a little about me and an unexpected NSV

I joined MFP in October of 2011 weighing 136 lbs. I logged religiously for about 8 months, lost weight but it was never enough. I couldn't stand my body. I wanted to be "thinner." I wanted to be faster. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be better but I had no clear idea of what "better" even looked like. In a vicious cycle of fasting, binging, purging through excessive exercise, laxatives, and self induced vomiting, and abuse of caffeine and diet pills, my weight ranged from 140 to 110 and back again. After a 13 day water fast, I left for a bit, searching for a more peaceful relationship with my body specifically and with food and exercise in general through eating disorder treatment.

In September 2012, I ran in my first race, a trail 1/2 marathon. I hated training, the hours on a treadmill, the frustration, the fear of being a DNF.... but I loved every second of the two hours, fifty eight minutes and fifty two seconds it took me to finish. I discovered I love to run.... but only outside and only for joy, not to burn calories.

Around this time, I had a fitness test at my gym. I weighed 111lbs (at 5'1") and had 27% body fat. I took this information with a grain of salt. My weight was an "okay" number to the warped part of my brain. Somehow health and body fat meant less.

I have continued my journey towards health. I've had a rough couple of months, relapsing into some of my old patterns with food, but really trying to heal myself. I discovered dance and ballet, a form of "exercise" I genuinely love, not just because of the calories it burns, but because of how I feel when I move. I have more good days than bad though I still struggle.

Yesterday I was doing some calculations for tdee and realized I didn't have a good idea of my body fat %. This morning I asked at my gym for the same fitness test. I weighed 122 lbs and my body fat was 20.4%. I was hoping for anything under 25% so to see a number so near the range of athletes shocked me.

So, here's to doing what you love and eating what you need and leaving the rest.

Thanks for reading.