Bit of advice needed

Hello

I am a bit worried about a friend of mine. We are very close, so close we call one another brother and sister- this is because we are both adult "orphans" with no siblings, so we are one another's family in a way. He lost his mum a couple of years ago, me a couple of years before that and we have really come to support one another. He gave me away when I got married last year.

There is no sexual subtext to this- he is gay and I am married. We have known one another about 12 years, and been really close for the last 5 or 6.

Anyway. He is not long out of a long-term relationship which was physically abusive. He is now living with a close mutual friend- they are buying a house together (it's in a big city where it is difficult to be able to afford to buy on your own). This is a very sensible thing for him to do, I think in the long-term it will give him the security and stability he craves.

The difficult thing is, he is plunging pretty headlong into a relationship with a guy, who in some ways seems good (for a start, I don't think he is the type to get busy with his fists like the last one), but who has some big red flags. The biggest one being the meth.

My friend is stable and holding down a responsible job. His boyfriend does too.

My friend has in the last year or so, spoken to me a few times about feeling lost since his mum died, about looking for something spiritual or religious to fill the gap. But recently, he has been clamming up, being secretive. On a recent night out, he kept disappearing and it was pretty obvious what he was up to. I've known that he used drugs recreationally for a while, but I do view the meth as something a lot more serious than he's been involved with before. I also think his new boyfriend is involved at a pretty serious level.

My dilemma is simple. I just don't know what to do.

I have thought about being very direct and confronting him about this behaviour and what he is getting into. that might work, but I have seen someone (a friend of a friend) slide into heroin addiction before, and say how he alienated himself from the friends who cared enough to be upfront with their concerns.

When my friend and his new boyfriend split up for a bit and my friend was more open with me about what the guy was into I did make it clear that that was something, if I was in my friend's place, would be a deal breaker for me.

I have also thought about just being available for him when he needs me, being very unconditional and supportive and seeing what happens. My trouble with this is I am not sure I can do it, out of self-respect. I did go through the emotional wringer with him a lot over the abusive guy- it took him a good while to leave and I found it very emotionally draining to go through that with him. It's pretty much straight into the next high drama relationship and I don;t know if I can sustain the non-judgemental, non-interventionist attitude without worrying myself sick again (sleepless nights, nightmares etc). I'm not a particularly passive personality. I also have my own mountains to climb just now, both personally and professionally.

My husband thinks I should put up my emotional guards a little, try to avoid socialising with my friend in situations where the behaviour is to very obvious (i.e. on a Saturday night- meet him during the day or during the week instead), protect myself a bit and build up my strength so if there is a time he does reach out and does need me, I have the capacity to do it. I think this is very sensible advice, but following this even a little initially, I can tell that my friend knows that something is up. And I plain just don't know if I can detach myself like that- I do love my friend very much.

So, is there some option I'm not seeing, or do I just need to bite the bullet and take one of the options above. I would particularly welcome any advice about how to continue to care without driving myself insane in the process.

Thanks in advance.