How do I work out for me and not him?

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AGG115
AGG115 Posts: 62
in Motivation and Support
I want to be in shape. I want to be sexy. I want to feel good about myself.

Blah, blah, blah.

All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?

Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
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Replies

  • Jamiebee24
    Jamiebee24 Posts: 296 Member
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    You have to want it for yourself....I want it for me, I want to live a long healthy active life. I don't want to get tired from taking a 20 minute walk with my kids, I want to be able to keep up and not sit in the backseat and watch it all go by. Of course, I WANT to look good for my hubby, but more so I want to look good for me!
    Maybe you could just set some small goals for yourself to keep yourself going. They could be workout and or food related.
    You could always ask your husband to help you stay motivated too. Maybe you guys can go for walks together. Once I started cooking healthier, it made it fun for me to cook for him--we got to try new things, and he was just as excited as I was.
    I hope this helps, and it's a slow long rewarding journey! Good Luck! :)
  • trainguy917
    trainguy917 Posts: 366 Member
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    Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.
  • sweetrevenge
    sweetrevenge Posts: 188
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    In MY opinion, this isn't even about weight loss or being healthy.....Your post just screamed at me - this is about how your husband treats you and talks to you. I honestly think that you should be more concerned about that than getting healthy for him.
  • sweetrevenge
    sweetrevenge Posts: 188
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    Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.

    TOTALLY AGREE!!!! This was a hard post to respond to without coming off sounding mean to your husband, but abuse is exactly the right word......The only thing that I disagree with is that it "borders" on abuse.....No this is outright abuse. Yoru husband ought to be ashamed.
  • vineas
    vineas Posts: 84
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    I agree with the rest here, you don't sound like you need weight loss help, you need relationship advice. Your husband's behavior in this is controlling and manipulative, and not what you need or deserve.
  • elmct57
    elmct57 Posts: 594 Member
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    well i don't find any husband who tells his wife who just had a baby something like that very "attractive" either. that's a tough one. do you have a pastor or someone you can discuss this with? don't let him shred your self-esteem.
  • Nina74
    Nina74 Posts: 470 Member
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    I agree. I was thinking how I would word this without sounding too harsh.

    After reading your post, I looked at your profile. Does your husband REALIZE what your body (never mind your emotions) have been through lately? You have a lot on your plate with grieving, raising a child, WITHOUT him putting that on you. Take you and husband to couples counselling asap and if he won't go, go yourself! It is a completely unhealthy thing he is telling you.

    Getting healthy should be for YOU. While I understand the need to be desirable, etc, I can't believe a human being would say that after all you have been through.

    Hang in there & all the best.
  • AGG115
    AGG115 Posts: 62
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    Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.
    I do agree. We've been separated before, I'm in counseling now, and he's thinking about divorce which is the last thing I want. Admittedly, the situation is not good. Those are areas of the relationship that are being dealt with through counseling and mediation. I'm kind of hoping working out can be a reprieve from the situation, let me think about other things, I'm just not sure how to direct my mind and motivation that way. Does that make sense?
  • chgudnitz
    chgudnitz Posts: 4,079
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    I want to be in shape. I want to be sexy. I want to feel good about myself.

    Blah, blah, blah.

    All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?

    Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
    Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**

    Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.
  • AnneElise
    AnneElise Posts: 4,221 Member
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    I think that attraction is about confidence...

    1) There is no way he should have said that to you. Expecially after having a baby.

    2) The scariest part to me is that he has a BMI that he thinks you should be at. It sounds like he has issues.

    3) I agree with the rest, find some couples counseling because he will continue to bring you down with that sort of support and behavior.
  • futuredispatchhottie911
    futuredispatchhottie911 Posts: 163
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    I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:
  • AnneElise
    AnneElise Posts: 4,221 Member
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    whoops you already responded....

    think about your baby! Use your baby as your motivation! You want to have energy and be healthy for your little one! you want your baby to learn a healthy lifestyle and you need to be an example of that!
  • jcubesmommy
    jcubesmommy Posts: 35
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    So you have a brand new baby and your a few pounds over?... shocking! <sarcasm>
    It's always hard when a new baby enters the picture. i know you are probably overwhelmed with extra things to do but when the same thing happened to me I threw marriage counselling into the mix and it helped - this is the short answer - of course the long answer is filled with details and time (lots of time).
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
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    I'm just wondering why you wouldn't want divorce when this man is making you lose weight because you're "not attractive" anymore. He's not really in love with you if you're not attractive to him anymore just because you had HIS child and gained weight. That's not unconditional love at all, hon.

    If I were in your position...my motivation would be this: Kick him to the curb, get hot, and make him wish he'd treated you right and deny him from seeing your child, 'cause honestly...if he's treating YOU this way, you don't want to be around to see how he'll behave around your kid.

    Sorry if this is harsh, this is just how I see it.
  • missouri_rain
    missouri_rain Posts: 560 Member
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    Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.

    I totally agree with the quote words like this cause lasting pain.
  • xTattooedDollx
    xTattooedDollx Posts: 426 Member
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    I agree! If my husband ever said anything like that its on and crackin! He's the one who needs help. No wonder you aren't motivated to do it! It does say a lot about your husband.
  • miqisha
    miqisha Posts: 1,534 Member
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    Sorry about that....those words must have hurt.......

    You have to want this for yourself, and find someway not to focus on yourself

    Initially when you start working out, you may remember all he said, but over time, you will be able to push it aside. You also probably need to unload and tell him how you feel, because sometimes people say things without realizing the impact it has on a persons emotion

    I believe once you discuss with him what was said and how you feel, you can move beyond it and focus on yourself

    Goodluck
  • AGG115
    AGG115 Posts: 62
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    ^Yeah, Anne, he's at 10% BMI, so fitness is entirely too important to him.

    Our relationship has had years of rocky issues, I've contributed a lot to them in the early days and he's contributed a lot lately. My marriage is in bad shape, I know this, I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?
    I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:
    I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?
  • ron2282
    ron2282 Posts: 2,772 Member
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    I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want my husband to find me sexy or attractive but this is something I’m doing for MY health and well being. I don’t like getting out of breath just from going up the stairs or not wanting to go to the beach because I don’t like the way I look in a swimsuit and I most certainly don’t want all the health problems that come with being overweight.

    That being said……your husband took a vow to you love regardless of your weight. Saying he’s no longer attracted to you (after you just had his child) is rude and unacceptable. Weight loss is a hard long road, he should be a source or love and support, not criticism.
  • dlrcpa
    dlrcpa Posts: 114 Member
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    Hello. I hope your situation improves. Hopefully you can make time for YOU. Think of your goals for yourself - maybe being stronger and fitter - how many pushups can you do? How many situps? How long can you walk on the treadmill? From the diet side, how many glasses of water do you drink daily? How many fruits/vegetables do you eat daily? There are a myriad of ways to improve and make yourself stronger and have more energy. Those can be your goals, small and achievable to start with - write them down, commit to them on this site, celebrate your progress. Good luck!!

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