Unsupportive SO(B)?

LoseWithLaurie
LoseWithLaurie Posts: 64 Member
in Chit-Chat
Anyone else on a fitness journey that your SO is opposed to, not on board with, oblivious to or otherwise not supportive of? My SO has made a few failed attempts to lose some excess weight, along with me. While he's "on the wagon", he seems competitive...and when he's not, he seems pretty oblivious to my efforts. What's the big deal, right? Well, I've lost over 80 lbs and he has yet to say or do ANYTHING to acknowledge (to me) that I've lost weight, gained attractiveness, etc. Nothing. Not one syllable. No "you're doing great", "you look great", I'm proud of you." I have been working so hard to change my life and I'm doing really well...it just bothers me that he, of all people isn't giving me ANY credit. I am reading about other wives, husbands, bfs, gfs who are so encouraging and supportive and I feel invisible and alone:/

Replies

  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
    Married? Co-habitating? ... or seeing exclusively?

    Advice differs depending on the situation...
  • puddlesiam
    puddlesiam Posts: 75 Member
    You definitely are NOT alone. My SO has actually told me not to lose anymore weight! And I feel as though I have only really just begun. Keep doing what you're doing, and be happy in yourself - remember we are doing this for ourselves, no-one else :flowerforyou:
  • Heitor71
    Heitor71 Posts: 224
    This is the second topic I read today dealing with the same problem. It is a big problem but one without a solution. Frustrating as it is, you must accept it and move on. That is what I do. It is not easy because you want your spouse's support and you want him also to get better physically. I have learned to giving up hope and accept that my wife will not join me on this. And it is sad. However, I am accepting it and slowly beginning to be at peace.
  • LoseWithLaurie
    LoseWithLaurie Posts: 64 Member
    It is sad. We've been married for over 6 years and I don't like the idea of another 6 with a huge missing piece-I don't know if I want to get over it:/ Is that wrong?
  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
    It is sad. We've been married for over 6 years and I don't like the idea of another 6 with a huge missing piece-I don't know if I want to get over it:/ Is that wrong?

    Okay... so look at it like this: as his wife, you will probably face bigger challenges than this one. What if he were injured in an accident and lost the use of his body from the neck down? What if he fell ill and fought a battle with cancer for years and years... you are his wife. Your commitment to him was through good and bad. A weight loss issue shouldn't be a dealbreaker IMHO... at least not once you're married.

    As with most couples, if one gets healthy, the other is forced to contemplate their own inability/unwillingness/unreadiness/whatever to accomplish the same thing... or they don't even need to but have insecurities that cause them distress because of the success of the other. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you love him. Reassure him that you're only looking at him. Reassure him that you meant every word of your marriage vows and don't make your love of him conditional upon his behavior.

    Sometimes men are just dense and don't know what we want. He could be not acknowledging it because that would mean he'd have to acknowledge you ever had a weight problem and he didn't see you that way. Have you asked him why he's never said anything about it?
  • LoseWithLaurie
    LoseWithLaurie Posts: 64 Member
    I get the whole "for better and for worse" thing, I've LIVED it, and a lot more one than the other. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't compliment me or acknowledge my accomplishment to me(he's discussed it with others) in any way. He called me a "fat f*@cking *****" last year, so I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with him never having found me fat to begin with. I tell him constantly that I love him the way he is, when he complains about being fat/gross. He's so heavy he needs help with his shoes sometimes, and although that isn't like the injury you're speaking of, he IS limited. And I've been there 100%. I don't mind because I love him.
  • tpittsley77
    tpittsley77 Posts: 607 Member
    Whether or not he wants to get on board and join you, he may not say anything because deep down he is jealous. Jealous of how great you look. Jealous of your dedication. Most of all, jealous of your inner strength that is keeping you dedicated. Strength he doesn't currently possess. You should voice how you feel to him, if only to make him aware that it hurts you, but don't expect it to change. And definitely expect sabotage.

    On a side bar, how was your weight when he met you? If you were your heavy weight then, some guys just find big girls more attractive. I know a girl that lost over 100 lbs. And her hubby left her.
  • nevmarchant
    nevmarchant Posts: 9
    Really? You love someone who basically doesn't acknowledge your existence by refusing to touch or look at you and who called you a "fat ****ing ***"? I think you need to love him less and love yourself a whole lot more. If you did, you would not need our advice on what to do. You wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. *hugs* Please read what you wrote and see the truth. This man cannot possibly love you if this is how he treats you.
  • boboff
    boboff Posts: 129 Member
    Ummm.

    Isn't it obvious?

    Every lb you loose you make him feel worse about himself.

    Angry even, when he sees your strength, resolve, ability to control your life, it will make him feel worse.

    However, that is not your fault, and in some ways it's not his fault.

    You will only resolve the issue by communicating honestly with each other, I suspect he's not ready for that.

    I hope it works out for the best, what ever outcome that may be.
  • H1L5
    H1L5 Posts: 55 Member
    I really agree with boboff. Its possible your husband can't deal with this new you. I had a friend whose husband sabotaged her weight loss and put her down all the time, but it was through fear that she would become attractive to other men.
    It is unacceptable for your husband to speak to you the way he has. If I was in your shoes I would have to tell him honestly how that made me feel. Then depending on his reaction consider my position.
    Have you got children together? If so they are learning unhelpful (or worse) things about what a loving relationship is.
  • LindseySprake
    LindseySprake Posts: 333 Member
    Ummm.

    Isn't it obvious?

    Every lb you loose you make him feel worse about himself.

    Angry even, when he sees your strength, resolve, ability to control your life, it will make him feel worse.

    However, that is not your fault, and in some ways it's not his fault.

    You will only resolve the issue by communicating honestly with each other, I suspect he's not ready for that.

    I hope it works out for the best, what ever outcome that may be.

    ^THIS^!
  • zilkram
    zilkram Posts: 8
    If he regularly verbally abuses you and makes you feel bad about yourself, you need to think about where you go from here. You deserve better than that from a man who is supposed to love you.

    If he's suffering depression or other MH problems that may contribute to his behaviour towards you then he needs to seek treatment and you need support while he gets that.
    If the relationship could do with a reset, then perhaps couples' counselling.
    But if this is just who he is, then do you really want to spend the next six years/a lifetime getting shot down and treated like rubbish?
  • GymBeast2
    GymBeast2 Posts: 81
    This is what I needed today. You and I are not alone. My SO doesn't say a word good or bad about my weight loss/muscle gain. Everyone around us tells me how great I look and how thin. It was only 30 plus pounds, but it is still a big change.


    You look great!!

    I've accepted that fact now that I'm doing this for me. I give him chances to keep me home or head to the gym. He tells me to do my thing, so the gym it is. Then he flips it and makes flip comments about my time in the gym. One time I told him I was going to Gold's Gym and he stated So you are going to see Jim... It floored me...I was just accused of cheating on him with another man.


    Sorry this isn't about me.....Just know that you are not suffering alone in lack of SO support. There are quite a few of us out here. Keep doing your thing for you!!!
  • vikkistarr89
    vikkistarr89 Posts: 122 Member
    I have this problem with my best friend, even.

    She is a couple of sizes heavier than me and always talking about losing weight, but her main cause of weight is drinking, as is mine.

    I tell her im on a diet, im going to the gym, i am cutting down drinking for my health (mentally aswell), and its like she almost begrudges the fact that i want to change myself for the better. Shes constantly bugging me to come round and get takeaways with her, she always wants to go to the pub, she gets almost annoyed when i tell her im busy going gym. And then she tries to lose weight, sticks at exercise and diet for a couple of days and then drinks another bottle of vodka (and drinking = eating) and forgets it all.

    I went out with her last time and told her i was havihng one glass of wine and a couple of g and ts and thats it, and i caught her topping up my glass of wine two or three times. It seems like she doesnt want to support me at all, she doesnt want it to affect her fun, and she just wants someone to go out drinking with.

    She also competes with me for male attention as well (despite me being openly uninterested in anyone) (like seriously, i am not interested in men at the moment) (whatsoever) and i feel like if i lose weight and look better and healthier and she doesnt, she is also going to be bitter about it, so i feel like she is trying to drag me down with her at the moment.

    Too many people like this!

    I have also been told by one or two 'friends' to stop losing weight. I am clearly a bigger girl, i dont understand why anyone would say this to me when i will be healthier and more confident for it.
  • sarafil
    sarafil Posts: 506 Member
    I get the whole "for better and for worse" thing, I've LIVED it, and a lot more one than the other. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't compliment me or acknowledge my accomplishment to me(he's discussed it with others) in any way. He called me a "fat f*@cking *****" last year, so I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with him never having found me fat to begin with. I tell him constantly that I love him the way he is, when he complains about being fat/gross. He's so heavy he needs help with his shoes sometimes, and although that isn't like the injury you're speaking of, he IS limited. And I've been there 100%. I don't mind because I love him.

    I hope you can realize that if he talks to you this way, that is abuse. I think your problems are deeper than him not acknowledging your weight loss. If you can do it, try to get in to marital counseling. If he won't go, you should go yourself. No one deserves to be married to someone who talks to them like that, or treats them like that. There are no excuses for that kind of behavior, period.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    I don' think him being unsupportive has anything to do with it. He sounds verbally abusive. If that is the case he;ll be an SOB no matter what weight you are at.

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