Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

My wife had gotten out of a verbally abusive relationship just before we got together so many years ago. Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image were all effected (she was 22 at the time). Good, honest compliments and support in everything she did was key to restoring her self confidence and recognizing herself as the smart, beautiful woman I saw.

I tell my wife "I love you" at least a dozen times each day for the past 20 years; I do my best impersonation of Robert McGreggor (movie "Rob Roy") when I express "You know how fine you are to me, Mary Ann?"; I always give her a heartfelt "damn!", when I look her up and down, no matter if she is standing there naked or coming through the door in her work clothes (it always makes her smile); I hold her hand in mine; I listen when we talk; She is my equal and I truly believe she can be anything she wishes to be; I don't push her, I empower her; I am her rock and she is mine; she is the love of my life as I am hers, and we know it because we say it every day.

I honestly think something is not right for you. Whether it is your wife or something in the relationship, you need to be open enough to discuss it in a calm, patient, rational, manner. Be supportive, ask but don't demand an answer, be prepared to be hurt (it's possible) and let her know you can take it, ask her about couple's therapy (but don't ask her about just therapy for HER), let her know you adore her and you want to help make things right, be accepting that maybe the problem is you.

OP, instead of saying WTF and calling you cray, cray, I'm going to offer some advice. Ready. STOP IT!! Stop what you're doing cause it is full of wrong and then more wrong. It doesn't matter if she took 5hrs to get ready when you met her. How she looks shouldn't be why you married her. To say she's selfish for not wanting sex with you, I'm going to wtf you there. Can't help it. My husband can't wait to tear my clothes off, no matter what I'm wearing or how my hair is. He LOVES ME, not the image I put out. And I wouldn't want to get nekkid with someone who put me down even when they were dillusional in thinking they were praising me. Seriously! And for the love of everything holy, DO NOT TAKE A PHOTO AND TELL HER TO LOOK LIKE IT. NO. JUST NO. And yes, I'm yelling.

Lol! Yeah, this gave me an idea, instead of telling her how pretty she is, just grab her push her up against the wall, n tear her clothes off. Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes after a few years of marriage, plus however many years you were together before marriage, things can get boring in the bedroom. Maybe the two of you just need to spice things up. As far as how she's dressed, who cares! :happy: :smokin:

Dude... Dude.... Dude.... I'm going to be brutally honest here, even if it doesn't seem so, the following is meant to help you.


"arguments about her hair"... "Throw away her stuff"... "women listen up"..
You are exhibiting signs of controlling behavior, that is what is wrecking her confidence, and your cost is the problems in bed. I didin't read the 7 pages, only the original post, hopefully others said something along the same lines.

Do not define "appropriate appearance" for a woman, its like asking for a death sentence. Just appreciate her beauty, hoodie or evening gown.. should not matter. If it does, rethink your purpose in that marriage, 3 years is easier to correct a mistake than 13 or 23.

this!

Oh boy, I don't think you are trying to be mean, although it sounds like some people think you are (I did not have time to read all the posts). No one really can say how or what your relationship with your wife should be except for you and your wife. Everyone is different, and it's the agreements we make with each other that keep a marriage together (I've been married 32 years). Of course, they have to be agreements we are comfortable making. It doesn't work to try to change someone else and it doesn't work to try to change yourself for someone else. So you have to agree that certain differences are OK and love someone as they are. I remember being 22 and how insecure I was then. I honestly had no clue that I was pretty, sexy, etc. Looking back I cannot believe how I under-appreciated myself. The funny thing is, my husband always appreciated it, and told me all the time how good-looking he was and how much he loved me. I was still insecure. I still had the image of myself age 11-13, the chubby girl no one wanted to dance with in junior high school. I just couldn't help it - even though I was thin and cute. I don't think I really ever became "comfortable in my own skin" until my mid-30s. Fortunately, my husband and I were able to keep working on our relationship, improving our communication, and in the long run, we have ended up better than ever. You should try to talk to your wife about how you feel - make it about you, not about her, so it's not you criticizing her, it's you saying how you feel, and giving her a chance to say whatever she has to say about herself. If you keep communicating, and don't try to always solve each other's problems and hang ups (sometimes all someone needs is a good listener - it took my husband a while to realize I was only asking for that, not to have someone give me advice or try to solve all my problems, only I can do that part), you will get through this. Focus on the things you love and admire about your wife and keep talking and above all listening to her. Good luck and best wishes!

My wife had gotten out of a verbally abusive relationship just before we got together so many years ago. Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image were all effected (she was 22 at the time). Good, honest compliments and support in everything she did was key to restoring her self confidence and recognizing herself as the smart, beautiful woman I saw.

I tell my wife "I love you" at least a dozen times each day for the past 20 years; I do my best impersonation of Robert McGreggor (movie "Rob Roy") when I express "You know how fine you are to me, Mary Ann?"; I always give her a heartfelt "damn!", when I look her up and down, no matter if she is standing there naked or coming through the door in her work clothes (it always makes her smile); I hold her hand in mine; I listen when we talk; She is my equal and I truly believe she can be anything she wishes to be; I don't push her, I empower her; I am her rock and she is mine; she is the love of my life as I am hers, and we know it because we say it every day.

I honestly think something is not right for you. Whether it is your wife or something in the relationship, you need to be open enough to discuss it in a calm, patient, rational, manner. Be supportive, ask but don't demand an answer, be prepared to be hurt (it's possible) and let her know you can take it, ask her about couple's therapy (but don't ask her about just therapy for HER), let her know you adore her and you want to help make things right, be accepting that maybe the problem is you.

^^for the win

My wife had gotten out of a verbally abusive relationship just before we got together so many years ago. Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image were all effected (she was 22 at the time). Good, honest compliments and support in everything she did was key to restoring her self confidence and recognizing herself as the smart, beautiful woman I saw.

I tell my wife "I love you" at least a dozen times each day for the past 20 years; I do my best impersonation of Robert McGreggor (movie "Rob Roy") when I express "You know how fine you are to me, Mary Ann?"; I always give her a heartfelt "damn!", when I look her up and down, no matter if she is standing there naked or coming through the door in her work clothes (it always makes her smile); I hold her hand in mine; I listen when we talk; She is my equal and I truly believe she can be anything she wishes to be; I don't push her, I empower her; I am her rock and she is mine; she is the love of my life as I am hers, and we know it because we say it every day.

I honestly think something is not right for you. Whether it is your wife or something in the relationship, you need to be open enough to discuss it in a calm, patient, rational, manner. Be supportive, ask but don't demand an answer, be prepared to be hurt (it's possible) and let her know you can take it, ask her about couple's therapy (but don't ask her about just therapy for HER), let her know you adore her and you want to help make things right, be accepting that maybe the problem is you.

This is great!

Yes, self esteem is pretty much the sexiest thing a woman (or man) can possess.

So how can this be fixed? Well, I am happy to say that this is open discussion thus helpful hints would be appreciated. What I can say is that things are getting better as far as my wife's self confidence. She's making an increased effort to get ready, workout, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I think in doing these things, she has learned that she is worth a great deal more than she thought. Thanks for reading, feel free to respond.

This whole part makes me feel icky. And I don't know, a lot of the post made me feel icky. I obviously don't know you, your wife, your relationship, or anything about you, but you seem way too invested in your wife's self esteem... Maybe it's just coming out in this post and the rest of the time you're a pretty normal guy. I don't know.

"She has made an increased effort to [do the things I think she should]. I think in doing these things, she has learned..." Man, that is just... really uncomfortable for me to read.

I dunno. I wish you and your wife luck.

^^THIS^^

Working out indicates self worth?? NOT a cause and effect relationship. Lots of very busy, confident people in this world don't work out. "Getting ready" - for what?? Women are not Barbie dolls to be dressed for Ken's arm - time spent in front of the mirror - again, no cause and effect with self-worth. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle: are we talking about a chain-smoking binge drinker here? Or are you trying to control her weight, wrapping it in a pretty little "healthy lifestyle" wrapper?

Just words on paper but this fails the smell test for me. Topic title in itself "women listen up" - passive-aggressive. I think *you* may be feeding her self-image problems in a very passive-aggressive kind of way.

OP ,
you are a good husband and your heart is in the right place. patience is one thing that you need in abundance to work a marriage right.
when i met my husband,i was heavy and just out of a bad relationship . when he wanted to date me, i tried to drive him away cause i felt i was not good enough. it took 3 long years and endless heart to hearts to convince me that i was a nice person to be with, and finally we married. now thinking back , i think most positive reinforcements i derived was not from the appreciation of physical beauty(though it was too apparent he thought me beautiful:happy: ), but how he made an effort to express the appreciation for every little thing i do( eg. finding relevant references for his academic work,noticing he needed a new office bag, reminding him his medication at the middle of the day). a woman feels to be needed as a person... try to understand what is bugging her and let her know that you her concerned with her feelings.
good luck to you and wish you a happy life together.

It sounds like you do not know your wife...or women for that matter.....Have you even talked to her about this? Or anything? You are speaking about her like she is a child who you need to compliment for "positive reinforcement".

Just...wow.

Dude... Dude.... Dude.... I'm going to be brutally honest here, even if it doesn't seem so, the following is meant to help you.


"arguments about her hair"... "Throw away her stuff"... "women listen up"..
You are exhibiting signs of controlling behavior, that is what is wrecking her confidence, and your cost is the problems in bed. I didin't read the 7 pages, only the original post, hopefully others said something along the same lines.

Do not define "appropriate appearance" for a woman, its like asking for a death sentence. Just appreciate her beauty, hoodie or evening gown.. should not matter. If it does, rethink your purpose in that marriage, 3 years is easier to correct a mistake than 13 or 23.

:drinker:

Keep telling her shes pretty. Do little things to show her (like a silky but not just for you nightgown . Leave her little notes. I am at a perfectly healthy weight, but like your wife, I don't feel pretty in my own skin. My husband sees me differently. He recently bought me a matching bra and panty set and left a note that said he hoped it made me feel as pretty as he thinks I look. The token gesture wax wonderful and really made me smile from the inside out. Perhaps you could try something like this instead of her hair ties (I get it-you were mad;). Best of luck. Just be there. (And for the record, u will never see myself the way my husband sees me. And I don't always believe him. But I DO believe that he believes what he sees in me

I agree with this

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

OP - has your wife actually expressed that when she wears baggy clothes and her hair up, that she is hiding? When I was her age, I had a lot of insecurities about my body and I would always go out made up. Dressing down around someone meant that I was really comfortable with them and trusted that person to accept me without me having to spend an hour applying makeup and doing my hair.

I think you need to go out and buy her some hair bands if you haven't already! You need to tell your wife she can be herself, whatever state that is, and doesn't have to put on makeup for you to accept her - not necessarily in words. If you don't want to tell her she looks pretty or compliment her when she's in sweats, let her know you still accept her with a hug. I would think intimacy would be suffering if you're only give the compliments when she is dressed up the way you like - it sounds like that's what you are doing.

I've notice my BF is doing the same thing (complimenting me only when I'm dressed up), but I'm a confident woman and I recognize that he communicates his affection for me more often by touch rather than words and he still does that when I'm in my dumpy comfy clothes with my hair tied back. I can tell he desires me even when I'm dressed like a slob, even though I know he'd rather see me in a dress. I dress like a slob around him because I am comfortable with him and can be myself - I don't feel the need to present some put-together image of myself all the time (that's exhausting anyway)!

Rather than looking at her low self-esteem as being selfish (seriously?), reflect on your behavior to see how you can support her. It sounds to me like you have been saying or doing things to reinforce her insecurities. Build her up, don't tear her down. Give compliments that aren't tied to her looks, like let her know that you missed her while you were at work, or you had fun doing some activity together because she was there with you. Make her feel needed, valued and appreciated for much more than how she looks.

when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.


but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue.

I honestly think THIS was great advice. USE HER LANGUAGE. Express how you feel in a way that she will understand (more emotionally charged words).

Whatever happens, be patient. Don't be pushy. It will take time. Eventually she will come around on her own.

when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.


but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue.

I honestly think THIS was great advice. USE HER LANGUAGE. Express how you feel in a way that she will understand (more emotionally charged words).

Whatever happens, be patient. Don't be pushy. It will take time. Eventually she will come around on her own.

This is intelligent and practical advice, in my opinion.

This may have already been said, but I couldn't read anymore responses. A man coming to message boards LOOKING FOR ADVICE TO MAKE HIS WOMAN HAPPY should NOT be disrepected. PERIOD

I'm 35, female, unpredictable self-esteem. It amazes me that you've associated spending-little-time-on-yourself with the i'm-not-worth-it aspect. It is quite true for many women, including myself, and I hadn't ever realized it. On days I don't feel pretty (most of the time), I won't bother doing anything. But on the better days, I put on a little more makeup and actually do something with my hair.

Don't stop telling your wife she's beautiful, important, funny, awesome.. all those things. But what's more important to a woman than words is ACTIONS. Are you going to strip clubs? Subscribe to playboy? Take an obvious double-take at anything involving car/half-naked-woman? She gets her negativity from anything media, and probably other women. 99% of women are b--ches, that's why we don't like each other.

But anyways... take a good look at her whole environment. If you had a baby, you'd possibly get down on your knees and childproof the house. Take the time to wifeproof it. If she reads any women's magazines (vogue, cosmo, etc...) suggest that she stop buying them. "I married you because I love you. I don't want one of those girls (referring to the models)." I'd tell you to throw them away, but we see how well that flies on these groups.

Possibly, take her to the spa. Careful though... try to plan something together. Get a manicure while she gets her nails done. If you just take HER to get something done by herself, she might think you're saying "your hair is ugly." Lots of guys like manicures, they just don't talk about it. She's your wife. Invest in her. Who cares if you, too, come out with nice nails or soft feet.

And it is entirely possible that she is just more comfortable as she rolls out of bed. You have to evaluate the whole picture. There's no sense in spending 2 hours on oneself to sit at home and do chores or watch tv. See if the community college in your area offers ballroom dance lessons. That'll give you both a reason to dress up and do something together, and it's hella fun too! If not at the college, find a Groupon deal. Surprise her with something you can do TOGETHER. Shoot, I'd suggest that for any couple.

Good luck!