
What is the difference? Is it being shallow if someone doesn't want to date someone because they are X amount of weight? If that is shallow, then wouldn't it be shallow also if a person does not date someone because they are of a different race.... (When it comes to race, people say it is a preference, but when it comes to weight people are called shallow....) What am i missing?
-- Honest question
Honestly, if someone is saying that they won't date someone based on race then I'd consider it low-level racism. Sorry.
It is shallow to rule people out based purely on weight, but then a lot of attraction is shallow. I all but ruled out my husband for three years before we got together because he was badly dressed and spotty.0 -
If i as a black woman say i will not date a white man, no one says anything.
There is a fine line between being shallow and having a preference. Attraction is a big part of relationships - I don't know if I could handle being in a relationship with someone I didn't want to have sex with, but I'm not solely attracted to people because of their looks. Someone could be drop dead gorgeous, but I'd never want to sleep with them because their personality makes them gross to me. Likewise, someone's attractiveness can be enhanced by their personality/intelligence. But I'm not going to categorise people before I meet them because of some potentially arbitrary factor, such as race or weight. If you're not going to date someone because you're not attracted to them, that's fine, but be very wary of not dating someone that you like (and would sleep with) simply because they're not typically attractive. Or judging someone's worth by their appearance; that's shallow.0 -
Preference. I agree that you have to be physically attracted to someone in order to date them...0
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If i as a black woman say i will not date a white man, no one says anything.
There is a fine line between being shallow and having a preference. Attraction is a big part of relationships - I don't know if I could handle being in a relationship with someone I didn't want to have sex with, but I'm not solely attracted to people because of their looks. Someone could be drop dead gorgeous, but I'd never want to sleep with them because their personality makes them gross to me. Likewise, someone's attractiveness can be enhanced by their personality/intelligence. But I'm not going to categorise people before I meet them because of some potentially arbitrary factor, such as race or weight. If you're not going to date someone because you're not attracted to them, that's fine, but be very wary of not dating someone that you like (and would sleep with) simply because they're not typically attractive. Or judging someone's worth by their appearance; that's shallow.
hmmm...ok ok. well said.0 -
I've never forced attraction. I just don't refuse to even talk to people.
I've dated men of various sizes. I've found that if his personality is attractive to me, the extra 20 pounds (or even a little underweight in one case) have not been factors in physical attraction. I have a type I'm drawn to if I had to define it, but in the real world, that has not held true to the men I've bern involved with.I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?
But the personality out weighs the physical....that makes it different. I just know i don't want a man to force something with me....
One guy in particular, at the time (high school) was super skinny, not my type physically. We were friends and hung out in groups for a while and I grew attracted to him over that time. We were young and it didn't turn long-term because of that. But we're still in touch and, honestly, if we were both single and lived closer, we would probably give it another shot now 19 years later. Personality for me, 99% of the time, has been far more attractive than any physical feature has ever been.0 -
It's perfectly ok to have a personal preference whether it's based on weight, height, race, income, education or whatever. Everyone has some sort of preference and when discussed it loud, the distinction between preference and overt discrimination is so thin as to be non existent.
People keep saying that when the OP matures she'll realize she should give other types a shot. While that may be true, what she'll really benefit from is a way to state her preferences in a way that is socially acceptable in mixed company.
Do whatever you want to do, just do it in a way that doesn't set off the PC alarm0 -
It's perfectly ok to have a personal preference whether it's based on weight, height, race, income, education or whatever. Everyone has some sort of preference and when discussed it loud, the distinction between preference and overt discrimination is so thin as to be non existent.
People keep saying that when the OP matures she'll realize she should give other types a shot. While that may be true, what she'll really benefit from is a way to state her preferences in a way that is socially acceptable in mixed company.
Do whatever you want to do, just do it in a way that doesn't set off the PC alarm
Precisely!!0 -
you're missing nothing, some people just can't handle the truth. Brutal honesty overrules!
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you're missing nothing, some people just can't handle the truth. Brutal honesty overrules!
Honestly is key, but brutal isn't nessecary. I don't think this is going to work out because you are not "my type" is just as effective and not as mean as "you're a fat *kitten* and you disgust me and I'm not attracted to you."0 -
I think its shallow when a man will try to get a bigger woman into bed because he thinks she's an easy lay but won't be seen in public with her...I think its a personal preference when he just isn't attracted.
I get it..I have preferences..I understand why a man with a six pack isn't into a woman who has 50lbs to drop and I accept that. Different lifestyles ect...but I have had men want me to be their dirty little secret and were apparently attracted to me...but wouldn't let the world know..that is shallow and pathetic. I don't let myself be used that way.0 -
I think its shallow when a man will try to get a bigger woman into bed because he thinks she's an easy lay but won't be seen in public with her...I think its a personal preference when he just isn't attracted.
I get it..I have preferences..I understand why a man with a six pack isn't into a woman who has 50lbs to drop and I accept that. Different lifestyles ect...but I have had men want me to be their dirty little secret and were apparently attracted to me...but wouldn't let the world know..that is shallow and pathetic. I don't let myself be used that way.
This is exactly what I was getting at 0 -
Its okay to have a preference, but you have to know why you have your preference... 99% of the time with race when someone says its a preference, its not a preference at all.
And with weight its usually a societal shunment that scares most... MOSTLY with MALES.... sad but true.0 -
You can't help who you are attracted to, BUT if you are attracted to someone but are more worried about what other people might say, then that would be shallow (and self destructive) as far as I am concerned.
The race one is a different thing and it really depends on the reason. If your friend dates a couple of black guys and then decides she won't date them again because "all black guys are XXXXX" then I would call that racism." - its pretty much the definition of racism.0 -
I've enjoyed reading these responses a lot! Very well explained, and I agree with most of the posts.
Personal preferences are just fine and dandy, everybody has them. I doubt anyone wants a relationship with anyone that they're not attracted to. It's all about how you approach your preferences, though. It's common sense that you're going to have to be attracted to the person if you want to pursue a relationship with them, otherwise you're just wasting your time and effort. There are conditions, in my opinion, though. Take my brother, for example. There was a time that he told my mom (in context of their conversation, not just randomly) "I would never date anyone who weighed as much as you". First off, my mom is overweight, but not anywhere near obese...She is "average" sized. Second, my brother (at the time) weighed nearly 350 pounds...Double standard, much? That, in my opinion, is shallow. He is using a number on a scale to dictate whether or not he would or wouldn't date somebody, which is ridiculous. To no surprise, he is 33 and single. I get that he has his preferences, but it seriously seems like he is using a pre-constructed check list when choosing potential girlfriends. If they don't meet his criteria, he won't even try. It's superficial....And superficial=shallow. The same goes for race, to an extent. I don't think it's shallow to prefer dating a certain race. I do, however, find it shallow to prefer dating/not dating a certain race based off of stereotypes, because stereotypes or more inaccurate than accurate.0
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