Question For The Guys On Here! Long But Please Bear With Me

Let's say you broke up with your girlfriend & then later on down the road you decided it was a huge mistake and you really wanted to be in a relationship with her again.

Let's say that ex-girlfriend lives a 1 hour & 10 minute drive away from you. If you still had strong feelings for her & really wanted to be with her, would you let that amount of distance stop you? Would you instead decide oh screw it, I guess I'll just date someone else that lives right in my city since that would be more convenient for me? I think I already know how most of you will answer this but please let me know what you think.

I ask that because my ex & I have been broken up for a long time but he's constantly trying to convince me to move to his area. He does this even though he's been with someone else for a year now. He's been texting me a lot the past few weeks asking me if I want to rent out one of his properties (which is right in his area). I've told him before that I have absolutely no interest in having an ex-boyfriend as a landlord but he just keeps asking me anyways. He left me a voicemail this morning saying he has several people interested in renting this property but hasn't rented it yet because he was waiting to see if I want it. It was really annoying me that he keeps asking about it so after a week of ignoring his calls and texts I sent him this text about an hour ago:
"I have ZERO interest in renting out/living in your ____ property so go ahead & rent it to someone else that wants it. I've made it very clear that I have NO interest in living there so any further inquiries about if I want to rent ___ or ANY of your properties will be ignored".

Here was his response via text:
"Why not? I want you and ____ (my daughter) to live there".

When I didn't respond to that one he sent another text saying:
"What if we were dating"?

Is it just me or is that really sh**ty of him to keep trying to convince me to move to his area when he has a GF that he hasn't even broken up with yet? Not to mention, I've told him that I'm happy where I am right now & have no interest moving to his area anytime soon. We've actually been broken up for a few years now&he always tries to get me to move up there & makes it sound like the "long distance" is the number one reason we've never ended up reconciling. To me that sounds like just an excuse though. If he really wanted to be with me, I'd think that he'd be willing to do just about anything to be with me including driving an hour and 10 minutes each way to see me. Am I crazy for thinking that way? Does anyone else agree with me that he must not be that into me because if he was he'd be more than happy to make the drive to see me because he'd think I was worth it?? Not to mention I told him before that if/when we ever got engaged&it was obvious we were planning on trying to make things work for the long haul, then I'd be willing to move to his area. (We were in a relationship for 3 years and have also been apart for nearly 3 years now).

He's said before that if we got back together he's sure we'd be engaged pretty quickly. In my mind, that's just a bunch of b.s. because if he really meant that then why would he think driving back and forth 1 hour & 10 minutes to see me was a big deal if it would just be temporary until we got engaged? P.S.) Apparently his current GF that he's been with for a year broke up with him a week ago because she was upset that they're still not engaged yet. I guess she quickly changed her mind though & decided she wanted to try and work on things so they were only broken up for like one day. If she's upset they're not engaged yet, I'm sure he prob. just have told her the same kind fo stuff that he's told me before like how he just needs a little more time to be ready & then they'll get engaged. He's initiated countless reconciliation type talks with me the past few years yet when given the opportunity to reconcile with me, he's chosen one girl after another instead of me. Yet, he sends me texts saying stuff like "When I'm ready to get married, you're the one I want to marry". He also texts me stuff like "Please don't date anyone. I don't want you seeing other guys. I would be devastated if you get serious with someone else".

Advice/input please would be much appreciated. I've gone NC several times with him the past few years but I always seem to get sucked back into talking to him. I've told him before that I want all or nothing. Either him&I being back together & serious about trying to make it work for the long haul or else I want absolutely nothing to do with him and for him and I to have no contact. He just doesn't respect that though. Even though he's clearly not interested right now in giving me/us his all, he keeps contacting me almost every single day which I think is one of the biggest reasons I've had a hard time getting over him. I went through some rough times financially last year & he ended up loaning me quite a bit of money (which he said I wouldn't have to repay him IF we got back together). I have an inkling that he's pretty wealthy so it was probably not a hardship to him at all to loan me that money. Still though, I don't understand why he apparently cares about me enough to lend me that much money yet apparently doesn't care about me enough to actually want to be with me?

I thought it was really nice of him at the time to loan me that money but now I see it as more of a crappy thing that he did, like it was maybe more of a way to try to keep some control over me as he knew it would ensure that I'd have to maintain at least SOME level of contact with him until it was all paid back. I'm really stressed out right now because I thought I'd get a really big tax return and would be able to pay him back at least a big chunk of what I owe him with it. However, I just did my taxes last night and cried when I realized that I really can't afford to send him even a penny of my tax return as it was much, much smaller than I was expecting. I need every penny of it just to help me get caught up with my current bills. I'm so sad and stressed right now. I don't have a car (haven't had one for the past few years). I want so badly to get a car. I'm getting so sick an tired of having to take the bus and/or cabs everywhere. Also, I have a teenage daughter that's going to want to get her driver's permit within the next year or two. I definitely want to be able to help teach her to drive & of course I can't do that without a car. So, now I'm stuck with a bit of a moral dilemma that I'm really torn about. Do you guys think I should not get a car until AFTER my ex is totally paid back? Or, should I send him a little bit less every month than what I can actually afford to spend and put the rest towards buying a car?

Replies

  • microscrubbers
    microscrubbers Posts: 22 Member
    Advice is what we ask for, what we already know, but wish we didn't.
  • microscrubbers
    microscrubbers Posts: 22 Member
    that means.....from what you wrote, he ain't the one..........
  • Thanks for your input microscrubber.

    I should probably also mention that he's told me before that he's not satisfied with my weight. Some people would say that he's being a shallow jerk. Part of me thinks that but then again I can't say that I blame him for that as I am pretty overweight right now & if I'm not even close to happy with how my body looks right now, why would I expect him (or any other guy) to be okay with it? I haven't even tried to date for several months now because I know I'd feel really insecure and self conscious at my current size.

    The main thing that bothers me though is that he did absolutely nothing to try to help me lose weight while we were still together. I know it's my responsibility to lose the weight but it just bothers me that he complains about how I'm still not at my goal weight yet he did nothing to help me. I can't say I blame him for being dissatisfied with my weight but I feel like if he really cared about me he would have at least tried to support my weight loss efforts instead of just dumping me. We used to go on long walks together at least a few nights a week when we were first together. Then he claimed he was too tired after work to go walking with me & so we didn't go walking together anymore. I'd try to lift weights (like 5 or 10 lb dumbbells) and/or do ab crunches while we were watching TV & he'd get annoyed and tell me to stop because he said it was too distracting. He asked me to make him brownies all the time even though he knew that it would be really hard for me to resist the temptation and not have any. We went to several different restaurants over the years but the one we went to the most (his favorite) had very few healthy meals to choose from. Like I said before, I don't blame him for not being satisfied with my weight but if he KNOWS he wouldn't be happy with my weight right now & he KNOWS I don't want to be just friends, then why not just leave me the h*ll alone and stop contacting me?? Then, if he sees my pic on FB or a dating site or wherever some day & he's super attracted to me because I've finally reached my goal weight AND he's serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me THEN contact me? In that case though I might very well say no after all the stuff he's said and done to hurt me, especially since I'm sure I'd have plenty of other guys that would also be interested in dating me. I might very well decide to choose one of them instead.

    What I really don't get though is I've seen pics of his current GF & she also looks like she's overweight not to mention has a pretty ugly looking face. (Not to be rude but just being honest here). She looks as though she's at least a little bit less overweight then me but still looks to be a long, long ways from what I assume would be her goal weight. Yet, he's been with her for a year now. I get it that looks aren't everything. I just find it odd though that while he harps on me about my weight yet still sends me texts saying things like "You're really pretty", it's apparently okay for his current GF to be overweight? She lives right in his area so I guess it's just more convenient for him to be with her.
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    Pay him back to absolve any lingering obligation you might feel. Then drop his *kitten*. Dude ain't worth it.
  • Thanks for responding to my post quirky. You're right. I guess he's not worth it or he wouldn't keep hurting me by jerking me around like this.
  • Warchortle
    Warchortle Posts: 2,197 Member
    Decisions have consequences.

    Consequences are connotative(-ly) bad, but can also be good. He sounds like a loser.
  • I'll make this short and sweet.....forget him!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,898 Member
    If my kid were old enough, I'd ask them first.:wink:

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    If a man truly loves you, he will go to great lengths to be with you if it's at all possible. It doesn't sound like he's putting in too much effort. It sounds to me like he wants you conveniently located so he can mess around on his current honey. I assume there was a reason you guys broke up to begin with? Would things be any different this time around? He doesn't sound too appealing to me.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    If a man truly loves you, he will go to great lengths to be with you if it's at all possible. It doesn't sound like he's putting in too much effort. It sounds to me like he wants you conveniently located so he can mess around on his current honey.

    THIS. Stay far away from this guy.
  • laurynwithawhy
    laurynwithawhy Posts: 385 Member
    If a man truly loves you, he will go to great lengths to be with you if it's at all possible. It doesn't sound like he's putting in too much effort. It sounds to me like he wants you conveniently located so he can mess around on his current honey.

    THIS. Stay far away from this guy.

    This. AND, if a guy will cheat WITH you, he WILL cheat ON you. So if you were to get back with him, rest assured that he would be texting random girls behind your back too.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    Oh he's d!cking you around and knowing that you have a kid, that's not cool. So here's what you tell him. If he wants you to live close to him, he can move you in with him and throw her out. You will not pay rent in his place and you must go to the justice of the peace for your marriage papers first. The end.
  • blytheandbonnie
    blytheandbonnie Posts: 3,275 Member
    Pay him back and change your phone number. Or you could simply block his phone number.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,023 Member
    He's a scumbag. Pay him back ASAP and cut contact completely.
  • likeschocolate
    likeschocolate Posts: 368 Member
    Pay him back, because it's the right thing to do.

    It will also free you from future obligation / contact.

    Also, given the description you've provided: the relationship is not the right thing to do.
    There are too many negative signs. The timing of what he's saying and doing, is driven by convenience, not love.
  • anifani4
    anifani4 Posts: 457 Member
    Why only ask the guys what they think? This dude is a loser and what he is doing is called stalking. You must find a way to repay the loan.....perhaps by getting a loan from someone or somplace (bank, credit union) else. Then do not respond to him, ever again.
    You must be strong.


    Oh, but your question was, if you love someone, would you drive for a bit over an hour to visit her? My boyfriend ... the man I eventually married...drove 4 hours to see me every weekend for months.
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
    He wants to either have you close by as a handy side dish, or he wants to have you nearby so he can make a seamless transition from her to you (and then cheat on you later, no doubt). That's some serious vine-swinging right there.

    I can't believe you're wasting all this time and trouble on a patently obvious dirtbag. Stop taking his calls, stop answering his texts, and move on with your life. You don't have to talk to him every day because you owe him money. Mail him payments or something. He's not your friend, he's your ex. Have some self-respect and stop giving him so much room in your brain.
  • Thank you very much for the advice everyone.