Baby fever :(

MSeel1984 · February 2013

I genuinely just want advice. I'm struggling a little bit.

My husband and I decided early on before we got married that we were going to wait a while to have kids after we got married (10 years was what we agreed on, which would put me in my late thirties by the time we start trying).

I was completely on board with that...even until last month. The past few weeks, however, I've started to feel a little differently...no thanks to that biological clock which I always believed was not really as powerful as other women with children had told me.

Long story short, my husband and I are on different pages now with regard to kids. I'm not saying I want them this year...or even the next two years...but maybe the next five? He may change his mind as he gets older, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing he definitely will.

I just don't know how to kind of make myself come to terms with the idea of waiting for 10 years.

To complicate things I'm a type I diabetic and have been since I was a teenager...the longer I wait, the higher the risks/more complicated the pregnancy would be. I don't know what to do or what things I could do to kind of make myself focus less on it? Any advice from people who have been in similar situations?

If all you have to say are mean things or rude things....please don't post. It took a lot for me to bring myself to ask for advice. I only say this because I'm all too familiar with how rude some people are on these forums-let's just be honest.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.

lozla86 · February 2013

Hey sewwtie, did you sit down and chat with him last night regarding how you felt? I know its really hard my hubby said to me today (at work in front of everyone) that he doesnt want to try at all this year. I broke down in tears so i can not even imagine how you are feeling. Remember i am hear if you need anything. Sending big HUGS to you xx

usernameMAMA · February 2013

That's a tough situation to be in. On one hand, you agreed to wait and on the other, your human and entitled to change your mind. The unfortunate thing is, if he agrees to have a child now will he become resentful? Having a baby for two people who wanted it is really hard. Of course, by the same token, if you don't want to wait but decide to, you could become resentful towards him. Especially if there is complications from having a baby later. I feel for you, I really do. I would suggest talking about it with him and gauge if you think it could work for you guys. Please keep us updated.

MSeel1984 · February 2013

Lozla, we went out for drinks after work last night to relax, but didn't get the chance to discuss...it didn't seem like the right venue. We're gonna talk over dinner tonight.

Mstyczi, that's what keeps going through my mind. If he agrees he may resent me and worse, he may resent the baby. If he's not emotionally ready for it, I certainly don't want him to shove himself into a situation he's not prepared for.

I'm just trying to figure out how to mentally and emotionally make myself cope and wait until it's the right time-for both of us.

bathsheba_c · February 2013

The important thing is to go into the discussion fully admitting that you had an agreement and that you are now trying to change it. Also, be very clear that you aren't trying to force him into anything, and if he isn't ready to have kids, then that's that.

Is he aware that your health makes it especially risky to wait too long to try to get pregnant? That is a pretty powerful argument.

Lastly, you are seeing now that life can change no matter what our original plans. That makes baby-making a tricky business at any age. It's not really possible to tell when the ideal time is.

butterfli7o · February 2013

I've gotten it now and then, and it may just pass.

Even if it doesn't, if you're okay with waiting a few years, who's to say you don't change your mind back to 10 years, or maybe in that time he'll change his mind and want kids sooner?

jennmodugno · February 2013

When I married my husband, he didn't want kids. At all. It took several years into our marriage for him to come to agree with my desire, but he did it in his own time, with only minimal prompting from me. My advice is to make sure you discuss your health with him, and then talk about your financial security. When will you be able to afford it? Babies, especially first babies, are EXPENSIVE. We want to give them the world, and inevitably we try a million different things that don't work, and they grow insanely fast for the first year or two. Do you want to still go out all the time? Do you like bars? Is that part of your lifestyle? Because quite frankly, it won't be anymore after you have a child, or at least not often.

For the first couple years of my marriage, reminding myself how my life would change was generally enough to get me past baby fever, and now it's remembering how very little sleep I got, haha! Oh, and the potty training. We're going through that now, and let me tell you - when we're done we're going to need a new couch. Kids are expensive in more ways than I ever imagined. :P

cds_momto3 · February 2013

Since you're not wanting kids right away, I wouldn't even have "the talk" with him about it. Just bring things up casually every once in a while, and I would definitely present the health issues, because those are valid concerns. Then maybe this time next year, after having mentioned things here and there pretty regularly, you could have a talk then and see where he's at.

Puggles04 · February 2013

I have 4 kids, and simply put, you never be emotionally ready for child. You can prepare all you want, but you never be fully ready. Once each child is born, it is a completely new learning experience. If you are financially stable, and in good health, talk to him about in the next year or so. You can also bring up the option to not try, AND not use birth control to allow it to happen if it will happen. I think having children while you are young enough to truly enjoy them is best. When you are in your late 30s, no matter how healthy you are, complications and risks are much higher. You can talk to him about starting the process by looking for and finding a good OB now, saving and researching car seats, strollers, cribs, and all of the other necessities. You can start college fund now, a diaper fund, and research cloth diapers vs disposables. You can research school districts, preschools, homeschooling, private schools. If you begin now, you can have a solid idea for what you and his plan will be for your child for the first 5 years. Think about if you are going to stay home or work and have your child in day care. All of the things will come to pass with raising a child.

carrieous · February 2013

i think your husband is being unreasonable and 10 years is too long regardless of what you decided on when you were young

Puggles04 · February 2013

There never will be a "perfect" or "right" time to have children. No matter how much you plan, something will not go as planned.

fpuckett2383 · February 2013

That's a really tough one! I don't feel like anyone can really give you advice because we don't know your personal situation. I would keep discussing it with him, and having a very open and honest coversation. If you still can't reach a conclusion, try going to a mediator, like a therapist or someone that can give you an unbiased opinion.

iana_cass · February 2013

Something else you may not even know is that we Type 1 women may go through menopause as many as 10 years earlier than our "normal" counterparts. I agree with others, just be honest, make sure he knows how you feel, and admit that it wasn't what you agreed to at first.

Hubby and I had by far the WORST year of our lives, including a tubal pregnancy and removal of both my tubes. I thought he didn't want children with me (both our second marriages) but we finally were able to grieve together and he wants a baby with me now, when it's impossible.

Above all, just keep talking to each other!!!

MSeel1984 · February 2013

Thank you all for the very wise, honest and kind advice.

I will approach the topic with him and not pressure him...it meant a lot to have your input. That's one of the many things that makes MFP a great community.

sreed016 · February 2013

Maybe your doctor could explain to your husband the risks of waiting too long for children with your medical condition.

My good friend got married and her doctor told them if they wanted kids they should pretty much have them now. They had two great daughters within a couple years and she eventually had a hysterectomy before she was 30.

My husband wanted to wait for kids and even when we decided to try 4 years later he said he still wasn't ready. However the moment I told him I was pregnant, all that flew out the window because he was so excited.

I hope your husband will have a change of heart also

satxdreq · February 2013

I agree with "cds_momto3" .... I feel that THE TALK will just push your husband into thinking that he has to make a decision now in order to keep you happy. Drop in clues on a weekly basis. Mention how you were reading online and found out how your health situation comes into play when having children. Like you said, yal both were in an agreement so who's to say he wont change his mind the way you are? Me and my husband have a 1 1/2 yr old son and when we had him we said we were going to wait at least 3 years to have another and just the other night I meantioned how we are having so much fun with our son and I cant wait to start working on the next. I didn't pressure him at all. I said "ohh if spring break werent around the corner...lol" and he said "well what about after spring break?" See...men change their minds all the time, just like women

. Just make casual comments and let him see how happy it makes you when you talk about having children and the future and see what happens.

missCherry1977 · February 2013

wow, you aren't even going to start trying till your late 30's? even without any medical issues getting pregnant isn't always as easy as they led you to believe in jr. high. It took me 4 years to have a baby and we started at 30. If there are serious fertility issues it can take a decade.

MSeel1984 · February 2013

wow, you aren't even going to start trying till your late 30's? even without any medical issues getting pregnant isn't always as easy as they led you to believe in jr. high. It took me 4 years to have a baby and we started at 30. If there are serious fertility issues it can take a decade.

That is part of what is worrying me. I spoke with my gynecologist at my annual exam and she said people are waiting later and later in life to start having kids...but I know a lot of couples end up having to go to fertility doctors. I certainly wouldn't want to have to resort IVF or something like that which can be expensive. I'm not saying we'll definitely have these kinds of problems, but it worries me...especially considering that the longer in life I wait, the more brittle my diabetes gets.

treehopper1987 · February 2013

I'm in the opposing view. My husband wants children more than me. Not that he's pressuring me, but he says he would like children one day and that we will never be emotionally ready if it ever happens. In all the years we've discussed it, we have agreed on the "if it happens, it happens" rule. I feel like I have the constant pressure from family, friends and the knowing that I'm getting older. Right now, I feel that if we had a child I may resent those that have "pressured" me. In other words, I'm not ready and my never be ready. You need to really discuss this with him and let him know it's not something right now, but something that you are thinking for your 5-year plan.

Kelley528 · February 2013

When you bring up the subject with him I would say that you were young when you had the discussion about when to have children and although you werent ready then and knew you saw yourself having children later on you were a little naive to put an actual number on it. As you get older, especially women, needs start to change. You can tell him you feel reeady a lot sooner than you thought and you would like him to really think about the subject.

He may not be ready right now but that doesnt mean he wont be in a year or two. It is very hard to put a time frame on certain things. Just get him time to re-eavaluate your family needs and hopefully he will come around sooner. I think by putting a new time frame with a specific number will create a deadline feeling and that is not a good way to go into creating a family. As long as you are open about what you want and accept that he needs time to be ready for this too, hopefully you will both wind up on the same page.

MSeel1984 · February 2013

When you bring up the subject with him I would say that you were young when you had the discussion about when to have children and although you werent ready then and knew you saw yourself having children later on you were a little naive to put an actual number on it. As you get older, especially women, needs start to change. You can tell him you feel reeady a lot sooner than you thought and you would like him to really think about the subject.

He may not be ready right now but that doesnt mean he wont be in a year or two. It is very hard to put a time frame on certain things. Just get him time to re-eavaluate your family needs and hopefully he will come around sooner. I think by putting a new time frame with a specific number will create a deadline feeling and that is not a good way to go into creating a family. As long as you are open about what you want and accept that he needs time to be ready for this too, hopefully you will both wind up on the same page.

Kelly, I'm beginning to see that now too...that it may have been naive of me to think I could put a time limit on it...and to deny that the "biological clock" is not a real thing...I mean I hadn't felt maternal or like that was something I really wanted until quite recently...and who's to say that some child throwing a temper tantrum in a public place may not make me feel like I can wait longer. I just wish he hadn't shut me down when I just barely mentioned it in passing....

I do not want him to resent me or the decision to have a child, which is why I don't want to rush him...but what do you do when you know you're kind of in a race against time? Even more so for someone with health problems.

MSeel1984 · February 2013

I sat down and talked with my hubby last night...we were able to come to an agreement that for the immediate/foreseeable future we're tabling the baby topic.

He didn't say we'd wait ten years...we both agree the next two years are out of the question, if only for financial reasons...but he may be open to babies closer down the road than 10 years...then again, he may never be open to it.

I guess I just need to bring myself to that realization that it might never happen. At least we talked about it and are on the same page.

OutsideCreativ · February 2013

I would also talk to your doctor about the potential for complications the longer you wait. Ask her/him what's the latest window they would recommend.

vicky1804 · February 2013

I never wanted kids till early last year.
The feeling for me comes and goes. One minute I would really like kids but then I remember just how much im enjoying our life together now and knowing how much a child would change that scares the crap out of me. Then again I think if my husband passes before me or when we are old will I be upset that we didnt have kids etc?

I think I might stick with cats/kittens for the moment lol

DebraYvonne · February 2013

My ex and I were like this when we married -- made the agreement that we wouldn't try for quite a while. If I had let him made the decision, I would not have my children. We married younger than you but waited 8 years and I wish I had gone ahead against his wishes or found someone else who really cared about me and our life instead of just himself. I was with him almost 30 yrs and we had good moments but our life was basically about him. He is just selfish and didn't want to inconvenience his life for kids (still doesn't). Hang in there. Maybe if you guys hang around other couples with a baby, he will see what a beautiful thing it is!

Laura_beau · February 2013

I sat down and talked with my hubby last night...we were able to come to an agreement that for the immediate/foreseeable future we're tabling the baby topic.

He didn't say we'd wait ten years...we both agree the next two years are out of the question, if only for financial reasons...but he may be open to babies closer down the road than 10 years...then again, he may never be open to it.

I guess I just need to bring myself to that realization that it might never happen. At least we talked about it and are on the same page.

Are you on the same page though? if you want children and he doesn't this is a much bigger issue than just waiting for 2 years. Make sure you do keep communication open about this. You don't want to get 8 years down the line and him turning round and saying he doesn't want children at all. It might sound harsh, and as much as you love him he would have wasted your time and it may well be too late. You would just end up resenting him for it for the rest of your lives. I too am in a similar position, I ideally need to start trying asap as I have a medical condition that is likely to render me infertile within 5 years. My bf would ideally like to wait until we are married, with a mortgage etc....

Stay strong, stand your ground on this.

chooriyah · February 2013

I sat down and talked with my hubby last night...we were able to come to an agreement that for the immediate/foreseeable future we're tabling the baby topic.

He didn't say we'd wait ten years...we both agree the next two years are out of the question, if only for financial reasons...but he may be open to babies closer down the road than 10 years...then again, he may never be open to it.

I guess I just need to bring myself to that realization that it might never happen. At least we talked about it and are on the same page.

Are you on the same page though? if you want children and he doesn't this is a much bigger issue than just waiting for 2 years. Make sure you do keep communication open about this. You don't want to get 8 years down the line and him turning round and saying he doesn't want children at all. It might sound harsh, and as much as you love him he would have wasted your time and it may well be too late. You would just end up resenting him for it for the rest of your lives. I too am in a similar position, I ideally need to start trying asap as I have a medical condition that is likely to render me infertile within 5 years. My bf would ideally like to wait until we are married, with a mortgage etc....

Stay strong, stand your ground on this.

I agree. There is a BIG difference between waiting (whether 3, 5 or 10 years) and not having kids at all. My understanding of your initial post is that you had agreed you would have kids, but that there would be a long wait before trying. One side of the couple unilaterally then deciding that kids are off the table is a very big deal, and I imagine potentially relationship-threatening.

I definitely think that waiting a few years after marriage, if that's what you want, is generally a good idea. The first few years of marriage can be rocky, and I really think it can be important to build that foundation before you go shaking it up with midnight feeding, diapers, disrupted sex life, screaming children etc etc (haha, can you tell I'm not maternal myself?) But I agree with other posters that given your health status and the darned 'ticking clock', late 30s is probably a bit on the late side of things. I hope you can split the difference and come to an amicable agreement of 4 years or something...

I imagine you could both benefit from digging into the reasons behind your feelings. It might help if your husband can articulate his reasons for wanting to wait. Specifically what is he worried about? The impact on your relationship? Finances? Having to give up certain things he enjoys doing now? If you can afford it, or find a cheap option, it might be worth talking this through in the presence of a marriage counsellor. Sometimes it helps to have an objective, 'referee' in these types of situations.

AmyFett · February 2013

Personally I'd never wait until almost 40 to START trying. There's higher risk of complications later in life, multiples, diseases and disorders. I think you have every right to want to start trying sooner, but you did agree to waiting. So, I don't know what to tell you as far as that goes. I liked getting the having kids part out of the way early, now I'm pregnant with my last one and finishing up my education so when he/she starts school, I'll go back to work with my degree. Kind of backwards I guess, but I wanted kids young. Plus, my husband is older than me.

papayamischief · February 2013

Him possibly not wanting to have a baby when you do is a huge deal - I've seen many relationships broken up over that. Waiting for another couple years isn't a bad thing - especially if it means that you have a better financial situation to support a child, but you need to know if he's ever going to want a baby, because honestly, that's something you need to consider about your relationship, no matter how much you love him.
As for having "baby fever", I have an extremely over-active biological clock. I started wanting children when I was sixteen, and it's just gotten worse. For now - until you plan on getting pregnant - my advice is to simply remind yourself why you're holding off: you are trying to make a better life for any potential children. It doesn't help stop the waves that come and hit you suddenly (like when you see a baby and want to have one of your own, or when you walk near baby clothes in a department store), but it does help center you when the waves hit.
Good luck in your life, and whatever happens

Baby fever :(

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