gawrrrr....living with gma is harder than i thought...

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nikb1983
nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
in Motivation and Support
The back story: moved in with my grandmother at the start of the year...partly for financial reasons,...mostly to help her out as her former housemate is a raging alcoholic.

Fast forward: a few weeks ago I joined the gym and started tracking my food...I know living with other people, you cant control what they buy, that's fine, I don't have to eat it. But like today, grandma went to sally world with her neice and came back and announced "I bought a bunch of junk!" Then they sit down to have a piece of banana cream pie (which I don't care for anyway) they offered me some, I politely declined, and grandma say "shes just gonna sit there and make us feel guilty"...now ive never talked back to gma, but today I kind of snapped and said "if you feel guilty, that's on you...I don't expect the whole world to eat healthy just because I want to"

Sorry so long, just needed to vent...cant vent on facebook because ive quit telling my friends about my weight battles because they're just as bad if we go out...

Replies

  • JessHealthKick
    JessHealthKick Posts: 800 Member
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    uh, I feel you! I have the same thing when I am living with my parents (which I will be again in 6 months). The temptations are there, but it's when I say no to things they see as reasonable that they have a go at me! I hate the over-processed nature of sausages so never eat them and will instead cook myself some chicken, but they act like I am being a total fussy princess. No, I am trying to be healthy!

    Just give it time and tell them you want to be healthy. You could always just have a small serving with them instead perhaps so you aren't completely separated from the social aspect?

    Banana cream pie... mmm... I'm getting a banana cream roll this afternoon, I'm currently travelling in a city famous for them. Thanks for reminding me!
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    I've never had much of a sweet tooth anyway, so it's likely that I would have passed on a midday dessert anyway...I just get tired of the whole "oh, you cant have this cuz you're on a diet"...and similar comments...I can eat what I want and whatever ammount I want, I just have to own up to the consequences if I go overboard...which I haven't quite mastered how not to do that, which is why I will decline items that I don't truely want.

    The alcoholic that I talked about, just got her 30day chip (for being sober 30 days)...I admire her for that....I know shes got a long road ahead (I watched my dad battle his addiction and he's now been sober 16years)... I kind of feel, sometimes, like my relationship with food is very much the same as their relationship with alcohol. I need to take it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,049 Member
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    And apparently gma is a raging enabler. Is she your dad's mom? If so, you can see why so many in her life have addiction problems.

    Your answer to her was super-healthy, by the way. That is how you deal with passive-aggressive people. Really well done. That was HER issue, not yours.
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    She's my mom's mom...but addiction seems to run on both sides of my family...I used to think that I wasn't like them because I didn't drink (just now and then for special occasions), it wasn't until recently that I realized that I binge eat for many of the same reasons my dad would drink...

    I know shes an enabler...not much I can do about her. I just have to stand my ground...I'm in this battle for ME and for being healthy for my son. Period.
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
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    The truly strong often stand apart, alone with their convictions.

    The weak enable and appease others for whatever reason they can cook up.

    What are you?
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    Then they sit down to have a piece of banana cream pie (which I don't care for anyway)....

    I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry, especially if I didn't even LIKE banana cream pie. I don't like it either.
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    The truly strong often stand apart, alone with their convictions.

    The weak enable and appease others for whatever reason they can cook up.

    What are you?

    I choose to be strong...I've been weak long enough and all that's done is wear me down... no more!
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    Then they sit down to have a piece of banana cream pie (which I don't care for anyway)....

    I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry, especially if I didn't even LIKE banana cream pie. I don't like it either.

    I don't feel sorry...I just wish they didn't have to make a big deal...


    P.S.- I love to crochet also! I need to get back into it...busy hands can't shove food in this face.
    :)
  • ebailey710
    ebailey710 Posts: 271 Member
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    I've never had much of a sweet tooth anyway, so it's likely that I would have passed on a midday dessert anyway...I just get tired of the whole "oh, you cant have this cuz you're on a diet"...and similar comments...I can eat what I want and whatever ammount I want, I just have to own up to the consequences if I go overboard...which I haven't quite mastered how not to do that, which is why I will decline items that I don't truely want.

    The alcoholic that I talked about, just got her 30day chip (for being sober 30 days)...I admire her for that....I know shes got a long road ahead (I watched my dad battle his addiction and he's now been sober 16years)... I kind of feel, sometimes, like my relationship with food is very much the same as their relationship with alcohol. I need to take it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time.

    It must be frustrating to get those comments even if you aren't necessarily tempted.

    My mom has been sober for 18 months now and I'm SO proud of her. She will call me every so often, and we talk about her progress. "One day at a time" is what she always tells me. I agree that it applies to food in many cases. There is no sense in beating yourself up over a treat when you can right it the next day. It's a process, just like fighting other addictions.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,049 Member
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    When I was about your age I started standing up to my mother in a calm way instead of flipping out and stooping to her tactics. She was one of the most passive aggressive people I've ever met. There was nothing nice she could say without ending it with a negative.

    It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Mom never stopped being the way she was, but I stopped being her whipping boy. It caused me to change the way I deal with all people, and that was a good thing.

    It is exactly like you said - you have to continue to stand your ground. They will continue to try to knock you over. It's who they are, like you said.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    If families were helpful and supportive then this website would not exist.
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    Thank you all...I know this is a long road that I'm on. I'm glad that I can come here for support. Tomorrow is a new day (and maybe ill actually track my food...I haven't really for.the past couple days... been eating ok, just not tracking) and hopefully this rain will stop so I can take the kid outside to play :smile:
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    Then they sit down to have a piece of banana cream pie (which I don't care for anyway)....

    I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry, especially if I didn't even LIKE banana cream pie. I don't like it either.

    I don't feel sorry...I just wish they didn't have to make a big deal...


    P.S.- I love to crochet also! I need to get back into it...busy hands can't shove food in this face.
    :)

    I could never have lived with my grandmother. She was never my favorite person. :D

    Yep, crochet does keep the idle hands occupied. And you have something beautiful when you are done. ;)
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    I could never have lived with my grandmother. She was never my favorite person. :D

    Yep, crochet does keep the idle hands occupied. And you have something beautiful when you are done. ;)

    I do love my grandma, she's provided a home for me on more than one occasion growing up, and this was always a safe place for me while my parents were going through divorce...I just never noticed all the little comments she makes, and if I had I probably wouldn't have done anything about it.
  • singer201
    singer201 Posts: 560 Member
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    Being the granddaughter, and I'm assuming having some respect and appreciation for your gma, puts you in a tricky situation, especially if she's the one providing the food, or the funds for food.

    My daughter moved in with my mom, also as a mutual benefit--Gma needed someone in the house, DD2 needed to live somewhere she could keep her horses without paying board. DD2 started on MFP to lose some weight and tried to do lower carb (fewer potatoes, pasta, bread, etc.), and all Gma did was shake her head about it because she didn't understand the concept. DD2 did the best she could, Gma did what she wanted, they survived two years together.

    Now Gma/Mom is living with me, and I've found out just how set in her ways she is about food. She buys the stuff she wants that I won't eat or buy (and since it's not mine, I don't) I buy, cook, and eat what fits my food plan, serve her what she will eat of my dishes, and cook her what she likes. We've been doing fine together for the last four months. It's kind of live and let live--I'm not going to change her, but I won't allow her dictate to me what I eat. HOWEVER, a daughter is in a different place in the power structure than a granddaughter is.

    The muscle you need to strengthen is the "No, thank you" one. Keep a respectful attitude, because she IS doing you a favor, but be firm about the foods that you need to refuse because they're WAY off your food plan.

    Best of luck to you.
  • ashlinmarie
    ashlinmarie Posts: 1,263 Member
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    She's my mom's mom...but addiction seems to run on both sides of my family...I used to think that I wasn't like them because I didn't drink (just now and then for special occasions), it wasn't until recently that I realized that I binge eat for many of the same reasons my dad would drink...

    I know shes an enabler...not much I can do about her. I just have to stand my ground...I'm in this battle for ME and for being healthy for my son. Period.

    I understand where you're coming from. Addiction is bad on my mom's side...my grandpa has been in recovery for almost 20 years. My mom is an alcoholic but she doesn't see it like the rest of us do. I refuse to drink because A. I hate drinking my calories, B. I feel like **** the next day, and C. I don't want to turn to alcohol like they did. But a few years back, I realized I am just as bad, just with different things...mostly with food. My mom is super thin after dieting and practically starving herself for 3 years but now she eats a lot of crap (and then usually eats nothing but veggies or skips meals for a week). She was a HUGE enabler for me when I was living with her. She knew I love junk and she does too so she'd say, "Oh, if you go pick it up, I'll buy it." We both gained weight, but the difference was that she needed the few extra pounds...I back tracked all the progress I'd made over the summer. I knew it was ultimately my choices and that I let myself down, but it is really frustrating to deal with her. Plus not only that, she would try to get me to go out to bars with her all the time. I indulged once or twice, but when I started turning her down she got all mad because I (at the time) was getting ready to move to Japan and she acted like I didn't care about her so I didn't want to hang out with her. In reality, even when I did go out with her, she'd ditch me for her friends after like 30 minutes.

    Anyway, it seems you have the right mind set and hopefully your gramma will let you do your thing and not try to use you as a tool to feel better about herself.
  • healthyformeanMona
    healthyformeanMona Posts: 143 Member
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    You can love someone and still recognize that you are rocking their boat. It's easier for some people to pop your balloon than to blow up their own. Her insecurity or conscious, may be nudging her. Doesn't make her a bad person. You will likely find this kind of behavior in others you interact with on a regular basis as you get healthier and more confident(co-workers are notorious). Again, their insecurities. "It's none of your business what others think about you." If you sabatoge your success to make them happy, guess what.....won't happen....they are not happy anyways. You are the only one who can honor the necessary commitment to your body and your brain --sometimes it's lonely till you find other like-minded peeps. Sometimes those we love will get on board with us, that's the influence you can have without even knowing it.
  • nikb1983
    nikb1983 Posts: 44 Member
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    Being the granddaughter, and I'm assuming having some respect and appreciation for your gma, puts you in a tricky situation, especially if she's the one providing the food, or the funds for food.

    My daughter moved in with my mom, also as a mutual benefit--Gma needed someone in the house, DD2 needed to live somewhere she could keep her horses without paying board. DD2 started on MFP to lose some weight and tried to do lower carb (fewer potatoes, pasta, bread, etc.), and all Gma did was shake her head about it because she didn't understand the concept. DD2 did the best she could, Gma did what she wanted, they survived two years together.

    Now Gma/Mom is living with me, and I've found out just how set in her ways she is about food. She buys the stuff she wants that I won't eat or buy (and since it's not mine, I don't) I buy, cook, and eat what fits my food plan, serve her what she will eat of my dishes, and cook her what she likes. We've been doing fine together for the last four months. It's kind of live and let live--I'm not going to change her, but I won't allow her dictate to me what I eat. HOWEVER, a daughter is in a different place in the power structure than a granddaughter is.

    The muscle you need to strengthen is the "No, thank you" one. Keep a respectful attitude, because she IS doing you a favor, but be firm about the foods that you need to refuse because they're WAY off your food plan.

    Best of luck to you.

    Thank you. My husband and I pay rent to her (enough to cover utilities, her house is payed for) and we buy our share of food. I do most of the cooking because I love to cook and I feel like gma has taken care of so many people over the years and it's time someone took care of her. Being a somewhat picky eater (not nearly as bad as I used to be) I became a master of the "no, thank you" long ago...along with "no, I don't really care for that, thank you" and one my other grandma taught me was "I haven't acquired a taste for that". I know how to politely turn down food, I just need to do so more often with foods I shouldn't eat and not just foods I don't like.

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