Weight loss and your spouse

littlebre33
littlebre33 Posts: 318
in Chit-Chat
A few days ago I was talking to my boyfriend about how excited I am to lose weight this time around, after having my second child 4.5 months back. He told met hat he was kinda happy and kinda not happy about it, saing that he was worried that when I lose my weight that we will clash heads and that may be the breaking point of us (due to increased confidence I guess?). I can understand if I looked like Angelina Jolie or something but otherwise I don't get it? Has anyone else ever experienced this??

Replies

  • hearthemelody
    hearthemelody Posts: 1,025 Member
    A wise one once said, anything can break a weak relationship.

    It sounds like he is a little insecure.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    To be honest, I've thought that about my wife. Probably stems from some stupid voice in the back of my head that alwasy says a person is only as faithful as their options. Sad, I know. We laugh about it though.

    Maybe yours is different.
  • ShaunShaunphenomenon
    ShaunShaunphenomenon Posts: 141 Member
    Hello,

    This is a widely known topic on these boards. The other person is often jealous. My G.F. Sometimes doesn't believe that I am actually at the gym and then when I actually started to watch what I was eating and started to push myself harder and she seen that I was actually losing weight and gaining muscle she was scared to lose me. I assume this is a similar way with your boyfriend. The thing is guys are sometimes like kids, we won't just come out and tell you what is wrong, perhaps he just needs reassurance that you are going to love him.

    Perhaps you would want to include him in this? perhaps it is something you can do together and help one and other?

    I know because I've been there and done that, it helps sometimes if you include your other in the workout you are doing, and perhaps send him on his own workout routine.
  • RMeDude
    RMeDude Posts: 37
    My spouse asked me last night how much more I was going to lose? She said I was going to look like skin and bones, yet I am nowhere close to that. i try to encourage her, and get he active with me, but it never works. She still pokes fun at me for watching what I eat, and I am not sure what is going on! Thanks for sharing, I thought I was the only one!
  • littlebre33
    littlebre33 Posts: 318
    Well, I only do my little work out videos at home because I can't seem to get out of the house with 2 kids ages 2 and 4.5 months. He wants to get back into shape which I encourage, the only problem is that he wants to go to the gym everyday after work for a few hours but I get upset because I am at home all day with the kids and I henever I want a bit of a "break" it's a big deal. Now that my youngest is a bit older maybe I can try the babysitters at the gyms. I just find it weird, that he's worried about me leaving because I am thinner. I was 20 lbs lighter when we met and I was happy with him then too. Why do people get so insecure??
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    Why do people get so insecure??

    I have issues I guess.

    But sounds like you are going through some normally growing pains when kids are part of the family dynamic. Good luck!
  • Maximumresults
    Maximumresults Posts: 175
    keep the lines of communication open and building the trust together all along the journey...this should be a positive in your relationship and life in many many ways..
  • Sambytheway82
    Sambytheway82 Posts: 500
    My hubby thinks the same but he wants me to lose the weigh but not go out walking or to the gym. It's hard getting the balance right with everything I'm sure he hunks every time I go out walking with the dog I meeting someone when I'm not!, we've got 4 kids from 9 to 2 so it's hard to find time getting out x
  • LowFatMama
    LowFatMama Posts: 625 Member
    He sounds insecure, and why ?? Because your gorgeous ! :bigsmile: But he should be excited & proud to have someone like you on his arm ! And he should be happy that your trying to get back in shape, and not letting having a baby be an excuse to your weight gain. Keep it up girly, for you & to stay healthy for your kiddos!
  • 2credneck208
    2credneck208 Posts: 501 Member
    First of all you're already gorgeous, second my husband is kind of the same way. Not that we won't work, but I can tell he's getting insecure. I just keep doing my thang, and you should too. Either he'll stay with you or he won't, and if he doesn't its his loss.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
    I agree that he sounds a little insecure. Talk to him lots, show affection just as much, reassure him...that sort of thing. He'll soon realise the benefits and get more confident :)
  • avababy05
    avababy05 Posts: 930 Member
    My boyfriend of 8 years was like this when I started losing weight about three years ago.Then,Ironically enough,he cheated on ME with a heavier person. Right now,I'm all about me.:smile:
  • rompers16
    rompers16 Posts: 5,404 Member
    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone. - Bill Cosby

    Do what you need to do for you and hopefully your efforts will encourage him to follow suit. Good luck :)
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
    My wife is totally against me and my fitness goals. We butt heads all the time about this. But, I'm not going anywhere and will just have to prove that to her I guess. And yes, it's a lot of insecurity on her part. Bottom line, while we are married its still my life and my goals and my health. She's just going to have to put her big girl pants on and deal with it!! (and ssshhhhh...lets keep that last comment between us) haha
  • bloodysore
    bloodysore Posts: 77 Member
    In all honesty, I was on the other side of this a few months ago. When my wife started to loose weight and track calories on MFP, I was very angry with her. I was at a point where I was sure that we would always be fat, unhappy, and die young. I resented her for having the motivation to change that. I was scared that she would loose weight and then realize how lame I was. I was so scared of loosing her that I started to track my calories too. It only took 9 days!
    Now, 6 months later, I'm right there with her. We compare calorie burns and encourage each other. Hopefully things will turn out well for you too.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    My fiance jokingly says that from time to time. I think it's a worry all partners have when their SO decides to get into better shape. They're afraid that once you get fit, you'll upgrade. It's so silly.....
  • beckieboomoo
    beckieboomoo Posts: 590 Member
    My mr is happy either way, he likes bigger girls with curves , so he says he loves the way i look now but he says it will be the same when i've lost weight because he says i will still be beautiful and sexy to him :) i just hope its true :)
  • n2thenight24
    n2thenight24 Posts: 1,651 Member
    I lost weight, and left my husband, so maybe he's on my facebook?
  • 3RachaelFaith3
    3RachaelFaith3 Posts: 283 Member
    wow, all I can say is at least he is honest about it. Most men won't admit it, but go about trying to sabotage weight loss, or just being an *kitten* in general about it. Maybe him being honest can open communication about both of your feelings caused by you getting fit. Negative and positive. I don't know. I feel like it's a better start than him just being upset and not telling you why or the root of it. Try talking it out. Communication is everything in a relationship. Trust is as well, but without communication you can't even have trust.
  • DrMAvDPhD
    DrMAvDPhD Posts: 2,097 Member
    I can understand if I looked like Angelina Jolie or something but otherwise I don't get it? Has anyone else ever experienced this??

    The fact that you think you'd cheat/leave if you were pretty enough should help you understand why he feels this way.
  • littlebre33
    littlebre33 Posts: 318
    I can understand if I looked like Angelina Jolie or something but otherwise I don't get it? Has anyone else ever experienced this??

    The fact that you think you'd cheat/leave if you were pretty enough should help you understand why he feels this way.

    I wasn't implying I would leave him even if i looked like her. I was simply saying if someone were uber good looking that there's more of a chance a guy(spouse) may feel more insecure..
  • DrMAvDPhD
    DrMAvDPhD Posts: 2,097 Member
    I can understand if I looked like Angelina Jolie or something but otherwise I don't get it? Has anyone else ever experienced this??

    The fact that you think you'd cheat/leave if you were pretty enough should help you understand why he feels this way.

    I wasn't implying I would leave him even if i looked like her. I was simply saying if someone were uber good looking that there's more of a chance a guy(spouse) may feel more insecure..

    I'm guessing he already thinks you're attractive, and here you are threatening to get more attractive..... :wink:
  • LetsMakeupXtina
    LetsMakeupXtina Posts: 627 Member
    that's his insecurities talking... we ALL have something we feel a little, or a lot, insecure about. Just assure him it won't change anything with the relationship, and make sure it doesn't... because it can change the relationship if you allow it to, I have seen it happen!
  • amsmall
    amsmall Posts: 4
    Hi, littlebre33,
    I didn't read that inference into what you wrote; seems to me that your intent is to stay no matter how much weight you lose. True? And congrats on making healthy change!

    I'm getting a doctorate degree in holistic health and I couldn't be valid in that field being overweight. Plus, I was just ready to get healthy. My husband belittled my dietary changes at first, though he's athletic and encouraged my new exercise routine. He's been insecure, afraid that I'd leave him when I finish my degree, and afraid that I would make him change *his* unhealthy diet. I've had to do a lot to assure him that with all the changes I'm making, he's not being left behind. I introduced him to all my school friends, tell him he's wonderful (which is true) and thank him for his supporting my exercise, and now he buys me the healthy food I want to eat! And I never critique his diet. We take walks together every evening, too, which is time for us to connect without distractions. I know you have two little ones, and it's winter so it may be very cold where you are, but maybe taking some walks with the hubby and the stroller with babies well bundled-up can help. And get some playdates and sitters arranged when you can, to allow that uninterrupted couple time. Good luck and continue to be good to yourself!
  • annbillingsley
    annbillingsley Posts: 60 Member
    I know I am like your significant other. My bf has always thought fat people were disgusting and still does, even though he is very overweight. He thinks fat people are lazy, etc. We met and I was close to 300lbs and he said right off the bat we could NEVER have a relationship because of my age (I am 10 yr older) and my weight. Then he got to know me and said he was wrong. fast forward to now and he decides he wants to lose weight (he gets obsessions for a while and then drops them. he used to be vegan for 2.5 years and didn't weigh much less than he does now). Anyway, part of the reason is pure insecurity on my part. I am scared that if he gets down to his goal weight, he will see my fat instead of me.
    part of the reason i hate it is because he has gone through several obsessions in the time that we have been together and from everything I see, this is no different. his last videogame was becoming boring to him and with the new year and all the hype about resolutions and losing weight, he chose losing weight as his obsession. He is currently "borrowing" exercise calories from one day to put on other days so he can eat more that day and not feel like he is on a diet. I feel that he is just trying to justify eating crappy. it's one thing to eat crappy and own it, a whole other thing to lie your exercise calories to justify it to yourself. He also seems to not understand that him doing this turns everyone's life into upheaval. I make the food, so now *i* have to do the work. My food budget is completely toast. I can easily spend 100 a week on nothing but fruit and veggies. all for something he is going to lose interest in. it is a predictable cycle and has been his whole life. when he get bored of this he will find something else to be obsessed about. he did this as a vegan.
    the third thing is that it brings up jealousy and issues of self-esteem. I get completely competitive, because I was ALWAYS the fat kid. When he saw that he weighed more than me, he sulked and made a big deal of it for a while, then when I gained weight due to stress and depression and I weighed more than him, he did a happy dance and made sure to vocalize his weight. My self-esteem is in the gutter as it is, and although I need to get it for myself, it makes it very hard when your partner is gloating about how great they are doing while knowing how much of a loser they are feeling they are. most ppl wouldn't wave a pizza in front of a dieter, would they? then why is would someone (my bf) think it is ok to flaunt his s uccess? I have told him I just cannot be part of it and I want nothing to do with it. but i also know i have a helluva lot of issues.

    being the person on the other side, all I can say is that you do what you need to do, but also find out the reason why he feels as he does. maybe he just can't be your support person because he has his own demons to fight and it is just too hard to help you deal with yours. and that is why you have others. I have asked the bf to seek ppl out on here bc i just cannot deal with both our demons. and really talk about it. i have explained my reasons (i have always been super morbidly obese) and that I am happy for him and wish him luck, I just don't have enough emotional strength to deal with the issues it raises in my own head and be there 100% for him as well. other things, hell yes, but not this.

    I know I sound horrible now :(
  • ingeh
    ingeh Posts: 513 Member
    My bf says Im fine as I am and dont need to lose weight now. I had a baby 3 months ago and lost 18lbs so im doing good, Im working out at home 1-1.5hrs a day 3-4 days a week with youtube, and I have a 2 yr old so I know its hard to exercise with kids!
    He does the "who are you doing yourself up for?" question when Im getting ready and putting make up on and caring about my appearance. I know he wants to lsoe weight so with him it might be reflecting his issues. He'll buy doughnuts knowing I cant have them so hes not the most positive role in my life at the moment.
  • Rage_Phish
    Rage_Phish Posts: 1,507 Member
    wow, all I can say is at least he is honest about it. Most men won't admit it, but go about trying to sabotage weight loss, or just being an *kitten* in general about it. Maybe him being honest can open communication about both of your feelings caused by you getting fit. Negative and positive. I don't know. I feel like it's a better start than him just being upset and not telling you why or the root of it. Try talking it out. Communication is everything in a relationship. Trust is as well, but without communication you can't even have trust.

    Sorry, but "most" men wont do this
  • robot_potato
    robot_potato Posts: 1,535 Member
    Insecurity at it's finest. My husband was a bit insecure at first too. He asked if I was getting ready to leave him. He loves me no mater what size or shape i may be, and didn't understand why i wanted to change. I told him that I am doing this for me and nobody else. I didn't like the way I looked or felt. He of course gets to reap the benefits of a sexy, confident wife. I can't very well grow old with him if I die of a heart attack at 40. He understands now and he's always been very supportive.
  • avababy05
    avababy05 Posts: 930 Member
    I know I am like your significant other. My bf has always thought fat people were disgusting and still does, even though he is very overweight. He thinks fat people are lazy, etc. We met and I was close to 300lbs and he said right off the bat we could NEVER have a relationship because of my age (I am 10 yr older) and my weight. Then he got to know me and said he was wrong. fast forward to now and he decides he wants to lose weight (he gets obsessions for a while and then drops them. he used to be vegan for 2.5 years and didn't weigh much less than he does now). Anyway, part of the reason is pure insecurity on my part. I am scared that if he gets down to his goal weight, he will see my fat instead of me.
    part of the reason i hate it is because he has gone through several obsessions in the time that we have been together and from everything I see, this is no different. his last videogame was becoming boring to him and with the new year and all the hype about resolutions and losing weight, he chose losing weight as his obsession. He is currently "borrowing" exercise calories from one day to put on other days so he can eat more that day and not feel like he is on a diet. I feel that he is just trying to justify eating crappy. it's one thing to eat crappy and own it, a whole other thing to lie your exercise calories to justify it to yourself. He also seems to not understand that him doing this turns everyone's life into upheaval. I make the food, so now *i* have to do the work. My food budget is completely toast. I can easily spend 100 a week on nothing but fruit and veggies. all for something he is going to lose interest in. it is a predictable cycle and has been his whole life. when he get bored of this he will find something else to be obsessed about. he did this as a vegan.
    the third thing is that it brings up jealousy and issues of self-esteem. I get completely competitive, because I was ALWAYS the fat kid. When he saw that he weighed more than me, he sulked and made a big deal of it for a while, then when I gained weight due to stress and depression and I weighed more than him, he did a happy dance and made sure to vocalize his weight. My self-esteem is in the gutter as it is, and although I need to get it for myself, it makes it very hard when your partner is gloating about how great they are doing while knowing how much of a loser they are feeling they are. most ppl wouldn't wave a pizza in front of a dieter, would they? then why is would someone (my bf) think it is ok to flaunt his s uccess? I have told him I just cannot be part of it and I want nothing to do with it. but i also know i have a helluva lot of issues.

    being the person on the other side, all I can say is that you do what you need to do, but also find out the reason why he feels as he does. maybe he just can't be your support person because he has his own demons to fight and it is just too hard to help you deal with yours. and that is why you have others. I have asked the bf to seek ppl out on here bc i just cannot deal with both our demons. and really talk about it. i have explained my reasons (i have always been super morbidly obese) and that I am happy for him and wish him luck, I just don't have enough emotional strength to deal with the issues it raises in my own head and be there 100% for him as well. other things, hell yes, but not this.

    I know I sound horrible now :(

    All I can say is WOW! I hope you find your strength! Add me if you want.

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