I think my issues are sabotaging me
mamax5
Posts: 414 Member
This is a long story.REALLY LONG..I have always had a minor weight issue. As a teen I was always 20-40lbs overweight. I struggled with it and just didn't know how to lose weight. This was coupled with a helicopter mother who didn't think I was overweight and just big boned only added to my frustration. So, in '99 I basically ran away. Back then weight didn't consume me, but if I had the internet I might would have been able to get the weight off lol.......anyway, I got myself into a situation. I had a boyfriend who would not work, so there was no food in the house. I lost 20lbs in 3 months....this was while pregnant. My doctor at the time didn't know about how I wasn't eating and he preformed an ultrasound at every visit. He seemed very concerned, but he never told me if something was wrong. The food situation continued to worsen. I was very naive and knew nothing about food banks or shelters or churches that helped people like me. I had come from a very sheltered world and didn't know that people like my boyfriend even existed...I didn't know people could sink down as low as he was. Well, things went downhill and I lost my baby at 22 weeks.
I went home and the food thing with me slowly began to get out of control. When I was with my parents everything was fine...it was when I moved out that the problems began. I had my own issues with keeping food in the house. I had a job and I was always broke. I would slowly begin to freak out as my food supply would dwindle.
After I got together with this amazing man....and later married him was when the problem began to get out of hand. Food would begin to dwindle....I would go from cabinet to cabinet...looking for food....if it got down to the food that I lived off of in '99....ramen noodles and canned corn, and canned tuna I would think there wasn't anything to eat. I would begin to slowly work myself into a panic. When we would go grocery shopping I would binge on a few things as we unloaded the food and put it away. I would binge on the easily accessible stuff...the chips, and the junk food....packaged things. I would just want to eat everything I could get to quickly. I would just go into freak out mode. I thought it was normal...because it happened slowly. I had forgotten that I didn't do this growing up because I would nibble things when I got home from the store with my mother.
It was really bad when I was pregnant in 2002. That was when all my weight came on....put this behavior with my husband "teaching" me that it was OK to eat 2 cheeseburgers instead of one....supersize fries instead of medium....My husband was the complete opposite of the uncaring boyfriend. He made sure I had food and worried about me when I went through morning sickness and couldn't eat. So, I guess, he fed into my freak out behavior and unknowingly became my enabler.
Now that I know about it, I do not know how to get past this and eat like a normal person. I have more control over it than before....but it is HARD to control myself when the food starts getting at the point where I think there is nothing to eat...when there actully is something there. Another thing I have noticed recently is I think I set myself up for this. I don't get many things from the grocery store that is "mine". Most of what is purchased is for "family". I noticed this and purposely bought things for myself. I am slowly having more control....but not nearly what I think I should have. I know I have an issue with sugar and carbs....bread....stuff like that. I just want to get over this. Appetite suppressants do not work on me. I have been on ACE for 2 1/2 weeks, everything about works, except the appetite part of it...I mean it works to a point, just not like it should. I think this "I'm gonna starve" is so deeply ingrained in my brain that it overides medication that suppresses my appetite. Even my husband thinks this is true. Whats worse is he himself is about 100lbs overweight. He reinforces my bad behavior with his own. I just don't know how to get past this. I have talk to counselors and they look confused as to how to help me. They each used a different method of trying to help me and none of it worked. It makes me feel that I can't change. I don't want to hear how diet pills are bad, I know the risks....but I plan on staying on ACE because it helps my ADD and gives me focus. I think that focus has helped me think and figure out the severity of my food issues.
I need help, I just don't know how to fight the compulsion to eat. I feel like a bulimic that doesn't vomit. I am not even sure if this is emotional eating, it just seems like it goes deeper than my emotions, because I am not sad or happy when I do it. May be I do this more out of fear...
The typical foods that are natural appetite suppressants do not work as such....I can over eat on almonds...apples....I drink 2-3 64 oz jugs of water a day and can still over eat I still feel as though I am starving. When I was on Atkins, I would eat 4 eggs and 4 peices of bacon and still be SOOOO hungry. I would regularly go up to 2000 cals a day and that was with drinking all that water. I went over my cals yesterday, I just didn't post it. I ate 2 salmon patties, a big spoonful of brussels sprouts and 2 small rolls with a little butter. I never felt over full. At the moment is is 8:23am and I feel like I am about two starve. I haven't eaten yet, but I just don't think I should feel this hungry. It's been about 9 hours since I last ate and I feel like I haven't eaten in 2 days....I mean, I know what it feels like when I haven't eaten for 2 days, I feel like my stomach is turning inside out and if I don't eat soon I will get sick....I mean the hunger will go away for a little bit and return with a vengeance, then I will really feel like puking. Anyway, I am not saying I'm not going to eat breakfast, I am just trying to explore how I feel and why. It's just I think I get too hungry because of what I went through. I shouldn't "need" to eat 2000 cals a day. MFP has me set at 1700. the longest I have ever been successful at trying to eat less was 3 months and I lost close to 40lbs.
I now have weight loss stall all the time. I lose around 16-20 lbs and I will stall....I mean stall for long periods of time. Then I give up. I need help, I just hope there is someone out there who can help. My husband thinks it's to the point where I need a hypnotist. I have been tempted to take 3 ACE pills a day to see if that helps. I am getting desperate to get past this.
I went home and the food thing with me slowly began to get out of control. When I was with my parents everything was fine...it was when I moved out that the problems began. I had my own issues with keeping food in the house. I had a job and I was always broke. I would slowly begin to freak out as my food supply would dwindle.
After I got together with this amazing man....and later married him was when the problem began to get out of hand. Food would begin to dwindle....I would go from cabinet to cabinet...looking for food....if it got down to the food that I lived off of in '99....ramen noodles and canned corn, and canned tuna I would think there wasn't anything to eat. I would begin to slowly work myself into a panic. When we would go grocery shopping I would binge on a few things as we unloaded the food and put it away. I would binge on the easily accessible stuff...the chips, and the junk food....packaged things. I would just want to eat everything I could get to quickly. I would just go into freak out mode. I thought it was normal...because it happened slowly. I had forgotten that I didn't do this growing up because I would nibble things when I got home from the store with my mother.
It was really bad when I was pregnant in 2002. That was when all my weight came on....put this behavior with my husband "teaching" me that it was OK to eat 2 cheeseburgers instead of one....supersize fries instead of medium....My husband was the complete opposite of the uncaring boyfriend. He made sure I had food and worried about me when I went through morning sickness and couldn't eat. So, I guess, he fed into my freak out behavior and unknowingly became my enabler.
Now that I know about it, I do not know how to get past this and eat like a normal person. I have more control over it than before....but it is HARD to control myself when the food starts getting at the point where I think there is nothing to eat...when there actully is something there. Another thing I have noticed recently is I think I set myself up for this. I don't get many things from the grocery store that is "mine". Most of what is purchased is for "family". I noticed this and purposely bought things for myself. I am slowly having more control....but not nearly what I think I should have. I know I have an issue with sugar and carbs....bread....stuff like that. I just want to get over this. Appetite suppressants do not work on me. I have been on ACE for 2 1/2 weeks, everything about works, except the appetite part of it...I mean it works to a point, just not like it should. I think this "I'm gonna starve" is so deeply ingrained in my brain that it overides medication that suppresses my appetite. Even my husband thinks this is true. Whats worse is he himself is about 100lbs overweight. He reinforces my bad behavior with his own. I just don't know how to get past this. I have talk to counselors and they look confused as to how to help me. They each used a different method of trying to help me and none of it worked. It makes me feel that I can't change. I don't want to hear how diet pills are bad, I know the risks....but I plan on staying on ACE because it helps my ADD and gives me focus. I think that focus has helped me think and figure out the severity of my food issues.
I need help, I just don't know how to fight the compulsion to eat. I feel like a bulimic that doesn't vomit. I am not even sure if this is emotional eating, it just seems like it goes deeper than my emotions, because I am not sad or happy when I do it. May be I do this more out of fear...
The typical foods that are natural appetite suppressants do not work as such....I can over eat on almonds...apples....I drink 2-3 64 oz jugs of water a day and can still over eat I still feel as though I am starving. When I was on Atkins, I would eat 4 eggs and 4 peices of bacon and still be SOOOO hungry. I would regularly go up to 2000 cals a day and that was with drinking all that water. I went over my cals yesterday, I just didn't post it. I ate 2 salmon patties, a big spoonful of brussels sprouts and 2 small rolls with a little butter. I never felt over full. At the moment is is 8:23am and I feel like I am about two starve. I haven't eaten yet, but I just don't think I should feel this hungry. It's been about 9 hours since I last ate and I feel like I haven't eaten in 2 days....I mean, I know what it feels like when I haven't eaten for 2 days, I feel like my stomach is turning inside out and if I don't eat soon I will get sick....I mean the hunger will go away for a little bit and return with a vengeance, then I will really feel like puking. Anyway, I am not saying I'm not going to eat breakfast, I am just trying to explore how I feel and why. It's just I think I get too hungry because of what I went through. I shouldn't "need" to eat 2000 cals a day. MFP has me set at 1700. the longest I have ever been successful at trying to eat less was 3 months and I lost close to 40lbs.
I now have weight loss stall all the time. I lose around 16-20 lbs and I will stall....I mean stall for long periods of time. Then I give up. I need help, I just hope there is someone out there who can help. My husband thinks it's to the point where I need a hypnotist. I have been tempted to take 3 ACE pills a day to see if that helps. I am getting desperate to get past this.
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Replies
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I want to add that I am hungry every two hours. It does not matter what I eat. A big meal or a bowl of cereal...I have to overeat in order to feel full....and even full feels like this weird hungry feeling. The only time I feel full is when I am over full. I have to be completely and utterly distracted to not think about food. These things are exacerbated when trying to lose weight. Almost out of control.0
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I think your issues are your issues. and you need to seek a therapist that does cognitive behaviour therapy.0
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I think it is time to find a different therapist. This isn't something you are going to be able to control on your own.0
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To stave off the hunger pains you might try sipping mint tea throughout the day....0
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Morning greetings from Seattle... you are not alone and I think ANYONE and EVERYONE with 100 pounds to lose has issues and I am 47 and can sadly say I have past mine to my daughters also. I was the only person who was overweight in my family was tested for anything and everything as a child. My father was an officer in the service and no one was fat. My parents coached sports my nickname was 2 ton tony. At 47 I realize that the issues from all of this are starting me in the face repeatedly and I am in this to win this. There is very few things I still feel I need to do with my life besides this one. Love yourself , get counsel, get the weight off... Hopefully no more kiddos without losing the weight thats such a bad thing for those of us who need to lose weight I was there every baby was ultimately 30 more pounds by their first bday. Make yourself a priority and for me I pray sometimes hourly to be rid of the eating disorder I was blessed with at 5 years old best of luck friend request me if youd like.
Lee In Seattle0 -
I think your issues are your issues. and you need to seek a therapist that does cognitive behaviour therapy.
^^^ agreed. I think you need more the forum help to overcome this. You need time to talk one on one with someone and really go into your issues.0 -
I think your issues are your issues. and you need to seek a therapist that does cognitive behaviour therapy.
Thanks...I have taken a Psychology course and had no idea what type of therapy might help....the lady I was seeing does the repeating things back to you and asking how does that make me feel....it doesn't work for me.
And I have tried just about everything to stave off hunger. My problems go beyond tips and tricks....but thank-you.0 -
first I am very sorry for your loss.
I know you said you have tried counseling but you need to find one that isn't confused on how to help you. It might take awhile but I am sure they are out there. Did the ones that you go to specialize in the area?
If it was me I wouldn't bring non healthy things into the house. To get the full feeling start eating salads do you know how much raw spinach you can eat for hardly any cals eat salad before your meal. Plus look at the foods that you are eating for example you had 2 hot pockets that accounted for 640 calories.
Dinner
Baked Chicken Breasts, 6 oz
Fage - Total 0% Yogurt - Nonfat, Plain, 0.25 cup
Aldi Casa Mamita - Mild Chunky Salsa, 6 tbsp
Quinoa - Quinoa Cooked, 0.5 cup cooked
Lettuce - Cos or romaine, raw, 150 g
Generic - Mexican Avacodo, 1 ounce
Total cals? 551
Baked Chicken Breasts, 6 oz
Spinach - Raw, 50 g
Sweet potato - Cooked, baked in skin, without salt (Sweetpotato), 200 g
Broccoli - Cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 1 cup, chopped
Total cals? 517
I am not perfect but these are from my dairy now for these dinners who do you think walked away satisfied for the calories?0 -
I think your issues are your issues. and you need to seek a therapist that does cognitive behaviour therapy.
Thanks...I have taken a Psychology course and had no idea what type of therapy might help....the lady I was seeing does the repeating things back to you and asking how does that make me feel....it doesn't work for me.
And I have tried just about everything to stave off hunger. My problems go beyond tips and tricks....but thank-you.
it's not about physical hunger, i think. it's "head hunger" you're dealing with, that's sooooo difficult.0 -
Plan your menus in advance and make sure you keep well stocked with healthy foods.0
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I find that exercise really suppresses my appetite. I like to binge as well, usually when I'm bored, do yo have enough activities? Do you take time for yourself to do things that you really enjoy? You need to feed your soul as well as your body.0
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first I am very sorry for your loss.
I know you said you have tried counseling but you need to find one that isn't confused on how to help you. It might take awhile but I am sure they are out there. Did the ones that you go to specialize in the area?
If it was me I wouldn't bring non healthy things into the house. To get the full feeling start eating salads do you know how much raw spinach you can eat for hardly any cals eat salad before your meal. Plus look at the foods that you are eating for example you had 2 hot pockets that accounted for 640 calories.
Dinner
Baked Chicken Breasts, 6 oz
Fage - Total 0% Yogurt - Nonfat, Plain, 0.25 cup
Aldi Casa Mamita - Mild Chunky Salsa, 6 tbsp
Quinoa - Quinoa Cooked, 0.5 cup cooked
Lettuce - Cos or romaine, raw, 150 g
Generic - Mexican Avacodo, 1 ounce
Total cals? 551
Baked Chicken Breasts, 6 oz
Spinach - Raw, 50 g
Sweet potato - Cooked, baked in skin, without salt (Sweetpotato), 200 g
Broccoli - Cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 1 cup, chopped
Total cals? 517
I am not perfect but these are from my dairy now for these dinners who do you think walked away satisfied for the calories?
I understand this...I get it I really do. I think that I am seeking out the easiest most comforting thing to shove in my face. I think another poster said it right....it's head hunger. I am going to search out someone who specializes in this area. My college has someone I can go to for help in finding someone. My therapist helped me in the losses I've had...just not the starving aspect of my situation. I thank you for the advice and help you've given. I can't wait to find someone and get started on getting past this. I have so many issues...I feel like I have a had just so many chapters of my life...it makes feel ancient sometimes.0 -
Plan your menus in advance and make sure you keep well stocked with healthy foods.
I was going to say the same thing. Try pre-logging all your food, get into exercising (if you don't already). You're in the right place anyway, I'm sure you will find a lot of help and support here on MFP.0 -
I am not a therapist; I feel like I should say that right up front.
To me, it sounds like you have some PTSD from losing the baby. You didn't have enough food, and something really awful and emotionally painful happened. From what you have described, it sounds like your brain is stuck on the idea that you need to be eating for things to be okay.
I think you need to do two things:
1. Right away, you need to make sure that the food in your house is good quality food. Focus on whole foods, lots of fresh produce. Stay away from the easy packaged stuff. I know you will want some "grab and eat right away" foods for when your panic hits. Make sure you have fresh fruit all washed and ready to eat, along with other easy things like shelled nuts, and portion these things out into small "snack size" baggies. When you need to snack, snack on something, but don't do a whole meal unless it's meal time.
2. Find a therapist who can help you short-circuit this connection. You need to be able to reprogram your brain so that food or a lack thereof does not generate panic for you.
You need to explain this to your husband, if you haven't already, and get his support.
You should continue to log your food, plan your meals, exercise, and do all the other things you have been doing to lose weight... you can do this. You can, and you will.0 -
I have dealt with similar eating issues in the past. I still have issues when the cupboards start to get bare. What I would suggest is seeing someone who does CBT, like the previous posters mentioned. Your brain needs to learn that you are no longer in danger of starving. That fear can get very deeply ingrained, especially after experiencing the pain and loss that you have. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and I will pray for your emotional healing. Bless you.0
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I am not a therapist; I feel like I should say that right up front.
To me, it sounds like you have some PTSD from losing the baby. You didn't have enough food, and something really awful and emotionally painful happened. From what you have described, it sounds like your brain is stuck on the idea that you need to be eating for things to be okay.
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I agree.
After being violently attacked, which resulted in needing surgery, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went through EMDR therapy. It completely turned my life around. I won't even attempt to describe it lol, but after 6 sessions I felt like a brand new woman.
Best of luck, we are here for you!0
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