I feel like a horrible person for thinking this!!!

shining_light
shining_light Posts: 384 Member
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend and I were out at a cafe with a bunch of friends celebrating the birthdays of two of the friends. Let me say right now that the majority of the group of people there(5 or so) were overweight/obese. And at some point, they started talking about exercise. While they were all eating sugary baked goods. One of them has to lose 50 pounds before he can go on a list for a heart transplant(congenital heart defect; he's on his third pacemaker and it's a miracle he's lived as long as he has). And he was sitting there stuffing a chocolate muffin in his face. I can deal with fat people around me eating poorly and not realizing it. But what gets me is that they talk about exercise like it's something that 1) they do significantly, and 2) like it would make a difference in their situation even if they did. All the exercise in the world doesn't make up for terrible eating habits, and sometimes I just want to shake these people by the shoulders and say "do you not see why you're fat??"

Forgive me for saying so, because I'm not in his position, but if I knew losing 50 pounds was the difference between life and death for me, you'd better believe I'd be trying damned hard to lose that weight. My boyfriend had the exact same reaction, like he does with guys at work(one of whom says he needs to lose weight and then went and bought a bag of Twizzlers for lunch. I wish that was a joke).

I feel like a terrible friend, but I know people have to want to change. Part of me feels like the good thing to do as a friend would be to step up and say something, but I know he already knows what he has to do to get well and have a fighting chance, so me saying something doesn't really help. I don't know. What do good friends do in situations like this?

Replies

  • piggydog
    piggydog Posts: 322
    I don't tolerate it anymore... you can gripe about being fat if you are trying to change it.... Otherwise shut your pie hole and go eat a twinkie....

    I work for a super moridly obese woman....My patience is completely tried about America's epidemic....

    Last friend that complained about being fat was chugging a beer and I told her like was...You wouldn't be a fatass if you choose different habbits so until then shut up
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Fair enough. And then there's me, on the opposite end of the spectrum, where people are telling me to just "let loose" and whatever, and I'm like, "Um, no... I have an eating disorder, and I'll have a panic attack if I eat that right now". I'm by no means underweight, btw, but you can see my weight loss ticker from where I started to where I'm maintaining now. But I don't tell people that, because nobody understands that, do they? That's probably why I don't say anything, because God forbid someone comes back with "I have a thyroid condition" or a medical condition and legitimately means it.

    Edit: I suppose that doesn't excuse poor eating habits anyway.
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
    I look at it like this, it great he is exercsing and that a great first step plus maybe he is watching his cals and it fits into his daily goal or he is having a cheat day or somthing like that. Dont let other people eating habits bother you, let them do their thing and you do yours just my two cents
  • Heather1899
    Heather1899 Posts: 179 Member
    When I weighed more, I believed that to lose weight I couldn't eat...like anything. I figured I could not eat any carbs. I thought all I could eat was veggies-no fruit, meat, dairy, carbs ect. I never liked gym class and when I thought about exercise I remembered gym class in high school. Not fun.
    So maybe you think they know what they need to know but they do not?
    And actually, once I lost some weight I think my dr. freaked out and ran a bunch of blood tests. It did turn out I have a thyroid problem...not sure if that is what caused weight gain.

    Some people turn to food when stressed or bored.
    Some people grew up thinking that a portion of this is a whole plate/box ect so they don't know portion control.
    Some people are afraid they will fail before they start. When I wanted to lose weight, my dad told me I would gain it all back...why try?

    My sister's family is very obese and they are teaching these bad habits to their children (my nieces). They eat alot more than normal and go back for seconds ect. and eat lots of processed foods. The children are going to figure this is normal, a serving of this is that size when in fact its 2x or more a serving. They are not going to know portion control. They live in a small trailor and watch tv alot. I think they had bikes when little but I don't think they ever used them. I don't really think the road they live on is ideal for riding a bike on though...
    Alot of it is what they are taught and what they really don't know about what healthy is?
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    First of all, he's not the one who was exercising, and second, every time I see him, he's ALWAYS having a cheat day. So unless his "cheat days" just happen to line up with every time I see him, then... yeah. With most people, I'd just roll my eyes and move on, but with him, I know it's a life-or-death matter. I feel like he just thinks he's had a good run(he wasn't supposed to make it to 50, and he has) and that's it. I don't know. It's like I'm concerned that he's not afraid to die, I guess. :\
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    When I weighed more, I believed that to lose weight I couldn't eat...like anything. I figured I could not eat any carbs. I thought all I could eat was veggies-no fruit, meat, dairy, carbs ect. I never liked gym class and when I thought about exercise I remembered gym class in high school. Not fun.
    So maybe you think they know what they need to know but they do not?
    And actually, once I lost some weight I think my dr. freaked out and ran a bunch of blood tests. It did turn out I have a thyroid problem...not sure if that is what caused weight gain.

    Some people turn to food when stressed or bored.
    Some people grew up thinking that a portion of this is a whole plate/box ect so they don't know portion control.
    Some people are afraid they will fail before they start. When I wanted to lose weight, my dad told me I would gain it all back...why try?

    My sister's family is very obese and they are teaching these bad habits to their children (my nieces). They eat alot more than normal and go back for seconds ect. and eat lots of processed foods. The children are going to figure this is normal, a serving of this is that size when in fact its 2x or more a serving. They are not going to know portion control. They live in a small trailor and watch tv alot. I think they had bikes when little but I don't think they ever used them. I don't really think the road they live on is ideal for riding a bike on though...
    Alot of it is what they are taught and what they really don't know about what healthy is?

    This is a good point. So much of the diet and health information out there is full of crap because someone stands to benefit financially from the false information being given out. I mean, who gets a financial gain from telling people "go on nice walks everyday and eat whole foods"? Nobody that I can think of.
  • BonnieandClyde29
    BonnieandClyde29 Posts: 1,026 Member
    That pisses me off too, basically I tell people unless your trying to change or even consider it, I dont want to hear it....For all types of different situations I tell my friends, "You know what?! If your not happy or satisfied DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!".... until then, quiet your face because I'm over listening to the gripes
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
    my fault didnt read it right, anyway like I said though its his life, if chooses to lose his life early its his choice. just do you ya know.
  • OspreyVista
    OspreyVista Posts: 464 Member
    There are a lot of reasons for things like that to happen. I say if your a real friend, sit down and talk to him about how worried you are about it. Ask him if losing weight is what he wants for his own health and if it is, talk to him about ways about doing so. You obviously know about his health issues, you could easily start by asking him what is going on with hit and how it's going, and ask him what he wants to happen. Sometimes knowing what you need to do doesn't change anything if you don't know how to change it. Make sure he knows you are talking to him about it because you care about him and his health. Hell, that might be the motivation he needs.

    I would want someone to speak up if they were worried about me for some reason or other. But that's just how I feel.
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
    There are a lot of reasons for things like that to happen. I say if your a real friend, sit down and talk to him about how worried you are about it. Ask him if losing weight is what he wants for his own health and if it is, talk to him about ways about doing so. You obviously know about his health issues, you could easily start by asking him what is going on with hit and how it's going, and ask him what he wants to happen. Sometimes knowing what you need to do doesn't change anything if you don't know how to change it. Make sure he knows you are talking to him about it because you care about him and his health. Hell, that might be the motivation he needs.

    I would want someone to speak up if they were worried about me for some reason or other. But that's just how I feel.
    I love this reply
  • squirrelythegreat
    squirrelythegreat Posts: 158 Member
    I'm slowly falling from the "silly people just don't know any better" to the "screw it I hate fat people - It's their own fricken fault" boat. With a fine distinction between simply 'overweight' and 'fat' being made. People carry themselves differently. Always happy to give advice if people want to listen of course, but then you hear things like "low/no carb" and "i heard vinegar makes you lose weight" all sorts of stupid stuff. The irony of it all is that it's incredibly simple to eat healthy. Don't buy stuff that's processed, eat protein / fat / fiber with every meal for satiety, drink more water. Oh, and eat at a deficit. Pretty hard...

    Here in America we could benefit from people being healthy and going on a walk every day. If we lived longer, missed less work, paid more taxes ;) we might not be in a 16 trillion dollar deficit. Should tax processed foods lol.
  • BonnieandClyde29
    BonnieandClyde29 Posts: 1,026 Member
    I'm slowly falling from the "silly people just don't know any better" to the "screw it I hate fat people - It's their own fricken fault" boat. With a fine distinction between simply 'overweight' and 'fat' being made. People carry themselves differently. Always happy to give advice if people want to listen of course, but then you hear things like "low/no carb" and "i heard vinegar makes you lose weight" all sorts of stupid stuff. The irony of it all is that it's incredibly simple to eat healthy. Don't buy stuff that's processed, eat protein / fat / fiber with every meal for satiety, drink more water. Oh, and eat at a deficit. Pretty hard...

    Here in America we could benefit from people being healthy and going on a walk every day. If we lived longer, missed less work, paid more taxes ;) we might not be in a 16 trillion dollar deficit. Should tax processed foods lol.

    this !!! agreed!!!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    First of all, he's not the one who was exercising, and second, every time I see him, he's ALWAYS having a cheat day. So unless his "cheat days" just happen to line up with every time I see him, then... yeah. With most people, I'd just roll my eyes and move on, but with him, I know it's a life-or-death matter. I feel like he just thinks he's had a good run(he wasn't supposed to make it to 50, and he has) and that's it. I don't know. It's like I'm concerned that he's not afraid to die, I guess. :\

    Our loved ones are going to make the choices they are going to make. Whether with food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. We can do our best to try and help them. and it's normal to feel what we feel and to want to seek out advice (good for you for doing that), but ultimately I have found that I need to separate myself and let them make their own choices. Whenever they are ready, I am here to listen, support, help in whatever ways I can. But, it sure is tough to watch people killing themselves (and especially if they have young children).
  • angelams1019
    angelams1019 Posts: 1,102 Member
    I think you should have a little more compassion for your so called "friend". If you think its frustrating to see it, think about how frustrated he must be at himself for probably feeling like he ACTUALLY COULDN'T pass up that chocolate muffin. Maybe the fact that his health is so poor eats at him so much that that chocolate muffin is the only thing he thinks will make him feel better in that moment? I suggest you watch Hungry for Change if you haven't seen it already, which discusses in detail how addicted we are to sugar, which is in EVERYTHING.

    I would also suggest you look into food addiction and try to be more understanding of your friend's situation. Below is the link to a woman's blog who describes her deadly relationship with food. Maybe reading it will help you have a bit more compassion for your friend. At the end of the day, your friend needs a friend that will BE his friend....Be compassionate....And help him...Not rant about him and how lazy he is on a fitness website. I'm sure everything you just said about him he probable says to himself all day every day. No need for anyone else to do so as well.

    http://www.300poundsdown.com/2012/11/fatal-attraction.html
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    This is a tough one. When my doctor informed me that I was well on my way to being a 40 year old "statistic" at 36, I honestly did nothing...It took me two years to get off my *kitten* and do something about it...make better eating decisions, etc. Granted I wasn't morbidly obese, but I was teetering on that line of overweight/obese...my cholesterol was shooting through the roof...my triglycerides too (actually so high as to be unreadable), and my hypertension was no where near under control even with the meds my doc prescribed. To boot, my dad suffered from all of these things and never did anything about them when he was younger...now he has type II diabetes and full blown metabolic syndrome at 60.

    I just ignored these things and thought they'd magically go away...or that blood test was just an fluke, or my BP machine is just acting weird...or I'll bet my BP is lower at other times of the day, etc. I'd go so far as to take my BP 10 times or more in a row to get it to read something even remotely resembling normal (and that was while I was in a meditation state) and it still wasn't normal. The other difficulty for me was that I simply couldn't believe I could change anything...or that changing would just be too hard and that it ultimately wouldn't do any good.

    People will go to great lengths to deceive themselves and others...but mostly themselves. I don't really know how the switch flips...it did for me on my 38th birthday and another annual exam a couple days later...it was pretty much the same news I was expecting...you're getting worse, not better... and it was the same thing I've heard for the last couple of years...you need to lose some weight...you need to watch your saturated fats....you need to keep an eye on your carbs and sugar, etc. I don't know...something just clicked this time. I started thinking about my kids growing up with no dad...or being around, but being basically incapacitated and unable to enjoy the things that dads should enjoy with their boys...I started wondering what my retirement years would look like (if I even made it that far)...and I decided I needed a new life.

    People have to come around in their own time...unfortunately, many don't until it's too late or never do at all.
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
    I'm in a similar situation. My fiance's father is extremely obese. About 500 lbs. He has been told by doctors countless times that he will die if he doesn't lose weight, and has signs of liver failure. For the wedding my fiance and I chose a venue closer to my home which means we'll be getting married 3 hours away from where his parents live. His parents had 13 months notice between us setting the date and venue to the actual nuptials still 7 months away. His mom never wants to hear about anything regarding the wedding and the day after Christmas she told me she thinks I'm selfish because her husband might not be able to travel 3 hours. No. We had a lot of reasons for picking that venue. There were many considerations. What is selfish is the fact that her husband gained 50 lbs from October to New Years. Knowing it will cost him his life, he continues to eat what he wants. Even though he has a wife, son, and 3 yr old granddaughter to live for, if he doesn't wanna do it for himself. It makes me sick to know he gained 50 lbs in 3 months. I told his mother she can blame me all she wants but if he doesn't make a real life change he may not live to see his only son get married, even if we held the ceremony in their very own backyard.
  • makaiya
    makaiya Posts: 80 Member
    I told his mother she can blame me all she wants but if he doesn't make a real life change he may not live to see his only son get married, even if we held the ceremony in their very own backyard.

    WOW.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    What do good friends do in situations like this?

    They keep their mouths shut until the person asks for advice and then only give a very short answer like "myfitnesspal.com" :wink:
  • tachyon_master
    tachyon_master Posts: 226 Member
    I have a friend whose father recently passed away from a heart attack, and she's been talking about wanting to lose weight (she's probably in the morbidly obese category, not simply a little overweight) ever since. Yet she continues to do no exercise and she's posting photos of herself buying out half the local Taco Bell-type establishments every other day. She asks for advice, but then says "I don't want to give up [X]" or "that's too much hard work".

    Well, I didn't want to give up eating nachos and pizza every other day either. And I struggle to fit in exercise when I'm working 16-18 hours a day. Nobody said it was going to be fun, or easy...But when it's basically a life or death thing? Some people are just going to ignore you if they don't hear what they want to hear. Simple as that.
  • Caged_Heat
    Caged_Heat Posts: 1,031 Member
    I went to visit my dad once in Florida years ago and we went to McDonald's for dinner. There was an elderly couple there that my dad knew. He introduced to me to them, they told us that the husband was going in for bypass surgery the next day. Then they waddled over to the counter, bought their dinner, sat down, and proceeded to stuff themselves!
  • wendybird5
    wendybird5 Posts: 577 Member
    That can be rough. Dealing with friends like yours is a lot like dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict who knows what they are doing isn't good for them, but have all sorts of reasons why they can't change. (In fact, going to Al Anon to deal with my ex's addiction issues is what helped me finally start losing weight.) Ultimately there's nothing you can do for them other than to set an example and hope that you can somehow inspire them to finally take a chance.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    The Title of this post reminds me of a quote from Spanglish where the mother tells the daughter

    "Honey, lately your low self-esteem is just good common sense"...just sayin'.


    Try to be nicer. They are venting when saying they need to work out and putting a fudge cupcake in their mouth, they are working up to the change and harshing on them isn't gonna help them get motivated or on track any faster. Some people have to talk things out to work things out just let them.
  • NRSPAM
    NRSPAM Posts: 961 Member
    As a nurse, I run in to people like this all the time, and it's hard to keep my mouth shut. I'm also related to some people who I wish would just give it a try! But they won't. I've asked them repeatedly to come try one of my zumba classes, and they won't even try it! They don't have the information they need to lose the weight, and they don't want it! They probably feel like it's impossible, or that they just can't do it. They probably feel hopeless, and have acquired these bad habits, that are just too difficult to let go. I work on a cardiac unit, and I hear the doctors, and myself telling people that if they don't quit smoking, they'll have another heart attack, and may not be as fortunate to survive the next one, but what happens? They end up right back on the unit, and say they couldn't quit smoking, or, on occasion, they go home, light up, and fall out right then and there. Everyone has some nasty little habit, that they just can't break. For someone who has 100+ pounds to lose, I can see how that would feel impossible. Some people feel like their life is just not worth the battle to lose the weight. Maybe they have no family, or something/someone to live FOR. IDK. All we can do is thank our lucky stars, that we're not at that point in our lives right now. I for one have been fat all my life, until about a year ago, and I would hate myself if it happened, but it's so easy to go back to old habits. It's what we know, it's what feels good, until we hit rock bottom, then it doesn't feel so good. For many, food is like a drug, and if you've ever seen a drug addict, you know how hard it is to break that habit.
  • NRSPAM
    NRSPAM Posts: 961 Member
    The Title of this post reminds me of a quote from Spanglish where the mother tells the daughter

    "Honey, lately your low self-esteem is just good common sense"...just sayin'.


    Try to be nicer. They are venting when saying they need to work out and putting a fudge cupcake in their mouth, they are working up to the change and harshing on them isn't gonna help them get motivated or on track any faster. Some people have to talk things out to work things out just let them.

    Great point! When I was overweight, I would feel guilty eating fattening foods in front of my "skinny" friends, and would say something like, "man I need to go on a diet!" Mostly because I felt insecure, and saying that kind of made me feel less guilty, like yeah, I know I shouldn't be eating this, and yeah, I know I need to go on a diet, and yeah, I know that's what you're thinking, while sitting there watching me eat this! Lol
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    I think you should have a little more compassion for your so called "friend". If you think its frustrating to see it, think about how frustrated he must be at himself for probably feeling like he ACTUALLY COULDN'T pass up that chocolate muffin. Maybe the fact that his health is so poor eats at him so much that that chocolate muffin is the only thing he thinks will make him feel better in that moment? I suggest you watch Hungry for Change if you haven't seen it already, which discusses in detail how addicted we are to sugar, which is in EVERYTHING.

    I would also suggest you look into food addiction and try to be more understanding of your friend's situation. Below is the link to a woman's blog who describes her deadly relationship with food. Maybe reading it will help you have a bit more compassion for your friend. At the end of the day, your friend needs a friend that will BE his friend....Be compassionate....And help him...Not rant about him and how lazy he is on a fitness website. I'm sure everything you just said about him he probable says to himself all day every day. No need for anyone else to do so as well.

    http://www.300poundsdown.com/2012/11/fatal-attraction.html

    Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm eating disordered. This means I AM a food addict. So don't tell me I don't understand. I understand. And I wish to God I could eat the crap that these people do without having a panic attack about it and going to work out for hours on end to cope with it.
  • danaelizas
    danaelizas Posts: 22 Member
    I think you should have a little more compassion for your so called "friend". If you think its frustrating to see it, think about how frustrated he must be at himself for probably feeling like he ACTUALLY COULDN'T pass up that chocolate muffin. Maybe the fact that his health is so poor eats at him so much that that chocolate muffin is the only thing he thinks will make him feel better in that moment? I suggest you watch Hungry for Change if you haven't seen it already, which discusses in detail how addicted we are to sugar, which is in EVERYTHING.

    I would also suggest you look into food addiction and try to be more understanding of your friend's situation. Below is the link to a woman's blog who describes her deadly relationship with food. Maybe reading it will help you have a bit more compassion for your friend. At the end of the day, your friend needs a friend that will BE his friend....Be compassionate....And help him...Not rant about him and how lazy he is on a fitness website. I'm sure everything you just said about him he probable says to himself all day every day. No need for anyone else to do so as well.

    http://www.300poundsdown.com/2012/11/fatal-attraction.html

    Exactly what I was thinking...Everyone is so quick to judge instead of offering suggestions or finding solutions...
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    I understand at least some of your frustration. The BF has been complaining for years about wanting to lose weight but did not do a damn thing at all. I eventually had to shut my own mouth, too, as I put on 40+ pounds in 10 months - and it took that entire 10 months of being unhappy with it before I did anything about it. But I remember, for my previous smaller times, being SO FRUSTRATED with his complaining.

    He now is making an effort of some sort by doing a couple hours of cardio a week. That is also sometimes frustrating, as he refuses to look at what he is eating and then complains that the weight's not coming off as fast as it is for me. But I've figured out that continually outlaying what I do will only chase him off doing anything healthy at all.

    It's a thin line we walk.

    As per the first set of people you saw in the cafe - that would probably horrify me some, too. We all take our time in deciding to change, but sometimes it's so frustrating, especially when people seem to have at least some of the information in front of them.
  • fusion777
    fusion777 Posts: 197
    I think a lot of people have to wait for the moment to click in before they make any significant change.

    I knew I was living large and wanted to change but didn't put the effort into it, kept saying "I'll start tomorrow" and then tomorrow would be the next day, etc.

    The changing day in my life was being told I had cancer and the cancer is feeding off my fat (well, the estrogen being created in my body from my fat). Hello wake up call!!! I was 36.

    That was 6 months ago, I am down just over 90lbs with a heck of a lot more to go. I plan on starving these cancer cells to death. (I am on a medically supervised diet, not literally starving myself.) I'm just not going to give the cancer a chance to grow and spread.

    I feel bad for people that can't get moving in the right direction (but I will say, I am surprised with your friend and the pacemaker. How scary is that to not drop those 50 immediately).

    The best thing my cancer doctor recommended was seeing a nutritionist for some help. I wish I did this years ago, may have prevented developing my cancer in the first place. Who knew being fat can give you cancer in some cases?

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