How to motivate someone else

ddky
ddky Posts: 381 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My daughter is a grown adult and is obese. She is supposedly vegetarian, but in fact lives off of pasta, cheese, peanut butter, and that type thing. Very few vegetables. I know that it is only a matter of time before her health suffers. I can't stand the thought that she may not out live me. How can I motivate her to get on a program. I have tried everything I can think of, I am hoping that someone might have an idea. She occassionally talks about getting healthy, but doesn't get serious about it.

Replies

  • RobinC37
    RobinC37 Posts: 242 Member
    If she doesn't see a problem, she will refuse to address it until the day she dies, unfortunately.

    I know many people on here have gotten wake-up calls from tagged photos, rude comments, or a true look in the mirror. The key factor is that all these people decided for themselves enough is enough.

    Just continue to be a good model for her and keep being a supportive mom, which is sounds like you are. When she gets her wake-up call she'll need your help.
  • justoneanna
    justoneanna Posts: 16
    The most important part of your post is the first phrase. "My daughter is a grown adult". As a grown adult, she has to make her own choices, even if they're unhealthy ones. You harping on her about getting healthy can breed resentment and ill-will and cause your relationship to break down if she feels that she is being rejected by you for her size. Yes, you should be supportive, but I guarantee that she knows she is fat. She doesn't need you to remind her that she's fat, she gets told that every day by the entirety of our society.

    If SHE decides she wants to change that, you get to be super supportive and help her find her way through the maze that is "healthy". But it is her decision, not something you can do for her, and encouraging her is as likely to cause her shame and resentment as it is to do any good. If she asks you for advice, feel free to share your motivating healthy stories and advice, but until then, I'm pretty sure it will just come across as judgmental and meddling.
  • ddky
    ddky Posts: 381 Member
    The most important part of your post is the first phrase. "My daughter is a grown adult". As a grown adult, she has to make her own choices, even if they're unhealthy ones. You harping on her about getting healthy can breed resentment and ill-will and cause your relationship to break down if she feels that she is being rejected by you for her size. Yes, you should be supportive, but I guarantee that she knows she is fat. She doesn't need you to remind her that she's fat, she gets told that every day by the entirety of our society.

    If SHE decides she wants to change that, you get to be super supportive and help her find her way through the maze that is "healthy". But it is her decision, not something you can do for her, and encouraging her is as likely to cause her shame and resentment as it is to do any good. If she asks you for advice, feel free to share your motivating healthy stories and advice, but until then, I'm pretty sure it will just come across as judgmental and meddling.
    '

    I assure you that I have never called her fat or harped at her. I have asked her to come on MFP, I have offered to cook her healthy dinners. I have cautioned her about a family history of diabetes. We have a close relationship and talk almost every day.
  • justoneanna
    justoneanna Posts: 16
    It is still very easy for "I'm worried about you because you are unhealthy" to come across as "I don't think you're good enough because you're overweight" - even if you have a very close relationship. The whole mother-daughter dynamic is a very tough one. I know all you have said is that you're encouraging her to do healthy things and warning her about unhealthy ones, but as someone who has been the target of that, it's VERY easy for that to come across as judgment instead of help.

    And regardless of your close relationship, and how she perceives what you're saying, it's still her decision in the end, because even with your support and help, she's the one that will have to do the work.
  • Mokey41
    Mokey41 Posts: 5,769 Member
    Remember the old saying about leading a horse to water? You can't make anyone do what you want them to. The best you can do it set a good example and hope that she comes to the realization that she needs to make a change for herself.

    On a side note, a vegetarian doesn't eat meat and it doesn't mean you'll be thin. I know quite a few overweight vegetarians. The eat a ton of empty carbs and fats. Being a vegetarian isn't necessarily being healthy.
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
    The most important part of your post is the first phrase. "My daughter is a grown adult".
    ^This
    The whole mother-daughter dynamic is a very tough one.
    ^ and this.

    Unfortunately, it's very, very difficult to motivate someone else to change. The desire to change has to be there inside the individual. There are people in my life that I would love to be able to motivate to change, but it's not happening. It really sounds like you've done everything you can. I think the only thing you can do now is to wait until a time comes when she turns to you for advice, and then you can help. That time may never come. She may never decide to make that choice, or alternatively, she might, and might do it on her own. Otherwise, all you can do is love her, accept her, and hope that you can inspire her by setting a great example.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    There is no one way to motivate someone. It depends on the person's personality, and if they are not ready to address the problem, there really isn't much you can do.

    Maybe suggest doing activities together. Maybe ask her to walk with you or take a Zumba class or join a gym. Make it a favor to you though, not something she needs. Is there a Curves in your area? Many obese women are more comfortable there since there are no men, and it's a good fun workout.

    If she begins to exercise there's a good chance that diet changes may follow.
  • ddky
    ddky Posts: 381 Member
    There is no one way to motivate someone. It depends on the person's personality, and if they are not ready to address the problem, there really isn't much you can do.

    Maybe suggest doing activities together. Maybe ask her to walk with you or take a Zumba class or join a gym. Make it a favor to you though, not something she needs. Is there a Curves in your area? Many obese women are more comfortable there since there are no men, and it's a good fun workout.

    If she begins to exercise there's a good chance that diet changes may follow.

    Thank you for your input. That is exactly what I am doing right now. She is walking with me three or four times a week, but she thinks she is doing it to help me get my cholesterol down. And that i exactly what I am hoping, that she will decide since she is already exercising, she might as well eat better. Thanks again.
  • tmos512
    tmos512 Posts: 119 Member
    I was vegetarian and the same way. My husband would (lovingly) point out that I was eating mostly carbs, but I reasoned things out in my own mind. It wasn't until I went to a nutrition therapist to see if I was getting the right nutrients for my body on my new lifestyle that I saw what I was doing. She pointed out that I wasn't helping my weight loss doing this because I was replacing my protein at meals with carbohydrates. Perhaps you could voice your concern in a way that places emphasis on you wanting her to make sure she was getting the proper nutrition instead of telling her what the reality is. Sometimes we just need to hear things from someone who isn't close to us.
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member

    I assure you that I have never called her fat or harped at her. I have asked her to come on MFP, I have offered to cook her healthy dinners. I have cautioned her about a family history of diabetes. We have a close relationship and talk almost every day.

    You get to bring up MFP once. You get to talk about the family history of diabetes once (even the fact that Cousin Louise has been diagnosed gets delivered with the same tone as if she had a bad flu). You get to cook healthy dinners at your own home whenever you want, including when she is coming over. Anything else is indeed harping.

    If she mentions wanting to lose weight, ask if you can help, rather than bombarding her with information.

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