How we mess up our daughters. Stop the madness!

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kwardklinck
kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
in Health and Weight Loss
My whole life I've been around "dieters". There are people in my family who lose tremendous amounts of weight. They do it in the most ridiculous ways you can imagine. My aunt has been thin her whole adult life. Her advice to me when I was a newlywed was to eat half a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, a salad with protein for lunch, and a cup of international coffee for dinner. (really?) No dinner. She advised me to cook for my family but just drink one cup of coffee and eat nothing.

My mom has been on the grapefruit diet, the cracker diet (she ate a sleeve of crackers during the day and ate dinner at night), the cabbage diet , and some banana and hot dog thing that was just too disgusting. She had some success with Weight Watchers but she went right back to her old way of eating after she met her goal.

My sister tried Nutrisystem for 2 weeks but didn't lose so she stopped. She has done the cabbage soup thing and the Adkins diet and some lemon/cayenne pepper thing. Now she's losing weight by eating meat and cheese and maybe one serving of vegetables per day. She's told me about packing just yogurt, fruit, and lunch meat in her daughter's lunch. This makes me so scared for my niece.

Without any help from my family, I've learned how to eat. I've learned how to control my portions and how to get my proper nutrition. I've learned that no food is off limits if you're willing to work for it. Every day, I still see people on here who just don't get it. They eat 800-900 calories a day while burning 500 calories a day in their exercise. Working yourself into exhaustion and starving yourself is called anorexia. If you're doing this, you're not following the program that has actually worked for so many people here.

For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.

I encourage you to really think about what the proper way to diet is. I also want to let you know that your example is the one your children will follow. Why not be as good a role model as you can be?
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Replies

  • lizzie84
    lizzie84 Posts: 54
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    I totally agree!!
  • Amy_B
    Amy_B Posts: 2,323 Member
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    Exactly! It sounds like they're all about "quick fixes" that they can't keep up forever. My motto has always been that since this is a lifestyle change, if I can't do it for the rest of my life, I'm not even going to start it. I wish everyone would think that way.
  • catfan
    catfan Posts: 90 Member
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    Well said!:smile:
  • BikiniTiff
    BikiniTiff Posts: 3
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    So very true! I was eating under my calorie goal and not losing weight (I am exercising as well) and getting very frustrated. I thought to myself, why am I hungry all the time and not losing weight? This is stupid. So I ust starting eating what I wanted when I wanted to eat it--no holds barred for one whole week. I thought I would have gained 10 lbs doing that, but in truth I only gained 2 lbs. This has made me rethink my eating. I will now not go hungry, but won't be eating a whole box of cookies. I am going to try to meet my goal as closely as possible and I think I will be pleasantly surprised. I have not been particularly hungry today and fell great!
  • xarrium
    xarrium Posts: 432 Member
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    You just explained how I feel about all these diets--they're essentially useless, because unless you're willing to eat that way for the rest of your life (which, given the fact that these diets are 800-900 cals a day, is a guaranteed "no"). Thanks for posting this!
  • AprilChampion
    AprilChampion Posts: 184 Member
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    I also want to let you know that your example is the one your children will follow. Why not be as good a role model as you can be?

    i already do. My girls know that sweets are only done in moderation, cake and ice cream is for birthdays or special occasions...we DO eat "out" on occasion, or ill make the stuff we can get "OUT" at home, with healthier versions. they see me going to the gym, doing yoga and mini workouts here at the house but its not to the point of being obsessive. My children are all thin because of the lifestyle we lead not because of how or what i teach them.Healthy food choices, no fried foods, only baked. I, too, grew up with a dieter.

    My mother was ALWAYS dieting, doing this diet or that diet...it turned out that she has a thyroid problem that made it difficult to lose weight and once she did, it was hard to keep off. She obsessed about loosing weight my whole life and even made ME feel like i was fat, in 6th grade, 12 years old and weighing 125 pounds, she flipped out. I am NOT a tiny girl. I stand at my tallest, when im standing straight, shoulders back at 5'5"...I was 5'3" in 6th grade...I was athletic, played field hockey and was a cheerleader...My doctor told her that it was normal for my size. She still insisted on keeping ONLY skim milk in the house and no "junk", like bread because she said it made us "fat".... We rarely had bread in the house and when we did it was wheat bread. I dont obsess over my childrens weights or what they look like, i know that mother nature has blessed them with good genes. The same genes that, at 33 have me looking like I'm at MOST 25 years old ( and have had MANY people that i dont LOOK to be in my mid thirties.) I work out and eat healthy for ME, and thats all that i can teach my children, Do things FOR THEMSELVES, not for anyone around them.
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    That's wonderful. I've always done that with my daughter too. She was a little bit chubby in elementary school but we just encouraged healthy snacks and activity. Her little belly was replaced by a curvy body most women would love to have as she grew taller. Women can really mess up their daughter's perceptions of themselves if they're not careful. My daughter actually is the one who told me about MFP. I'm so proud to see her trying to be healthy and not doing some harmful crash diet to lose a few pounds. She looks incredible after only a few months on here.
  • h_eloise86
    h_eloise86 Posts: 124
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    My parents have always been obsessed with looks. The thinner the better. My father is in the Army, so he has always in shape. My mother is anorexic. I was always pressured by them to look good, to be thin, to make other people happy with the way I look. As a heavyset child I had problems as I became a teenager. I would used diet pills, massively under eat, and overly workout to "be thin". As I have gotten older, especially with the birth of my son, I have learned that I need to be healthy - not thin. I have learned portion control. I have learned that hamburgers are not evil, just having them everyday isn't smart. I know when to stop working out. I don't want my son/future children to have an obsession with "being thin". I want them to love their bodies and treat it right. The same way I am trying to do so now.
  • writer190
    writer190 Posts: 51 Member
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    For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.

    Thank you for this post. It's very important to remember. As a recovering under-eater, when I see the posts of people who, as you put it, "just don't get it," I get triggered and start thinking maybe I'm eating too much. It's very refreshing to read this and be reminded that those recommendations are there for a reason: because they work!
  • mythicals
    mythicals Posts: 70
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    Whatever diet you're on now should be one that you could stick with your whole life. Crazy plans involving 800 calories a day always crash and ruin your health. Staying healthy should be your main goal.
  • sassydot
    sassydot Posts: 141
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    Apart from this next 5 days where I'm trying the 1200 cal thing just for kicks and to see what its all about, I've been losing, slowly but surely, by working out what maintenance for my goal weight is and eating that every day. It's ever so slightly less than maintenance for my current weight, so I'm getting a deficit.






    This post reminded me of when I was 17 or 18, thereabouts, I lost weight by making a batch of chocolate fudge, every day, and just eating that! It was about 1500cal in the batch because it was pretty much just 2 cups of sugar and some cocoa and a bit of milk, so naturally I lost weight, but it can't have been very healthy!
    It wasn't exactly intentional... I was just nibbling on this fudge every day and was never hungry for anything else!

    Maybe I should market it "the fudge diet!"
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.

    Thank you for this post. It's very important to remember. As a recovering under-eater, when I see the posts of people who, as you put it, "just don't get it," I get triggered and start thinking maybe I'm eating too much. It's very refreshing to read this and be reminded that those recommendations are there for a reason: because they work!

    That's why I posted what I did. I don't want people who are doing it the right way to think they're doing it wrong because someone else says they're eating 900 calories per day. It's really easy to be persuaded by other people. We have to learn to ignore the bad advice and do the best things we can for ourselves. I've lost all of my weight eating 1300-1400 calories per day and I'm maintaining it on 1600-1800 calories per day. It did take a few months but I've retrained my metabolism. That has happened because I learned how to eat and I get a healthy amount of exercise. The result is that I'm never hungry and never deprived and I look better and feel better than I have in a really long time.
  • kiffypooh
    kiffypooh Posts: 1,045 Member
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    I hear you and so well put. My grandma was bulimic before bulimia was around. Once that didn't pan out to great she turned to laxatives. I never understood why grandma always stunk up the bathroom after a meal.
    My mom told me one day, "oh honey, you just get use to being hungry."
    I've done Weight Watchers a few times but gained the weight back. This past time something clicked for me, it was my daughter!!! I don't want my daughter to be unhealthy, eating badly or hear those things. I realized I was eating things that I would NEVER give my daughter, and that was a huge moment for me. McDonalds is too good for my daughter but not for me? Then I started realizing how much she watches me and learns from me. Now I eat healthy to be alive longer, be in shape and to show her the right way to go. I have such a struggle with my family because they want to feed her junk (yet when she's fat at 10 or 12 like I was they will tell her to just get use to the hunger). The other issue I have the idea that some things that have been taboo my whole life are actually good for you. Avocados are GREAT oils and fats, peanut butter will not make my daughter fat (if eaten in moderation), it's constant struggle. One would think after a year and a half of feeding my daughter organic peanut butter that when the jar is gone my mom would know better then to say, "so, we can switch to Jiffy now?" REALLY?? Does this seem like a passing phase??? I was watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution the other night and can feel his pain of thinking he's getting through to people just to have them turn the second he walks away. So frustrating. Thank you for the post and the chance to vent :laugh: :flowerforyou:
  • nina1968
    nina1968 Posts: 86 Member
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    well said
  • atlmom
    atlmom Posts: 27 Member
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    i remembered being weighed in my mom's bathroom at age 10 and being put on a diet. i was NOT overweight looking back at pictures. i remember a pair of pants being so tight in the waist that christmas, but i wasn't gonna tell anyone. again looking back at photos, a normal child.

    now the mom of a 4 year old girl, i'm determined not to give her my body/weight issues (i am overweight now!). i do not use any diet words in front of her. just talk about being healthy. tell her we don't make fun of anyone's body/parts. i let her eat what she wants and ignore the rest. it's amazing how she self regulates.

    i have to watch my mom though. those negative thoughts are bound to creep into my child's head. urrrggh.
  • Killeen_bride2be
    Killeen_bride2be Posts: 90
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    ATTENTION ALL MOTHERS: Unless your child seriously undereats DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever,ever say "just one more fry(or whatever food at the time)" or "There is starveing kids in africa (or ANY country, city or state)" PLEASE, I BEG YOU!!!.
    My mom who has had an eating disorder her whole adult life and growing up with her was really bad, She would say the sentances above everytime we ate (at home or out), even though there was only 1 bite taken off her own plate. On top of that I was called "chunky" "Big-in" "chubby" , "fatty", "my daughter has a double chin" and oh yeah my ultimate favorite and most damageing "HEALTHY'. I never understood why someone who would over-feed their child would also belittle them. As I got older it got worse because even as I would try to get into shape after being teased for being 125lbs in 5th grade at 5'4( grew 2 more incches that winter) she would blame me for ever being fat in the first place. When I have kids I will only give them healthy choices but not make them eat to the point of busting just to the point where THEY are full. Even if my kids do turn out overweight I will never tell them that they are 'fat"chubby" or "HEALTHY", I will simply walk or work out with them or help them make better choices.

    I am sorry for ranting but I still have issues with food thanks to those 2 sentances and have self esteem issues thanks to the names. So please if you are doing nay of this, PLEASE STOP!!!

    I am 25 and just now feel like I can do this the right way and am (for the most part) happy with me.
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    Well said! I think a lot of us grew up with the "eat everything on your plate" mentality. I still have it to a certain extent. I won't waste food but what's wrong with splitting your dinner and making two meals out of it?

    I also do think that mothers do so much damage to their daughters by putting them on diets or worrying excessively about a little baby fat. I was appalled that my sister wouldn't give my niece bread in her lunch. The child is 8 years old for heaven's sake. Stop taking her out to eat so often. They seriously eat out 3-4 times per week but she's talking to her daughter about that little pudge in her belly. So many kids are chubby and outgrow it by the teen years. I am really glad that I never went overboard with my child. She grew into a beautiful young woman. She has never gone on a crash diet because I always encouraged healthy eating and exercise as the only logical way to take off a few pounds.
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
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    My daughter is my clone. She is lovely and smart and funny and loving........so why did it take me yrs to realize that was ME too??

    Instead I would talk down about myself . Call myself a fat azz or say I had hand to mouth disease. I couldn't understand my daughters self esteem issues until someone pointed out that I would say something negative about myself, then someone would says " Oh man, your daughter looks JUST like you!!'

    I stopped talking badly about myself that day. I began to help her with self esteem by telling her I was a good person, beautiful and loving just like her!

    To this day if I have a negative thought about myself, I will look at my DD and say "HEY, you can't be all bad-look at your twin!!!"

    Oh and I gained 40 pounds doing all those diets listed above. 36 pounds are GONE gone gone from my body forever by eating good healthy foods, and exercising more! :flowerforyou:
  • Killeen_bride2be
    Killeen_bride2be Posts: 90
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    Me and the FI have talked about it and we are going to do the 1 spoonful rule. Where you have to eat at least 1 spoonful of everything that is cooked, that way I also won't end up with the other end of the eating problem spectrum (the chicken nugget generation) (no offence).If my kid can't eat everything on thier plate then great, there's lunch for tommarrow lol.
  • kwardklinck
    kwardklinck Posts: 1,601
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    Oh I'm sure I have talked negatively about myself too. When I gained all that weight after my mom died, I wasn't happy with myself. We all do it to a certain extent because the media tells us we have to be thin, young, and beautiful. I am glad to see strong, smart women who say "No" to becoming rail thin. I've always tried to point these role models out to my child who is a curvy girl. Whenever she points out a particularly thin person and wishes to look like that person, I tell her, "It hasn't kept the boys away." She giggles and agrees with me and moves on.

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