I have to open up - the truth is........

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HalloweenMom
HalloweenMom Posts: 53
in Health and Weight Loss
I wrote this e-mail to one of my MFP buddies, was too embarrassed to let anyone else know, but I'm here on this journey with all of you so I'm pretty sure you will understand me. Hey! you may even be able to help me or give me those magical words that can make it all go away....... I hope. Here it is:



Keri,

I'm going to be 100% honest with you: I love food, I hate dieting and exercising. I wish I was one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and never get fat, but I'm not. Just breathing air makes me gain calories :( - I'm a fat girl, always been and sometimes I feel like I'll always be. I love losing weight, who doesn't? I love feeling skinny, but it's been only once in my life that I wasn't that big, I was at 157 lbs - and THAT is still big. I miss being at that weight. I wish I would've continued going straight, but I didn't. I thought I was still big so I didn't appreciate it and didn't take care of myself. Now - I got so big. I gained 40 lbs! I went up to 203 in 4 months! I just wish it wasn't so hard, but it is. I know I can do it, but trust me - sometimes I feel like I'll NEVER be skinny, like I really am just lying to myself by saying "I can do it!".

I'm not giving this 100% - on the weekends I act like nothing is going on and I eat whatever I feel like eating. I don't over do it either but I do eat whatever is close and quick. It's hard. I wish I had more strength than I really do. I guess I'm an emotional eater and when your life is full of stressful situations it's kind of hard to get through. Also, even when I'm not stressed my body just asks for food = because I'm bored or whatever other reason it is: not necessarily hunger.

I wish I could get there, I wish I could prove EVERYONE wrong. I wish that I had more strength, but it's so such a BIG dream for me that it seems almost impossible. I turn my cheek to the side and ignore the fact that I (deeply inside) feel like I'll always be a FAT girl and start telling myself that one day I'll be skinny. :(

I haven't really told most people this - I just feel it inside. I wonder why? It seems so unreachable. I wished it wasn't. It seems so unreachable now that I don't even take it THAT serious!

:(

Replies

  • tvgal
    tvgal Posts: 87
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    WOW that could've been a page out of my journal. I'll add you - if you ever need encouragement or anything :) you're not in this alone!!
  • nsking83
    nsking83 Posts: 145
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    You're definitely not alone in always seeing the "fat girl." My mom has lost over 70 pounds in the last 1.5 years and is in a comfortable 12-14 and to this day insists on usually wearing baggy shirts and pants.

    All I can say is, is: be proud of every victory, no matter how small. You drank one extra glass of water? WHOO! You passed up the McD drive through when today is your day you treat yourself to it (mine used to be Friday)? YES! You pushed yourself that extra 0.1 miles? You go, girl. :bigsmile:

    Seriously....all those little, tiny, almost invisible steps will start adding up.

    We're all here for you! :flowerforyou:

    Keep up your hard work
  • GRose
    GRose Posts: 69
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    Agreed. You're not in this alone & you're not the only one with these thoughts. At my "favorite" weight (I felt confident, comfortable & proud of myself - who I was, how I looked...) I weighed 180 pounds. The Navy wouldn't let me in because I was "too heavy" but I still liked who I was and the shape I was in.

    Please don't give up. We have encouragement from all of our fellow MFP-ers and a LOT of us are struggling with many of the same issues.

    tvgal - I LOVE your photo!

    Sarah
  • Laceylala
    Laceylala Posts: 3,094 Member
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    Definitely not alone on this one!

    Today I decided to scale back my goals and stop looking at the long term of wanting to be 50+ lbs thinner. I decided that until June my only goals were to track food, good or bad, and to hit the gym minimum of 3 days a week. Life has been crazy and I'm getting ready to travel for work in a little over a week. Keeping thinking of why and how I'm not losing weight fast enough isn't working for me.
    I heard on Biggest Loser last night..Jillian I think..that you are made happy by meeting small goals. That is so true. So this week I choose to be happy with the fact that I WILL get to the gym at least three times. I WILL be happy with the fact that I logged all my cals, regardless of what I ate. And if that goes well, maybe next week I will add that I need to keep myself under control at least one day on the weekends. And move on from there.

    Small goals met makes us happy...small goals met make us happy..and repeat..
  • bjberry
    bjberry Posts: 665 Member
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    Oh yeah! All of us have this urge to eat whatever we see.
    Right now, for some odd reason, I am better able to keep away from most of those temptations. When I can't, I measure a spoonful--1 teaspoon--of the deliscious item and savor it, eating very slowly. I feel good because I ate some of the "bad" food, but I merely minutely sampled it and did not have to grab the entire container and eat it all.
    Writing down all our foods eaten helps me control myself. Thank goodness! ;) Best of foods with your diet. Hugs, BJB
  • xarrium
    xarrium Posts: 432 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel--I remember one day (back in the good ol' high-school days... :grumble: ) a classmate of mine was complaining that she was "such a fat cow" because she stepped on the scale that morning and weighed a whopping 115 lbs... of course, I'm right beside her sitting at 150 (heavier than my male friends, never mind the girlfriends) feeling a mixture of embarrassment and anger. I've always ended up with the smaller girls, so I've always been "the fat one" by default--since I can remember, I've always said "I'll lose weight and be skinny for <insert milestone>" and it never happens because I don't lose the weight or because there's new, even skinnier girls at said milestone. So, here I am, trying to lose as much as possible before my official graduation day so I might look half-decent in someone's photo, and I'm pretty sure that I won't meet my goal because I never have. Sigh.

    Sorry--kind of went on my own rant... my point is, I understand your situation, and like tvgal said, you aren't alone... so many people go through the hope/disappointment saga, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we're here for you!
  • NaturalMom
    NaturalMom Posts: 85
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    You are so not alone. I used to be proud to be a "fat girl". I figured that since I had always been big that is just who I was. After spending almost my entire adulthood (post-college on) over 200lbs I was convinced that it was impossible to be anything but.
    Then I met the love of my life, today my husband, who convinced me to believe that I was beautiful for who I am - not what I weigh. Then I was told I had ovarian cancer. After surgery, a painful recovery, and another 40lbs I was ginormous (but cancer-free). He married me anyway (crazy, wonderful man!).
    Since then I quit smoking, gained 20lbs, got a less stressful job, lost 60lbs, had a daughter (miracle-baby!), gained 60lbs, quit my job to be a sahm and then lost .. what does my ticker say? +/-80lbs. Making me, today, smaller than I have been since I graduated HS. I look and feel fabulous and am dedicated to meeting my goal so that I can be around long enough to see my grandchildren.
    The number on the scale isn't nearly as important as having energy, being healthy and feeling good about yourself. Set realistic goals, be patient with yourself and aim to achieve - not just weight loss - but a healthy lifestyle.
    You are worth it and you can do it!
  • neenaleigh
    neenaleigh Posts: 584 Member
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    i just wanted to add you are friggin gorgeous! just the way you are! i did not see a "fat" girl when i saw your pictures, i was like "damn, she is really pretty" :happy:

    ps - im not a lesbian(not that there is anything wrong with it), i can just appreciate other women
  • aesoprok
    aesoprok Posts: 70
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    Just want to say i'm sorry. At my heaviest i was 172 - at 9 months pregnant - so i've never been "the fat girl" to anyone except my own mirror. But i've felt your sadness, your lack of hope, and your frustration so many times. We are all in this together, and we can change. It's easy to have shining moments of optimism, when we convince ourselves that we're not doomed to live the rest of our time trapped in a body we despise. But the truth is that most of the time this is REALLY hard. We may never touch perfection, but each small victory might bring us closer... stay strong, and be nice to your beautiful wonderfull self!
  • brightlightkatie
    brightlightkatie Posts: 38
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    'I'm not a lesbian. I can just appreciate other women' - me too !! When I saw that post and how you are feeling it made me sad cause you are beautiful. I've added you :-) I've actually added quite a few people with the same goals as me and similar weights, I suggest you do the same - its fantastic to have that support there and this really is the place for healthy weight loss.

    I feel your pain. I hate exercise, love food. Its hard for me to get my head around eating healthy portions at healthy times.

    We can do it though. WE CAN. Enough of all this, even if its a little bit difficult for the first few weeks, months even (this week is my first week and its been the hardest week ever) our bodies will eventually reflect our hard work.
  • Heather1776
    Heather1776 Posts: 46 Member
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    It sounds like you need to change your mental attitude towards life, yourself, and your body. I just got serious about getting healthier about a month ago and am seeing good results. BUT before I made the commitment I checked out a bunch of different self-help books that really helped me put my life into perspective. I had been depressed (wasn't diagnosed though) and stressed out about what was going on in my life and it helped a lot when I started reading these types of books. When you have a more positive outlook on your life, it's a little easier to take a step back and assess what is important to you.

    Good luck and don't give up! I agree that small victories should be celebrated!!
  • robslady
    robslady Posts: 17
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    I feel your pain...I've been there myself.....sometimes just wishing I could wake up and be the size I've dreamed of. Like 155 or something. I've realized the only way to get there IS self control, self love, and self motivation!! It's all about our mindset.....I wanna work out with you, eat with you and shoot for our first 10 together. If you'd like to do the online version of a workout buddy I'm here for you! You are beautiful and you know it!!! You are prettier than the average girl walking down the street. That's probably why you may be content and able . Do you want to be better, healthier? My intentions are not to sound ugly I hope you take it as love and motivation.
  • NaturalMom
    NaturalMom Posts: 85
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    ...I was told I had ovarian cancer. After surgery, a painful recovery, and another 40lbs I was ginormous (but cancer-free). He married me anyway (crazy, wonderful man!).
    Upon re-reading my post I feel I must make a clarification to this sentence-long summary of a year of my life. When the doctors removed the football-sized cyst and an ovary, the cyst was tested and found to be benign. I did not have to undergo chemo or any other sort of therapy, for which I am immensely grateful.
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
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    I have been exactly where you are...many times. Hang in there!!! When I first started, I would do the same thing on the weekends. I either would eat healthy meals but only 3, no snacks, and I would drink no water. Then once my bf got home, I would go crazy on snacks 'cause he'd want to go get some and I'm sitting right next to him, how do I say no?

    Then I realized...hey...I could be losing MORE weight than I am! Now or more frequently. So I changed my weekend eating and it's really helped. I keep my 20 oz. bottle on me all day and make sure I drink fast and refill often. I put an alarm every 2 or 3 hours on my phone and when it goes off, I have to eat. I usually work out first thing in the morning so that's out of the way and I don't have to worry about it.

    Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and decide you're not going to let YOU win... that you are going to conquer YOU and conquer the weight.
  • jurgitafit
    jurgitafit Posts: 112
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    Amazing! Thanks for sharing and being an inspiration! :-)
  • red3367
    red3367 Posts: 11
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    That's an every day thought. Keep going! You can do this! That is what I tell myself every day.

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