Who has had long distance relationship success?

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squirrelzzrule22
squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm at a loss so I'm turning to the Internet!

After a lot of discussion, my boyfriend and I have decided it is best for him to take his amazing job offer across the country as opposed to moving in with me for the year and being un- or under- employed. He wanted the latter...basically said if I asked him to stay than he would. But I just couldn't do that to him....I feel like it could lead to resentment and he deserves this amazing job he's worked so hard for (I won't name the company but he's a software engineer for a very impressive company and after a childhood and adolescence spent at times homeless he will now be making into six figures....I'm so proud of him!).

So in three months he will be moving across the country. We will have been together a year when he leaves. It's not very long but we've been....incredibly, stupidly happy. I have one more year of law school here, and he wants me to move in with him when I graduate. He wants me to do that with or without a job....I'm in a very specific area of law. It would be possible to get a job in the same city but it is far from a guarantee. I'm not comfortable with the idea of moving in with him and letting him support me if I don't have a job. We wouldn't have to make a final decision on that aspect until a year from now.

So, assuming we decide to live together after I graduate, we will be long distance for ten months. We probably would have the ability to see each other every six weeks plus a longer span over the holidays. It's still open ended how things will resolve in a year but neither one of us is willing to break up. I have to figure out if I'm comfortable with the idea of moving to a totally new city to live with someone (it will be the first time I've lived with a boyfriend) when my entire family is on the other coast (and will not approve.) But....I love him. Sigh. Isn't life supposed to be easy or something??

I'm 24 and he is 25. No plans to get married, even if everything goes well I don't think that would happen for at least 4 years...at least.

Any advice? Anyone done this successfully? Can anyone tell me if I'd like Seattle? It's been a miserable past couple of weeks worrying about all this.....

Replies

  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    10 months is no biggie, especially if you already have an established relationship. Less questions like "is it going to work" as you know it does.

    My fiance and I had a long distance relationship for three years. He just moved here.
    It was rough but I'd not change a thing.
  • twanthe1
    twanthe1 Posts: 407
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    They suck.. After awhile people naturally get close to people they are around all the time.. IMO long distance relationships seldom work - if you love him and want to be with him you can make it work otherwise I would move on.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
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    10 months is no biggie, especially if you already have an established relationship. Less questions like "is it going to work" as you know it does.
    This. The established (successful) relationship part is key.

    But I also feel this way about it.
    They suck.. After awhile people naturally get close to people they are around all the time.. IMO long distance relationships seldom work - if you love him and want to be with him you can make it work otherwise I would move on.
  • Charlixoxo
    Charlixoxo Posts: 94 Member
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    I met my boyfriend (now fiancé) 2 years ago, 1 year into the relationship he moved due to his job. He asked me to go with him but my dad had passed away that year and I felt it too soon to leave my mum on her own,

    We loved each other very much and knew we wanted to be together, which is what kept us going.
    We kept in contact every day by phone or text, and the longest we went without seeing each other was 6 months- which was hard, but well worth it!

    You have got to remember it won't be forever, and if you really love each other of course it can work!
    When I decided to move in with him, he proposed to me and we are now engaged and living together! So even though it was hard, and I missed him so much and cried and got frustrated... It was all worth it!

    And I has the same trouble as you,. I was very very uneasy about moving somewhere new, where I didn't know anyone etc. but I got used to it quickly, and now I love it! :) I'm sure your other half will help you adapt and hopefully because you're in love, he is worth it!

    Xoxo
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    For the first 18 months of our relationship my (now) husband and I lived apart. I was in DC and he was in Detroit. We were friends prior to the beginning of the relationship, so we had a foundation of trust. If you have a solid foundation for your relationship the adjustment of the long distance is difficult, but I suspect that it's easier than starting out long distance.
  • Katey911
    Katey911 Posts: 80 Member
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    It can totally work, and I'm proof. My relationship STARTED as long-distance and now we're engaged and living together, almost 5 years later. We were long-distance for almost three years. We alternated visits as it made sense and never went more than 8wks without seeing each other (and only went that long once, because it was so hard!).

    We now live where he is from, which is a more remote area; when we were long-distance, I lived in a big city. This meant flights to and from him were expensive and few, which was a hassle, but we still made it work.

    As someone else said, if you both want it to work, it will. I never felt less than a priority in his life, even when we were far apart. I've been in other LDR where that wasn't the case, and my insecurities couldn't handle it. With my fiance, we talked daily and texted often - so we weren't ever really out of touch, except physically. :)

    I don't think there was a single drop-off at the airport that I didn't cry, but even with the hardship of long-distance the relationship was worth it. Long-distance was hard, but being without him would have been harder.

    Sounds like you guys have a plan in place, which helps. Time will fly and you'll have school to keep you busy and distracted. Good luck!
  • BaileyP3
    BaileyP3 Posts: 151 Member
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    It's quite manageable. Hubby and I did it for a year before we married then for 3 months during our first year married for immigration reasons. (first he moved to Canada from the US. Then we did it again when I moved from Canada to the US. :-))

    Keep in mind with technology where it is now you have the capability of ongoing contact :-) When we went through it texting wasn't available, video chat and cell phones weren't as mainstream...we had email and a landline.

    You'd be surprised at how quickly 10 months passes.
    Best of luck
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    You guys are great, thanks so much! It's really great to hear of people who have done this successfully.

    I guess a part of what troubles me is that I have been raised to think of this sort of situation as so impractical. And right at this moment the idea of moving there makes me feel....I dunno, less independent? Like its wrong to move somewhere for a guy....but then again I'm not a 19 year old with a pot head college boyfriend anymore (and thank god I'm not!) so it's not insane to factor someone into my life in that way, especially because I'm sure he would do the same for me....

    I don't know, it's a lot to think about! But I really appreciate the advice and love hearing about ways it's worked out!!
  • mrs_mab
    mrs_mab Posts: 1,024 Member
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    Mine is a long story, so I'll try to shorten it up......I met my husband 20 years ago while visiting my dad in Georgia over Christmas break. I was a senior in high school back in Arizona, he was 22. We went out for dinner and the connection was instant (pardon the cliche, but I would definitely say love at first sight). Well I had to go back home (2200 miles away) to finish school, and he had his job here in GA, so he obviously wasn't moving to AZ, I am sure my mom would have loved that! LOL! Anyway we decided we wanted to try the long distance relationship thing, we didn't want to see or talk to anyone else. We talked on the phone everyday/night getting to know each other. Now this was back before cell phones and laptops were common place, so we had some atrocious phone bills (between us both, we racked up $600+ a month on phone calls) I remember one month I couldn't pay for it, and mom cut off the long distance until it got paid. All in all we were apart from Jan 93 - Jan 94 except for a week in March when he flew me out for my spring break. I graduated in May of 93, and continued working and saving money to make the cross country move at 18 years old. Now here we are 20 years later, blissfully happy with 2 amazing kids! We are best friends, and now we can't hardly stand to spend a night apart from each other! It takes A LOT of trust, and communication on both parts. The amount of things we learned about each other from our daily hour+ conversations was amazing! If you want to do it, you can! Best of luck, and congrats to your boyfriend on his new job opportunity! Im sure the time will fly and you'll be together before you know it!
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    Mine is a long story, so I'll try to shorten it up......I met my husband 20 years ago while visiting my dad in Georgia over Christmas break. I was a senior in high school back in Arizona, he was 22. We went out for dinner and the connection was instant (pardon the cliche, but I would definitely say love at first sight). Well I had to go back home (2200 miles away) to finish school, and he had his job here in GA, so he obviously wasn't moving to AZ, I am sure my mom would have loved that! LOL! Anyway we decided we wanted to try the long distance relationship thing, we didn't want to see or talk to anyone else. We talked on the phone everyday/night getting to know each other. Now this was back before cell phones and laptops were common place, so we had some atrocious phone bills (between us both, we racked up $600+ a month on phone calls) I remember one month I couldn't pay for it, and mom cut off the long distance until it got paid. All in all we were apart from Jan 93 - Jan 94 except for a week in March when he flew me out for my spring break. I graduated in May of 93, and continued working and saving money to make the cross country move at 18 years old. Now here we are 20 years later, blissfully happy with 2 amazing kids! We are best friends, and now we can't hardly stand to spend a night apart from each other! It takes A LOT of trust, and communication on both parts. The amount of things we learned about each other from our daily hour+ conversations was amazing! If you want to do it, you can! Best of luck, and congrats to your boyfriend on his new job opportunity! Im sure the time will fly and you'll be together before you know it!

    Wow! That is so great for you guys, thanks for sharing! A real life romance :)
  • BaileyP3
    BaileyP3 Posts: 151 Member
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    I guess a part of what troubles me is that I have been raised to think of this sort of situation as so impractical. And right at this moment the idea of moving there makes me feel....I dunno, less independent? Like its wrong to move somewhere for a guy....but then again I'm not a 19 year old with a pot head college boyfriend anymore (and thank god I'm not!) so it's not insane to factor someone into my life in that way, especially because I'm sure he would do the same for me....

    :-)) Everything old is new again. My godmother followed my godfather to Canada from Ireland in 1954. My grandmother came from England to find a new life (and husband). We just do it with better technology
  • kariannmbc
    kariannmbc Posts: 144
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    I am in a semi-similar situation myself, though we've been long distance from the beginning. When I finish school in about a year, I'm planning to move to where he is. It's doable, especially with lots of skype dates, phone calls, and visits.
  • Naomi81378
    Naomi81378 Posts: 681 Member
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    This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I have alot of sad days that I am missing him like crazy. Then he sends me a message just saying he loves me and that he is thinking about me. And that makes me smile. So it can work. We both live in different states. Both of us are not in a place that we can be together at the moment. But it will happen someday and we will finally be happy. :) We have only known each other 8 months. But it feels like I have known him forever. We have so much in common and we get along amazing. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me. I just wish I meant him earlier in life. We talk almost everyday on the phone and always sending messages back and forth. But I am so in love with him, and he is in love with me. He is definitely my soul mate and my true love. We both were not even looking for a relationship. We just started talking as friends and it grow into something so amazing. But in my case I would move to be with him in a heartbeat... he is that perfect. :)

    Things happen for a reason and things always work out at the end.
  • abbirose13
    abbirose13 Posts: 15 Member
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    I am in a long distance relationship and have been for two years. I am in England, whilst he is in Australia. We are pretty much as far away as we could possibly be.
    It has been and is really quite a challenge -- but our timezones seem to work well together..My morning is his evening and vice versa.
    I think we have stuck together throughout though because we have made sure we constantly are communicating. The longest we have spoke in a day is 14 hours! And the shortest is sometimes only 30 minutes. So make sure communication is as much as it can be, however I also believe that trust is a VITAL component in long distance relationships.
    As I said, this is challenging and you both have to put all your effort into it..However when you are together again it is the most beautiful moment, and when it is finally over and the distance does not exist -- what an achievement!! :)
    I agree with everybody else as well. With the modern technology we have today, it is very achievable. Just make sure you skype, call, text, whatever you can. And if a visit is too much to ask at any point, just plan a date. Having something to look forward to can really help the days go faster!

    Good luck and best wishes xx
  • whatshouldieat
    whatshouldieat Posts: 101 Member
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    No matter what, Long distance relationships puts a strain on the relationship. Each person has needs and if your not making weekend trips on a regular basis those needs may turn into desires with someone else. Will it work, yes it can as long as two people are on on the same page and the work is put into it. Otherwise each life will take a different path. You are both young and have alot to live for. Ask yourself this if you have the following and answer yes to all on both of you, then I see it working.
    1. Vulnerability
    2. Understanding
    3. Empathy
    4. Compassion
    5. Respect
    6. Trust
    7. Acceptance
    8. Honesty
    9. Communication
    10. Compatibility
    11. Personal Integrity
    12. Consideration.
    If you answer yes to at least 90% of the following 12 your long distance will be a success. If not, well its better to love and lost than never to have loved. Good Luck

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