Is anyone else like me?

For awhile now (about a year, maybe two), I've been a restrictive eater. It is, in fact, a type of Eating disorder that not many people to be as one...Well, it is. Not many people see it as one because they do eat, but are strict about what they allow themselves to eat or consume (liquids also). What they consume may be healthy choices but the amount of these healthy choices could be more than what they have. They use diet foods like non fat or low fat yogurts, cheeses, milk, take out egg yolks, ect. Even sugar must be from a sweetener like Stevia. They are afraid to treat themselves and if they do, they feel as if they did something horrible and they must count it. Feeling of anxiety and then mood swings after consuming whatever it was they ate that made them feel so bad.

They count every single macro, every single calorie and they must stay within a certain percentage/range. They also need to eat a certain times. For example, they always think about when their next meal is going to be, how they are going to eat it, where, track what goes into their meal or snack ahead of time to make sure it's OK for them to consume, eating alone, ect. They may also take laxatives to help with bowel movements due to lack of important nutrients that keeps everything moving and the body to function to it's fullest. Sometimes it's also to make them less bloated looking because it looks like more fat gain when in reality, it is water retention and bloat.

If the family prepares a meal, they must count everything. They weigh everything if they have a food scale, they must check packages when others aren't looking, if MFP or any other calorie counter does not have a certain item in the database then they must create it, no matter how big or small it is. They become anxious and stressed if they are unable to count something and end up avoiding that food altogether. If they cannot measure or weigh something (out with friends), they either avoid eating or drinking anything or they take an "educated" guess at how many calories and macros there are. Usually, they are way off and think of numbers that are way higher than it actually is, making it even harder to consume, so they only take a tiny bite or small sip when in fact, they could have enjoyed the whole thing or at least half.


I've been trying to "recover" from having such a restrictive eating behavior but it has been proving difficult for me to do on my own. My amazing boyfriend is trying to help me and I love the fact that he is doing this for me, but I am now starting to think that I need to see someone for this. I also do not think that my family knows just how bad I can get. Some days are better than others....where i think I'm getting better, but then something triggers it to become worse. I have tried to leave MFP completely and it was going well for a little while, but I still tried to count everything. I still made sure the portions were the same amount when I was using MFP - because of memory of how the measurements looked when I knew the nutrition facts. I thought I was eating more but when in reality....I was not. I think it only felt that way because I wasn't constantly looking at the numbers after logging everything in. I came back after some months has passed because I thought I was ready to see higher numbers (calories, fat, carbs, sugar, ect), but I obviously wasn't....I got sucked in again.

Here is a list from a site I found about this ED that covers pretty much everything I go through or experience:

"How do you identify a restrictive eating disorder? Because it is a neurobiological condition, it is the mindset you are forced to adopt towards food that is most telling.

1. Family and friends have shifted from congratulating you on your weight loss and/or your healthier choices to making either careful or even blunt comments that you look too thin, sick, or generally don’t seem to eat enough.
2. You are cold when others are not. You’ve started wearing sweaters when others are in short-sleeves. Sometimes you feel light-headed, dizzy. Other times you feel foggy-headed – like you are listening to others through cotton wool.
3. You are tired and find your mind wanders. You struggle to focus in class or at work. You cannot remember things that others remember easily.
4. You are prone to crying spells and/or explosive bouts of anger (more so than what might be usual). You alternate between wanting to be alone, snapping at family and then finding you are clingy and needy, seeking reassurance from loved ones.
5. Not only do you find it hard to concentrate, but also you find you are absolutely consumed with thoughts of food. When you will eat. What you will eat. What you won’t eat.
6. Facing social circumstances that involve food creates panic: family celebrations, lunches with friends at school, holiday times…in the days leading up to such events you feel extremely anxious and spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to avoid it altogether.
7. The number of rules you assign to when and how will eat keeps getting longer. You have become ritualistic to the point where any deviance causes massive anxiety (the wrong plate, the fork in the wrong place…).
8. You have longer and longer lists of forbidden foods that you will not touch.
9. If you indulge in any food that you consider unacceptable, you are wracked with shame, self-hatred, loathing and usually ‘punish’ yourself for the transgression (exercising to exhaustion, skipping yet another meal)
10. As a woman, your regular menstrual cycle is irregular or has disappeared completely. Whether you are a woman or man you notice your skin appears dull and dry. Your hair and nails are brittle and perhaps your hair loss seems more pronounced than usual (clumps in the bathtub drains or on your brush).
11. You find yourself promising yourself and others more and more that “tomorrow” will be different. But it isn’t.
12. You lie to loved ones about what you ate that day, or about how much you actually exercised and make excuses for why you cannot eat now. If they are friends, you often fabricate food allergies, intolerances or other reasons why you cannot have the particular item being offered.

If the Telltale Dozen seem to ring true, then your next step is to determine whether these behaviors are impinging on your quality of life. If you feel you are missing out and are suffering, then it is time to seriously consider a recovery effort."







Even after putting the site into my own words and in a shortened form, Here it is. It tells a lot more and in greater detail:

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/9/13/phases-of-recovery-from-restricted-eating.html

And some others I'll add:

http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/9/14/i-need-how-many-calories.html

http://health.uvic.ca/self-help/OvercomingRestrictiveEating.html

http://eatingdisorderfreedom.wordpress.com/tag/restrictive-eating/

And this is a serious topic. I am debating whether or not to tell my parents through a note and tell them to read all the sites I've found, or try to deal with this myself. What made me really concerned was my muscle loss, fat gain, hair loss, loss of period, dry skin, mood swings, brittle nails, foggy headed, dizzy spells, easily bloated or holds onto water easier, loss of strength, sore joints and body aches, sits a lot, numbness of the fingers and toes to the point they go pitch white and tingle, a bit of extra body hair, ect. The hair loss is getting worse or at least it is not getting any better.

I know most, if not, all of you are going to say Doctors which is expected, of course, but I wanted to share this to see if anyone else is going through this and how they dealt or how they are currently dealing with it. Did you go see your Doctor? What did they do, what did they say? How long did it take you to recover? How much fat did you gain during recovery and how long did it take you to burn it off and rebuild lost muscles? Did your hair grow back? Did your period return, and if yes, how long did it take to come back? I just want to be educated as much as possible for I am now concerned. This is not only for how I look and to get out of this "skinny-fat" body, but I want to feel better again...like I use to. I look back at pictures from a year and two ago and think to myself..."Why did I think this was fat? Why did I hate my hair so much? Was I really that blind?"

Thank you for taking the time to read this or at least skim through it for the most important points...although, ALL of it IS important.


^
My face after seeing all the numbers in my meal (like pasta...)