scared of falling off the wagon

Not crazy... I feel the same way. I read some success stories that start with, "I used to be in shape and the weight kept adding year after year..." That's not me. I've been up and down up and down up and down and up all my adult life. So, yeah, it's hard to not feel like any weight loss is temporary until I blow it again and have to start all over after 6 months or more off the wagon. At this point for me I know that losing weight (and maintaining) is something I will have to work at as it doesn't come naturally. I joke that I can't be a social pizza eater anymore; not that I plan on depriving myself I just have to be realistic with my eating habits and the slippery slope.

Don't be afraid.

The best thing about the wagon is that if you fall off, you can get right back on.

It's not the moment of relapse that'll hurt you. It's the moment after that counts.

Having said that...

The more healthy changes you make to your diet & the longer you can sustain them the more permanent they'll become. You'll start to develop a taste for lean & clean foods. Choosing an apple over an apple tart wont feel like a sacrifice, it'll just be what youre inclined to eat. As long as you have that foundation if you fall off the wagon majorly (ie. pigging out on a whopper of ice cream) your body will naturally recoil. You'll get the notorious bad food hangover & you'll be even more motivated to eat healthy the next opportunity you get. As good as "bad foods" taste nothing beats the quality of nutrient dense foods for day to day function and fuel. Your body appreciates them over junk food.

Just in general, in order for this change to stick weighloss and nutrition can't just be about weight & vanity. It might start out that way but ultimately it HAS to be about health in order to reap the full reward. You can eat twinkies all day and still lose weight as long as you're eating fewer cals than you're expending. But once you get a chance to run around in the healthy fully functioning wonder of a machine that the human body is - and truly respect it - you wont want to go back.

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I am the same way. I very rarely have cheat days. Now it is because I do not really want to cheat, I am very happy with what I am eating. But for a long time I did not have cheat days because I was afraid that if I allowed myself to eat badly just that once, it would spiral out of control. I have had weight problems my whole life. I have just recently gotten to the point where I trust myself a little, and actually feel like this is a lifelong change for me. I don't feel nearly as paranoid about falling off as I did, but it is still there in the back of my head.

Maintenance has been a battle for me for sure. I have been maintaining since early November. I feel like I have set myself up to make good choices. I eat 2000 calories per day and exercise 6 days per week for about 45 minutes-1 hour ( half and half mix for lifting and cardio). I enjoy exercise and don't view it as a chore.

My problem is that my motivation has to come from within as I don't see the scale drop or the inches come off. I've been trying to make my goals not body-related like running faster and lifting heavier, but it is not as "concrete" as a number on the scale each week and takes a heck of a lot longer.

I have gotten to the point where I get physically ill if I eat too much bad food. This weekend I went away with my fiance and ate out pretty much every day. I did extra exercise to be able to eat more, but my stomach felt so full and actually bloated when I was done. I didn't even eat very much. The meal that made me sick was an open faced turkey sandwich (I didn't eat the bread) and mashed potatoes and gravy.

I am scared that I will let my weight creep back up, but I've tried to set it up with a 3 pound threshold for my goal weight. My goal weight is 130 and I only let myself stay between 127-133. So far this has gotten me through the holidays and the Super Bowl.

You have to do what works for you. Good luck!