How we mess up our daughters. Stop the madness!
kwardklinck
Posts: 1,601
My whole life I've been around "dieters". There are people in my family who lose tremendous amounts of weight. They do it in the most ridiculous ways you can imagine. My aunt has been thin her whole adult life. Her advice to me when I was a newlywed was to eat half a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, a salad with protein for lunch, and a cup of international coffee for dinner. (really?) No dinner. She advised me to cook for my family but just drink one cup of coffee and eat nothing.
My mom has been on the grapefruit diet, the cracker diet (she ate a sleeve of crackers during the day and ate dinner at night), the cabbage diet , and some banana and hot dog thing that was just too disgusting. She had some success with Weight Watchers but she went right back to her old way of eating after she met her goal.
My sister tried Nutrisystem for 2 weeks but didn't lose so she stopped. She has done the cabbage soup thing and the Adkins diet and some lemon/cayenne pepper thing. Now she's losing weight by eating meat and cheese and maybe one serving of vegetables per day. She's told me about packing just yogurt, fruit, and lunch meat in her daughter's lunch. This makes me so scared for my niece.
Without any help from my family, I've learned how to eat. I've learned how to control my portions and how to get my proper nutrition. I've learned that no food is off limits if you're willing to work for it. Every day, I still see people on here who just don't get it. They eat 800-900 calories a day while burning 500 calories a day in their exercise. Working yourself into exhaustion and starving yourself is called anorexia. If you're doing this, you're not following the program that has actually worked for so many people here.
For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.
I encourage you to really think about what the proper way to diet is. I also want to let you know that your example is the one your children will follow. Why not be as good a role model as you can be?
My mom has been on the grapefruit diet, the cracker diet (she ate a sleeve of crackers during the day and ate dinner at night), the cabbage diet , and some banana and hot dog thing that was just too disgusting. She had some success with Weight Watchers but she went right back to her old way of eating after she met her goal.
My sister tried Nutrisystem for 2 weeks but didn't lose so she stopped. She has done the cabbage soup thing and the Adkins diet and some lemon/cayenne pepper thing. Now she's losing weight by eating meat and cheese and maybe one serving of vegetables per day. She's told me about packing just yogurt, fruit, and lunch meat in her daughter's lunch. This makes me so scared for my niece.
Without any help from my family, I've learned how to eat. I've learned how to control my portions and how to get my proper nutrition. I've learned that no food is off limits if you're willing to work for it. Every day, I still see people on here who just don't get it. They eat 800-900 calories a day while burning 500 calories a day in their exercise. Working yourself into exhaustion and starving yourself is called anorexia. If you're doing this, you're not following the program that has actually worked for so many people here.
For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.
I encourage you to really think about what the proper way to diet is. I also want to let you know that your example is the one your children will follow. Why not be as good a role model as you can be?
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I totally agree!!0
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Exactly! It sounds like they're all about "quick fixes" that they can't keep up forever. My motto has always been that since this is a lifestyle change, if I can't do it for the rest of my life, I'm not even going to start it. I wish everyone would think that way.0
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Well said!
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So very true! I was eating under my calorie goal and not losing weight (I am exercising as well) and getting very frustrated. I thought to myself, why am I hungry all the time and not losing weight? This is stupid. So I ust starting eating what I wanted when I wanted to eat it--no holds barred for one whole week. I thought I would have gained 10 lbs doing that, but in truth I only gained 2 lbs. This has made me rethink my eating. I will now not go hungry, but won't be eating a whole box of cookies. I am going to try to meet my goal as closely as possible and I think I will be pleasantly surprised. I have not been particularly hungry today and fell great!0
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You just explained how I feel about all these diets--they're essentially useless, because unless you're willing to eat that way for the rest of your life (which, given the fact that these diets are 800-900 cals a day, is a guaranteed "no"). Thanks for posting this!0
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I also want to let you know that your example is the one your children will follow. Why not be as good a role model as you can be?
i already do. My girls know that sweets are only done in moderation, cake and ice cream is for birthdays or special occasions...we DO eat "out" on occasion, or ill make the stuff we can get "OUT" at home, with healthier versions. they see me going to the gym, doing yoga and mini workouts here at the house but its not to the point of being obsessive. My children are all thin because of the lifestyle we lead not because of how or what i teach them.Healthy food choices, no fried foods, only baked. I, too, grew up with a dieter.
My mother was ALWAYS dieting, doing this diet or that diet...it turned out that she has a thyroid problem that made it difficult to lose weight and once she did, it was hard to keep off. She obsessed about loosing weight my whole life and even made ME feel like i was fat, in 6th grade, 12 years old and weighing 125 pounds, she flipped out. I am NOT a tiny girl. I stand at my tallest, when im standing straight, shoulders back at 5'5"...I was 5'3" in 6th grade...I was athletic, played field hockey and was a cheerleader...My doctor told her that it was normal for my size. She still insisted on keeping ONLY skim milk in the house and no "junk", like bread because she said it made us "fat".... We rarely had bread in the house and when we did it was wheat bread. I dont obsess over my childrens weights or what they look like, i know that mother nature has blessed them with good genes. The same genes that, at 33 have me looking like I'm at MOST 25 years old ( and have had MANY people that i dont LOOK to be in my mid thirties.) I work out and eat healthy for ME, and thats all that i can teach my children, Do things FOR THEMSELVES, not for anyone around them.0 -
That's wonderful. I've always done that with my daughter too. She was a little bit chubby in elementary school but we just encouraged healthy snacks and activity. Her little belly was replaced by a curvy body most women would love to have as she grew taller. Women can really mess up their daughter's perceptions of themselves if they're not careful. My daughter actually is the one who told me about MFP. I'm so proud to see her trying to be healthy and not doing some harmful crash diet to lose a few pounds. She looks incredible after only a few months on here.0
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My parents have always been obsessed with looks. The thinner the better. My father is in the Army, so he has always in shape. My mother is anorexic. I was always pressured by them to look good, to be thin, to make other people happy with the way I look. As a heavyset child I had problems as I became a teenager. I would used diet pills, massively under eat, and overly workout to "be thin". As I have gotten older, especially with the birth of my son, I have learned that I need to be healthy - not thin. I have learned portion control. I have learned that hamburgers are not evil, just having them everyday isn't smart. I know when to stop working out. I don't want my son/future children to have an obsession with "being thin". I want them to love their bodies and treat it right. The same way I am trying to do so now.0
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For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.
Thank you for this post. It's very important to remember. As a recovering under-eater, when I see the posts of people who, as you put it, "just don't get it," I get triggered and start thinking maybe I'm eating too much. It's very refreshing to read this and be reminded that those recommendations are there for a reason: because they work!0 -
Whatever diet you're on now should be one that you could stick with your whole life. Crazy plans involving 800 calories a day always crash and ruin your health. Staying healthy should be your main goal.0
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Apart from this next 5 days where I'm trying the 1200 cal thing just for kicks and to see what its all about, I've been losing, slowly but surely, by working out what maintenance for my goal weight is and eating that every day. It's ever so slightly less than maintenance for my current weight, so I'm getting a deficit.
This post reminded me of when I was 17 or 18, thereabouts, I lost weight by making a batch of chocolate fudge, every day, and just eating that! It was about 1500cal in the batch because it was pretty much just 2 cups of sugar and some cocoa and a bit of milk, so naturally I lost weight, but it can't have been very healthy!
It wasn't exactly intentional... I was just nibbling on this fudge every day and was never hungry for anything else!
Maybe I should market it "the fudge diet!"0 -
For MFP to work, you need to follow the recommendations. You are here because your past efforts haven't worked right? If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be here. That means eating what they tell you to, not doing it the way you always have.
Thank you for this post. It's very important to remember. As a recovering under-eater, when I see the posts of people who, as you put it, "just don't get it," I get triggered and start thinking maybe I'm eating too much. It's very refreshing to read this and be reminded that those recommendations are there for a reason: because they work!
That's why I posted what I did. I don't want people who are doing it the right way to think they're doing it wrong because someone else says they're eating 900 calories per day. It's really easy to be persuaded by other people. We have to learn to ignore the bad advice and do the best things we can for ourselves. I've lost all of my weight eating 1300-1400 calories per day and I'm maintaining it on 1600-1800 calories per day. It did take a few months but I've retrained my metabolism. That has happened because I learned how to eat and I get a healthy amount of exercise. The result is that I'm never hungry and never deprived and I look better and feel better than I have in a really long time.0 -
I hear you and so well put. My grandma was bulimic before bulimia was around. Once that didn't pan out to great she turned to laxatives. I never understood why grandma always stunk up the bathroom after a meal.
My mom told me one day, "oh honey, you just get use to being hungry."
I've done Weight Watchers a few times but gained the weight back. This past time something clicked for me, it was my daughter!!! I don't want my daughter to be unhealthy, eating badly or hear those things. I realized I was eating things that I would NEVER give my daughter, and that was a huge moment for me. McDonalds is too good for my daughter but not for me? Then I started realizing how much she watches me and learns from me. Now I eat healthy to be alive longer, be in shape and to show her the right way to go. I have such a struggle with my family because they want to feed her junk (yet when she's fat at 10 or 12 like I was they will tell her to just get use to the hunger). The other issue I have the idea that some things that have been taboo my whole life are actually good for you. Avocados are GREAT oils and fats, peanut butter will not make my daughter fat (if eaten in moderation), it's constant struggle. One would think after a year and a half of feeding my daughter organic peanut butter that when the jar is gone my mom would know better then to say, "so, we can switch to Jiffy now?" REALLY?? Does this seem like a passing phase??? I was watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution the other night and can feel his pain of thinking he's getting through to people just to have them turn the second he walks away. So frustrating. Thank you for the post and the chance to vent :laugh: :flowerforyou:0 -
well said0
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i remembered being weighed in my mom's bathroom at age 10 and being put on a diet. i was NOT overweight looking back at pictures. i remember a pair of pants being so tight in the waist that christmas, but i wasn't gonna tell anyone. again looking back at photos, a normal child.
now the mom of a 4 year old girl, i'm determined not to give her my body/weight issues (i am overweight now!). i do not use any diet words in front of her. just talk about being healthy. tell her we don't make fun of anyone's body/parts. i let her eat what she wants and ignore the rest. it's amazing how she self regulates.
i have to watch my mom though. those negative thoughts are bound to creep into my child's head. urrrggh.0 -
ATTENTION ALL MOTHERS: Unless your child seriously undereats DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever,ever say "just one more fry(or whatever food at the time)" or "There is starveing kids in africa (or ANY country, city or state)" PLEASE, I BEG YOU!!!.
My mom who has had an eating disorder her whole adult life and growing up with her was really bad, She would say the sentances above everytime we ate (at home or out), even though there was only 1 bite taken off her own plate. On top of that I was called "chunky" "Big-in" "chubby" , "fatty", "my daughter has a double chin" and oh yeah my ultimate favorite and most damageing "HEALTHY'. I never understood why someone who would over-feed their child would also belittle them. As I got older it got worse because even as I would try to get into shape after being teased for being 125lbs in 5th grade at 5'4( grew 2 more incches that winter) she would blame me for ever being fat in the first place. When I have kids I will only give them healthy choices but not make them eat to the point of busting just to the point where THEY are full. Even if my kids do turn out overweight I will never tell them that they are 'fat"chubby" or "HEALTHY", I will simply walk or work out with them or help them make better choices.
I am sorry for ranting but I still have issues with food thanks to those 2 sentances and have self esteem issues thanks to the names. So please if you are doing nay of this, PLEASE STOP!!!
I am 25 and just now feel like I can do this the right way and am (for the most part) happy with me.0 -
Well said! I think a lot of us grew up with the "eat everything on your plate" mentality. I still have it to a certain extent. I won't waste food but what's wrong with splitting your dinner and making two meals out of it?
I also do think that mothers do so much damage to their daughters by putting them on diets or worrying excessively about a little baby fat. I was appalled that my sister wouldn't give my niece bread in her lunch. The child is 8 years old for heaven's sake. Stop taking her out to eat so often. They seriously eat out 3-4 times per week but she's talking to her daughter about that little pudge in her belly. So many kids are chubby and outgrow it by the teen years. I am really glad that I never went overboard with my child. She grew into a beautiful young woman. She has never gone on a crash diet because I always encouraged healthy eating and exercise as the only logical way to take off a few pounds.0 -
My daughter is my clone. She is lovely and smart and funny and loving........so why did it take me yrs to realize that was ME too??
Instead I would talk down about myself . Call myself a fat azz or say I had hand to mouth disease. I couldn't understand my daughters self esteem issues until someone pointed out that I would say something negative about myself, then someone would says " Oh man, your daughter looks JUST like you!!'
I stopped talking badly about myself that day. I began to help her with self esteem by telling her I was a good person, beautiful and loving just like her!
To this day if I have a negative thought about myself, I will look at my DD and say "HEY, you can't be all bad-look at your twin!!!"
Oh and I gained 40 pounds doing all those diets listed above. 36 pounds are GONE gone gone from my body forever by eating good healthy foods, and exercising more! :flowerforyou:0 -
Me and the FI have talked about it and we are going to do the 1 spoonful rule. Where you have to eat at least 1 spoonful of everything that is cooked, that way I also won't end up with the other end of the eating problem spectrum (the chicken nugget generation) (no offence).If my kid can't eat everything on thier plate then great, there's lunch for tommarrow lol.0
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Oh I'm sure I have talked negatively about myself too. When I gained all that weight after my mom died, I wasn't happy with myself. We all do it to a certain extent because the media tells us we have to be thin, young, and beautiful. I am glad to see strong, smart women who say "No" to becoming rail thin. I've always tried to point these role models out to my child who is a curvy girl. Whenever she points out a particularly thin person and wishes to look like that person, I tell her, "It hasn't kept the boys away." She giggles and agrees with me and moves on.0
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Great post and all sentiments that I've said over and over again.
I learned a long time ago, watching my son that he was made with an incredible ability to self-monitor. He grazed... he preferred fruit and vegetables to junk food and he was very healthy. Then people started giving him "treats" - candy, ice cream, cake.... he NEVER would have considered that a treat unless someone had told them they were. What's wrong with treating a kid to an apple?
There are 2 little girls that come to my sons baseball games - her brother is on my sons team. They love to come see the lady with the snack bag (me). They love to eat my apples (they had never seen a green apple before), my bananas, clementines, string cheese and flavored rice cakes. Her mother sits in amazement and can't believe that her "picky" kids eat these things... kids are only picky if you allow them to be.
My father was my main issue growing up. Weight was always a big deal in his family. I'm German and American Indian... I have big, strong genes... I have broad shoulders, big hips and when I'm healthy - a tiny waist. I have muscular legs. My father taught me to hate my body. When I was in 3rd grade and running around in a leotard before ballet class... I remember standing in front of the mirror admiring my long, graceful arms - I was entranced with them because I thought they looked beautiful. I remember coming downstairs to leave and my dad looking at me and saying, "Maybe ballet will help you lean out your stomach - they you'll look really good in that leotard." I got to ballet and didn't even notice my long, graceful arms anymore... all I saw was my fat stomach (which wasn't... I ws in 3rd grade...). I joined weight watchers for the first time in 4th grade. I learned to relate to women who were obese. I sat in WW meetings listening to women complain about how they couldn't pass up certain treats... and I learned that was "normal".
Probably the most hurtful was my first year of college... my father loves to tell the story of sending me off to college looking slender and beautiful (funny - I don't remember that being said at the time) and when he came to visit in October he didn't even recognize me because I had gained so much weight. I was still wearing the same size pants... I had been walking up 4 flights of stairs several times a day and traversing the hills of campus... I'm sure that I had changed shape a little... and perhaps even put on a few pounds.... but after his visit... I put on 20 lbs between October and December and another 10 before Freshman year was over.
I'm 35 year old and he still has the ability to set me off into a tizzy. Over at his house the other night... he said, "How much weight have you lost?" I told him 32 lbs. He pointed to my stomach and said, "That'll be the hardest part to lose - it's nothing but fat". What I SAID was "Bite me" (jokingly of course). What I SHOULD HAVE SAID was "Actually I've lost 4 inches in my waist and it only looks bigger because my boobs have shrunk...." But I didn't because the defiant teenager in me came out and bared her claws.
I can only hope that eventually I'll get over the bitterness and anger... and that I won't instill the same fears in my son. We exercise, play and have fun together. We cook together and I try to stress to him being active (football, baseball, basketball) and being healthy instead of dieting and "exercise". So far... so good.0 -
As I read some of these post, the memories of a "large" child hood comes flooding back. I was a heavier child and just kept eating. When I was around 13 or 14 I stayed home all summer eating. I did nothing all summer (3 full months) of nothing but cheese burgers french fries and pierogies. All deep fried. Dinner time was different, my mother always cooked healthy meals for our family. But that didn't stop the ice cream and sugary cereal, cake and cookies before bed. She always was a thin woman and took great care of herself. When I went back to school after that summer, the kids I used to hang out with didn't want anything to do with me, I was fat and unattractive and they made fun of me. After a horrible school year, I decided to make a change. I ate healthier and exericised all that next summer. Getting down to a size zero for the first time ever. I was so proud of my self. As time went by the weight lost that summer started to work it's way back on, especially when I was pregnant with my daughter. My mother always said to me, no matter what size I was that I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Never told me to lose weight, eat better, or try to convince me I was fat. I was the one who talked down about myself, looked in the mirror with disgust! Now, I have a daughter and I hope that me changing my life style to become a "healthy" person, she will see this and learn. I try to cook healthy meals everyday for dinner. But there are somethings we MOM's can not control once these children grow up. No matter how much we try to encourage healthy eating or habits, these children will become their own person, Just as we did and make decisions on their own. The best we can hope for is the knowlege we try to instill in them sticks and they are happy with the way they are!0
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My daughter is my clone. She is lovely and smart and funny and loving........so why did it take me yrs to realize that was ME too??
Instead I would talk down about myself . Call myself a fat azz or say I had hand to mouth disease. I couldn't understand my daughters self esteem issues until someone pointed out that I would say something negative about myself, then someone would says " Oh man, your daughter looks JUST like you!!'
I stopped talking badly about myself that day. I began to help her with self esteem by telling her I was a good person, beautiful and loving just like her!
To this day if I have a negative thought about myself, I will look at my DD and say "HEY, you can't be all bad-look at your twin!!!"
Oh and I gained 40 pounds doing all those diets listed above. 36 pounds are GONE gone gone from my body forever by eating good healthy foods, and exercising more! flowerforyou
That really hit home for me! I have a daughter that looks exactly like me and for a while now I have been wondering why she has been miss behaving and now I now the reason. Thank you!! This same daughter has always been "bigger" then average. I never said anything negative about it because she was taller then average so it panned out but the extended family would say things and it really didn't hit me until at the age of four she said to me that she was "fat". When neither me or her dad would say that she was but she heard it from family members when I didn't realize she was listening. From that time I vowed that if anyone ever said stuff about her size I was going to step in no matter if I thought she was listening or not! Now I realize that my own self confidence is affecting her and her behavior. Reason being is that she looks just like me and everyone says it but if I say something bad about myself she takes it personally. Thank you again!0 -
Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.0
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Very well spoken! Amen!!0
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I'm 35 year old and he still has the ability to set me off into a tizzy. Over at his house the other night... he said, "How much weight have you lost?" I told him 32 lbs. He pointed to my stomach and said, "That'll be the hardest part to lose - it's nothing but fat". What I SAID was "Bite me" (jokingly of course). What I SHOULD HAVE SAID was "Actually I've lost 4 inches in my waist and it only looks bigger because my boobs have shrunk...." But I didn't because the defiant teenager in me came out and bared her claws.
Stay with your goals, be strong and don't let anyone upset you. It's only you who chooses the reaction to anyone's words. Be confident that you can become healthy, regardless of other opinions. :-) I feel so bad for those, whose parents say mean things to their children, although I do understand that they're doing this cause they never received proper love and care from the parents of their own.0 -
Good post and excellent conclusion. I wish all the parents thought this way. It feels great to be an example of balanced, healthy living for others.0
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Well said but unfortunately you can set a good example but as a mother you still have to talk to them about eating right,exercise and how your weight changes depending on whats going on. I say this because my sister has two girls (11 and 8) and the other day the 11 year old came home from a sleep over and said that the other girls said she weighted to much. She weights about 100 lbs. but is also 4' 10'' tall and not fat at all. We had to explain to her about height and weight and how it all works together. She is also developing early, like her mother did and we explained how that affects things.
For alot of these girls all the emphasis is put on how much you weight and nothing is explained to them what a healthy weight for them should be.
I worry that this obsession over weight has started so early for these girlfriends of hers but I think that my sister is doing a really good job of teaching her girls to love themselves and how looking your best means taking care of yourself and not obsessing over the number on the scale.0 -
Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.
Your so welcome. This is the reason I pour out my heart.........to help another person.
I wish I knew this 10 yrs earlier.......but at least I know it now!!
She is much much more confident now and is in nursing school!!
Jeannie 0 -
Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.
Your so welcome. This is the reason I pour out my heart.........to help another person.
I wish I knew this 10 yrs earlier.......but at least I know it now!!
She is much much more confident now and is in nursing school!!
Well I know that this info is going to help a lot my daughter is only 6 years old. So knowing it now will help me to make that change so that she thinks good about herself instead of bad. Thank you again. Jeannie0
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