Yet another dating dilema

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beautsarah
beautsarah Posts: 151 Member
in Motivation and Support
The day I decide the weight was enough, I decided there were many things in my life that I needed to fix and not just the weight. One of the first things that had to go were men. So I decided to stay single until I felt like I was satisfied with not only my weight but my health in general.

A little background on my dating history. They are so kind, respectful, sweet, and all around lovely people. But I'm not sure if it's just human nature or just my nature I always focused on their flaws, and never really appreciated them. And as karma would have it the last couple of guys I've dated have been complete jerks. I was in bed one night thinking, Sarah you wouldn't want your future daughter to date a guy like this, why is it okay for you. I'm started to see that as my confidence level had gone down so had the way I viewed my self worth. And it's sad but a lot of these feelings have been tied to my weight. So I think that's why I accepted things that the tools would do, because I would have NEVER accepted that in the past. Even though it's been a painful lesson am honestly so grateful that I've gone through it because it has really taught me not only how I want to be treated, but how I should be treating others. So that's why my plan was to focus on myself and remain single.

My dilemma: I have recently come across an amazing guy. He's kind, sweet, so considerate, rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns etc, but am I a complete idiot for still not being ready. My heart tells me to focus on continuing my goals and then my head tells me why are you passing up this guy who pretty darn great.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Has there been anyone else that has taken a hiatus from dating to focus on this? Do you have any advice?
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Replies

  • svtrich
    svtrich Posts: 24
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    if hes a good one,you better grab him before some else does. Im sure your mom told you ' good men are had to find' . I know you have goals but , being single sucks:frown: just my 2 cents
  • dad106
    dad106 Posts: 4,868 Member
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    If your not ready, then your not ready.

    I'll be 25 on Sunday, and can count on one hand the number of people I've dated.. Each lasting a month or less.
    Does it bother me that I'm still single? A bit.
    Then I remember what a pain in the *kitten* dating is, and how much I despise it... and that's enough to keep me single for a while longer!
  • george29223
    george29223 Posts: 556 Member
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    ohhhhhhh good looking single ladies talking what a perfect time to do my boom chugga lugga walk and look over my shoulder to flutter my eyes
  • Sixel
    Sixel Posts: 57 Member
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    Really up to you.

    My advice would be that you try to be as honest with yourself and him as possible. What every one else says is of no consequence.

    If you're ready for it, you could use this as an opportunity to test how well you've gotten at setting and imposing limits. It is hard but it is possible to combine personal goals and dating. Sometimes guys can take it slowly and be supportive.

    As I said, you are the only one to know what to do with this one. Good luck!
  • lucylousmummy
    lucylousmummy Posts: 348 Member
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    been there done that lol, i came out of an abusive marriage and basically comfort ate for a few years whilst swearing off men, i hadnt put that much weight on and to the outside world i was a bubbly confident person but inside i was still a quivering wreck, i met a man who at first made me feel like a princess but over time the petty insults started, you no the sort, your an ugly cow nobody else will want you, your to fat for anybody to love etc etc, the final straw came when he told me i wasnt good enough to have his children!!!!!!! not that i was planning on having any, so i got rid of him i figured id had way to many put downs by a man who looked like a cross between yoda and shrek, again i swore off men but............. a month later i met a wonderful man who was kind, lovely, thoughtful and i fancied him rotton, after some misgivings i agreed to go out on a date with him, we took it slowly and spent more time talking on the phone in the first 4 months than we did face to face, i eventually decided to jump in head first and give it a proper go....... we have been married 7 years this year and he is still the same wonderful man that i first met

    sometimes its worth the risk, but only you can make that decision
    good luckx
  • wikitbikit
    wikitbikit Posts: 518 Member
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    As others have said, it's ultimately up to you whether you're ready or not, but try to keep in mind that life doesn't always work in an orderly fashion. There are a lot of things that, if we sat down and really thought about it, we would never truly be ready for--we could always use a little more money, a little more time, a little less distraction and so on to make things "perfect."

    If it were me, I'd give him a chance and I would try to make sure I held tightly on to my 'me time' and kept my goals in focus. When I get in relationships I tend to lose sight of myself to some extent, and that makes it harder to deal with the inevitable issues that come up in all relationships.

    Either way, best of luck :)
  • theos_human
    theos_human Posts: 21 Member
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    I can completely see where you are coming from, trying to focus on your fitness goals.

    But my advice (if it's worth it!) is to try and see! Sometimes new relationships can be all whirl-windy and you get wrapped up in it, but as long as you take time for yourself, it could be amazing- who knows- he could be a great one! Sometimes the things you're not sure you're ready for surprise you the most. My boyfriend and I have started to get competitive at the gym- he's not trying to lose any weight, but it's nice that he's supportive, and pushes me even further towards my goals.

    Whatever you do, make sure it keeps you happy, healthy, and yourself :)
  • AndreaMerrill
    AndreaMerrill Posts: 24 Member
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    I'd go for it! I am not happy with where I am fitness or weight wise yet - but I went for it and couldn't be happier. I also know he loves me for me and not my looks because when I get to my goal I'm going to rock his world :-) It wonderful knowing that he's going to love me larger or smaller!
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
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    You're not ready because you don't want distractions from working on your weight loss goal, or because you don't feel emotionally ready to deal with dating someone?

    If it's the first, then I'd have to say, life can't be put on hold until you lose weight. If it helps, let him know you are focusing on your goal and that it is important to you. I mean mentioning it casually, not boring him with endless details of your diet and workouts. A lot of dates can revolve around food (dinner, events with food, etc.) so it would be helpful for him to know upfront that you are on a mission to lose weight and need time for workouts and things like that.

    If it's the second, then I still really can't say to pass him up. When I met my boyfriend, I had just gotten out of a rotten relationship and had sworn off men. I took a chance anyway, and we are still together over 7 years later. That doesn't mean it will always workout, but you also won't know if you don't try.
  • legnarevocrednu
    legnarevocrednu Posts: 467 Member
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    You have the right to reevaluate as you go along. That being said, just tell him you want to take things slow. You want to get to know him better before making any kind of commitment. Get to know him as a friend. Yeah, I wouldn't pass up a good guy who gives you those kind of feelings! I'm still waiting for the butterflys myself...
  • jenniferdlake
    jenniferdlake Posts: 33
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    If he is a great guy, then he will lift you up and encourage you as you continue to learn to love yourself. You can put your main focus on getting healthy, but it is always nice to have a cheerleader. Maybe he could be that for you. Like others have said, good guys are hard to find. Believe me, I'm doing the single thing as well. And I've always been told that as soon as I stop looking, Mr. Wonderful will come along. There is the chance that has happened for you. I wouldn't completely rule him out if you are feeling he could be Mr. Right. But whatever you decide, good luck!
  • RobynLB
    RobynLB Posts: 617 Member
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    Staying single seems like an arbitrary goal. In and of itself, staying single doesn't actually accomplish anything. Why not change your goal from staying single to having a healthy relationship and still working on your personal goals? Just take it nice and easy, and you should still have time for yourself and your goals, and someone awesome to encourage you.
  • thingal12
    thingal12 Posts: 302 Member
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    You're not ready because you don't want distractions from working on your weight loss goal, or because you don't feel emotionally ready to deal with dating someone?

    If it's the first, then I'd have to say, life can't be put on hold until you lose weight. If it helps, let him know you are focusing on your goal and that it is important to you. I mean mentioning it casually, not boring him with endless details of your diet and workouts. A lot of dates can revolve around food (dinner, events with food, etc.) so it would be helpful for him to know upfront that you are on a mission to lose weight and need time for workouts and things like that.

    If it's the second, then I still really can't say to pass him up. When I met my boyfriend, I had just gotten out of a rotten relationship and had sworn off men. I took a chance anyway, and we are still together over 7 years later. That doesn't mean it will always workout, but you also won't know if you don't try.

    ^^ this answer
  • Richie2shoes
    Richie2shoes Posts: 412 Member
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    A good guy will help you reach the rest of your goals. You don't have to sacrifice one for the other.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Date him, but don't sleep with him yet. I'm serious. Apparently not sleeping with someone until you've been dating awhile allows you to handle the emotional and logical parts without influence of the physical relationship.

    Don't put the rest of your life on hold until you accomplish a goal when you can accomplish it and be happy in other ways. If he's as great as you say, someone else will snatch him up.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    Date him, but don't sleep with him yet. I'm serious. Apparently not sleeping with someone until you've been dating awhile allows you to handle the emotional and logical parts without influence of the physical relationship.

    Don't put the rest of your life on hold until you accomplish a goal when you can accomplish it and be happy in other ways. If he's as great as you say, someone else will snatch him up.

    ^^This. As one person here already said though, you need to be honest with yourself. Are you worried about weight loss or are you just not ready to get back out there? If it's the latter, I totally understand. It's hard to want to get up and go through it all over again when you are still smarting from the last one. I'd like to think though that if it's right, you will feel it.
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    give it a try! try to balance your goals with your personal life and see how it goes.. if its too overwhelming then maybe its just not the right time.
  • crabbok
    crabbok Posts: 66 Member
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    The day I decide the weight was enough, I decided there were many things in my life that I needed to fix and not just the weight. One of the first things that had to go were men. So I decided to stay single until I felt like I was satisfied with not only my weight but my health in general.

    A little background on my dating history. They are so kind, respectful, sweet, and all around lovely people. But I'm not sure if it's just human nature or just my nature I always focused on their flaws, and never really appreciated them. And as karma would have it the last couple of guys I've dated have been complete jerks. I was in bed one night thinking, Sarah you wouldn't want your future daughter to date a guy like this, why is it okay for you. I'm started to see that as my confidence level had gone down so had the way I viewed my self worth. And it's sad but a lot of these feelings have been tied to my weight. So I think that's why I accepted things that the tools would do, because I would have NEVER accepted that in the past. Even though it's been a painful lesson am honestly so grateful that I've gone through it because it has really taught me not only how I want to be treated, but how I should be treating others. So that's why my plan was to focus on myself and remain single.

    My dilemma: I have recently come across an amazing guy. He's kind, sweet, so considerate, rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns etc, but am I a complete idiot for still not being ready. My heart tells me to focus on continuing my goals and then my head tells me why are you passing up this guy who pretty darn great.

    I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Has there been anyone else that has taken a hiatus from dating to focus on this? Do you have any advice?

    From a male perspective: I had a situation like this once. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stick with this girl I was dating or not. Part of me wanted to be single again, part of me though, was afraid to lose her. I think when you find something special it can be extremely hard to think straight and have true clarity. I certainly had no clarity at all. So I took a chance decided to stick it out, and now we've been married over 5 years, have 2 wonderful kids, and life is really very good. Not perfect, and not a fairy tale, but really, very good. Take a chance. He sounds like a nice guy.
  • lulu3561
    lulu3561 Posts: 85 Member
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    Stay focused if you can't find that balance at this point in your journey then if it was to be - he will still be there when you are ready. You are still young and have time to meet that "mr wonderful" but NOW is the time to get healthy the older you get the harder it is. Keep in mind when you lose the weight it doesn't mean those emotional scares are gone. Wishing you the best on your journey.

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