SELF - "Love"

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HalloweenMom
HalloweenMom Posts: 53
in Motivation and Support
Maybe a bit off topic but - In my entire life only 2 men were able to steal my heart: One of them is the father of my child and the other one is my ex. I would like your opinion on this - I am unable to feel "pretty" when I'm with my baby's father, I always feel ugly, fat or just plain "wrong". When I was with my ex I felt like the prettiest girl ever. I have been in a relationship with my baby's father for 8 years, with my ex it lasted about 1 1/2 yrs.

When I met my baby's father I used to weigh 270 lbs! and when I got to my lowest weight 183 I still felt UGLY. I couldn't feel good about myself, he's a very cold type of person and my ex was always making me feel good with words and details. My ex met me at 160 and then I went up to 180 but he was still the same guy, he made sure he called me pretty and high lighted how nice close would look on me, now I'm back with my baby's father and I just CAN'T feel good about myself. I gained weight and although I know I can lose it, I know I will never feel good enough for him.

Is it fair? Is it fair that I feel this way ONLY because people show their affection in different forms? I've talked to my baby's father about it and he says that he's sorry but that's who he is... he tries to change, but it's never REAL or it never lasts. I feel like I'll always feel ugly with him and I don't want that to be anymore. I wish he would be as detailed and that he would pay as much attention to me as my ex did. My ex would never look at other women and my baby's father does :( - it makes me feel so ugly. It makes me feel like i'm not good enough for him. :( I don't want to feel this way, I talk to him about it and he feels bad, but it's so hard for him to become that GUY I've always wanted, and it's not really fair that I even try to change him. I feel like no matter how much weight I lose I'll always be less than what he deserves.

:'(

Replies

  • VictorianJade
    VictorianJade Posts: 705 Member
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    So.. what I'm hearing is "this person is bad for me".

    When you look at a poison-laced brownie, you walk away from it. Because it's bad for you, on multiple levels.

    Your baby's daddy is bad for you. His influence on you is toxic. Even if he doesn't mean to be, how YOU feel when you're with him, is reason enough, to leave, to pursue a life and a relationship that makes you feel good about being you.

    Edited to add: based on your photos, you are an absolutely beautiful woman. You deserve to feel that way.
  • FabiolaEnvy♥
    FabiolaEnvy♥ Posts: 730
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    He just not that into you.
    you gotta read that book


    a guy shouldnt make a female feel less pretty...
    cause we are ALL pretty. and when a guy doesnt say anything. but shows it by looking at other girls and what not. isnt worth the person to be with.
    and if you feel like you are ugly when you are around him. then he isnt worth it either
    ALSO if he said sorry and didnt completely change. its just cause he doesnt love you unconditionally. like your parents would or God Does. NOOOOOW you gotta leave him, cause he doesnt like you/love you enough to change and keep it that way.


    im sorry to hear this is happening to you... i really am... and it sucks to see a girl suck with another man who isnt worth being with. it really does... :(
  • MyKidzMom
    MyKidzMom Posts: 97
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    I totally agree with VictorianJade. You are a very beautiful lady that deserves the best out of life and from the man you are with. I understand he is your childrens father, but I chose to leave my childrens father, not for the exact same reasons but because I felt like he was dragging me down. Don't think that you have to be with him because he is their father. And look at it this way....1) what is that teaching your children? 2) What advice would you give if this was your daughter in the same situation?
    And remember, if momma isn't happy, then no one is happy in the end.
  • arfletcher
    arfletcher Posts: 143
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    I totally agree with VictorianJade. You are a very beautiful lady that deserves the best out of life and from the man you are with. I understand he is your childrens father, but I chose to leave my childrens father, not for the exact same reasons but because I felt like he was dragging me down. Don't think that you have to be with him because he is their father. And look at it this way....1) what is that teaching your children? 2) What advice would you give if this was your daughter in the same situation?
    And remember, if momma isn't happy, then no one is happy in the end.

    I agree as well - If he isnt healthy for you, then he also isnt healthy for your children - it isnt healthy for them to see you being treated as anything less than the love of his life if he wants to stay with you - thats what YOU deserve - and trying to change him isnt going to work - that never works - and trying to be what he "deserves" isnt going to work because you can only be yourself!
  • KarenECunningham
    KarenECunningham Posts: 419 Member
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    You look fantastic and you are a beautiful woman. I know some might encourage you to leave the father of your child because of how he makes you feel and his unwillingness to change. Before you do anything at all I would encourage you to pursue some counseling either with or without him. If you don't fix what is broken you could very well end up with someone just like him again. I am not saying it is your fault that he is the way he is but feeling good about yourself needs to come from within. You didn't say what happened between you and your ex who did make you feel good about yourself so I can only say whatever he said to you or did for you start saying those same things to yourself and believe them. You have done an amazing job losing weight but no matter what you weigh that should not define how beautiful and wonderful you are. :flowerforyou:
  • Rokssana
    Rokssana Posts: 14
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    I can totally relate to your story but I've learned from it. I was with my ex for about a year and a half and I went through a lot (that's simply put). I gained 30 pounds and he made me feel like the ugliest, fattest woman on the planet. He used to compare me to other girls and say "why can't you look like her?" or "why can't you dress like her?." --And his negativity only became worse over time because I didn't lose any weight, despite many attempts.

    I broke up with him and had to heal myself and my self esteem. I stayed single for awhile but I'm glad I did because I learned that you can't let a man, or anyone else for that matter, shape how you look at yourself. I learned that I am beautiful and that I love being who?---ME. I learned that it wasn't me who didn't deserve him but in fact, it was he who didn't deserve me. Anyone who berates you, makes you feel low, does not deserve your time.

    I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year and he makes me feel beautiful. It isn't forced, he does it naturally. He met me when I was at my heaviest weight and he NEVER made me feel unattractive or undeserving. Since I've been with him I've lost 25 pounds but I did it for myself and my happiness. At the end of the day, if a person makes you feel so low and down on yourself you don't need them in your life. Find the beauty in yourself and then find someone who see's it too.

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