Body politics/ How to deal with negative friends?

enewsome2
enewsome2 Posts: 355 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Hey MFP,

I am going on a trip at the end of the month with some friends. It is a trip that will force me to wear swimwear in public. I am already a little leary about this, as I am not at my "goal" weight/ size yet. However, I have noticed that I have built up so much anxiety lately that I almost want to cancel the trip. I know a lot of this is my own issue, and I need to work on it, but I'm also going with a negative friend.

She is a really good friend/person, but she seems to have major body issues with either herself or just with women in general. A few recent examples:
(she is very thin imo...)

1. She keeps telling me that she is "fat" and "wants to go to the gym" but will cancel on the gym but not dinner. She will then criticize the amount of food that both of us are eating.

2. She asks me what pant size/ shirt size I am, and gets upset if she is bigger than me (mind you, she is like 5 inches taller than me...)

3. I told her that I didn't like buying cheap jeans because it's hard for me to find ones that fit, and she asked "is it because you have a big a@#?" Actually, it is because I am short. But yeah, that too I guess...

4. She told me when we were in a gambling resort that the go-go dancer was "fat" and that she was gross because her thighs etc moved when she danced. I think a lot of thin/fit women still have thighs.

5. She told me recently that she likes me better now that I've lost some weight and that she likes having thin friends.

I could go on, but I won't bore you. I just want to know what I should do/say when she says these things. I am at a loss. I don't necessarily want to lose her as a friend, but I'm not sure if it's worth going through the kinds of comments she makes when I'm trying to be happy and healthy, regardless of "size".

Replies

  • mydeloo78
    mydeloo78 Posts: 328 Member
    Life is too short for toxic people. she clearly has her own issues and makes herself feel better by trashing other people. I personally don't play into it when women complain they are "fat".. either do something about it or quit complaining. You have to decide if the negativity is worth still being friend with her. Or you could say something like "i'm not where I want to be yet, but I've come a long way and any support is great!"...
  • NerdyJenn
    NerdyJenn Posts: 20 Member
    I'm too old and cranky to hang out with people who talk like this, so I'm not much help to you here. Sounds kind of toxic to me, and I'd look to surround myself with people who are helping me in this world - not being a big pill.

    I imagine there are some awesome things that keep you guys hanging out, so I'd just call her on it. When she gets into body-shame statements just put it back on her: "I don't know why you'd say that as it seems really negative. I am working hard to have good feelings about my body and the bodies of others." And then just stand still looking at her until she agrees or implodes. Either way it might start shifting her comments.
  • shaynak112
    shaynak112 Posts: 751 Member
    WOW!
    She does NOT seem to be a good friend!

    Okay, I get that people have self esteem issues and stuff. But that is way too much for her to be insulting you like that! Not obvious, outright insults. But I would feel hurt if I were in your position! That's the type of "friend" that I would not want to be friends with anymore!!!
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
    I have no advice for you, because I don't deal with people like that. I refuse to clutter my life with people who are toxic.
  • SASSYGIRLY30
    SASSYGIRLY30 Posts: 49 Member
    I agree with the other posters she sounds toxic, and to be honest I personally can't deal with people like that in my life because it just brings me down..

    She sounds like she has extremely low self esteem and puts other's down with indirect insults to deflect from her own...
  • potluck965
    potluck965 Posts: 529 Member
    If you really think she is a good person and worth the friendship, you can try to help her because she really needs help. If you are just clinging to her for some reason, frankly, you are better off without her.

    She has very serious emotional issues and you may not be in a place of self confidence enough to help her. She may drag you down if you are not self possessed enough.

    I would pretty much turn a deaf ear to her demeaning comments and pity her.
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Is she a good friend or not?
    Would talking to her openly be an option or is *****ing on-line the only solution?
  • _SABOTEUR_
    _SABOTEUR_ Posts: 6,833 Member
    This is not how I would define a good friend.
  • enewsome2
    enewsome2 Posts: 355 Member
    Is she a good friend or not?
    Would talking to her openly be an option or is *****ing on-line the only solution?

    You pose a very good point. I don't feel totally comfortable talking to her about it, but I'm going to try. If she reacts how I "fear" she may, I might need to reconsider how good of a friend she is?
  • aloranger7708
    aloranger7708 Posts: 422 Member
    Holy crap, she seems like a terrible friend. And might I add, she seems like she doesn't have many redeemable qualities.

    I have a friend who is 6 inches shorter than me and weighs about 110. She CONSTANTLY used to say in front me, "I'm so fat I'm wearing a size SMALL instead of extra small!" Or if we were shopping she'd pick up a size small and say "ewww" before throwing the shirt aside.

    After a few weeks of hearing that I called her out on it, and since then she's gotten better about it. But unlike your friend, she's never criticized my body... she just makes stupid comments to get compliments. You should just confront her next time she says something like that.
  • 366to266
    366to266 Posts: 473 Member
    IWhen she gets into body-shame statements just put it back on her: "I don't know why you'd say that as it seems really negative. I am working hard to have good feelings about my body and the bodies of others." And then just stand still looking at her until she agrees or implodes. Either way it might start shifting her comments.

    THIS ^^^^^^
  • aleesh_
    aleesh_ Posts: 137 Member
    I would still go on the trip but I would avoid her like the plague! Like everyone else said she is toxic and her issues are not your cross to bear. I get that she is a good friend in other ways and you love her but sometimes for our own mental health we need to look out for ourselves.
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    1. She keeps telling me that she is "fat" and "wants to go to the gym" but will cancel on the gym but not dinner. She will then criticize the amount of food that both of us are eating.

    2. She asks me what pant size/ shirt size I am, and gets upset if she is bigger than me (mind you, she is like 5 inches taller than me...)

    3. I told her that I didn't like buying cheap jeans because it's hard for me to find ones that fit, and she asked "is it because you have a big a@#?" Actually, it is because I am short. But yeah, that too I guess...

    4. She told me when we were in a gambling resort that the go-go dancer was "fat" and that she was gross because her thighs etc moved when she danced. I think a lot of thin/fit women still have thighs.

    5. She told me recently that she likes me better now that I've lost some weight and that she likes having thin friends.

    1. Go to the gym without her. If she then comments upon the food, reply 'I know. Could you imagine how unhealthy somebody could look if they never went to the gym but ate this much?'

    2. Don't tell her. Or say size 24 or 0 or something equally ridiculous.

    3. You should have answered 'No. I just don't want to look like I just crawled out of a Walmart Clearance bin'.

    4. How do you dance without moving your legs? I'd probably answer something like 'It must be a tough job, especially when she has to put up with jealous people who couldn't ever be a professional dancer being mean to her'.

    5. You could say you like kind hearted people around you and you like her better when she isn't mean to others. Then block her number.




    Seriously, are you like 13 and have the classroom princess deciding to be friends with you? Or is her name Paris Hilton and you're trying to be her BFF?



    Enjoy the trip, avoid her whenever possible, when she wants to be your friend, have something else to do.
  • charovnitza
    charovnitza Posts: 689
    if you really want to go on this trip with her, you really need to set some boundries. :huh: You might tell her that statements regarding weight , diet and clothing sizes are off limits. And, if she can't or won't stop saying them, you'll have to make a choice about not going. Vacations are supposed to be fun. They are supposed to be relaxing interludes in our already stressful lives. They are not for insensitive people to berate you, and ruin the time you take off.
  • fvolley
    fvolley Posts: 124
    Here is something I have learned about people who have big mouths. Usually they are completely 100% insecure about themselves. So they feel better by making fun of themselves, so then they usually feel like everyone has that same type of "hating humor" that they have.

    I have started to call out those type of people. I have no time or energy to deal with this crap in my life. You should pull this friend aside and talk to them honestly. All you need to say is that you have been working hard to change your life and you need all the positive energy you can take. Tell them that their type of humor doesn't amuse you and actually hurts you. If this doesn't work then truly you should separate with them as a friend.

    I know that might be hard but holding onto toxic people when you are trying to lose weight and get healthy won't help you in any way.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    i choose not to spend time with people who abuse me.
    emotionally or physically, makes no difference.
    if she slapped you, would you stay?
    a slap would cause you less harm.
  • treenuh_x
    treenuh_x Posts: 94 Member
    I personally wouldn't be able to stand hanging out with that woman. To reiterate everything everyone else has already said, she sounds toxic, and you'd probably do good to not have her in your life if all she's going to do is create negativity. You need positive people in your life to go with the positive changes you're making for yourself.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    i learn this in a hard way, i learn that everyone is an expert when it comes to eating. each has their own version. so be careful when you share your thoughts.
  • tpt1950
    tpt1950 Posts: 292 Member
    Don't understand why you would allow a "friend" or anyone else to be so hurtful to you to the point of anxiety where you are considering cancelling your vacation with her ~ and then wonder what you should say to her???
    Friends lift each other up and help each other through - they don't beat you down with abusive comments (unless you let them). The answer to all your questions seems obvious to me....
  • enewsome2
    enewsome2 Posts: 355 Member
    1. She keeps telling me that she is "fat" and "wants to go to the gym" but will cancel on the gym but not dinner. She will then criticize the amount of food that both of us are eating.

    2. She asks me what pant size/ shirt size I am, and gets upset if she is bigger than me (mind you, she is like 5 inches taller than me...)

    3. I told her that I didn't like buying cheap jeans because it's hard for me to find ones that fit, and she asked "is it because you have a big a@#?" Actually, it is because I am short. But yeah, that too I guess...

    4. She told me when we were in a gambling resort that the go-go dancer was "fat" and that she was gross because her thighs etc moved when she danced. I think a lot of thin/fit women still have thighs.

    5. She told me recently that she likes me better now that I've lost some weight and that she likes having thin friends.

    1. Go to the gym without her. If she then comments upon the food, reply 'I know. Could you imagine how unhealthy somebody could look if they never went to the gym but ate this much?'

    2. Don't tell her. Or say size 24 or 0 or something equally ridiculous.

    3. You should have answered 'No. I just don't want to look like I just crawled out of a Walmart Clearance bin'.

    4. How do you dance without moving your legs? I'd probably answer something like 'It must be a tough job, especially when she has to put up with jealous people who couldn't ever be a professional dancer being mean to her'.

    5. You could say you like kind hearted people around you and you like her better when she isn't mean to others. Then block her number.




    Seriously, are you like 13 and have the classroom princess deciding to be friends with you? Or is her name Paris Hilton and you're trying to be her BFF?



    Enjoy the trip, avoid her whenever possible, when she wants to be your friend, have something else to do.

    Yes, on number one, I do just go to the gym and not invite/tell her. Then when she comments that we are eating too much food I tell her that I don't mind fueling my body with a large volume of fuel because I want to be healthy.

    I also told her that I did not think the dancer was fat. I thought that she looked really good and that I think that even fit women can have thighs.

    I guess next time I'll have to straight out say something about not wanting to hear negative body talk. I guess my "hints" are too weak :/

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