Afraid of being thin: the other side of weight loss (wordy!)
LeonaJo
Posts: 11
Hi everyone,
I joined MFP last week as part of a new kind of weight loss journey. As many of us have, I've struggled with my weight since I was a little girl (this was in the 80s, far less frightening than the images and sentiments that our culture presents to girls women of ALL ages...). I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food, binge eating as a way to cope with my emotions. About two years ago I lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers. I was thinner than I'd ever been in my adult life, a size 6/8. (My highest weight was 232 and size 22). Modesty to the wind, I had become smokin' hot.
The problems began there. Suddenly I got a LOT of attention. From friends, co-workers, students, and especially men. While at first I was proud of my achievement, my self-image had not caught up; my identity as a "fat person" was challenged. I was confused and angry that suddenly, because I was thin, I was more "valuable." When men would look at me, I felt this exhilarating and terrifying combination of excitement and fear. Now I was "worth looking at", and the sad result was that I felt I had become an object. I was no longer a bubbly, funny, warm, intelligent person. I was hot. And that was about it (or so I felt). Because I was attractive, I couldn't possibly be deep and thoughtful or have anything to offer intellectually. (Again, these were all my perceptions at the time. I'm sure some were accurate, and some were created by my immense insecurity). In addition, my fear of gaining weight back was INTENSE. If I overate or felt a little bloated, sheer panic invaded. I was caught in a double bind: I didn't want to be overweight anymore, but the alternative was just as bad, if not worse. I didn't know who the h*ll I was.
I've since gained back about 20 pounds. A number of factors contributed to the gain: I quit smoking, my mother passed away and I began a new medication. But I know in my heart that one of the biggest factors was my own fear. Of being stared at. Of being treated like I was just an object. Of not knowing who I was anymore.
I don't know how common this experience is, but I would love to hear from women (or men!) who have been through anything like this. If you relate, please reach out. I think we could be of great support to each other! And if you know of other boards, groups or resources, please let me know. I do have professional help in dealing with these issues, and I hope if you're in a similar boat, that you seek help as well.
I am looking forward to working through these issues and developing a healthy relationship with my identity, self-worth, and, of course, with food. I wish you all much success on your own journeys. (I am new at this and have no idea how to "friend" people or do much besides track my food and read message boards...)
All the best, :-)
LJ
I joined MFP last week as part of a new kind of weight loss journey. As many of us have, I've struggled with my weight since I was a little girl (this was in the 80s, far less frightening than the images and sentiments that our culture presents to girls women of ALL ages...). I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food, binge eating as a way to cope with my emotions. About two years ago I lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers. I was thinner than I'd ever been in my adult life, a size 6/8. (My highest weight was 232 and size 22). Modesty to the wind, I had become smokin' hot.
The problems began there. Suddenly I got a LOT of attention. From friends, co-workers, students, and especially men. While at first I was proud of my achievement, my self-image had not caught up; my identity as a "fat person" was challenged. I was confused and angry that suddenly, because I was thin, I was more "valuable." When men would look at me, I felt this exhilarating and terrifying combination of excitement and fear. Now I was "worth looking at", and the sad result was that I felt I had become an object. I was no longer a bubbly, funny, warm, intelligent person. I was hot. And that was about it (or so I felt). Because I was attractive, I couldn't possibly be deep and thoughtful or have anything to offer intellectually. (Again, these were all my perceptions at the time. I'm sure some were accurate, and some were created by my immense insecurity). In addition, my fear of gaining weight back was INTENSE. If I overate or felt a little bloated, sheer panic invaded. I was caught in a double bind: I didn't want to be overweight anymore, but the alternative was just as bad, if not worse. I didn't know who the h*ll I was.
I've since gained back about 20 pounds. A number of factors contributed to the gain: I quit smoking, my mother passed away and I began a new medication. But I know in my heart that one of the biggest factors was my own fear. Of being stared at. Of being treated like I was just an object. Of not knowing who I was anymore.
I don't know how common this experience is, but I would love to hear from women (or men!) who have been through anything like this. If you relate, please reach out. I think we could be of great support to each other! And if you know of other boards, groups or resources, please let me know. I do have professional help in dealing with these issues, and I hope if you're in a similar boat, that you seek help as well.
I am looking forward to working through these issues and developing a healthy relationship with my identity, self-worth, and, of course, with food. I wish you all much success on your own journeys. (I am new at this and have no idea how to "friend" people or do much besides track my food and read message boards...)
All the best, :-)
LJ
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Replies
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I won't get into my story too much but yes, I have the same fears. I too lost weight a couple of years ago and started to get attention from everyone (esp men). It was great but ultimatly I became someone I was not proud of. I played into the cutsie girl act at work and in the end my marriage suffered and so did some of my friendships. I now know I don't need the attention to validate me but it was a tough lesson learned. Well, I have gained back all my weight now and am back on the journey to lose but yes, I am scared. I hope I have learned enough about myself that I will not go back to that person. Good luck to you!0
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I've felt a lot of the same things you have. It isn't fair and for a long time I had a lot of anger towards people (I still do). I especially understand the fear of sudden attention. But, what you've done has made you strong. You can and will find your way.
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Hi, you hit the nail on the head. I lost weight through GB in 2008. 9 months later, I am also smoking hot. Men were very aggressive in trying to get my attention. I was followed on the local freeway, something told me not to go home, but to go to a public place. When I got out of the car, here he is pulling up behind me asking for my phone number. This happened at different times throughout the year. Some neighbor gave my address to an inmate in prison and had him to write me love letters with out my consent. When I would go walking at our local lake, I would be stopped 5 times by men asking me for my number. I started going to church more to get strength in coping with all of this. Women at church some had become jealous of me or now wanted to be my new best friend. While the men at church married and single tried every way they could to get me alone. Long term friends were jealous and stopped hanging out with me, or they wanted me to go everywhere with them so I could help them get a man. When I finally met a good guy, as the relationship progressed, I found out he had a girlfriend and he was cheating on her with me. I tried again at love. An old flame came back to my life. I thought for sure this would work. Three months in, he became angry about how I dressed. His insecurity escalated into jealousy and shouting. We parted. I met someone new several months later, we set up a first date that he came late to.(I waited 30min). When he got to the theater, he thought I was late, he waited 10 minutes and exploded in anger. When I got home he called and threatened my life, if he saw me on the street.
During the course of all of this, I was injured at work and lost my job. Unbelievable. My vitamin deficiencies started to cause me extreme fatigue. I would develop extreme allergies to foods I had eaten prior to GB. The insomnia started and the anxiety of getting fat pleagued me. Just as you said, I was treated as valuable, only because I am thin. There were less attractive men that would become angry with me and irritated with me. Later, I would find out through others that they felt the pretty girl was ignoring them. They never felt ignored when I was fat. Hummm? Moments like that would play out with friends and close family. My life became only about what I look like.
I was sooo stressed with navigating all of this and started eating again. I gained 30 lbs. I looked at myself and decided to loose the weight. I called my father, (exercise aholic). I knew I could exercise with him again. When he saw me he ripped me a new one. I was a fat $%^^*&, you are not doing good until I tell you you are doing good. And on and on and on. Needless to say, I discontinued my relationship with my dad. He let me know how he thought of me when I was over weight, and when I was thin, he was proud of me and he wanted to be seen with me. I have no real relationship with either parents or friends or relatives, and no longer attend church. I became severely depressed and regained all my weight. You see, I survived two sexual assaults as a young person and the aggressive attention from men started to make me feel unsafe and scared. I could control how much attention I got by not leaving the house.(agoraphobia) When I had to leave the house, I would have panic attacks, and anxiety. Not long after, I was placed on disability. I am on medication and seeing a therapist. I still struggle with my identity.I will start working with a nutritionist next week. I am scared to death of being thin again. Some weeks I take it day by day, some days I take it hour by hour. I am changed, and constantly working on acceptance of myself. I will like to keep in touch.
GOD BLESS0 -
This is a very interesting discussion.0
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Wow, I am just moved to tears reading these stories. You ladies have expressed yourselves so well. :flowerforyou:
I can't relate to the fear of being thin, but I can relate to being treated like an object and a tool, and having to deal with jealousy.0 -
I totally understand where you are coming from.
To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.
It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.
That's how I feel anyway.0 -
Bump to share when I have a moment.0
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I totally understand where you are coming from.
To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.
It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.
That's how I feel anyway.
Very wise words. Easier said than done, unfortunately.0 -
I have also been overweight all my life. The lightest I had ever been during my adult life was 75kg. Then my body blocked all further weightloss and I gained 10 of the 20 lost kilos back over the course of 10yrs. All further weightloss attempts during that time stopped at 75 or higher...
I then started working with a type of therapist about 10yrs ago and did alot of work on my innerself, my self esteem, my self love, etc. I cleaned up...
Last January I started working with a new technique with my therapist and all of a sudden doors started opening...I discovered where my skin problems were coming from (had them on/off for 20yrs), I discovered 5:2 way of eating, I discovered mfp. Since April 29th I've lost almost 18kg with ease an dskin problems are gone! I'm at 68.5kg now. Haven't been there since early / mid teens?? Don't even know!
Why am I telling you this? Weight is often a form of protection, a way to keep your distance, even if we don't realize it. If you lose too much too fast and don't heal your soul at the same time, you may run into problems coping with the new you and how others see you. I've heard this often from people with stomach bands or bypasses. IMO a type of psychotherapy should be part of their journey. But it can happen to anyone.
My body seemed to have protected me from that by holding on to that weight. Since I feel better about myself, the weight is dropping and dropping and dropping.
I wish you all the best in finding your own way!0 -
When younger, I too suffered much of this. Once there was a health incentive, my heart attack, vanity was replaced by feelings of accomplishment for getting incredibly healthy. Fitness became the end, not body image, well mostly so.0
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I am glad I am not the only one who doesnt like the extra attention.I want to be thin for my health and to have less weight on my joints. I am 53 so I am pretty so sure I wont get smokin hot but I know my looks, confidence and self esteem will improve. I have at time wanted to wear baggy clothes when
my stomach starts to shrink to nothing so that no one will notice how much better I look so
with the cooler months coming, I can wear more clothes. It really does have a component
of feeling safe and also feeling confident. I am looking forward to losing for my health mostly.0 -
Yes. 100% yes, although I don't feel that I am treated just as an object. But I also have no idea who I am, I really struggle with identifying with myself as a normal-sized person, and I'm immensely uncomfortable with the extra attention-so much so that I don't give much thought to others' intentions. I am also terrified of regaining the weight, but also struggle because I know that morbidly obese me is what I recognize and identify as me. So I struggle all around. I guess the assumption is that you just lose weight and look in the mirror and say "hot d@mn I'm looking good!" But that's not at all been the case for me. The struggle to "find" myself as a size 6 me (vs the 22/24 I started at) has been the most difficult part of the process and it is the part that most definitely makes me fear maintenance. I've never lived a day in my life that I didn't need to lose weight. I honestly have no idea what it's like not to need to lose weight. How do you think and live? It sounds dumb, but it's really hard for me.0
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saving to read later. interesting topic.0
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This is definitely something I relate to.
When I was realllly heavy, back in high school, no one gave me a second look!
I went to prom by myself, TWICE.
:grumble:
Once I lost weight, some of the more popular boys that graduated with me started texting me inappropriate messages and hitting on me, asking me "where I'd been all their life". (Well, sir, I was actually there but you are an *kitten* and only look at someone when they have a skinny face)
:huh:
I had no idea what to do. Apparently, this was a normal thing for "hot girls" but for someone who lost weight and suddenly got all that attention...it was a shock. :noway: After I gained the weight back, it was like FINALLY people are treating me like an intelligent human being again (wanting to hang out with me and be my friend rather than hit on me) rather than someone they can bang...but again...the weight just isn't healthy.
So I am really wondering how I will balance the attention once I get down to that "hot girl" weight...chances are I will just be as shocked as I was the first time around.![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
Edit: I am hoping that since I'm older now that I won't experience quite as dramatic a difference. And there isn't as much weight to lose this time around either. (Already though, I've been asked out by 2 men in the past month and 0 the year before that when I was heavier. Just saying)0 -
I was VERY slim as a teenager and in my twenties... up until early thirties - plus I had long, blonde hair.
God I hated the male attention.... God I miss the male attention...
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I feel for you ladies. It's sad that you've had to go through what you've gone through.
On the other side, I wish I got half the attention you gals are getting.. I've lost 30 lbs and nobody's giving me a second look haha0 -
I won't lie, these thoughts have crossed my mind before. I wouldn't say it was a fear, so much as a concern. I don't want to be bothered, I'm much happier blending into the crowd. A friend of mine on MFP has gotten me into Zen. I'm no expert, I still struggle with the core concept of letting go of my fleeting thoughts... but it is helpful when it comes to anxieties or worries of any kind. It can be difficult to be a women... I wish you all the best of luck. 0
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Coincidentally, I've just read this: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/21-people-on-how-life-has-changed-since-they-went-from-ugly-to-hot-featuring-before-and-after-photos/0
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Hmmm, this is interesting. I can understand where you're coming from and I'm glad that you're aware of it this time round so can be more prepared.
For me though, I really really like getting male attention when I'm slim It makes me feel good about myself, which is maybe a little sad! What I hate (and yes, fear!) though is when I'm in the process of losing weight and people start to notice and make comments about my weight loss or figure. It's like your body suddenly becomes public property. It makes me so so uncomfortable and self-conscious. It just makes me think stupid things like 'you must have thought I was really fat before' and makes me want to scream 'stop looking at my body!' I'm actually dreading these comments starting... 0 -
Since I lost 2 stone last year I have had a lot more male attention. It really freaks me out. I put on weight in the first place so I would become invisible to the world, and I enjoyed the anonymity. I'm happily married but this attention causes big rifts in my relationship. I'm scared that if I continue to lose weight that my marriage will implode, but I'm on a fast track to diabetes so can't stay at this weight.0
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This came at the perfect time because I am sitting here fighting this battle right this moment. I went through rape and an abusive relationship and thought I would be fine when I lost the weight, but all it has done is making me overly fearful that something could happen again. I was just fine being that fat wall flower that everyone ignored that dressed all homely. It is crazy to me to be this afraid because, but it is subconsciously always there in the back of my mind. Like a love hate relationship.....I want to love being healthy, but I hate the attention that it brings.0
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... It's like your body suddenly becomes public property...
Yes! That's exactly my sentiment. I'm not a fan of attention (male or female), but it does feel exactly like my body is now public property open for discussion/critique/review. That's exactly it!0 -
I totally understand where you are coming from.
To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.
It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.
That's how I feel anyway.
Very wise words. Easier said than done, unfortunately.
I agree with the first quoted poster. Sometimes it takes sitting down with a professional (therapist, someone with your church, etc) when you've dealt with trauma like sexual assault, which I'm sure greatly plays into all of these feelings. It's common for people to say they feel safer when they're overweight because they tend to blend in with society. When they're thin and feel more attractive, they stand out and they don't always know how to deal with the attention.
Maybe have a session with a professional and see how and where your self esteem ties into all these issues. Hugs and best of luck.0 -
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Can't help you there. Both thin and fat I am not traditionally attractive. No matter how good my body looks my face ensures I will not be constantly hit on. Maybe you could look on your natural beauty as a good thing.0
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I definitely understand and just nearly 6 months ago, maybe a little longer, I was 238 pounds, now I am 171 pounds. The last time I was that size was in the early 2000's. I still do not get men approaching me though, (maybe they are scared) but I do get the stares and I have the "fat" girl mentality to an extent. The problem with me was that I was always thin from birth, and I began to gain weight in college and it just kept escalating after my son was born. So, I have been fat for nearly 10 years but I was skinny for slightly longer. So, I have the best of both worlds I guess.0
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I totally understand where you are coming from.
To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.
It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.
That's how I feel anyway.
Yes, I agree. It would be nice if value wasn't determined by beauty, but it is.0 -
I've felt this way as well. My personal method of coping is to work on keeping my body as strong as I can, take some self defense classes, etc. On one hand, it makes me angry - I shouldn't have to worry about defending myself or avoiding aggressive unwanted male attention just because I'm thinner, but I guess I do. But the more I feel prepared physically to handle the situation, the easier it is to be comfortable in my smaller body.0
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Since I'm 55 now I'm not so worried about men thinking I'm smoking hot or sexy even when I do get to my goal weight. It used to be in my teens and 20's, "Hello, my EYES are up here!"0
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