How do I work out for me and not him?

I think that attraction is about confidence...

I agree with this statement, and I think your husband has probably taken away a lot of that confidence. You look like a beautiful woman from your picture, and you need to remember that! Don't let ANYBODY tell you otherwise.

However, keeping up with a child is great motivation to get into great shape. Also, exercise—even a brisk walk while listening to some music—can be a great way to escape from the stress that you're experiencing. Maybe you can turn to that for motivation. But I don't think you should be thinking about BMI; you should be thinking about what is healthy and what makes you happy. Work on rebuilding that confidence for you, and maybe you'll be able to figure out the whole situation with your husband when you feel better about yourself. Good luck!

eeeeck. If anyone told me they no longer found me attractive , especially after I had given birth to their child...I would literally kick their butt! I understand that we fall in love with our mate and some of that has to do with how attractive they are to us and us to them, but marriage is also about "in good times, and in bad" So you have some baby weight, and here you are taking the initiative to get rid of that baby weight.

I have been pretty good with having others in my life who love me for me and not the size of my pants. My fiancé loves my size now. I however, do not. Although he understands I have to lose the weight for health reasons, he does not want me to get super model thin. My ex husband was the same way. He saw me at one of my heaviest times, all the way down to running 7 miles a day.

Losing weight for others is never a good idea. It can lead to a whole mess of other issues. You have to do it for yourself.

That sounds so familiar. Now I've never been more than 40 lbs overweight but my first husband would look at me all the time and say "I don't know why you can't lose weight?" I want you to notice that I said my FIRST husband. My second husband loves me fat, thin, medium...doesn't matter to him. You shouldn't be treated like that, ESPECIALLY after just having a baby. You have enough stress with that. Take care of yourself first!

First of all you need to understand that you should want to improve your health for YOU and no one else. It's not about weight loss or how skinny you can be...it's about being healthy and fit. It literally digusts me that your husband said that to you. Sounds like this guy is a jerk and obviously he doesn't love the real you! If he did he would have NEVER said those hurtful things to you. I really hope that you seek professional help and DO NOT let this guy destroy your self esteem and who you truly are. I wish you nothing but the best.

[/quote]
Are you kidding? He actually said that? No offense but your husband is an a**

Seriously though, if you don't have the motivation now then I don't know what to say.
[/quote]

Amen!!!

Working out for anyone other than yourself is not going to give you lasting results, and I'm sure that since you posed the question that you did, you know that already. All I can see it accomplishing is putting you on a fast track to serious resentment and depression. That won't help your weight loss goals at all.

I'll refrain from making personal comments about how your husband is going about "motivating" you and instead offer up a different perspective. Oftentimes we allow others to treat us a certain way because we feel vulnerable or less than confident about ourselves. Getting yourself in prime shape will not only give you the energy you'll need with your new baby, but achieving a higher level of physical fitness and getting used to a healthier lifestyle just may give you the inner strength and empowerment you need to face whatever challenges your relationship (or life in general, that can be hard enough) may throw at you, either now or down the road. There's not much better motivation than that!

Regardless of what happens in your marriage, there is no downside to being strong, healthy, confident and HAPPY. As moms, we owe it to our kids... giving them a great example of self respect is huge. Focus on that and I think it will serve you well. Good luck!

I can see where you are coming from. My husband is VERY shallow and puts a lot of merit into looks too and I struggle with the same issue as you. (Am I doing this for ME or am I subconciously [-sp-] doing this for him?) Some times it does seem like I am focusing more on what he wants me to be rather than what I want to look like but I have found that he is really helping me keep focused. He points out areas that I need to work on and areas that "are a turn off" to him.

I try to use his criticism constructively. While he is very rude about it and hurts my feelings, it adds fuel to my fire. I am a very competitive person so I take his words as a challenge; a new goal or problem to defeat.

Just tried to offer a way to use his words in a way that is less hurtful to you. Don't stew on what he has to say. He is putting you down to make himself feel better about wanting to give up and make everything into your fault as far as he is concerned.

^Yeah, Anne, he's at 10% BMI, so fitness is entirely too important to him.

Our relationship has had years of rocky issues, I've contributed a lot to them in the early days and he's contributed a lot lately. My marriage is in bad shape, I know this, I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?

I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:

I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?

Maybe you could find a Mommy & Me exercise class, or start walking with your son. Start out by making it about time with your child til you can find the motivation for yourself. In the end the only way you will stick with a healthier lifestyle is if it's what you want, plain and simple.
As for the bad marriage...been there, done that!! Divorce was the last thing I wanted, but when it was all said and done, it was for the best, my life is so much better now! I'm a happy person now (didn't even realize that I was unhappy before), my kids are happy, and I have the confidence to take on pretty much anything! Good Luck...

I'd say, at first take it easy... don't go all gung ho and make working out hell for yourself. The truth is, exercising IS enjoyable. Once you get into the swing of things you'll actually find it very addicting. Just like food is addictive, exercise is also addictive. So my advice to you would be to set your goal to enjoy yourself, let your exercise time be a time where you get back in touch with the child in you, y'know as I kid I'm sure you loved to run around and keep moving (I know my kids don't stop moving).

Just consider that it's something that your body needs and enjoys and will reward you for it. Ultimately, if your goal is just to lose fat, you'd be surprised by how much fat you'd lose just through eating under your maintenance calories. They say "diet & exercise", but in reality, when you're overweight or obese, it's just about burning more calories than you take in, and that could be simply through eating less.

But you should exercise, because it's a blast. It's really enjoyable, when you're into it you feel like you're superman. I'm a little curious regarding your husband, what do you think his motivations are for keeping his body lean and exercising himself? Is he doing it for you? Probably not, so maybe it'd be worth figuring out his personal motivations for keeping in shape and seeing if any of those make sense for you.

And for all these people who complain about your husband, don't pay them too much mind, men have been programmed (by the television, the ads, the billboards, nearly every picture that appears everywhere) to define sexy as 16-18% body fat in women. It takes a significant amount of deprogramming to remove that... with that said, it shouldn't be a requirement of marriage for one partner to look "sexy" for the other. I wouldn't consider it my wife's obligation to look "sexy" for me, nor would I consider that I'd be obligated to look "sexy" for her - sex is sex, regardless of how someone looks to the other, it feels the same, there's an over-abundance of attention given to the subject b/c it's a means by which man and women alike can be drastically manipulated. I mean, regardless of your body fat, eventually you'll get older, and by virtue of your age alone, you won't look "sexy" as defined by whatever look is appealing for the times, it's never a good long term motivation for a person to seek out that look - you'll achieve it, but don't make it the goal.

Here's my foray into counseling (sry I couldn't stop myself): Realize for yourself though, and really find out if your husband is only interested in a wife who is "sexy" for him. Allot of times when a man feels like a relationship isn't working, it wouldn't be based on the idea that his partner wasn't sexy for him, but more like him feeling she wasn't giving him enough positive attention and/or encouragement in the relationship. He may not express it like that, he may ultimately simplify that to her not looking good for him and think that if she lost the fat that would fix it, but that's because it's culturally "ok" for a guy to claim to like or dislike his partner b/c of her looks, it's not ok for a guys to open up and say it's b/c he's not getting enough attention, supposedly he's a guy, he shouldn't care about attention, just boobs & sex. It takes a bit of maturing and reflection to get past the machoness and stupidity of it all and be honest with oneself about one's true wants and needs.

Do your own thing. What kind of workouts do you like to do? Give yourself a goal and reward yourself when you reach it. Do not workout with your husband or when he is around. I never workout with mine. I want to look good for me and be healthy so I can be around for my family. Just keep in mind when working out what you want. Hope it helps. :flowerforyou: