I just need to vent

GreenieBean · May 2010

So today I realize I may be doing this for all the wrong reasons. Or, maybe I'm not. I am so confused. I just want to climb on my roof and scream at the top of my lungs.

So the MAIN reason I want to lose weight is for my boyfriend of 4 years. I love him a lot and want to show him I can do it. I have gained a lot of weight since being with him and I think maybe because I got out of hand and just assumed he will love me no matter what so let me eat this doughnut. Which to an extent is true. If you love someone. then it shouldn't matter what they look like. However, it's not entirely true. I myself, would not be happy with him if he was extremely overweight and kept saying he was going to lose weight and did a good job for a little bit then went back to his old ways. This has gone on for sometime now and it's getting to the point where he is starting to give up on us, I just had my Ah Ha moment not too long ago realizing that my weight bothered him that much. Before, he would blame his unhappiness on other things because he didn't want to hurt my feelings telling me it was all about my weight. He is a very athletic, fit person and I guess he wants someone who can keep up with him. So finally, I realize this is happening and now it may be too late which is seriously devastating to me. In my eyes and in my family's eyes, he is the man I was going to marry and be with forever. Now, I find myself doubting that which I never have before. It's heartbreaking and stressful. All this time wasted I feel like. What really sucks is that could lose weight and really become something and he will still not be happy. I say to myself, well that's his loss...but it doesn't help. I feel like I'm losing too. It should have never gotten this far. Some days I hate myself for letting myself do this.

I'm young and I have been through a lot and I know I'll get through this no matter what. I just want it to be a happy ending.

Thank you if you read this, it really helps to let it all out sometimes

I'm going to continue on my journey to be fit and healthy whatever the reason may be. In the end when I'm done I know I'll be happy with myself for the accomplishment no matter what.

Hermit4Hire · May 2010

So the MAIN reason I want to lose weight is for my boyfriend of 4 years.

If you don't want to do it for yourself, it will never be a long term success. I think you understand that, but your entire post is backwards thinking.

When you decide you want it for yourself, it is so much easier to accomplish. Good luck...

vanillasugar · May 2010

I have to second what Hermit said. I feel if you're doing this for any other reason other than YOU, you will be setting yourself up for failure in the long run.

With that being said, and understanding fully that everyone has their own ideas of what is sexy/desirable/personal taste/personal preference etc. I have to also quote the beautiful Marilyn Monroe here "If they can't handle me at my worst, they sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

You can do it and understanding the need to is worthy of congratulations, but hopefully you can find it in yourself to realize the need to do it for yourself first and foremost. Good luck :flowerforyou:

obifatkanobi · May 2010

I understand quite well what your saying and know how much it helps to even just write things out. I hope that deep inside, you will find that all along you want to become healthier for youself. Prove to yourself you can do it...

tiffanygil · May 2010

I can only imagin how this feels to you but I can tell you this. Being thin does not solve any problems. In our world we are taught that you can only have the happy ending if your thin.

This is not true.

I am so sorry that you feel like he cant love you the way he used to if your not "thin" but please believe me when I tell you that if this is an issue now, it will only get worse. Being with some one long term...ie married is hard work and the issues you face with that person are hard enough that you shouldnt add insecurity to them.

On the other side of that, I know that I am really hard on myself (harder than my husband) are you sure he feels this way?

Good luck girl and trust me when I say if you cant love yourself now you wont love yourself 20 or even 50lbs less than now

squoozyq · May 2010

He's not the one if he can't love you no matter what. There should be NO conditions placed on any love.
You also have to love YOU. Screw the world and everyone in it if they think being skinny equals love and success.
You will lose the weight when you WANT to, but for some reason being overweight has been working in some way for you, perhaps you were testing his faith.

Junisahn · May 2010

Is the issue your actual weight or the fact that you don't participate or enjoy the same activities? If your weight is getting in the way of activities you used to do with him, then it's understandable that you guys might be moving apart. If it's really just the number on the scale or the way you look, well, that's pretty shallow and he's probably not actually the guy you'd want to marry.

courtney_love2001 · May 2010

If you are already thinking about this, then odds are he has been thinking about it, too. The truth is, the weight could have been a part of it, but it's probably more than that...and if you are thinking that he loves you less because you are overweight, then he's not the one for you. Maybe you're thinking that because you're rationalizing a less-than-adequate relationship. Sure, weight can be an issue, but when it becomes a deal-breaker, then there's something more deeply rooted in the relationship that is intrinsically lacking. And you said yourself, even if you lost the weight you don't know if it would work out. I say the best thing you can do is talk to him. See where he stands. I wouldn't mention losing weight to him, just talk about your relationship in general. Say you've noticed a change, and let him lead from there. It's so scary to have that conversation, but it's best for your sanity. Hold your breath, cross your fingers, and if he's the one, then things will work out. If not, spread your wings and fly!

havingitall · May 2010

My husband married me when I was 340 lbs and he was 270 lbs. Now I have lost 87 lbs and he has lost 70. I know he will love me no matter what my size is. We do different activities. He is an avid cyclist now and teaches spinning classes. I have become a gym rat, joined a walking club and a dragon boat team.

The basis of a great relationship is not the size you are or doing all activities together. The basis of a great realtionship IS mutual respect, love and open and honest communication. If he isn't "into" you right now, what will happen when you are 9 months pregnant with his child or if some illness or accident (God forbid) were to happen to you later in life where you were unable to participate in his desired activities.

Weight loss should be all about you and not trying to keep a man. You must do this for yourself first. Only by putting yourself first will you be able to be the person you need to be so that you can then love yourself enough to be loved by somebody else.

ladybug91254 · May 2010

For what it is worth from an older point of view (being been there done that). My EX husband whom I married quite young thought I should stay 110 pounds forever. (I'm 5' 5"). If I gained a pound or two he was all over me. When we divorced I weighed 140 and looking back at photos I looked great. However, because of all his harping about my weight I had extremely low self esteem and felt like a COW. I met and married a fabulous man that loved me for what I was inside. I know this because over the years I have fought the low self esteem and weight gain (was at 280 when I started this journey). He has never once harped about my weight. IF I ask him he will say, yes he would like me to lose weight for my health and obviously since I am already so beautiful I would be even more beautiful (his words not mine). But, bottom line he has always left it to me and shows me in so many ways how much I mean to him. In other words he will love me, as Vanillasugar said, at my worst or my best. And when you're young I think it is harder to believe that. To me your words sound like you already know you deserve someone that will love you regardless...you just need to come to grips with it. Also, if he can't love you however you are think about what if you became scarred from an accident, or lost an arm, leg or whatever. Love CAN NOT be about looks only, sex only or anything else in and of itself. It has to be about the entire person...inside and out.

lelesmama · May 2010

When my sister was dating her husband, she asked him a series of questions.
1) Would you still love me if I gained a ton of weight?
- YES
2) Would you still love me if I was burned in a terrible accident including my face?
- YES
3) Would you still love me if I was in a terrible accident and became a quadrapeligic (sp?)?
- YES
4) Would you still love me if I lost my entire body and was just a head?
- YES! I would take you everywhere with me and I would put you on my desk at work and talk to you all day!

Love goes wayyyyy beyond the physical. However, losing weight for your boyfriend isn't the worst thing - It's a good motivator. But, is it motivation or are you doing it because you're scared? I am currently losing weight for my husband. Making him happy makes ME happy. When he sees me doing things for him, he wants to make me happy in return. It is this viciously wonderful cycle. You deserve a spouse who would die for you.

Good luck on your weight loss journey!!

jackpotclown · May 2010

I agree a lot with what people are saying here (especially courtney), and the first impression I get is that you don't give yourself enough credit....that you're trying to make an effort to change, even though it may not be for the right reason. Personally, I applaud your effort and I'm sure there are plenty others who do too. However, the real issue with the weight may not necessarily be him. I get the impression like you value yourself less because you've gained weight....not that you've talked to him about it, but more that your perception of how healthy he is becomes the 'why would he want to be with you' kind of thing which brings you (as well as your relationship) down. I wouldn't necessariy beat around the bush when it comes to this.....and yeah, it sounds like you have other communication issues to deal with besides this, which is probably why things are spiraling downward for you.....the best advice I can offer is to be open and honest about what you're seeing, how you're feeling, and how things have changed, etc etc. Get it all out there, because for all you know some of it could be your perception, not necessarily the truth.

KellyBurton1 · May 2010

I think its a women thing to please everyone esle except ourselves. When we take ourselves out of the equation we forget about ourselves. I used to be like that, I thought I wasnt good enough and it got me down real bad. I took it out on everyone and ate and ate and because of that I gain alot of weight, the weight fusturated me more cause I was always tired and didnt care anymore. It really affected my marriage and we did go through a real bad spot. He walked out. I went through a life changing week, I had a break down and seek help. I realize I forgot about me. My husband came back and we work at it and our marriage is a milion times better. Then I took charge of my life, gain confidence, went back to school, and lost 70 lbs. I done it for me! Not him. He wanted me to lose the weight, I saw after why he wanted me to lose the weight, men likes a sexy woman just like a woman likes a sexy man. People might say that if he loved me he would accept me for who I am. Yes thay do love you but they dont want to see there mate suffer from sickness or low self esteem. Being overweight affects alot of you more than you realize. being active and feeling good about yourself reflects on to others. I do this for me because I am able to take care of others as well. always put yourself first. keep your chin up, down look down, better things are yet to come!

Junisahn · May 2010

I just wanted to add this thought... I'm losing weight because I want to lose weight to fit back into my old clothes and feel good about my body again. However, my motivation - the thing that got me to stop just yakking about how fat I feel and get off my butt and make changes - was a $100.00 bet with my sister. Is money a "good" motivation to lose weight? I'd say no. Is saving face with your sister a good motivation? Probably not. But it was the spark that got me going to reach my deeper goal, which is a positive sense of well-being.

Just saying that deep down, you probably ARE doing this for you.

GreenieBean · May 2010

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I am a firm believer in if it's meant to be it will happen and everything happens for a reason. I'm still kind of unsure of everything and need time to think about things. So far, this year has been rough for me but I have been doing a lot of good things for myself also. I enrolled back into school and I start in a few weeks. I will continue doing things for myself and I know one day someone who really deserves me will be lucky enough to be with me. Maybe it will be him and maybe not. We will have to see i guess. Thank you again everyone. It really feels good to know you all care enough to take time out of your day to try and help me with my issues.

I just need to vent

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