Do you ever find it difficult....

amymeenieminymo · June 2010

to discuss your weightloss (either success or being discouraged) in front of friends or relatives who have more weight to lose than you? I mentioned today about not wanting to be fat for my wedding (I've lost 45 and have 20 to go) and my friend who has more to lose kind of rolled her eyes. She's normally pretty supportive about it but I could see obvious annoyance on her face, kind of like please, you aren't fat and don't need to worry about it.

I understand the feeling....my best friend has always been very skinny and since having her baby she hasn't lost everything and she will doubtful ever get her complete pre-baby body back (her hips have widened some and she is just all over more curvy) but I think she looks great and I would kill to look that good after I have a baby. But at the same time I understand that being really thin is what she was used to all her life, so even the extra 10-20 she is carrying now makes her feel uncomfortable and unattractive no matter how much I think she looks great.

I guess my question is, should other people be understanding that everyone's weightloss journey is a struggle for THEM no matter what size they are, or should I be more sensitive and keep quiet about my weightloss in front of my friend who has more to lose than me?

leftyy2k4 · June 2010

You didn't make your friend fat, nor did she make you thin.

I want my fat family and friends to see, hear and hate the new me. Means I am doing right for me. Good job. Let them keep hating. :-D

mommyhof3 · June 2010

I say let her be angry or whatever she is. Sounds more like jealousy to me. You do what is right for you and go ahead and talk about it. Who cares what others think. This is for you and nobody else

LongMom · June 2010

In a perfect world, we would ALL be understanding of eachother. Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world

I have learned these last few years to concentrate on myself and myself only. If other people have "issues" with how I'm choosing to live my life, that's THEIR issue. If I have an issue with how someone is living his/her life, that's THEIR issue and I stay out of it (unless asked to participate - which I get asked often, I'm helpful that way!)

That doesn't mean you can't share your struggles and frustrations with friends - just don't expect certain reactions and ignore the negative ones. Positivity breeds positivity, but negative nellies are always lurking trying to squash some of our happiness. It's important that we don't let the negativity overtake our positivity

I don't know much about you, but I can tell you're respectful of people's feelings and that's a VERY good thing. The key is to understand that what you think people might be feeling, might not necessairly be what they actually ARE thinking. Everyone is different and all of our brains are wired very uniquely. I used to get so caught up in worrying about other people's feelings, so much so that I wasn't processing my own very well

It took a lot of learning and practice to let go of that.

Keep up the great work you're doing and enjoy all the benefits of a happy healthy positive life!

Dara80 · June 2010

I don't find it difficult because we all hit our "done" point at different times. My personal done point was when I hit a year post partum and still had my pregnancy weight. I have never kept pregnancy weight past a couple of months and I realized that I was allowing personal tragedies to dictate my weight. I won't go into all of it but suffice to say, March was my point where I could no longer pretend that I was happy weighing 240 pounds. Usually when other people are being snarky about you losing weight, it's because they wish they had your willpower. The thing they don't understand is that they have to decide they are done. You decided it was time to take your personal power back. Your friend will hit that point, and probably soon. Furthurmore, let her know that having a baby is an amazing experience. Of course you're going to have a few extra pounds from it. When I had my oldest son, who's now almost 10, I felt so gross after he was born. I lost most of the weight but kept 20 pounds. I was a whopping 180 pounds...which is now skinny for me! LOL Anyway, when Kevin was about 6 months old, I started really liking my body, stretch marks included! Granted, I was still tubby but I was a woman. Those stretch marks that I had cried about were no longer horrifying for me because I realized that I had gotten those carrying my baby boy. This body that was all "messed" up had gotten that way giving life to another human being. Once your friend realizes that she gave up her skinny body to nurture her child's life, she might look at her body differently. Just a thought...sorry for being so long winded.

PJilly · June 2010

I guess my question is, should other people be understanding that everyone's weightloss journey is a struggle for THEM no matter what size they are, or should I be more sensitive and keep quiet about my weightloss in front of my friend who has more to lose than me?

Yes, other people *should* be understanding that everyone's weight-loss journey is a struggle, but the reality is that it does make some people feel bad. If you know it's a topic that makes your friend uncomfortable, I think you should also be understanding and sensitive to that. I don't think that means you should never be able to speak of your weight loss, but it never hurts to run things through your "Is this going to make somebody else feel bad?" filter before you say them.

dawnna76 · June 2010

I havent had any backlash like you have, everyone has been really supportive so far. I sometimes wonder if maybe I talk about it so much that it gets annoying but I am seriously loving my new life and the changesit has brought on. Its hard not to want to share.

Thankfully my weightloss has inspired some of my friends to start thier own journeys and I couldnt be happier.

to bad the world couldnt be filled with more people like that.

Dont worry about your friend. SHe just doesnt have the mentailty right now to realize that she to could change. No body can succeed in losing weight unless they are mentally ready for the challenge. You are strong, and determined and maybe she wishes she had those attributes too.

laughingdani · June 2010

Amy,
I have been having the same issues. I wrote a blog post about it a few weeks ago, concerning my best friend. She has always been smaller than me. She doesn't have children yet. But now she is about 20lb heavier than me since I have lost my 41 lbs. She seems more willing to sabatoge my weight loss and see me fail than to motivate me. This past week has been a little better. We actually went biking together the other day and had a blast. I even heard her tell a mutual friend that I inspired her "to get off her butt and do something". That made me feel good. So I decided that I am not going to stop feeling good about what I have accomplished. I feel like we have every right to talk about what we have done. It might make others uncomfortable to hear it, but hey I used to be uncomfortable seeing other people succeed in their weight loss when I was clearly failing. That is why I finally did something about it.

I have other friends and family that have the whole "eye roll" thing going on when I talk about how much weight I have lost. But my mom has gotten worse. Two years ago she lost 50 lbs doing WW and then she gained it all back last year. She even tried to get me to do WW with her but I didnt. Then this year, in Jan., we signed up for a 10 week challenge called "Scale Back Alabama" where the goal is to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks. The winning teams get a prize. I lost 24lbs and she lost 7. She was so upset bacause the weight didn't fall off of her. Then she kinda just gave up. She hasn't lost anymore weight, maybe even gained some back. She was VERY supportive of me when I lost the first 24 but as I have lost more, I noticed each time I tell her she wont even look me in the eye and has even done the eye rolling. It hurts because it is my mom, but I try to not let it get to me.

I think the thing that bothers others the most is that we are accomplishing something. We set our minds on something ang we are going after it. Sometimes people have a problem seeing other people succeed whether it be weight loss, relationships, work, or life in general. I have felt bad about myself for a long time and now that I am actually starting to get some of my confidence back I refuse to feel bad for anything I have worked my butt off for! People SHOULD understand that weightloss is hard for everybody no matter what size, but they have blinders on sometimes. My opinion obviously is you shouldn't have to hold your tongue. I hope everything works out for you and you reach your goal by the wedding date!

robin52077 · June 2010

She was VERY supportive of me when I lost the first 24 but as I have lost more, I noticed each time I tell her she wont even look me in the eye and has even done the eye rolling. It hurts because it is my mom, but I try to not let it get to me.

That's upsetting, of course....you would think your own MOTHER would be thrilled that you are getting healthier. I mean, if you LOVE someone, you don't want to see them unhealthy and at risk. She should be overwhelmed with joy at her daughter's success.

Just keep doing what you're doing, and do it for YOU. Try not to let other people's negativity get you down. Great job!

KatieM7 · June 2010

I feel the same way with some of my unhealthy friends and family. I would post on my facebook my successes on weight loss and though my friends and family seem to be supportive there have been some comments made that have made me think that maybe it isn't such a good idea to post it on there. Like yesterday I had one of those great moments when you pull a pair of jeans on that you think are going to be tight and they are a perfect fit. Instead of sharing if with people that I know and love (on facebook) I shared it with my fitness pals. Why? Because they can truly be happy for my success. I have had many people tell me that they think that they are gaining what I am losing. Innocent enough but those are negative comments and they hurt after so many of them. I have had pretty much everyone of them ask "how are you doing it?" When I tell them it's like a door is shut. They "turn" their hearing off. They want the "magic pill". The important thing for me is that my hubby is very supportive and right there with me doing this as well and my children are supportive as well. Though my mom seems to be supportive she has made some comments that make me wonder. :huh: I have decided that though there is negativity coming my way on losing weight and getting healthy I am not going to stop talking about it because it is something that I am doing for myself, my hubby and children. They will either come around and want to get healthy too or they won't the choice is up to them.

badknees · June 2010

yes! you are not alone. I have only 20 to lose, and that is my starting point. When I tell my family, they all tell me I don't need to lose any and that I look fine so they don't understand that this is a medical issue and my doctor told me to lose the weight so I need support. They say, 20 pounds is nothing, but they don't know how hard it is.

I know your journey is personal, but I'm guessing that these forums are the best place for you to get the real support, non-judgmental responses that you need to meet your goal, which you will. Your weigh goal is just as i mportant as anyone elses, but with the less one has to lose, it seems the less support one gets. You see that on biggest loser all the time...when contestants start to look great, it is often said that they can be "sent home" because they don't need it like the others do. Not true, they may need to stay even more in some cases,because that goal is just as important to them as it was when they first started and their "journey" is still not complete. Negative comments and lack of support won't stop you if you decide that they are coming from people who probably want to support you but don't know how or have issues themselves.

Good luck, you will do this.

amymeenieminymo · June 2010

yes! you are not alone. I have only 20 to lose, and that is my starting point. When I tell my family, they all tell me I don't need to lose any and that I look fine so they don't understand that this is a medical issue and my doctor told me to lose the weight so I need support. They say, 20 pounds is nothing, but they don't know how hard it is.

I know your journey is personal, but I'm guessing that these forums are the best place for you to get the real support, non-judgmental responses that you need to meet your goal, which you will. Your weigh goal is just as i mportant as anyone elses, but with the less one has to lose, it seems the less support one gets. You see that on biggest loser all the time...when contestants start to look great, it is often said that they can be "sent home" because they don't need it like the others do. Not true, they may need to stay even more in some cases,because that goal is just as important to them as it was when they first started and their "journey" is still not complete. Negative comments and lack of support won't stop you if you decide that they are coming from people who probably want to support you but don't know how or have issues themselves.

Good luck, you will do this.

You bring up an excellent point that the less you have to lose the less support you get. Because I think the less you have to lose, the more support you need. That first 20 pounds was almost too easy, it melted off, 1-3 pounds each week, even if I had a cheat day or even a cheat weekend I would still consistently lose. But now, this last 20 doesn't want to budge, if I even thinking about cheating, the pounds stay where they are and sometimes invite some friends. I am also fighting the "I look pretty good now so I could just settle for the weight I am" attitude, so I need more encouragement so that I won't settle so I can go for the weight I know I can be.

I know, people think 20 pounds isn't a big deal, but do they know what 20 pounds of fat looks like? It's pretty gross. With my clothes on I think I look pretty good, but in a bathing suit there is still more than enough to grab around my midsection and I don't think it's attractive or healthy and I want it gone.

Cytherea · June 2010

I really think this depends A LOT on the particular situation. For instance, are you actually at a healthy weight and just want to lose to look better? Is she trying to lose weight? Does she have something preventing her from losing weight (like PCOS) that is making it more difficult than it is for the average person?

I'm always, and have always been, the heaviest in my group of friends. And I will admit, it drives me absolutely crazy when my friends complain to me about gaining weight, needing to lose weight, etc. etc. etc. Because none of them ARE overweight. So when they come to me saying that they can't believe they just ate that, or that they didn't go to the gym ONE DAY, or OMGI'MGAININGWEIGHT, I want to kill them. Seriously, they are a healthy weight... so stop obsessing and get over it. I think a lot of the issues come from an unhealthy body image. They don't understand that they look good and are healthy and obsess over losing weight and not gaining weight when they don't need to. So yes, I'm one of those eye-rollers, and I'm sorry skinny people, but your fat friend is NOT the person to complain to about gaining a pound. You have plenty of skinny friends who will freak out about it with you, don't come to me, thankyouverymuch.

I'm surprised at all the people saying 'she's just jealous' and 'screw her' and telling you not to think about her feelings... don't you remember what that was like when YOU were that person??

My suggestion is this. If she is a good friend that you can talk to about this kind of stuff, ask her to go to the gym with you. Show her this site if she is interested in losing weight. HELP her to do it too instead of just talking about how good you are doing. Maybe that's all she needs to get herself motivated... and you can do it together and celebrate your victories together. She must remember what you looked like 45 lbs. heavier; if you can do it so can she!

laughingdani · June 2010

She was VERY supportive of me when I lost the first 24 but as I have lost more, I noticed each time I tell her she wont even look me in the eye and has even done the eye rolling. It hurts because it is my mom, but I try to not let it get to me.

That's upsetting, of course....you would think your own MOTHER would be thrilled that you are getting healthier. I mean, if you LOVE someone, you don't want to see them unhealthy and at risk. She should be overwhelmed with joy at her daughter's success.

Just keep doing what you're doing, and do it for YOU. Try not to let other people's negativity get you down. Great job!

Thanks for the support. I think jealousy has always been an issue with my mom where I am concerned. She has always been single since my parents got divorced when I was young. When me and my now husband were dating she was always telling everyone that she would be married before me. I have been married for 5 years now and she is still not married. I am a stay at home mom, by choice. My brother said he went to lunch with her the other day and she was complaining how I had the good life and she wished she had a husband with enough money that she could sit around at home all day, and not work. In reality, we are barely getting by. It hurt to hear that. None of it is surprising, like I said jealousy has always been an issue. The weight loss just seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. We still talk almost on a daily basis but I feel like I am walking on egg shells when it comes to certain topics. But I am going to keep on doing what I am doing and not let it get me down. The silver lining is that I have a wonderful supportive husband and a 4-year old daughter who does "30 day shred" with me everyday; that makes everything worth it. I know this was kinda off the subject, but thanks for letting me vent! I love this site!

SaveTheDrama · June 2010

Why is it that people tend to blame situations like this on jealousy? It seems like the easiest thing to assume, but alot of times you need to look a little deeper instead of scratching the surface. When I was obese I was the the same way when my thin friends would talk about how they needed to lose weight or how they had fat rolls. I would think yeah whatever and roll my eyes, maybe a little of it was jealousy, but I can tell you truthfully for me it came more from the anger that I had at myself for not knowing how to get healthy or not having the determination to stick with it. I have friends now that are bigger than me and for the first time I am the smallest, but I will never forget what it is like to be the biggest. Thats why I make sure not to mention my weight if I know it is a touchy subject for the other person, unless they ask specific questions about how I am doing it. I get so tired of people blaming these types of reactions on jealousy. It reminds me of high school.

Do you ever find it difficult....

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