Tired... Never been so tired...

beautifulregardless
beautifulregardless Posts: 145
in Introduce Yourself
Tired of me. Tired of my nonsense. Tired of that thought in my head "Just eat it." Tired of being fat. Tired of being self-conscious. Tired of being stepped on and told I'm no good. Tired of realising everyone around me is right. They all say "You know you're going to eat it." or "Yeah, you're sure on a diet" (sarcasm)

My boyfriend recently noticed his mom lost weight, he said "Wow, my mom looks so much smaller while I'm sitting her actually looking at her. That was fast too. She looks great."
He looks at me? "You're not motivated for ****."

But he's right...
I've never had any issue working out. It kills stress, it feels good and I feel accomplished. IT'S FOOD. Not even all food. Just cheese, milk and chocolate. The worst things. And my new healthy habits? Nuts and fruit. Buuuut, also full of fat or natural sugar.

I came home today... Looked in the mirror... And I saw a big round belly full of stretchmarks and came to the realization.. it's not the stretch marks making it so bad. It's the STOMACH, the fat. To go along with that I saw my short butchered dry brittle fried hair sticking out everywhere, and around 6 pimples, LARGE pimples on my face. All I saw, was disgust. I was disgusted in myself. In the person I am. I want to be a new person and I want to be that new person by 2014. I want to emotionally stable, confident and everything else in 6 months and fit/toned. I need an eating disorder group where I live that's free. And I need it now. I need help. Because my mind? Is crazy.

After I saw that, I put coconut oil in my hair, put a face mask on, painted my nails to make me feel better. I said "Now, let's go nourish my body with Carrots." Ended up grabbing a poptart.. NOW I'll go eat my carrots.

I don't want any of you to think I'm trying to make you feel bad for me, it's my own fault.. my own filthy habits/addictions.. my stupid decisions that get me in this mess. I want to type "I WILL CHANGE! I WILL DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! THIS IS MY LIFE! I GOT AHOLD OF IT! NOT FOOD! NOT WEIGHT! IT'S NOT HOLDING ME BACK ANYMORE!" But... I don't want to lie to you guys.. I don't want to let you down...

Everyone thinks I'm fat.. everyone in my family circle/boyfriends family circle. But most of all.. I do.

TELL ME TO STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MY *kitten* TOGETHER! SHOW ME YOUR RESULTS! TELL ME HOW IT CHANGED YOUR LIFE! PLEASE! <3

Replies

  • EmmaKarney
    EmmaKarney Posts: 690 Member
    You can turn it around. But it takes time.

    Just take every day one step at a time.

    Start today. Keep going......

    YOU CAN DO IT!
  • Deebautista
    Deebautista Posts: 51 Member
    Oh sweet girl please be careful about the things you speak over yourself. You are so worth the time and effort it would take to lose this weight that is making you feel so bad. Log in here every day and surround yourself with some positive people that will help you. Your boyfriend? What are you doing with someone who speaks to you that way? No one deserves that, ever. Keep working out, that's awesome that you like it so much! Last thing, drink LOTS of water!
  • CaddieMay
    CaddieMay Posts: 356 Member
    Oh, sweetheart, I think many of us have been where you are. I wish I had some magic words, but I don't. If you think you need an eating disorder support group, check out Overeaters Anonymous. It's free. My friend goes to OA and it has totally changed the way she relates to food (and helped her to lose weight and love herself).

    I wish I could show you my results, but I just joined MFP. I, too, have a huge gut on me that I am trying to get rid of. I am sending you a friend request. Maybe we can help each other. :smile:
  • Deebautista
    Deebautista Posts: 51 Member
    Bump
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    I see a VERY very beautiful woman in your picture, you just don't see her right now because you are depressed. Hang around here for long enough and this place will rub off on you trust me! You'll be slim, fit and healthy before you know it. Keep reading everything on here so you can learn how to go about it although remember a lot of it isn't correct so stick to believing what people produce scientific evidence for and you'll be fine. Make lots of friends to help you through. Send me a request if you'd like so you can see you don't have to go without your milk, chocolate or cheese at all just reduce it enough so you are at your calorie goal for the day.

    {huge hugs} and don't let people speak to you like this. They are rubbish for treating you like it.
  • Gemalar
    Gemalar Posts: 301 Member
    Your life seems full of negative people and that just makes me sad. You are a beautiful young woman, who has stretch marks but so what you got them creating another life be proud of them!! Take little steps, so you had a pop tart.....you could have had 3. Start seeing every minor change no matter how tiny as an accomplishment and the next time some one says "oh yeah you're on a diet" say "No Im re building my life, diets are easy this is not" Personally id follow up with a so f**k you but you seem too nice! so maybe a "So what positive thing are you doing today"

    Wish I could give you a big ole hug but you'll have to settle for these instead :flowerforyou: as there is a big puddle of water between us!
    Stay positive and you will see the changes, and anyone who cant support what you're doing should be shown the door you deserve better!!!!! xx
  • beautifulregardless
    beautifulregardless Posts: 145
    Thankyou guys so much <3 I'm going to start trying harder. I worked out yesterday from 6;30 to 8;40.. but ate A LOT too. I sure hope I can get this done soon. You guys don't know how much I appreciate you all, how much I appreciate your kind words and support.<3
  • CaddieMay
    CaddieMay Posts: 356 Member
    There's a lot of support here. Keep up the good work, and don't beat yourself up when you overeat. It will probably just make you eat more. Small steps got us to the moon and back, so it will work for fitness, too! :flowerforyou:
  • Angeloftheshore
    Angeloftheshore Posts: 227 Member
    You are beautiful! So pretty, and a Mom!! The people in your life should be supportive, uplifting and positive. Why are they speaking to you that way? Even if you are overweight their words should be filled with love and encouragement. You have to be proud of the accomplishments, you gave birth to a beautiful baby, you ate one pop tart and not a box of them (yes I did that once). You are here looking for help. Each step is progress no matter how small. But even if you weighed 500 lbs, you have to be kind to yourself. Being angry and hateful towards yourself will only dig you in deeper to an ugly place. Move forward, move into a better place for you to begin to heal your body, heal your mind! You need people around you who care about building you up so you have more strength to achieve your goals, not to shame you into it, that is just cruel :( Be good to yourself in all ways!
  • VeronicaAM
    VeronicaAM Posts: 69
    You can get out of that , You have control and we all have ups and downs but you can turn things around take small steps , be kind to yourself see all the good that you have ,
  • sweetsarahv
    sweetsarahv Posts: 180 Member
    I could have written this whole thing myself. I know it seems daunting and like you may never get where you want to be, but I PROMISE you will.

    Consider ditching the people in your life who speak negatively to you. You seem to have enough doubt on your own. You don't need other people adding in their doubt as well.

    Dig deep and find inner strength you didn't even know you have.

    We love you!!!!
  • laccy40
    laccy40 Posts: 136
    I checked your diary and you didn't eat a lot yesterday. At least you didn't log a lot. I wonder how much you have to lose? You sound so sad that you might only need to lose 2lb but feel like its 200lb! Whatever you need to lose, please don't rush it with lots of exercise and very low calories, it will only make you feel worth. Log everything you eat for a week then change 1 thing at a time to make healthier choices.
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    I checked your diary and you didn't eat a lot yesterday. At least you didn't log a lot. I wonder how much you have to lose? You sound so sad that you might only need to lose 2lb but feel like its 200lb! Whatever you need to lose, please don't rush it with lots of exercise and very low calories, it will only make you feel worth. Log everything you eat for a week then change 1 thing at a time to make healthier choices.

    This is so true and I don't want you to go the way of over-exercising and not eating enough please. It will do the opposite of what you are after. It causes us to give up because yes it is too hard but trust me it doesn't have to be at all. I only walked for 30 mins a day about 6 days a week briskly to lose most of my weight as well as calorie counting. An hour a day is enough more is just overkill. Do you know how many calories you should be on?
  • beautifulregardless
    beautifulregardless Posts: 145
    No, i just didn't log.. trust me i ate A LOT.. thats the problem.
  • beautifulregardless
    beautifulregardless Posts: 145
    Thank you guys <3
  • jessalice66
    jessalice66 Posts: 47 Member
    I AM THE SAME!! All I ever do is complain about my body, hair, diet and I never do anything to change it because it's just too hard. But it only takes 21 days to break a habit, and about 10 to stop craving things, so I guess we have to start some when!! xxxx
  • kbogati
    kbogati Posts: 39 Member
    you and your baby are beautiful.do not EVER let anyone treat you badly. sorry but your bf sounds like an *kitten* and i want you to seriously consider how much he contributes to your depression. My ex told me i was fat all the time..the sadness of that just made me lay around, eat more, felt hopeless....but anytime i would try to start working out/ eating better he'd be bringing me home "treats"...anyway the point is if you have signed up here you are at the point to reevaluate your life. habits, eating, relationships...its time to do what you need to do to make you happy. just take baby steps it gets easier as you go along. the happier you are with yourself the better life will be for you and your child. best of luck. add me if you want
  • svgarcia
    svgarcia Posts: 592 Member
    Awww hugs to u!
    I felt the same way until October, I started seriously working out and watching my calories..I didn't cut my calories alot because I'm breastfeeding. I give myself at least 30 min to exercise cuz I don't wanna over do it and then hate it and then not end up doing anything. My profile top pic is from last month, the middle pic is mid November, and the bottom pic is beginning of October.
    U can do this! Little changes here an there. I don't eat clean, I watch my portions and do try to make healthy choices, at the same time I don't deprive myself.
    Add me if u want. Good luck!
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    1. Stop hating yourself.

    2. Don't cut out everything you love.

    3. Make sure you are eating a healthy amount - http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12

    4. Realise that patience and persistence are key.

    And you will be fine.
  • nebslp
    nebslp Posts: 1,667 Member
    Be sure to log all of your food and exercise. It was a real eye opener when I did that. Sometimes you might think you're eating a lot but it might not have a lot of calories. Other times, it's just the opposite. You just have to keep track. It is so freeing to know I can eat back my exercise calories and not feel like I'm overdoing it with food. Making the right food choices is something I struggle with. Keep logging in every day. Give it time. You deserve to be happy and healthy and you're on the right track by logging in here.
  • MissDeAnn
    MissDeAnn Posts: 47 Member
    Being tired is a good thing that means you are ready to move forward. It starts with loving yourself and knowing your worth it. You can do it! This is day three for me with being on this site and it has help me a lot. The support is amazing!
  • nturner612
    nturner612 Posts: 710 Member
    been there done that and felt like that. your weight loss begins when u say go and u begin to take charge. its a long hard process...but its sooooo worth the end result! :)
  • javajinny
    javajinny Posts: 78
    Patience is a key. It took me 8 years to put on 150 pounds; it's ok to take 4 or 5 years to take it off. I'm down 73 pounds, but it took 2.5 years. I used to really struggle with depression, but once I got the negative out my life, started eating better and working out, the depression let up a lot. I still have bouts every now and then, but not deep dark pits like there used to be. YOU CAN DO THIS. Find just enough love for yourself and go for it. It feels good to love me; I didn't know what I was missing before. Cut yourself some slack (especially about stretch marks and pimples; that's life). You are very pretty and worth so much love. I hope you find some peace and happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy or unloved.
  • Tereless
    Tereless Posts: 18 Member
    Sorry to hear you are so down on yourself. Times are tough and being depressed doesn't help. In your pictures you have a small child, have you discussed this "down feeling" with your doctor, could you be experiencing post natal depression? I would suggest getting some support from your doctor and possibly join a mom's group where you can meet other young moms and build some strong friendships where you can get out of the house and relieve some of the stress that having small children can bring. Although we love our little darlings our lives just took on a whole different direction when they come along. I know from my own experience that I lost myself --by becoming a mom and trying to do everything like a "perfect" mom should. No one is perfect and so we cannot hold ourselves to a self imposed prison.

    We are all here to give you love and support! Hang in there and take it one step at time and remember to enjoy the journey.
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    I wrote a blog post yesterday (just for me) that was titled "Tired". So I had to read yours. And it reminded me a lot of my own issues. I know what it's like to be tired down to your bones, and to feel like you won't ever find the motivation or the energy to make a change. I don't know why I end up in this dark place, or why you did. I don't know how to get out of it, except to simply stop putting it off until tomorrow, and to start small, and to be grateful for every day in which you made an improvement, no matter how insignificant it seems. Because the fact is that the days are going to slide by anyway, and 6 months or a year from now you will be living with the choices you made today. The little things add up, for the better or the worse, so they matter.

    And, pardon me, but f*** those people who are encouraging you to fail, no matter who they are. They are belittling your ability to choose what is best for you. No matter what you choose, it's YOUR choice, and any old time you want, you can choose something other than what they expect of you. Next time you very well might. That's what happens- one day you DON'T eat the pop tart, and it's that simple. Don't beat yourself up for eating the poptart- it's not a failure, it's a choice. Half an hour later you might make a different one. Who are they to tell you that you can't do that? YOU are in charge of you, not them and not their expectations.

    On another note, you might also want to talk to your doctor about how you feel. Some of what you wrote sounded like it could be clinical depression, which can definitely sap you of motivation and self-worth.

    I don't know what else to say- except that if I could reach in and drag you out of that mindset, I would. Best of luck!
  • happydaze71
    happydaze71 Posts: 339 Member
    Step 1 is to leave all this **** in the past....
    While you are putting yourself down and letting others put you down you are going to constantly sabotage yourself.
    I'm an expert at sabotaging myself.'
    When you think pretty much nothing of yourself, you dont stand a chance.

    Today, write a list of your goals... THEN write down a list of baby steps.
    How much weight you feel you could realistically lose a week, and then ONLY focus on that.
    Looking at the whole lot will send you off the deep end and it becomes another reason to put yourself down.

    Dont deprive yourself of the foods you love, just factor it into your daily plan.

    I cook alot of my food on the weekend and bag it up into individual serves for work, even the protein pancakes I eat for breakfast, otherwise I'm hopeless. Winging it just doesnt work.

    You cant fix your negative attitude all at once, it takes time.
    Stop hating yourself and think about all the awesome things your body can do.... if your hair is dry and crap, then maybe put some olive oil in at at night, put a mud mask on, and when thats done, jump in a nice hot shower.

    We are all here to support you... we KNOW what this self hating exhaustion does to you.

    Baby steps honey, not self abuse. I learned that the hard way and I have been on this journey a LOOOOOOONG time!

    Big hugs xo
  • Nicolee_2014
    Nicolee_2014 Posts: 1,572 Member
    Your life seems full of negative people and that just makes me sad. You are a beautiful young woman, who has stretch marks but so what you got them creating another life be proud of them!! Take little steps, so you had a pop tart.....you could have had 3. Start seeing every minor change no matter how tiny as an accomplishment and the next time some one says "oh yeah you're on a diet" say "No Im re building my life, diets are easy this is not" Personally id follow up with a so f**k you but you seem too nice! so maybe a "So what positive thing are you doing today"

    Wish I could give you a big ole hug but you'll have to settle for these instead :flowerforyou: as there is a big puddle of water between us!
    Stay positive and you will see the changes, and anyone who cant support what you're doing should be shown the door you deserve better!!!!! xx


    THIS :smile:

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