Someone Please tell me a joke

......So, I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So, just for kicks, I told her "No, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, but I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time; but I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms." I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet! All you have to do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "No. I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *kitten* and a car hit me." I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard. Moral of this story is that you better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Grilled Cheese sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender says "We don't serve strings in here."
The rope musses up one end and twists himself around. Says "Give me a drink."
Bartender says "Aren't you a piece of string?"
String says "No. I'm afraid not."

......So, I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So, just for kicks, I told her "No, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, but I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time; but I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms." I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet! All you have to do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "No. I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *kitten* and a car hit me." I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard. Moral of this story is that you better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

I'm usually pretty quiet on the boards but this cracked me up! Thanks! :laugh:

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat when it's raining?

Polly unsaturated.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

FSH.

......So, I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So, just for kicks, I told her "No, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, but I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time; but I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms." I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet! All you have to do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "No. I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *kitten* and a car hit me." I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard. Moral of this story is that you better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

That was hilarious. I am laughing so hard right now.

With duck season upon us I taught I would just tole all you duck hunters bout my ole duck dog. His name was Phideaux dat is pronounced fido for you dat cant spoke french. He was da best duck dog in all southeast Texas and southwest Louisiana.

One day i say to myself "Self you need a new country Cadillac real bad." Now a country Cadillac is a pick up truck for those of you what dont know bout tings lack dat. So I took myself to da Bank and see my good friend Boudreaux cause he is da one what gives you da money ta buy dat truck.

First ting he ask me "what kind of collateral you got," I say "I aint got no collateral"and he say "I can't loan you da money what you don't have no collateral, you sure you ain't got nuthin?"

Well I think fer a minute and I say "all I got is my dog Phideaux what hunts dem ducks. Boudreaux knew dat was da best duck dog in two states and he say "You let me take dat dog with me to where them yankees live in Memphis Tennessee for a duck hunt and I will loan you da money." He know how good that dog can hunt dem ducks.

Well I taught about dat for a minute and said ok but you got to take good care of Phideaux and make sure he back here when I pay you fer dat truck. Boudreax say "OK" and give me da money.

Well ole Boudreaux took dat dog up there and went huntin with his big banker friends and then he come home. I was a missin my ole dog so I go over to Boudreaux's house and say "I come to visit my dog." Boudreaux say "I ain't got your dog." I ask him why and he say "I had ta shoot dat dog." So tell me why you got to shoot my dog. Boudreaux say "well it's a long story."

I took dat dog up there where dem yankee lives in Memphis Tennesse for dat duck hunt. They were amazed when I tole dat dog go hunt a duck on dat first pond. Dat dog snuck up on his belly jus like a alligator to dat pond and looked out across da reeds and come crawling back to dem bankers.

When ole Boudreaux say "how many ducks on dat pond Phideaux?" Dat dog bark five times. Boudreaux say dare five ducks on dat pond. One of dem yankee fellers snuck up on dat pond and sure enuf he see five ducks. He raised his shoot gun carribean (dat a shotgun for you dat dont spoke french) and shoot all five of dem ducks. He could do dat cause da game warden aint there - if he was he could only shoot tree of dem ducks.

Dem banker fellas up dare couldn't believe what dat dog did so day say lets go to another pond. So they went to another pond and Phideaux he snuck up on his belly like a alligator and looked thru da reeds. Well he snuck back away from dat pond and grabbed a big ole stick in his mouth and got all excited and started shaking dat stick around barking like crazy and hittin dem bankers on da leg wid it and barking some more den shaking dat stick and slobberin all on his self! Den dat damn dog grabbed one of dem bankers and started humpin his leg real disgraceful like, lay his head back, hung his tongue out, and rolled his eyes to da back of his head he did...dat dog was plumb crazy.

Well dem bankers get scared thinking he might have the hydra phoby and say "do sumthin wid dat dog Boudreax he goin crazy as a looney for dog gone sure." Well I try to call him away and I try and caught him but he to fast for me and he just kept shaking dat stick in his mouth barkin slobberin; humpin his back, moaning, and just plumb scaring dem bankers - so I just shoot dat crazy dog.

Whale lemme tell ya, I was shocked. I sit there awhile wit my head hang down tinkin he just don't know bout Phideaux. Ai-yi-yi - I finally look up and say "Boudreaux, Boudreaux...damn man, don't you know what dat dog was trying to tol all of you bout dat pond?" Boudreaux just shake his head and say "what was dat dog trying to told me?"

Boudreaux.....look at me, I got dem tears in mah eyes.... damn Boudreaux ....poor Phideaux.... he was trying to tol you der was more effin ducks on dat pond than you could shook a stick at...