Am I making my girlfriend fat?
kayleepie
Posts: 26 Member
I've been losing weight consistantly for the last 6 months or so whilst my girlfriend has put a little bit of weight on. Today, a friend of mine told me I was eating vicariously through my girlfriend and I was causing her to gain weight. I cook most of the time, and I often use higher calorie ingredients in her food because she prefers it (Real cheese instead of diet cheese, gnocchi instead of low cal noodles, regular soft drink instead of diet, etc.). She pays for half of the groceries so I don't just buy all diet stuff that she will complain about, I buy what I like and I buy what she likes. Sometimes I bake treats and only have a little myself and leave the rest for her. And sometimes when I buy groceries I pick up little things I know she will like, but that I refuse to eat because of their high calorie content. Should I stop doing this? I know she wants to lose weight, but she isn't actively trying to. I also know that she will complain if there aren't treats and higher calorie options in the house.
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she is an adult and you are not respnsible for her, if she is complaining about wanting to lsoe wieght an dthen sitting there eating a pack of cookies then there isn't much you cna do about it.
I buy very little treats into the house for various reasons, 1 i don't want to be tempted myself, 2 i don't want my kids eating too much junk (i bake their treats and try use as healthy as possible ingredients), if my husband wants to snack on crisps and chocoalte e.t.c then he can buy it himself he is an adult i don't stop him from having them but i don't like to buy them he understands why and if he does fancy something he will go out and get it himself he is an adult (and skinny eats what he wants and still skinny grrrrrrrrr)
maybe just say you are fed up cooking 2 meals and you will be cooking 1 meal from now on if she doesn't want what you have cooked cos it is low fat then let her fend for herself, that's what i do, my husband eats what i have made or does his own i am not messing about cooking different meals e.t.c
no one is responsible for anyone's weight gain except themselves, it might not be helping her having the treats e.t.c but ultimately it is up to her0 -
no one makes you fat, YOU make you fat. just because food is there doesn't mean she has to eat it.
that said, why not make more healthy thing for the both of you to enjoy?0 -
You're not forcing it into her mouth. It's up to her what she eats.0
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It sounds like you are making two separate, if similar, meals. Instead perhaps make the "healthy" version and leave her the option of adding to it if she wants to (cheese, sauces, salt, etc). I agree with the other replies that she is responsible for her self and her own choices. If she doesn't like the meals you make or the food you buy, encourage her to share in more of the cooking and food buying.
One of my pet peeves since I started MFP is that the family members doing the grocery shopping will bring home things I am trying not to eat now but that they know I like. They were trying to be thoughtful, but I wished they had asked first. When a treat bought is only something I like I feel guilty not eating it. I don't like wasting food or money. So I had a chat with them about not doing this, and got more involved with the grocery list.
It's great that you are being considerate of what she wants, but I think some of your concerns would be solved by asking her to contribute to the grocery list with items she specifically wants, including treat items. This way what she's eating is clearly her choice.0 -
You've hit a bit of a nerve with me, I'm afraid.
I had a roommate who used to make "papas pobres" (Spanish fried potatoes made with lard, peppers, and lots of garlic. . . I can STILL smell 'em 30 years later. . .) at least once a week for the entire semester I lived with her. At the beginning of the semester, she made this ENORMOUS pan of greasy smelly potatoes, ate about two bites, and then pushed them on me and our third roomie to finish off the pan. She joked that she couldn't eat any more because she didn't want to get fat like her mama. We both ate them dutifully although they were greasy and the garlic was burned.
The second week, when the performance was repeated, she again ate her two bites, but then we each did the same--leaving a huge pile of potatoes. After she begged us to eat more, we both took another portion, but there was still plenty left. She was clearly hurt, so we grudgingly finished off the pan.
Week 3, right on schedule, here comes the papas. This time, I told her before she started not to make any for me because I was going out later. Roomie2 said something similar, and after eating about 2 bites each, we both abandoned them. Roomie1 ceremoniously dumped the rest of the pan into the garbage (cursing and hissing in Spanish under her breath), went to her room and slammed the door. We both felt really bad, but we also thought that she'd get over it. But no. Next week, No difference. Huge mound of smelly potatoes; she eats two bites; roomie2 & 1 eat a bite or two; roomie1 dumps the rest in the trash, and slams her bedroom door.
Fifth week, Roomie2 tried to intercede in advance, thanking Roomie1 for being so thoughtful, but really, we just weren't big papas eaters, and besides we didn't want to look like her mama either! Didn't matter. Every week for the rest of the semester, those potatoes came like clockwork. Sometimes, when I saw that she'd bought more potatoes, I would try to study late or make some excuse for not even being at home that night. . but the end result was the same: a pile of uneaten potatoes in the trash, and a closed roommate's door.
Roomie2 and I finally concluded that Roomie1 was seriously deranged (there was other evidence), and those piles of potatoes were (a) the only thing she could cook and thus her only expression of friendship and love [which we, the Evil Ones, rejected]; (b) a symbol of her homesickness; (c) a weird simultaneous acceptance and rejection of her mother and the way of life that she herself was in college to abandon forever.
Now, I'm not saying that any of that applies to your situation. But I do have to wonder what YOU get out of cooking for this person--particularly cooking things that you believe to be unhealthy. And the treats? What's up with that?! Are you her mommy???!! She may be eating what you prepare and/or buy out of some sense of loyalty, and/or just because it's what's in the house--and if you just made what you were eating and skipped bringing home the treats, she may not bat an eye.
Why don't you ask her? Ask her if you used the same ingredients for both of you if she'd eat it. You might also ask her if she'd mind buying her own treats. You could say something like, "since I don't eat them anyway, I feel kinda guilty about loading up the house with crap, so I'll just let you get what you want from now on."
Then, finally, I think you REALLY need to ask yourself what get from cooking and shopping for her-- joy/ reward/ praise/ self-satisfaction/ a sense of home/ a feeling of being needed--whatever it is--. . and whether or not that thing could be fulfilled in other ways, or if you just cooked for her what you cook for yourself.0 -
Ask her what she wants, and behave accordingly. If she'd rather keep eating the real cheese, the regular noodles, the regular soft drinks, etc etc, that's on her (may I mention that I eat all of those things and have still lost weight? That's not the only factor in play here). Don't necessarily make it about right-versus-wrong - she's a grownup and is allowed to pick what she prefers. You can't force someone to eat healthy (or not healthy), just enable them to make informed decisions. I will say, cooking for your and cooking separately for her has to be a huge hassle. There have got to be meals out there that fit both of your needs! Good luck
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I do the same thing for my husband and children. Once in a while he'll see something I'm eating and ask for it himself. If I forced him to only eat my lower fat/lower cal food, he wouldn't be happy.0
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It doesn't sound like you are but when I make really tasy meals my bf goes "MMmmm!" and compliments, and I lap it up. When I do healthy stuff, which usually takes more work, I just get silence.
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It sounds like you are making two separate, if similar, meals. Instead perhaps make the "healthy" version and leave her the option of adding to it if she wants to (cheese, sauces, salt, etc). I agree with the other replies that she is responsible for her self and her own choices. If she doesn't like the meals you make or the food you buy, encourage her to share in more of the cooking and food buying.
One of my pet peeves since I started MFP is that the family members doing the grocery shopping will bring home things I am trying not to eat now but that they know I like. They were trying to be thoughtful, but I wished they had asked first. When a treat bought is only something I like I feel guilty not eating it. I don't like wasting food or money. So I had a chat with them about not doing this, and got more involved with the grocery list.
It's great that you are being considerate of what she wants, but I think some of your concerns would be solved by asking her to contribute to the grocery list with items she specifically wants, including treat items. This way what she's eating is clearly her choice.
The last paragraph...DEFINITELY! My hubby is the same way, so now he does his own shopping and much of his own cooking. Lately he has been coming to the gym with me (after me inviting him for six months...non-aggressively). I also kindly mentioned that I would be happy to help him make some minor changes to his diet if he was interested. He hasn't taken me up on the diet part yet, but I'm hoping my example (and results) will encourage him. I also offer him bites of what I'm eating, so he can see what he likes and doesn't without feeling pressured by me. He likes my healthy spaghetti, beef and broccoli and roasted chicken. If he likes what I'm eating, he's welcome to it., otherwise, he prepares his own meals. Sometimes he eats my healthy stuff just because he doesn't feel like cooking...lol We've been married for 14 years and generally agree to disagree on healthy lifestyles, but we love each other dearly, so it works for us.
Can you two go grocery shopping together. Plan meals together?0 -
Thanks for the great replies everyone!
I just had a chat with her about it because I realised that she's the person I need to talk about this with - sensitive topic or not. And she said that she is happy for my next grocery shop to be 100% healthy and that she will go out and buy treats herself if she wants them. Hopefully we can make this a permanent change!
Also, the reason that I am more than happy to make slightly different meals for the two of us is because I used to eat the same as her and I was the one who changed the foods I ate. I don't think she should be forced to change her eating habbits just because I chose to.0 -
Also, she hates grocery shopping - to the point that she refuses to come with me and she is a terrible cook. After three bouts of food poisoning in a year we both agreed that I should do the cooking. I love to cook, so it doesn't bother me at all.0
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You've hit a bit of a nerve with me, I'm afraid.
I had a roommate who used to make "papas pobres" (Spanish fried potatoes made with lard, peppers, and lots of garlic. . . I can STILL smell 'em 30 years later. . .) at least once a week for the entire semester I lived with her. At the beginning of the semester, she made this ENORMOUS pan of greasy smelly potatoes, ate about two bites, and then pushed them on me and our third roomie to finish off the pan. She joked that she couldn't eat any more because she didn't want to get fat like her mama. We both ate them dutifully although they were greasy and the garlic was burned.
The second week, when the performance was repeated, she again ate her two bites, but then we each did the same--leaving a huge pile of potatoes. After she begged us to eat more, we both took another portion, but there was still plenty left. She was clearly hurt, so we grudgingly finished off the pan.
Week 3, right on schedule, here comes the papas. This time, I told her before she started not to make any for me because I was going out later. Roomie2 said something similar, and after eating about 2 bites each, we both abandoned them. Roomie1 ceremoniously dumped the rest of the pan into the garbage (cursing and hissing in Spanish under her breath), went to her room and slammed the door. We both felt really bad, but we also thought that she'd get over it. But no. Next week, No difference. Huge mound of smelly potatoes; she eats two bites; roomie2 & 1 eat a bite or two; roomie1 dumps the rest in the trash, and slams her bedroom door.
Fifth week, Roomie2 tried to intercede in advance, thanking Roomie1 for being so thoughtful, but really, we just weren't big papas eaters, and besides we didn't want to look like her mama either! Didn't matter. Every week for the rest of the semester, those potatoes came like clockwork. Sometimes, when I saw that she'd bought more potatoes, I would try to study late or make some excuse for not even being at home that night. . but the end result was the same: a pile of uneaten potatoes in the trash, and a closed roommate's door.
Roomie2 and I finally concluded that Roomie1 was seriously deranged (there was other evidence), and those piles of potatoes were (a) the only thing she could cook and thus her only expression of friendship and love [which we, the Evil Ones, rejected]; (b) a symbol of her homesickness; (c) a weird simultaneous acceptance and rejection of her mother and the way of life that she herself was in college to abandon forever.
Now, I'm not saying that any of that applies to your situation. But I do have to wonder what YOU get out of cooking for this person--particularly cooking things that you believe to be unhealthy. And the treats? What's up with that?! Are you her mommy???!! She may be eating what you prepare and/or buy out of some sense of loyalty, and/or just because it's what's in the house--and if you just made what you were eating and skipped bringing home the treats, she may not bat an eye.
Why don't you ask her? Ask her if you used the same ingredients for both of you if she'd eat it. You might also ask her if she'd mind buying her own treats. You could say something like, "since I don't eat them anyway, I feel kinda guilty about loading up the house with crap, so I'll just let you get what you want from now on."
Then, finally, I think you REALLY need to ask yourself what get from cooking and shopping for her-- joy/ reward/ praise/ self-satisfaction/ a sense of home/ a feeling of being needed--whatever it is--. . and whether or not that thing could be fulfilled in other ways, or if you just cooked for her what you cook for yourself.
Wow your roommate sounded like she had some issues.
OP, cook her what you make yourself, there is no reason to make her a separate meal, she is a grown woman.
Most of the time I cook for my husband and I and I make healthy meals, if he wants something extra or it doesn't fill him up he makes his own food. Most of the time that's not the case. He actually lost some weight too and he feels much healthier for it.0 -
True, but if you are cooking higher calorie versions for her, and then eating your portion in front of her, while losing weight, she may not be consciously aware of how much she's eating.
it's like restaurant food. When I go to a restaurant and order something I often make for myself at home, I will eat it thinking it's just like the one I make at home, including having the same number of calories. But when I look up the calories on the restaurant's website, I'll realize that the restaurant version sometimes has TWICE as many calories as the home version.
Our bodies aren't so fine-tuned by the meal that we can detect those differnces. We eat what "seems" a reasonable portion, based on our bowls or our plate size, or how much people around us are eating. If you make each of you a salad and yours has 400 calories and hers has 800 because it has more dressing and real cheese and nuts and yours has less cheese and lowfat and no nuts -- she's going to sit across from you at the table and eat the whole thing. Yes, she's choosing to eat the whole thing -- but she's not got all the information available to her to make a good choice. She sees your version, which doesn't look so different from hers, and she sees you eating it until its gone ... and human nature says it's "safe" for her to do it too.
(Read "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink for more on this phenomenon). And then start just eating the same food for both of you.0 -
Thanks for the great replies everyone!
I just had a chat with her about it because I realised that she's the person I need to talk about this with - sensitive topic or not. And she said that she is happy for my next grocery shop to be 100% healthy and that she will go out and buy treats herself if she wants them. Hopefully we can make this a permanent change!
Also, the reason that I am more than happy to make slightly different meals for the two of us is because I used to eat the same as her and I was the one who changed the foods I ate. I don't think she should be forced to change her eating habbits just because I chose to.
It sounds like you've got a very healthy relationship!0 -
I'm coming in late, but you could always make healthy stuff that tastes great. There are lots of recipes for healthy food that taste wonderful too. I made "clean" meatballs this weekend that we will eat this week in a couple of different ways. My DH was skeptical at first, but they were really, really tasty.0
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yup0
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I'm surprised that people make separate meals. I love my husband and pick up what he suggests when I grocery shop (and he does the same for me), but I only prepare one meal. If he wants something else, well - he's a big boy. He can fend for himself. When he cooks, he prepares what he wants, and if it doesn't fit into my diet, I am free to fend for myself.0
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this may have been stated already, but i don't feel like reading back.
personally, i think eating whole foods is much better than eating "diet" foods, but I did see the mention of soda (full sugar, of course). I agree with drinking full-sugar soda if you're going to drink it, but you can tell your girlfriend that if she were to just get rid of that alone, she'd automatically see a little weight loss without any effort at all.
that is, not replace it with diet soda, but eliminate soda completely.
you could stop buying things that you know she will like and that you will not eat. that seems like you may be "setting her up" in a way, even though it may not be your intent. let her buy it herself if she should want it.
you could try making healthy, whole-food treats at home that will satisfy both your diet and hers. this is how we do it because even though my boyfriend doesn't really need to lose weight, it's important that he supports me in my effort. likewise, it's not fair to him to have to eat things he doesn't like because i'm "restricting" calories. so we draw up a middle ground and make delicious whole-food snacks.0 -
I am guilty of this too. My BF is down to like 180lbs and I'm proud of him, but sometimes I find myself sabotaging him or trying to find excuses to put us both back into our old habits.
I get sad and anxioius when his portions are smaller than mine. I have tried to cut back on feeding him and offering food. It's not fair I wouldnt be as strong as he is if the tables were reversed. This is not healthy and I've had to step back and examine my jealousy and that other side that wants to nurture with food. It's not been easy.
You need to start thinking healthy. It's not healthy to push food off onto other people or make meals extra calorie dense wether she likes it or not you are inadvertenly killing her.0 -
I'm coming in late, but you could always make healthy stuff that tastes great. There are lots of recipes for healthy food that taste wonderful too. I made "clean" meatballs this weekend that we will eat this week in a couple of different ways. My DH was skeptical at first, but they were really, really tasty.
I agree with this. My girlfriend generally likes with healthier food that I cook, especially if I remind her that it's much more nutritious and lower in calories. Unlike me, she would prefer real mac and cheese to my vegan butternut squash version, but she's happy enough with it. I know her tastes well enough by now to determine what will go over well and what won't. And every now and then I'll make chocolate cupcakes or lasagna or something else that she loves, because you only live once!0 -
I agree, are you her mommy? Let her get her own stuff. You're not forcing her to eat this stuff, but would you load up your house with liquor if you lived with a recovering alcoholic? Try to be sensitive that wieght loss is difficult and adding to the temptation is kind of dirty.0
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This is AWESOME!!! I now know why I'm an alcoholic! Be back later, must go blame ex-wife...0
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Actually went through something similar with my brother who lives with me. I’ve been on this diet losing all this weight for the last half a year, and with me it happened because I LOVE to cook, but was eating so little (unhealthily little for a while) that I wasn’t getting to cook like I liked to. I wanted an excuse to bake, and since I have good willpower when it comes to sweets the issue with baking wasn’t that I would be tempted but that it would just be a waste….so I would always bake when I was sure he was home. I knew he’s a boy so he could eat most of a pan of brownies or a plate of cookies with ease!
He’s mentioned several times about wanting to trim down the 20 pounds or so he’s put on since graduating high school, but since he doesn’t LOOK overweight or out of shape to me I just continued doing things like that…including just this past weekend making a huge plate full of special green chocolate chip/cinnamon pancakes for St. Patty’s and eating my 100-calorie oatmeal and fruit while he and my best friend devoured the mountain of pancakes. With me it wasn’t devious at all…I didn’t think about how many more calories they were consuming etc…to me, I just enjoy cooking and baking yummy things without all the diet limitations…and since my brother has always been adamant that he never wants to lose weight through being a “calorie counter”, I thought nothing of it.
Last night he’s decided after noticing another couple pounds influx on the scale that he really wants to get strict and start watching calories…so it was last night when thinking through ways to help him that I realized my extra cooking for him in order to have fun without tempting myself was probably not the best thing for him. I can still bake because I doubt he’s going to give up treats all together, but I should make sensible portions and be smarter about ingredients for him too!0 -
that's always a touchy subject when dealing with the person your in a relationship with. But if your bringing home extra snacks with high calorie content as much as she loves them it won't help her lose weight.
I don't think your making her gain weight but I would stop getting the extra stuff, she is an adult she can eat how she wants to eat and if she wants those extra unhealthy things then she can be an adult and get if for her self. Just tell her you couldn't fined it or you forgot or some thing. Or just tell her you want to support her in her chose to lose weight so your not going to pick those extra things for her any more, but she is free to do it her self.
Also if your friend is a girl you need to ask her if your girlfriend told her she thinks your making her gain weight, or if she has told this idea to your girlfriend.
I don't have to tell you how catty girls are0 -
I think you should throw out all of your spoons. Spoons make people fat.0
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Oh this is easy.
There was a friend of mine a while back who was jealous because his wife was losing weight faster than him. What he did was switch all of her low fat diet stuff for the real stuff.
It worked! It slowed down her progress and now my buddy and his wife are happier than ever!
Anyways, just do the exact opposite. Replace all of her full fat stuff with diet stuff. You have to do it slowly over time (mix the ingredients) if you do it all at once they'll be able to taste the difference.
Hope this helps.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Oh this is easy.
There was a friend of mine a while back who was jealous because his wife was losing weight faster than him. What he did was switch all of her low fat diet stuff for the real stuff.
It worked! It slowed down her progress and now my buddy and his wife are happier than ever!
Anyways, just do the exact opposite. Replace all of her full fat stuff with diet stuff. You have to do it slowly over time (mix the ingredients) if you do it all at once they'll be able to taste the difference.
Hope this helps.
:flowerforyou:
OMG WTF? What is what you have been doing to me all these months? HOw dare you break up with me this way!0 -
YOU are not making her fat... SHE is making herself fat.
You said she prefers non-diet food/higher calorie foods. SHE is choosing what to eat and what not to eat.
You can only help yourself. Your girlfriend needs to decide to change her habits if she wants to lose weight.0 -
If you tie her to the bed at meal time and force feed her, then yes. If any other reason, then no.0
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Thanks for the great replies everyone!
I just had a chat with her about it because I realised that she's the person I need to talk about this with - sensitive topic or not. And she said that she is happy for my next grocery shop to be 100% healthy and that she will go out and buy treats herself if she wants them. Hopefully we can make this a permanent change!
Also, the reason that I am more than happy to make slightly different meals for the two of us is because I used to eat the same as her and I was the one who changed the foods I ate. I don't think she should be forced to change her eating habbits just because I chose to.
Best reply ever!! Glad to see that you will both will be happier and healthier! 0
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