How do you like me now part 2, Relationship Venting

fyi... didn't proofread this just yet, so I'll be back later to do some editing....

Well, I did it again... it happened again. Another relationship another **** storm of heartache and irrational and illogical thinking... The best thing that comes out of a toxic relationship that creates so much havoc is to channel that energy to improve yourself mentally and physically.

I have the bad luck of letting the wrong people past my walls where they can do devastating damage to me mentally and physically, when I open up to someone by trusting them and giving them everything I have to offer I end up on the short end of the stick (and no puns about my height!). When someone takes advantage of your trust when you leave you guard down it's extremely damaging when your trust is violated. I've been through this before and with support of some awesome friends supporting me by consistently and patiently telling me it's going to be ok (over and over since I'm stubbon and irrational at the moment) I know I'm going to make it through it again and come out new and improved once again (see my previous blog). My friends are freaking brilliant and makes my little piece of paper from college seem like an "Appreciation of participation" award.
I've always ran from the pain and emotion because I fear things that I can't control, my profession has trained my mind that treats everything as if it was an equation that has some analytical solution that can fix it. Emotion does not... so don't try to go down that rabbit hole. So with the advice of some awesome people, I'm letting the emotion run it's course, instead of running from it. Running from it will only slow the healing process and prolong the pain. My M.O. is to hide from it by bottling it up up or sweeping it under a rug in hopes it'll pass. But that's not a solution, it'll resurface and cause fear later in life. Fear is not freedom, I know that and with the support of my friends, I'm finally letting myself experience this emotion instead of trying put on my fake I'm a man routine. Letting yourself experience your fears will let you overcome them by giving you the knowledge of what to expect and how to cope. My heartache/emotion will not kill me, even though truly feels like it my body is physically dying....the truth is that it's not; dammit. I'll become stronger and better for it by letting it run it's course, I'll learn that just it'll be something that needs to come in do it's damage and then pass.

So being a man doesn't mean you have to be emotionless... I'm learning that. I need to just let it do it's thing and Iet it hurt. just like the going to the gym, you go through the pain of working out, let it tear some muscles, then let it heal.... what's left is a stronger muscle. My emotional muscle will become stronger. It's how you decide to handle it...
So, now it's me versus my fears, I need to decide how to handle the feelings and not how to fix them and make them stop. I'm going to decide to let into my fears experience it and know it's not going to kill me. I'm going to hit the gym get some endorphins pumping again and lose that relationship weight. I'm deciding on making myself a better person mentally and physically on focusing my energy on the things I can control and not the things I can't. For the things I can't I'm deciding to let it do what it wants experience it and say "How do you like me now!?!" when it's all over.

Just wanted to share this as part of my therapy by not hiding from it. Also, to thank my friends/family who are there for me to pick me up during every stumble.

Know that it’s your decisions, and not your conditions, that determine your destiny. ~Anthony Robbins

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/RCKT82