Is my mom manipulative or "just being a mom!"?

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RoseLuxe
RoseLuxe Posts: 7
in Chit-Chat
Okay, sorry guys. I am pretty lost & have no idea where else I can post this...... I hope this is okay? It's not much fun & games though... :o

Anyway, I'd love some advice regardless. Basically my mom pushes me & forces me into things because "she loves me" and "only wants the best for me", even when it's absolutely NOT what I want to do. I'm not being a dumb teenager here or anything, I'm an adult with my own life & I ALWAYS take her opinion into consideration, but if I don't actually do as she wants she takes it as an attack on her. Like I'm saying no to hurt her or something.

Whenever I say anything like, "No, mom, I can't do that.. I'm sorry. I know you only want to help but it's not right for me to do that." she will become a mix of angry and sad, she will cry and raise her voice in a way as if I have just personally attacked her. She becomes almost sarcastic and she will say something like "Well I'm only doing this for YOU and I only want to help YOU. I'm doing this because I LOVE YOU" but she will say it in a super pissed off way, which makes me feel like I've been guilt tripped.

It does make me feel guilty, broken down, like I'm a bad person for making my own choices. She gets so hurt and angry that I'm not accepting her help. She makes it out as if I'm doing it to hurt her. it starts fights and I really hate it... but if I back down and let her do this, even if it's "for the best", well, what's the point? It's starting to break apart out relationship & I'm not sure what to do.

This can't just be normal mom behavior, right?

Replies

  • ScatteredThoughts
    ScatteredThoughts Posts: 3,562 Member
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    She sounds overly controlling, from what you have said. What is an example of something she has pushed on you?
  • WIChelle
    WIChelle Posts: 471 Member
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    As a mom of one adult and one almost adult it sounds controlling but I think an example would be helpful also.
  • stasherella
    stasherella Posts: 46 Member
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    Are you an only child? Sounds like she has not let her baby go. Are you your mom's only source of entertainment or social life? may want to get her into groups or introduce her to new things...
  • RamblinRose1962
    RamblinRose1962 Posts: 21 Member
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    No, this is not "normal Mom behavior". It sounds like your mom may need to see someone. May I ask how old your mom is?
  • RamblinRose1962
    RamblinRose1962 Posts: 21 Member
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    And yes, an example of what your mom is pushing on you would be a great help as others have suggested.
  • SoozeE512
    SoozeE512 Posts: 439 Member
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    I guess it depends on what the arguments are over. Are you undereating? Are you on drugs? I'd say anything that puts your health in jeopardy could send a mother into some pretty crazy behavior.

    Or maybe it is what someone else said, just having a hard time letting her baby go.
  • Dawnomite
    Dawnomite Posts: 37 Member
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    I agree on the example part. It does sound controlling however, things can be skewed when not seeing the whole picture.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
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    Specific examples would really help.She does sound controlling,but if they were extenuating circumstances then that would be a different story.

    Please site an example so it's clearer for us.
  • Suzyqall72
    Suzyqall72 Posts: 105
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    It says you're 23. If that's right, you are an adult, and your mom should treat you like one. She can give advice or comment on choices you're making, that's normal. She can be disappointed too, that's fine. It seems like she is trying to manipulate you by crying and making you feel guilty. I think that's too much. Just explain that you love her, value her opinion, etc. but you are an adult and capable of calling your own shots. I've had talks like that with my mom over the years and we are closer now than ever. She got her feelings hurt a few times, but they have to let you go eventually.
  • RoseLuxe
    RoseLuxe Posts: 7
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    Thanks for the replies! :-)

    There is no crazy stuff going on like drugs or anything, but we do live quite far from each other. I understand that this could increase feelings of worry from her, which is natural, and that's okay.

    An example would be: "Let me take control of your bank account and give you an allowance for food."

    That's actually fine, I have bulimia and I spend A LOT of money on binges. The idea in principle is fine, but I do really want to try & recover the way that my ED specialist has laid out. My mom is not an ED professional, she's not a DR. I know she wants to just magically fix me like every other mom out there, but I just don't think my mom understands what a long process recovery is even though I've told her many times. She doesn't think my ED is getting better because I still binge even though I tell her progress is slow but it's still progress. She thinks that stopping me from getting into my account would stop my binges, but would that stop a drug addict from getting drugs? Probably not, right?

    The other problem is that when I say that ^^^^^^ she gets upset. I love her SO MUCH and I want to make her happy, I don't want to hurt her at all, but I really need to keep some sort of independence and control....I mean, that's what EDs are all about. Hell, that's why I'm HERE. I'm helping myself get better! Does that help?

    Seriously, I think because I care about her way too much it just makes everything a big mass of emotions,
  • ScatteredThoughts
    ScatteredThoughts Posts: 3,562 Member
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    Thanks for the additional information. I noticed that in another post you mentioned having an issue with Neuro Cardio Syncope. Was this related to your ED? If so, I would imagine that your mother is very concerned about your health. She may not be a professional, but she is probably trying to protect your health in the only ways she knows how.

    Would it be possible for you and your mother to get some joint counseling regarding your ED? I think that might help her understand better how to deal with the situation.

    Just my thoughts.
  • RoseLuxe
    RoseLuxe Posts: 7
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    The NCS & ED are mildly interlinked. Only because when I purge my syncope becomes worse.

    I 100% completely understand how valid it is for her to worry, how normal it is to want to protect me, I just have issues with control & feel like I have barely any independence left. I just want to keep something. I want to show people that I really can do things by myself and get better, but I'm not given much of a chance.

    I'm not sure about the joint counselling but I will definitely look into it, thank you!
  • nightangelstars
    nightangelstars Posts: 337 Member
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    Well, moms who have children with health issues often become overprotective and treat their children as younger than they are in an effort to combat the anxiety and perceived threat to their child. That being said, this often results in a dysfunctional cycle that can make problems like EDs worse, rather than better, even though they have the best intentions in the world. RoseLuxe, no one here is going to be able to tell you anything or give you anything to make her behavior much less difficult for you, nor is it going to help her overcome whatever is causing her behavior in the first place. I second ScatteredThou's suggestion that you and Mom seek joint counseling, if distance issues don't prevent it. That tends to be helpful for things like EDs anyway, so it would probably help you in more than one way. A therapist will be able to, not only identify the problem for both of you, but to help you both work toward a resolution of the problem in a constructive way. Just be sure to find someone who knows what they are doing and has experience with the kinds of issues you'd like help with; like any other profession, psychology has it's "bad apples". Good luck! Let us know how everything shakes out.
  • foxro
    foxro Posts: 793 Member
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    Rose: There are some positives between both of you that make a good foundation for the future. She does love you and I think you love her. I think both of you want to keep that, so whatever you do like councelling, keep an objective that an outcome is that you and your Mom continue on loving each other. At some point we all have to spread our wings and leave the nest. Both parents and children sometimes have great difficulty getting past this. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck !!!:smile:
  • RamblinRose1962
    RamblinRose1962 Posts: 21 Member
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    Well, moms who have children with health issues often become overprotective and treat their children as younger than they are in an effort to combat the anxiety and perceived threat to their child. That being said, this often results in a dysfunctional cycle that can make problems like EDs worse, rather than better, even though they have the best intentions in the world. RoseLuxe, no one here is going to be able to tell you anything or give you anything to make her behavior much less difficult for you, nor is it going to help her overcome whatever is causing her behavior in the first place. I second ScatteredThou's suggestion that you and Mom seek joint counseling, if distance issues don't prevent it. That tends to be helpful for things like EDs anyway, so it would probably help you in more than one way. A therapist will be able to, not only identify the problem for both of you, but to help you both work toward a resolution of the problem in a constructive way. Just be sure to find someone who knows what they are doing and has experience with the kinds of issues you'd like help with; like any other profession, psychology has it's "bad apples". Good luck! Let us know how everything shakes out.

    I agree with this...I was going to suggest therapy to begin with............
  • RamblinRose1962
    RamblinRose1962 Posts: 21 Member
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    And yes GOOD LUCK! You and your Mom are so lucky to have each other! :heart:
  • RoseLuxe
    RoseLuxe Posts: 7
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    Thank you for all your help everyone. I really appreciate it. :heart:
  • AuddAlise
    AuddAlise Posts: 723 Member
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    Worry about you is no reason to excuse her behavior. Anytime one adult tries to control another adult through manipulating emotions is wrong. YES she is manipulating you. From what you've written it sounds like shes trying to manipulate you by using your disorder against you. What kind of loving mother does that?

    Next time she starts with the "you're hurting my feelings" tell her that until she gets control of her extra emotions you should table to conservation...then hang up. Also do you have caller ID? Simply don't answer her calls as often. Just because a phone rings does NOT mean you have to answer it. Only pick up the phone if you feel strong enough to deal with her. Teach her how to treat you; cause at this point you're still acting like her child. Not a grown adult.
  • bill323
    bill323 Posts: 100
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    My ma is the same way. I am turning 35 next week and have three kids of my own. She has a long track record of mentally abusing me under the guise of trying to love and help me. I disowned her for 7 years after she refused to come to my wedding. I was able to keep her at arms length for years after I reconnected with her but she is up to her games again so I am going to slowly work her away from me and my kids and keep it that way until her hormones level out.

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