I feel like a horrible person for thinking this!!!

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shining_light
shining_light Posts: 384 Member
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend and I were out at a cafe with a bunch of friends celebrating the birthdays of two of the friends. Let me say right now that the majority of the group of people there(5 or so) were overweight/obese. And at some point, they started talking about exercise. While they were all eating sugary baked goods. One of them has to lose 50 pounds before he can go on a list for a heart transplant(congenital heart defect; he's on his third pacemaker and it's a miracle he's lived as long as he has). And he was sitting there stuffing a chocolate muffin in his face. I can deal with fat people around me eating poorly and not realizing it. But what gets me is that they talk about exercise like it's something that 1) they do significantly, and 2) like it would make a difference in their situation even if they did. All the exercise in the world doesn't make up for terrible eating habits, and sometimes I just want to shake these people by the shoulders and say "do you not see why you're fat??"

Forgive me for saying so, because I'm not in his position, but if I knew losing 50 pounds was the difference between life and death for me, you'd better believe I'd be trying damned hard to lose that weight. My boyfriend had the exact same reaction, like he does with guys at work(one of whom says he needs to lose weight and then went and bought a bag of Twizzlers for lunch. I wish that was a joke).

I feel like a terrible friend, but I know people have to want to change. Part of me feels like the good thing to do as a friend would be to step up and say something, but I know he already knows what he has to do to get well and have a fighting chance, so me saying something doesn't really help. I don't know. What do good friends do in situations like this?
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Replies

  • piggydog
    piggydog Posts: 322
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    I don't tolerate it anymore... you can gripe about being fat if you are trying to change it.... Otherwise shut your pie hole and go eat a twinkie....

    I work for a super moridly obese woman....My patience is completely tried about America's epidemic....

    Last friend that complained about being fat was chugging a beer and I told her like was...You wouldn't be a fatass if you choose different habbits so until then shut up
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
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    Fair enough. And then there's me, on the opposite end of the spectrum, where people are telling me to just "let loose" and whatever, and I'm like, "Um, no... I have an eating disorder, and I'll have a panic attack if I eat that right now". I'm by no means underweight, btw, but you can see my weight loss ticker from where I started to where I'm maintaining now. But I don't tell people that, because nobody understands that, do they? That's probably why I don't say anything, because God forbid someone comes back with "I have a thyroid condition" or a medical condition and legitimately means it.

    Edit: I suppose that doesn't excuse poor eating habits anyway.
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
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    I look at it like this, it great he is exercsing and that a great first step plus maybe he is watching his cals and it fits into his daily goal or he is having a cheat day or somthing like that. Dont let other people eating habits bother you, let them do their thing and you do yours just my two cents
  • Heather1899
    Heather1899 Posts: 179 Member
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    When I weighed more, I believed that to lose weight I couldn't eat...like anything. I figured I could not eat any carbs. I thought all I could eat was veggies-no fruit, meat, dairy, carbs ect. I never liked gym class and when I thought about exercise I remembered gym class in high school. Not fun.
    So maybe you think they know what they need to know but they do not?
    And actually, once I lost some weight I think my dr. freaked out and ran a bunch of blood tests. It did turn out I have a thyroid problem...not sure if that is what caused weight gain.

    Some people turn to food when stressed or bored.
    Some people grew up thinking that a portion of this is a whole plate/box ect so they don't know portion control.
    Some people are afraid they will fail before they start. When I wanted to lose weight, my dad told me I would gain it all back...why try?

    My sister's family is very obese and they are teaching these bad habits to their children (my nieces). They eat alot more than normal and go back for seconds ect. and eat lots of processed foods. The children are going to figure this is normal, a serving of this is that size when in fact its 2x or more a serving. They are not going to know portion control. They live in a small trailor and watch tv alot. I think they had bikes when little but I don't think they ever used them. I don't really think the road they live on is ideal for riding a bike on though...
    Alot of it is what they are taught and what they really don't know about what healthy is?
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
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    First of all, he's not the one who was exercising, and second, every time I see him, he's ALWAYS having a cheat day. So unless his "cheat days" just happen to line up with every time I see him, then... yeah. With most people, I'd just roll my eyes and move on, but with him, I know it's a life-or-death matter. I feel like he just thinks he's had a good run(he wasn't supposed to make it to 50, and he has) and that's it. I don't know. It's like I'm concerned that he's not afraid to die, I guess. :\
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
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    When I weighed more, I believed that to lose weight I couldn't eat...like anything. I figured I could not eat any carbs. I thought all I could eat was veggies-no fruit, meat, dairy, carbs ect. I never liked gym class and when I thought about exercise I remembered gym class in high school. Not fun.
    So maybe you think they know what they need to know but they do not?
    And actually, once I lost some weight I think my dr. freaked out and ran a bunch of blood tests. It did turn out I have a thyroid problem...not sure if that is what caused weight gain.

    Some people turn to food when stressed or bored.
    Some people grew up thinking that a portion of this is a whole plate/box ect so they don't know portion control.
    Some people are afraid they will fail before they start. When I wanted to lose weight, my dad told me I would gain it all back...why try?

    My sister's family is very obese and they are teaching these bad habits to their children (my nieces). They eat alot more than normal and go back for seconds ect. and eat lots of processed foods. The children are going to figure this is normal, a serving of this is that size when in fact its 2x or more a serving. They are not going to know portion control. They live in a small trailor and watch tv alot. I think they had bikes when little but I don't think they ever used them. I don't really think the road they live on is ideal for riding a bike on though...
    Alot of it is what they are taught and what they really don't know about what healthy is?

    This is a good point. So much of the diet and health information out there is full of crap because someone stands to benefit financially from the false information being given out. I mean, who gets a financial gain from telling people "go on nice walks everyday and eat whole foods"? Nobody that I can think of.
  • BonnieandClyde29
    BonnieandClyde29 Posts: 1,026 Member
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    That pisses me off too, basically I tell people unless your trying to change or even consider it, I dont want to hear it....For all types of different situations I tell my friends, "You know what?! If your not happy or satisfied DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!".... until then, quiet your face because I'm over listening to the gripes
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
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    my fault didnt read it right, anyway like I said though its his life, if chooses to lose his life early its his choice. just do you ya know.
  • OspreyVista
    OspreyVista Posts: 464 Member
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    There are a lot of reasons for things like that to happen. I say if your a real friend, sit down and talk to him about how worried you are about it. Ask him if losing weight is what he wants for his own health and if it is, talk to him about ways about doing so. You obviously know about his health issues, you could easily start by asking him what is going on with hit and how it's going, and ask him what he wants to happen. Sometimes knowing what you need to do doesn't change anything if you don't know how to change it. Make sure he knows you are talking to him about it because you care about him and his health. Hell, that might be the motivation he needs.

    I would want someone to speak up if they were worried about me for some reason or other. But that's just how I feel.
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
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    There are a lot of reasons for things like that to happen. I say if your a real friend, sit down and talk to him about how worried you are about it. Ask him if losing weight is what he wants for his own health and if it is, talk to him about ways about doing so. You obviously know about his health issues, you could easily start by asking him what is going on with hit and how it's going, and ask him what he wants to happen. Sometimes knowing what you need to do doesn't change anything if you don't know how to change it. Make sure he knows you are talking to him about it because you care about him and his health. Hell, that might be the motivation he needs.

    I would want someone to speak up if they were worried about me for some reason or other. But that's just how I feel.
    I love this reply
  • squirrelythegreat
    squirrelythegreat Posts: 158 Member
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    I'm slowly falling from the "silly people just don't know any better" to the "screw it I hate fat people - It's their own fricken fault" boat. With a fine distinction between simply 'overweight' and 'fat' being made. People carry themselves differently. Always happy to give advice if people want to listen of course, but then you hear things like "low/no carb" and "i heard vinegar makes you lose weight" all sorts of stupid stuff. The irony of it all is that it's incredibly simple to eat healthy. Don't buy stuff that's processed, eat protein / fat / fiber with every meal for satiety, drink more water. Oh, and eat at a deficit. Pretty hard...

    Here in America we could benefit from people being healthy and going on a walk every day. If we lived longer, missed less work, paid more taxes ;) we might not be in a 16 trillion dollar deficit. Should tax processed foods lol.
  • BonnieandClyde29
    BonnieandClyde29 Posts: 1,026 Member
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    I'm slowly falling from the "silly people just don't know any better" to the "screw it I hate fat people - It's their own fricken fault" boat. With a fine distinction between simply 'overweight' and 'fat' being made. People carry themselves differently. Always happy to give advice if people want to listen of course, but then you hear things like "low/no carb" and "i heard vinegar makes you lose weight" all sorts of stupid stuff. The irony of it all is that it's incredibly simple to eat healthy. Don't buy stuff that's processed, eat protein / fat / fiber with every meal for satiety, drink more water. Oh, and eat at a deficit. Pretty hard...

    Here in America we could benefit from people being healthy and going on a walk every day. If we lived longer, missed less work, paid more taxes ;) we might not be in a 16 trillion dollar deficit. Should tax processed foods lol.

    this !!! agreed!!!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    First of all, he's not the one who was exercising, and second, every time I see him, he's ALWAYS having a cheat day. So unless his "cheat days" just happen to line up with every time I see him, then... yeah. With most people, I'd just roll my eyes and move on, but with him, I know it's a life-or-death matter. I feel like he just thinks he's had a good run(he wasn't supposed to make it to 50, and he has) and that's it. I don't know. It's like I'm concerned that he's not afraid to die, I guess. :\

    Our loved ones are going to make the choices they are going to make. Whether with food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. We can do our best to try and help them. and it's normal to feel what we feel and to want to seek out advice (good for you for doing that), but ultimately I have found that I need to separate myself and let them make their own choices. Whenever they are ready, I am here to listen, support, help in whatever ways I can. But, it sure is tough to watch people killing themselves (and especially if they have young children).
  • angelams1019
    angelams1019 Posts: 1,102 Member
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    I think you should have a little more compassion for your so called "friend". If you think its frustrating to see it, think about how frustrated he must be at himself for probably feeling like he ACTUALLY COULDN'T pass up that chocolate muffin. Maybe the fact that his health is so poor eats at him so much that that chocolate muffin is the only thing he thinks will make him feel better in that moment? I suggest you watch Hungry for Change if you haven't seen it already, which discusses in detail how addicted we are to sugar, which is in EVERYTHING.

    I would also suggest you look into food addiction and try to be more understanding of your friend's situation. Below is the link to a woman's blog who describes her deadly relationship with food. Maybe reading it will help you have a bit more compassion for your friend. At the end of the day, your friend needs a friend that will BE his friend....Be compassionate....And help him...Not rant about him and how lazy he is on a fitness website. I'm sure everything you just said about him he probable says to himself all day every day. No need for anyone else to do so as well.

    http://www.300poundsdown.com/2012/11/fatal-attraction.html
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,874 Member
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    This is a tough one. When my doctor informed me that I was well on my way to being a 40 year old "statistic" at 36, I honestly did nothing...It took me two years to get off my *kitten* and do something about it...make better eating decisions, etc. Granted I wasn't morbidly obese, but I was teetering on that line of overweight/obese...my cholesterol was shooting through the roof...my triglycerides too (actually so high as to be unreadable), and my hypertension was no where near under control even with the meds my doc prescribed. To boot, my dad suffered from all of these things and never did anything about them when he was younger...now he has type II diabetes and full blown metabolic syndrome at 60.

    I just ignored these things and thought they'd magically go away...or that blood test was just an fluke, or my BP machine is just acting weird...or I'll bet my BP is lower at other times of the day, etc. I'd go so far as to take my BP 10 times or more in a row to get it to read something even remotely resembling normal (and that was while I was in a meditation state) and it still wasn't normal. The other difficulty for me was that I simply couldn't believe I could change anything...or that changing would just be too hard and that it ultimately wouldn't do any good.

    People will go to great lengths to deceive themselves and others...but mostly themselves. I don't really know how the switch flips...it did for me on my 38th birthday and another annual exam a couple days later...it was pretty much the same news I was expecting...you're getting worse, not better... and it was the same thing I've heard for the last couple of years...you need to lose some weight...you need to watch your saturated fats....you need to keep an eye on your carbs and sugar, etc. I don't know...something just clicked this time. I started thinking about my kids growing up with no dad...or being around, but being basically incapacitated and unable to enjoy the things that dads should enjoy with their boys...I started wondering what my retirement years would look like (if I even made it that far)...and I decided I needed a new life.

    People have to come around in their own time...unfortunately, many don't until it's too late or never do at all.
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
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    I'm in a similar situation. My fiance's father is extremely obese. About 500 lbs. He has been told by doctors countless times that he will die if he doesn't lose weight, and has signs of liver failure. For the wedding my fiance and I chose a venue closer to my home which means we'll be getting married 3 hours away from where his parents live. His parents had 13 months notice between us setting the date and venue to the actual nuptials still 7 months away. His mom never wants to hear about anything regarding the wedding and the day after Christmas she told me she thinks I'm selfish because her husband might not be able to travel 3 hours. No. We had a lot of reasons for picking that venue. There were many considerations. What is selfish is the fact that her husband gained 50 lbs from October to New Years. Knowing it will cost him his life, he continues to eat what he wants. Even though he has a wife, son, and 3 yr old granddaughter to live for, if he doesn't wanna do it for himself. It makes me sick to know he gained 50 lbs in 3 months. I told his mother she can blame me all she wants but if he doesn't make a real life change he may not live to see his only son get married, even if we held the ceremony in their very own backyard.
  • makaiya
    makaiya Posts: 80 Member
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    I told his mother she can blame me all she wants but if he doesn't make a real life change he may not live to see his only son get married, even if we held the ceremony in their very own backyard.

    WOW.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    What do good friends do in situations like this?

    They keep their mouths shut until the person asks for advice and then only give a very short answer like "myfitnesspal.com" :wink:
  • tachyon_master
    tachyon_master Posts: 226 Member
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    I have a friend whose father recently passed away from a heart attack, and she's been talking about wanting to lose weight (she's probably in the morbidly obese category, not simply a little overweight) ever since. Yet she continues to do no exercise and she's posting photos of herself buying out half the local Taco Bell-type establishments every other day. She asks for advice, but then says "I don't want to give up [X]" or "that's too much hard work".

    Well, I didn't want to give up eating nachos and pizza every other day either. And I struggle to fit in exercise when I'm working 16-18 hours a day. Nobody said it was going to be fun, or easy...But when it's basically a life or death thing? Some people are just going to ignore you if they don't hear what they want to hear. Simple as that.
  • Caged_Heat
    Caged_Heat Posts: 1,031 Member
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    I went to visit my dad once in Florida years ago and we went to McDonald's for dinner. There was an elderly couple there that my dad knew. He introduced to me to them, they told us that the husband was going in for bypass surgery the next day. Then they waddled over to the counter, bought their dinner, sat down, and proceeded to stuff themselves!

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