How do I work out for me and not him?
AGG115
Posts: 62
I want to be in shape. I want to be sexy. I want to feel good about myself.
Blah, blah, blah.
All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?
Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
Blah, blah, blah.
All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?
Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
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Replies
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You have to want it for yourself....I want it for me, I want to live a long healthy active life. I don't want to get tired from taking a 20 minute walk with my kids, I want to be able to keep up and not sit in the backseat and watch it all go by. Of course, I WANT to look good for my hubby, but more so I want to look good for me!
Maybe you could just set some small goals for yourself to keep yourself going. They could be workout and or food related.
You could always ask your husband to help you stay motivated too. Maybe you guys can go for walks together. Once I started cooking healthier, it made it fun for me to cook for him--we got to try new things, and he was just as excited as I was.
I hope this helps, and it's a slow long rewarding journey! Good Luck!
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Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.0
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In MY opinion, this isn't even about weight loss or being healthy.....Your post just screamed at me - this is about how your husband treats you and talks to you. I honestly think that you should be more concerned about that than getting healthy for him.0
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Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.
TOTALLY AGREE!!!! This was a hard post to respond to without coming off sounding mean to your husband, but abuse is exactly the right word......The only thing that I disagree with is that it "borders" on abuse.....No this is outright abuse. Yoru husband ought to be ashamed.0 -
I agree with the rest here, you don't sound like you need weight loss help, you need relationship advice. Your husband's behavior in this is controlling and manipulative, and not what you need or deserve.0
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well i don't find any husband who tells his wife who just had a baby something like that very "attractive" either. that's a tough one. do you have a pastor or someone you can discuss this with? don't let him shred your self-esteem.0
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I agree. I was thinking how I would word this without sounding too harsh.
After reading your post, I looked at your profile. Does your husband REALIZE what your body (never mind your emotions) have been through lately? You have a lot on your plate with grieving, raising a child, WITHOUT him putting that on you. Take you and husband to couples counselling asap and if he won't go, go yourself! It is a completely unhealthy thing he is telling you.
Getting healthy should be for YOU. While I understand the need to be desirable, etc, I can't believe a human being would say that after all you have been through.
Hang in there & all the best.0 -
I do agree. We've been separated before, I'm in counseling now, and he's thinking about divorce which is the last thing I want. Admittedly, the situation is not good. Those are areas of the relationship that are being dealt with through counseling and mediation. I'm kind of hoping working out can be a reprieve from the situation, let me think about other things, I'm just not sure how to direct my mind and motivation that way. Does that make sense?Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.0 -
Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**I want to be in shape. I want to be sexy. I want to feel good about myself.
Blah, blah, blah.
All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?
Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.0 -
I think that attraction is about confidence...
1) There is no way he should have said that to you. Expecially after having a baby.
2) The scariest part to me is that he has a BMI that he thinks you should be at. It sounds like he has issues.
3) I agree with the rest, find some couples counseling because he will continue to bring you down with that sort of support and behavior.0 -
I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:0
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whoops you already responded....
think about your baby! Use your baby as your motivation! You want to have energy and be healthy for your little one! you want your baby to learn a healthy lifestyle and you need to be an example of that!0 -
So you have a brand new baby and your a few pounds over?... shocking! <sarcasm>
It's always hard when a new baby enters the picture. i know you are probably overwhelmed with extra things to do but when the same thing happened to me I threw marriage counselling into the mix and it helped - this is the short answer - of course the long answer is filled with details and time (lots of time).0 -
I'm just wondering why you wouldn't want divorce when this man is making you lose weight because you're "not attractive" anymore. He's not really in love with you if you're not attractive to him anymore just because you had HIS child and gained weight. That's not unconditional love at all, hon.
If I were in your position...my motivation would be this: Kick him to the curb, get hot, and make him wish he'd treated you right and deny him from seeing your child, 'cause honestly...if he's treating YOU this way, you don't want to be around to see how he'll behave around your kid.
Sorry if this is harsh, this is just how I see it.0 -
Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.
I totally agree with the quote words like this cause lasting pain.0 -
I agree! If my husband ever said anything like that its on and crackin! He's the one who needs help. No wonder you aren't motivated to do it! It does say a lot about your husband.0
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Sorry about that....those words must have hurt.......
You have to want this for yourself, and find someway not to focus on yourself
Initially when you start working out, you may remember all he said, but over time, you will be able to push it aside. You also probably need to unload and tell him how you feel, because sometimes people say things without realizing the impact it has on a persons emotion
I believe once you discuss with him what was said and how you feel, you can move beyond it and focus on yourself
Goodluck0 -
^Yeah, Anne, he's at 10% BMI, so fitness is entirely too important to him.
Our relationship has had years of rocky issues, I've contributed a lot to them in the early days and he's contributed a lot lately. My marriage is in bad shape, I know this, I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?
I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:0 -
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want my husband to find me sexy or attractive but this is something I’m doing for MY health and well being. I don’t like getting out of breath just from going up the stairs or not wanting to go to the beach because I don’t like the way I look in a swimsuit and I most certainly don’t want all the health problems that come with being overweight.
That being said……your husband took a vow to you love regardless of your weight. Saying he’s no longer attracted to you (after you just had his child) is rude and unacceptable. Weight loss is a hard long road, he should be a source or love and support, not criticism.0 -
Hello. I hope your situation improves. Hopefully you can make time for YOU. Think of your goals for yourself - maybe being stronger and fitter - how many pushups can you do? How many situps? How long can you walk on the treadmill? From the diet side, how many glasses of water do you drink daily? How many fruits/vegetables do you eat daily? There are a myriad of ways to improve and make yourself stronger and have more energy. Those can be your goals, small and achievable to start with - write them down, commit to them on this site, celebrate your progress. Good luck!!0
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I think that attraction is about confidence...
I agree with this statement, and I think your husband has probably taken away a lot of that confidence. You look like a beautiful woman from your picture, and you need to remember that! Don't let ANYBODY tell you otherwise.
However, keeping up with a child is great motivation to get into great shape. Also, exercise—even a brisk walk while listening to some music—can be a great way to escape from the stress that you're experiencing. Maybe you can turn to that for motivation. But I don't think you should be thinking about BMI; you should be thinking about what is healthy and what makes you happy. Work on rebuilding that confidence for you, and maybe you'll be able to figure out the whole situation with your husband when you feel better about yourself. Good luck!0 -
I do agree. We've been separated before, I'm in counseling now, and he's thinking about divorce which is the last thing I want. Admittedly, the situation is not good. Those are areas of the relationship that are being dealt with through counseling and mediation. I'm kind of hoping working out can be a reprieve from the situation, let me think about other things, I'm just not sure how to direct my mind and motivation that way. Does that make sense?Words like that border on abuse, in my opinion, and says lots about your husband. I don't mean to sound like Dear Abby, but you might want to consider at least counseling for yourself. Better would be if you could get your thoughtless husband to go with you. You deserve better than to be treated that badly.
I’m glad you are in counselling and get what you want – hopefully you are still seeing clearly to really know you want and not just fear of having to do it on your own.
That being said, to answer your question about how to ensure you are doing it for yourself, likes others have mentioned all you need to do is focus on YOU.
“Hope for the best but prepare for the worst”. Working out generates endorphins which will make you a happier person so start with that and enjoy how you are feeling, how you feel with your child, how much better your body feels when you are eating well and removing junk and processed foods from your diet and think about the worst in that you want to look good for a future partner, someone who deserves and loves you for you not a new skinny you but a motivated healthy you.
DON’T think of him at all while working out, think about a pair of jeans you have that you want to fit into again, use that as y our motivation.0 -
eeeeck. If anyone told me they no longer found me attractive , especially after I had given birth to their child...I would literally kick their butt! I understand that we fall in love with our mate and some of that has to do with how attractive they are to us and us to them, but marriage is also about "in good times, and in bad" So you have some baby weight, and here you are taking the initiative to get rid of that baby weight.
I have been pretty good with having others in my life who love me for me and not the size of my pants. My fiancé loves my size now. I however, do not. Although he understands I have to lose the weight for health reasons, he does not want me to get super model thin. My ex husband was the same way. He saw me at one of my heaviest times, all the way down to running 7 miles a day.
Losing weight for others is never a good idea. It can lead to a whole mess of other issues. You have to do it for yourself.0 -
AGG, honey. it sounds like being healthy is the last thing you want for you.
youll know when it is when you feel passionate about it. doing it for someone else will only result in failure. why would you want to do it for someone who brings you down like that? dont make no sense girl. i can tell just by reading your post, you dont think too highly of yourself. your a woman, therefore automatically a beautiful life giving being. dont get down about that. you need to love yourself enough now to change your life. thats really the only way it will work.
josie. 0 -
That sounds so familiar. Now I've never been more than 40 lbs overweight but my first husband would look at me all the time and say "I don't know why you can't lose weight?" I want you to notice that I said my FIRST husband. My second husband loves me fat, thin, medium...doesn't matter to him. You shouldn't be treated like that, ESPECIALLY after just having a baby. You have enough stress with that. Take care of yourself first!0
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Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**I want to be in shape. I want to be sexy. I want to feel good about myself.
Blah, blah, blah.
All that is true, but my husband just told me he no longer finds me attractive. He wants me at a ridiculously low BMI (17-18%). I know it'll be nearly impossible to motivate myself to stick with a workout and lose around 25 lbs (my goal, not his) while I'm thinking of him all the time. How do I stay motivated for myself instead?
Thanks for the support, I really need it right now.
Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.
SO SO SO happy that we got a man's opinion on this!!!0 -
First of all you need to understand that you should want to improve your health for YOU and no one else. It's not about weight loss or how skinny you can be...it's about being healthy and fit. It literally digusts me that your husband said that to you. Sounds like this guy is a jerk and obviously he doesn't love the real you! If he did he would have NEVER said those hurtful things to you. I really hope that you seek professional help and DO NOT let this guy destroy your self esteem and who you truly are. I wish you nothing but the best.0
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I agree that finding an activity that you love or making a personal challenge or goal can help to make it about you.
Do you like tennis? Tennis is always been a fun way to work out for me. They also have classes at the gym that are great motivation because they are fun and you get to work out with other people.
I signed up for a marathon (yes, i am a runner). But if you want to start running you could sign up for a 5K or a 10K in your area and find a training program online. That way it can be a mental challenge for yourself to complete.0 -
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Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**
Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.
[/quote]
Amen!!!0 -
Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**
Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.
SO SO SO happy that we got a man's opinion on this!!!
Blonde moment. I can't even quote! LOL!!!
AMEN to him being an a*** and AMEN on a man's opinion!0
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