Seriously need help

KintsugiCurlyQueen
KintsugiCurlyQueen Posts: 68 Member
in Motivation and Support
I don't know what to do any more. I am scared, angry and frustrated. My family feel exactly the same. I am out of control and at this rate I'll end up either dead or admitted for inpatient treatment. Before anybody replies with something along the lines of 'this is not something strangers on the net can help you with - you need to see a professional', please bear in mind that I AM getting professional help but it's got to a point where I feel like cognitive behavioural therapy just isn't enough and I NEED to explore other avenues.

Long story short, I starved myself to a stupid weight and was diagnosed with anorexia. Quite early on in the recovery process I got hit with the binges. At first it was once a twice or week, totalling around 1500 cals. Very quickly, however, it became a daily problem with some binges maxing out at 5000+. All sugar and high carb foods - a constant craving for that momentary high to make everything feel better. As a result, my weight rocketed in a couple of months (we're talking around 30lbs).

So physically I am "recovered" from anorexia (normal BMI). Psychologically I am still battling the same demons because I didn't really get time to deal with it all before the binge eating hit. Physically (and certainly to some extent mentally), however, I am now struggling with the mother of all binge eating habits and it's has me more frightened than the anorexia ever did. A carbohydrate addiction and sugar dependency like something I've never known before. Both my brain functions and my body have been affected. It's destroying me.

I am 24 years old but I have to be treated like a child who is desperately trying to get at the cookie jar. My family have locked pretty much everything away in cupboards and I'm no longer allowed to go out alone - or if I do, I can't have money on me. I have recently started back at the gym and am doing C25k on the treadmill at home but even my workouts are being monitored to ensure I don't over-exercise to compensate for the binges. I feel so ashamed. So dirty. So out of control.

What more can I do? How can I stop it? WHY can't I stop it? I would rather die than carry on another day like this.

Replies

  • ChaseAlder
    ChaseAlder Posts: 804 Member
    The only thing I can suggest is trying to find SOMEthing else to do besides eat and work out. Do you have a job or go to school? Do you have hobbies? You've got to find something else to occupy your mind or you'll drive yourself into insanity! It sounds to me like you spend your whole day obssessing about food, trying to get food, despairing because you can't have food, eating food, and then feeling shame about it and trying to burn it all off. That is absolutely my definition of hell.

    You've got to realize that food is just fuel for your body, it exists to sustain you and it can be pleasurable, but you know you'll feel unwell after eating 5000 calories in a sitting, so you've got to get a grip on that. Sometimes I pre-log something I'm considering eating and when I see how many calories it will rack up, I skip it all together. Or I imagine a bloated stomach, cramping, etc. I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel strong and light and healthy.

    That's about as gentle as I can be.
  • docturtle
    docturtle Posts: 156 Member
    I am sorry for your struggles. Does logging your food diary help at all? Have you made it public to your fitness pals? For me, usually, knowing that my fitness pals can see just what I'm eating and drinking (cause I log everything) helps me to at least scale back, but not so much this week I'm afraid, since I lost a friend to a snowmobile accident, I don't really care this week and just want comfort food and drinks but I will get back at it when the funeral services are over. I have not been in your situation so I'm not one to give advice, if holding yourself accountable isn't working, but I just wanted to write and wish you well. (HUG)
  • Cait_Sidhe
    Cait_Sidhe Posts: 3,150 Member
    I've never been there so I really don't know what to say. I think it's a good thing that you recognise that you have a problem and you are working towards fixing it. Give yourself some credit. And give the therapy some more time. This doesn't sound like a quick fix issue.
  • InTenn
    InTenn Posts: 99
    I have never dealt with that particular challenge, but I have had challenges of my own. I can tell you that one thing that helps me with problems is prayer. I will ask God to give you the strength and tools and attitude that you need to deal with this. To the extent you can (I don't presume to know you or your faith), maybe you could take the problem to Him and ask for help. Especially when it is at its worst.

    I hope this doesn't sound preachy, but God has helped me through a lot of problems. He is big and can help. Prayer is the means to ask for help and turn it over to Him. If you have been praying about it, simply continue to do so.

    Other than that, I can only advise that you continue to rely on your family and your professional medical help. They are smarter than me when it comes to this kind of thing.
  • lose8stone
    lose8stone Posts: 10
    There is obviously something in the background that is making you 'punish' yourself in this way. it seems like the anorexia followed by the binges are almost like self-harming, although you're not doing it as obviously as cutting yourself or anything like that. I had a friend fairly similar, who used to do things like that to herself (not eat, then binge). She went on anti-depressants, and it took a while, but that combined with counselling helped her hugely. I think in some ways, people always telling her what to do and how to live her life when she first became ill made her even worse in a sort of 'go away and let me lead my own life kind' of way, as people were constantly telling her to eat, and what to do. I wonder if she had been given positive help rather than being constantly told what to do all the time would have made a difference. I think though that also, when people were telling her what to do, she could blame them when things went wrong rather than taking the wrap herself for bad lifestyle choices.

    i think the best thing you can do is open up to someone, and tell them what has mentally upset you to a point that you feel you can do this to yourself. Often it is a way of controlling one thing you do, as someone else has taken control of another part of your life.

    I hope you manage to find a good solution, and wish you all the best x
  • Samantha44145
    Samantha44145 Posts: 66 Member
    Sweetie I feel for you. I really do. And I know that you don't want to hear this but if it's spiraled that far out of control where you can't even breathe in your normal life, you might be better off trying an in-house program where you are not on your own with constant hovering from family.
  • mactaffy84
    mactaffy84 Posts: 398 Member
    Sweetie I feel for you. I really do. And I know that you don't want to hear this but if it's spiraled that far out of control where you can't even breathe in your normal life, you might be better off trying an in-house program where you are not on your own with constant hovering from family.

    This, exactly. I know the thought of it is scary. It is like giving up control of your life and body, but if it feels that overwhelming for you now, then this might be something you should at least look into. Sometimes we need to give up all control over a problem before we can re-learn how to handle said problem. At least in-patient, you would be safe and could direct all your energies into getting better.

    Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

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